It was a happy cross-current recollection, that the very beginning and spring of this wild cast of her life, issued from something he said and did (merest of airy gestures) to signify the blessing of life--how good and fair it is. A drooping mood in her had been struck; he had a look like the winged lyric up in blue heavens: he raised the head of the young flower from its contemplation of grave-mould. That was when he had much to bear: Mrs. Burman present: and when the stranger in their household had begun to pity him and have a dread of her feelings. The lucent splendour of his eyes was memorable, a light above the rolling oceans of Time.
She had given him her life, little aid. She might have closely counselled, wound in and out with his ideas. Sensible of capacity, she confessed to the having been morally subdued, physically as well; swept onward; and she was arrested now by an accident, like a waif of the river-floods by the dip of a branch. Time that it should be! But was not Mr. Durance, inveighing against the favoured system for the education of women, right when he declared them to be unfitted to speak an opinion on any matter external to the household or in a crisis of the household?
She had not agreed with him: he presented stinging sentences, which irritated more than they enlightened. Now it seemed to her, that the model women of men make pleasant slaves, not true mates: they lack the worldly training to know themselves or take a grasp of circ.u.mstances.
There is an exotic fostering of the senses for women, not the strengthening breath of vital common air. If good fortune is with them, all may go well: the stake of their fates is upon the perpetual smooth flow of good fortune. She had never joined to the cry of the women. Few among them were having it in the breast as loudly.
Hard on herself, too, she perceived how the social rebel had reduced her mind to propitiate a simulacrum, reflected from out, of an enthroned Society within it, by an advocacy of the existing laws and rules and habits. Eminently servile is the tolerated lawbreaker: none so conservative. Not until we are driven back upon an unviolated Nature, do we call to the intellect to think radically: and then we begin to think of our fellows.
Or when we have set ourselves in motion direct for the doing of the right thing: have quitted the carriage at the station, and secured the ticket, and entered the train, counting the pa.s.sage of time for a simple rapid hour before we have eased heart in doing justice to ourself and to another; then likewise the mind is lighted for radiation. That doing of the right thing, after a term of paralysis, cowardice--any evil name--is one of the mighty reliefs, equal to happiness, of longer duration.
Nataly had it. But her mind was actually radiating, and the comfort to her heart evoked the image of Dartrey Fenellan. She saw a possible reason for her bluntness to the coming scene with Dudley.
At once she said, No! and closed the curtain; knowing what was behind, counting it nought. She repeated almost honestly her positive negative.
How we are mixed of the many elements! she thought, as an observer; and self-justifyingly thought on, and with truth, that duty urged her upon this journey; and proudly thought, that she had not a shock of the painful great organ in her breast at the prospect at the end, or any apprehension of its failure to carry her through.
Yet the need of peace or some solace needed to prepare her for her interview turned her imagination burningly on Dartrey. She would not allow herself to meditate over hopes and schemes:--Nesta free: Dartrey free. She vowed to her soul sacredly--and she was one of those in whom the Divinity lives, that they may do so--not to speak a word for the influencing of Dudley save the one fact. Consequently, for a personal indulgence, she mused; she caressed maternally the object of her musing; of necessity, she excluded Nesta; but in tenderness she gave Dartrey a fair one to love him.
The scene was waved away. That one so loving him, partly worthy of him, ready to traverse the world now beside him--who could it be other than she who knew and prized his worth? Foolish! It is one of the hatefuller scourges upon women whenever, a little shaken themselves, they muse upon some man"s image, that they cannot put in motion the least bit of drama without letting feminine self play a part; generally to develop into a princ.i.p.al part... The apology makes it a melancholy part.
Dartrey"s temper of the caged lion dominated by his tamer, served as keynote for any amount of saddest colouring. He controlled the brute: but he held the contempt of danger, the love of strife, the pa.s.sion for adventure; he had crossed the desert of human anguish. He of all men required a devoted mate, merited her. Of all men living, he was the hardest to match with a woman--with a woman deserving him.
