"Tell me," she whispered.
Madrid could feel himself shutting down, withdrawing, his emotions closing up like a box. It was what he did, and he did it well. He insulated himself against hurt, erected a wall to protect his heart. The protective mechanisms had kept him sane for five years. "Some other time."
He knew she was going to come to him. He saw intent in her eyes. And knew what would happen if she touched him. He could feel the need churning inside him, the ever-present knot in his gut tightening, the old recklessness roiling like a wild sea.
When she set her palm against his cheek he jolted, besieged by the urge to pull back to a safe distance. But the part of him that was a man-the part that had been alone for five long years-was stronger than the need to protect himself.
"Don"t." He ground out the words.
But Jess didn"t stop. Rising on her tiptoes, she pressed her mouth first to his cheek, then to his mouth. It was only a light, comforting peck, but Madrid"s heart began to pound. He stood stone still and endured the intimate contact. But his resistance wouldn"t last. And when his control broke, it would be violent and powerful enough to sweep both of them away.
G.o.d help them both when that happened, because if Madrid was certain of one thing in this world, it was that everything he touched-everything he loved-died.
As the pleasure of her kiss melted the steel surrounding his heart, he vowed he would never love Jessica Atwood.
JESS KNEW BETTER than to let the moment get physical. Neither of them was in any frame of mind to be considering any kind of relationship, physical or otherwise.
But the womanly part of her scoffed at the idea of turning the other cheek. Somehow she had to get through to him, convince him that they should use her as bait so they could stop the atrocities on board the Dorian Rae. But first she needed to find out what had happened in his past that made him so dead set against letting her help. Why did he blame himself for the deaths of his wife and child?
Vaguely she was aware that he wasn"t kissing her back. But she sensed there was something powerful waiting at the gate. A pa.s.sion that would overwhelm her if unleashed. A pa.s.sion so controlled and intense that it both frightened and thrilled her. Jess knew she was playing with fire. But the need to reach him was too powerful to resist.
"Something"s tearing you apart," she whispered, pulling away just enough to make eye contact. "Talk to me."
"You don"t want to know my demons."
"I want to know everything about you."
His gaze searched hers. "Some things are better left alone." He started to pull away. "This is one of them."
"That may be true." She stopped him with her hand on his arm. "But sometimes things only fester if you don"t talk about them."
Jess wasn"t exactly sure what happened next. One moment he was gazing at her with an intensity that took her breath away. The next his mouth came down on hers so hard she felt his tooth nick her lip. The power of the kiss stunned her. All she could think was that the beast within him had broken free. A beast that had been hurting and alone for a very long time.
Setting his hands on either side of her face, he ravished her mouth with his. Jess kissed him back in kind, but it wasn"t enough. She wanted more. When his tongue grazed her lips, seeking entrance, she opened to him. A groan rumbled up from his throat and he went in deep.
His kiss took her breath away, stole her logic, her resistance fleeing out the window with it. He leaned into the kiss, and when he moved against her, she could feel the hard ridge of his erection against her pelvis. Her vision blurred as all the blood rushed from her brain to erogenous zones she hadn"t known existed.
She tried desperately to gather the shattered remains of her composure. But his mouth against hers was like a drug and she couldn"t seem to put together more than a pa.s.sing thought.
He broke the kiss and ran his tongue down her throat to a sensitive place just above her clavicle.
"We...need...to talk...about this," she managed.
"I don"t want talk." He punctuated the words by taking her mouth again. "Just this."
Jess gasped in both pleasure and surprise when he cupped her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. She"d never seen herself as a s.e.xual person. But the instant his hands made contact, her body began to weep for him. The sensation was maddening and thrilling at once. She groaned when he slipped his hands beneath her sweatshirt. A flick of his wrist and her bra opened. Then the rough skin of his palms met the smooth flesh of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. A cry escaped her when he took her nipples between his thumbs and forefingers and gently squeezed.
Her blood heated and pounded like fists inside her body. She could hear herself breathing hard, like a marathon runner seconds past the finish line.
"Lift your arms."
Jess didn"t think. She lifted her arms. As Madrid slid the sweatshirt from her body, her hair cascaded over her shoulders. Before she could gather her wits, he swept her into his arms and carried her to the settee.
It didn"t seem big enough for two people. But Jess didn"t care. The only thing her mind could focus on at the moment was the magic exploding between them. He laid her on the cushion, then stepped back. She shivered when his dark eyes swept over her, feeling every inch of his perusal like the feather touch of a lover"s fingers.
Kneeling, he leaned closer and kissed her. "This is going to change everything."
"I know." Jess jolted when his hands went to the snap of her jeans. Physically, she"d never wanted anything so badly in her life. But on an intellectual level, she knew it was dangerous territory for a woman fresh out of a bad marriage and running for her life. Could she risk her heart on a man who couldn"t give her his?
Madrid didn"t give her a chance to ponder the question too long. He worked her jeans over her hips and down her legs, his eyes skimming over her until her body quivered.
"I shouldn"t want you," he whispered. "But you take my breath away."
The words touched her. The emotion in his voice devastated her. In his eyes the flash of uncertainty, of vulnerability tore down the last of her defenses. She wanted him on so many levels her mind couldn"t begin to sort through them. She wanted to tell him that, but there were no words that could describe the feelings burgeoning in her chest, the pa.s.sion rising like a flood in her body.
Never taking his eyes from hers, he unfastened his own jeans and tossed them to the floor. Jess had seen men without clothes before; she"d been married for five years. But the sight of Mike Madrid standing before her fully aroused and wearing nothing more than his boxer shorts made her as excited and nervous as a virgin.
"You take my breath away, too," she said.
Surprising her, he laughed. It was a deep, melodic sound that broke some of the tension. His expression softened when he leaned close. "In that case maybe I ought to kiss you before both of us asphyxiate."
Jess laughed, her nerves smoothing out. He joined her and for a precious moment, their laughter rang out like music. When she turned to him, another kind of tension stole through her body. A tension that made her muscles quiver, her body ache with need.
He kissed her hard on the mouth, and her pulse spiked. Every nerve ending in her body quivered when he ran his hands down her sides. Jess had wanted to talk to him before things got this far. She"d wanted to look inside his heart, see if she could find the source of his pain. Help him heal.
But one touch from Madrid and she was too caught up in the moment to think about anything except the heat of his flesh against hers.
Tearing his mouth from hers, he dipped his head and took her nipple into his mouth. He suckled her hard, first one breast and then the other. A groan escaping her, she writhed beneath his ministrations. Vaguely she was aware of him sliding her panties over her hips and down her legs. Suddenly it seemed as if things were moving too quickly. There was too much pa.s.sion. Too much danger. Not only physical danger, but the kind of danger that could shatter a heart...
Words that would slow things down fluttered through her mind but died in her throat when he cupped her mound. She opened to him, all thoughts of caution fleeing when he slid two fingers into her and went deep.
Pleasure zinged through her body. Her thought processes shut down. For the span of several seconds all she could focus on was the pleasure. She could feel her body melting around him, her blood heating in her veins. She felt wanton and out of control. The power of those feelings frightened her, but the response was primal and honest and came from somewhere deep inside.
"Let go."
His voice came to her as if from a fog. She opened her eyes to look at him. His expression was taut and his eyes burned into her with intensity. All the while he stroked her toward a kind of madness she hadn"t known existed.
The climax rushed over her like an avalanche. Jess felt herself tumbling end over end. Heat burned her from the inside out, her body seeming to explode with it. Madrid spoke softly, but she could no longer understand the words. She didn"t try to; she simply let herself feel.
Her body was still in the throes of climax when he moved over her. She opened to him, need coiling and flexing inside her. Dipping his head, he kissed her hard on the mouth, she kissed him back in kind. His tongue entered her at the same time he pushed into her body.
The sensation of being filled by him rent a moan from her throat. Jess threw her head back, and her hips rose to meet his. Bracing his arms on either side of her, he began to move in long, sure strokes that hurled her to the razor"s edge a second time.
The intensity of the pleasure overwhelmed her. Finding his mouth with hers, she kissed him deeply, offering everything that made her a woman. And still he moved within her.
A growl rumbled up from his chest. His strokes quickened, his arms began to quiver. Never taking his eyes from hers, Madrid lowered himself onto her more fully and took her face between his hands. Overwhelmed by sensation, by the truth she saw in his eyes, Jess couldn"t speak. But at that moment she didn"t need words to know what was in his heart.
Lowering his mouth to hers, he spilled his seed into the deepest reaches of her body.
And touched her soul.
Chapter Fifteen.
Madrid lay in the darkness and watched the moonlight dance on the wall. Next to him, Jess lay warm and still. It was so quiet he could hear the soft whisper of her breathing. He should have been asleep himself, considering he was working on two days without it. But his mind refused to give him respite.
He"d done the one thing he"d sworn he wouldn"t do. He"d let himself get close to Jess. He wanted to believe what had happened between them was about s.e.x. But the physical joy he"d experienced with Jess went far beyond s.e.x. Far beyond anything he"d ever experienced with another human being. She"d touched something deep inside him. A part of him he"d guarded for the past five years. A part of him he"d vowed never to share again.
Yet here he was, physically sated and lying next to a beautiful woman who had no idea what she was getting into. Little did she know that his touch-his love-was the kiss of death.