The train had quitted London. Now for the country, now for free breathing! She who two days back had come from Alps, delighted in the look on flat green fields. It was under the hallucination of her saying in flight adieu to them, and to England; and, that somewhere hidden, to be found in Asia, Africa, America, was the man whose ideal of life was higher than enjoyment. His caged brute of a temper offered opportunities for delicious petting; the sweetest a woman can bestow: it lifts her out of timidity into an adoration still palpitatingly fearful. Ah, but familiarity, knowledge, confirmed a.s.surance of his character, lift her to another stage, above the pleasures. May she not prove to him how really matched with him she is, to disdain the pleasures, cheerfully accept the burdens, meet death, if need be; readily face it as the quietly grey to-morrow: at least, show herself to her hero for a woman--the incredible being to most men--who treads the terrors as well as the pleasures of humanity beneath her feet, and may therefore have some pride in her stature. Ay, but only to feel the pride of standing not so shamefully below his level beside him.
Woods were flying past the carriage-windows. Her solitary companion was of the cla.s.s of the admiring gentlemen. Presently he spoke. She answered. He spoke again. Her mouth smiled, and her accompanying look of abstract benevolence arrested the tentative allurement to conversation.
New ideas were set revolving in her. Dartrey and Victor grew to a likeness; they became hazily one man, and the mingled phantom complimented her on her preserving a good share of the beauty of her youth. The face perhaps: the figure rather too well suits the years! she replied. To rea.s.sure her, this Dartrey-Victor drew her close and kissed her; and she was confused and pa.s.sed into the breast of Mrs. Burman expecting an operation at the hands of the surgeons. The train had stopped. "Penhurst?" she said.
"Penhurst is the next station," said the gentleman. Here was a theme for him! The stately mansion, the n.o.ble grounds, and Sidney! He discoursed of them.
The handsome lady appeared interested. She was interested also by his description of a neighbouring village, likely one hundred years hence to be a place of pilgrimage for Americans and for Australians. Age, he said, improves true beauty; and his eyelids indicated a levelling to perform the soft intentness. Mechanically, a ball rose in her throat; the remark was illuminated by a saying of Colney"s, with regard to his countrymen at the play of courtship. No laughter came. The gentleman talked on.
All fancies and internal communications left her. Slowness of motion brought her to the plain piece of work she had to do, on a colourless earth, that seemed foggy; but one could see one"s way. Resolution is a form of light, our native light in this dubious world.
Dudley Sowerby opened her carriage-door. They greeted.
"You have seen Nesta?" she said.
"Not for two days. You have not heard? The Miss Duvidneys have gone to Brighton."
"They are rather in advance of the Season."
She thanked him for meeting her. He was grateful for the summons.
Informing the mother of his betrothed, that he had ridden over from Cronidge, he speculated on the place to select for her luncheon, and he spoke of his horse being led up and down outside the station. Nataly inquired for the hour of the next train to London. He called to one of the porters, obtained and imparted the time; evidently now, as shown by an unevenness of his lifted brows, expecting news of some little weight.
"Your husband is quite well?" he said, in affection for the name of husband.
"Mr. Radnor is well; I have to speak to you; I have more than time."
"You will lunch at the inn?"
"I shall not eat. We will walk."
They crossed the road and pa.s.sed under trees.
"My mother was to have called on the Miss Duvidneys. They left hurriedly; I think it was unantic.i.p.ated by Nesta. I venture... you pardon the liberty... she allows me to entertain hopes. Mr. Radnor, I am hardly too bold in thinking... I trust, in appealing to you... at least I can promise!
"Mr. Sowerby, you have done my daughter the honour to ask her hand in marriage."
He said: "I have," and had much to say besides, but deferred: a blow was visible. The father had been more encouraging to him than the mother.
"You have not known of any circ.u.mstance that might cause hesitation in asking?"
"Miss Radnor?"
"My daughter:--you have to think of your family."
"Indeed, Mrs. Radnor, I was coming to London tomorrow, with the consent of my family."
"You address me as Mrs. Radnor. I have not the legal right to the name."
"Not legal!" said he, with a catch at the word.
He spun round in her sight, though his demeanour was manfully rigid.
"Have I understood, madam...?"
"You would not request me to repeat it. Is that your horse the man is leading?"
"My horse: it must be my horse."
"Mount and ride back. Leave me: I shall not eat. Reflect, by yourself.
You are in a position of one who is not allowed to decide by his feelings. Mr. Radnor you know where to find."
"But surely, some food? I cannot have misapprehended?"
"I cannot eat. I think you have understood me clearly."
"You wish me to go?"
"I beg."
"It pains me, dear madam."
"It relieves me, if you will. Here is your horse."
She gave her hand. He touched it and bent. He looked at her. A surge of impossible questions rolled to his mouth and rolled back, with the thought of an incredible thing, that her manner, more than her words, held him from doubting.