Love?
The word echoed inside his head like a killing shot. The thought frightened him more than facing down any killer. It frightened him because he knew what happened to the people he cared for. It was a truth he had accepted five years ago when he"d lost two people he would have given his own life to protect. Now he"d put Jess in the very same position.
How in the name of G.o.d had this happened?
"If you frown any harder your head is going to explode."
He actually started at the sound of her voice. Turning slightly, he risked a look at her. She was propped on an elbow, her expression soft and amused. Her face was pale and lovely in the thin light filtering through the window. Her eyes were liquid and dark and moisture glistened on her full lips.
He wanted her. They"d made love twice and already he was hard and aching. He wished he could forget about the past so he could put his arms around her and make love to her until nothing else mattered in the world.
His conscience wouldn"t allow it. Besides, he had neither the luxury nor the freedom. Tonight he"d crossed a line he"d sworn he would never cross. Now the time had come for him to pay for his transgression.
"You should be sleeping," he said.
He stiffened slightly when she snuggled against him, closing his eyes against the quick swipe of pleasure. Oh, how he wanted to reach for her and kiss her until they were both mindless with pleasure.
"You"re tense."
"Yeah, well, in case you"ve forgotten there are a few people out there who"d like to see us both dead." He hadn"t meant the words to come out so harshly, but she was making him want her and that was ticking him off. What he had done went against everything he believed in.
"Madrid."
He knew what was coming, so he didn"t acknowledge her. He didn"t even look at her, just continued staring at the ceiling, hoping he had the discipline to do the right thing and stay the h.e.l.l away from her if she reached for him.
Too late.
"What happened five years ago?" she asked.
Madrid said nothing.
"Don"t shut me out."
He did look at her then, drinking in the soft beauty of her face, the determination in her eyes. And he knew no matter how much he wanted her to, she wasn"t going to let this go. "I screwed up, Jess. I got two people I cared about killed."
Sympathy scrolled across her features, but she didn"t look away. "I"m sorry."
"Yeah. Me, too."
"Why do you blame yourself?"
He sighed, closed his eyes briefly. "Because I"m the one who killed them."
Jess felt the words like a bra.s.s-knuckle punch. Until an hour ago she"d had no idea Madrid had been married or that he"d been a father. He"d never spoken of his past. She couldn"t imagine the horrific pain of losing both a spouse and a child. Or the agony of blaming himself.
"How did it happen?"
Her instincts told her not to prod. She could plainly see that his pain was like an open wound. But Jess sensed this was something that had been festering inside him for a long time. Something he needed to get out so he could heal and, if he was lucky, move on with his life.
Lacing his hands behind his head, he lay back on the settee and looked up at the ceiling. "I was a hacker with the CIA back then."
"A hacker?"
"I worked with encryption mostly."
"Sounds fascinating."
"It was boring for the most part, but I was into it. I was c.o.c.ky." He sighed. "Then along came a terrorist group known as Tiger Eye. The CIA intercepted some encrypted messages. Files sent via e-mail that were encrypted in graphic images. It was my job to find out what they were saying, what they were planning." Another sigh slid from his lips. "This was pre 9/11. Security wasn"t as tight as it is now. Even though I was pretty much a peon working behind the scenes, someone inside the agency leaked my name. Someone from Tiger Eye got hold of it. They contacted me, threatened to kill me and my family if I broke their code to the CIA."
"That must have been frightening."
A bitter smile twisted his mouth. "It ticked me off mostly. But I was c.o.c.ky back then. Too d.a.m.n c.o.c.ky. I went to my superior, told her everything. They put my wife and daughter in a protection program and I continued working on breaking the code."
Another sigh slid from his lips. Only this time Jess thought she heard a quiver. "I got the call at just past three o"clock in the morning. Somehow the terrorists had found out where my family was hiding. Armed terrorists stormed the house in the middle of the night. Two CIA agents were killed and two more were critically wounded."
"And your wife and daughter?"
"Shot execution-style."
The images that forced their way into her head made Jess feel ill. For two innocent lives that were lost. For the grief and loss and guilt that must have fallen like a ton of bricks onto this man"s shoulders.
His gaze met hers. Something dark and determined glittered in their depths. "They recorded everything. Sent me the tape." His jaw flexed. "They"d begged for their lives."
His voice broke with the last word, but he quickly regrouped. "I"ve learned to take threats a h.e.l.l of a lot more seriously."
Jess didn"t have to ask what he was referring to. She knew the loss of his wife and daughter was the reason he wouldn"t use her as bait. She couldn"t blame him. But it didn"t change the situation they were in.
He winced when she reached out and set her palm against his face. "I"m so sorry."
His jaw flexed. "Yeah."