Ore no Kanojo to Osananajimi ga Shuraba Sugiru

Chapter 25

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#2: At a Café with My Girlfriend is Mayhem

This happened at the end of the second day of summer cram school. After I ate dinner with Chiwa, I went to my room to prepare for the next day’s cla.s.s.

The curse ringtone echoed again, it was definitely a mail from her.

[Subject] Unt.i.tled

[Text] I"ve got your daughter.

If you want her back, you must come alone to the coffee shop in front of the station tonight at eight o’clock.

Aaah— This is certainly quite bothersome.

I turned the page of my math textbook while I typed a reply with the other hand.

[Subject] Re: Unt.i.tled

[Text] I have no daughter.

If you want to kill her, cut her down as you please.

After about ten seconds, the cursed music sounded again.

Yareyare, I have no choice but open the message...

[Subject] UNt.i.tLED

[Text] I"ve got my daughter.

If you want her to go back, then do what I wrote above.

"I don’t know about any daughter of yours!"

I said aloud, tsukkomi-ing in my text message.

Anyway, you don’t have any daughter...

After all, why was her tone while texting to her boyfriend the same as a kidnapper"s sending threatening letters?

There is no other way. I better reject her clearly.

[Subject] Re: UNt.i.tLED

[Text] Right now I"m busy studying and reviewing my cram school notes.

I am very sorry, but I’ll talk to you later."

A few minutes later, I received a rather longish text message.

[Subject] Unt.i.tled

[Text] Understood.

Please give it your best with your studies.

I hope you do not become too distraught.

When you are tired, you can listen to the summer season insects cricketing outside.

You’ll definitely hear something like this.

♪ Notes, Notes, Notes~

♪ Dark, Dark, Dark, History, History~

♪ Revealed, Revealed, Revealed, Will be~

I then immediately replied:

[Subject] Re: Unt.i.tled

[Text] I wil immediatelyg o met yo,u Masuzu-sama![1]

♦

Based on the "coffee shop in front of the train station", there were actually two stores that met this criteria. But since it was Masuzu who proposed this, it was possible to narrow down the stores to one— And that was the coffee chain-store right after the fork in the road. Even though compared to ordinary stores the taste and price weren’t worth mentioning, it often seemed deserted because customers were frequently s.n.a.t.c.hed away by neighboring restaurants. This seemed to be something Masuzu would like.

When I opened the door, I was surprised to find it actually quite crowded. Though, as it was the summer, the store was filled with high school couples hanging out at night. The office worker who was wearing a suit and sat in a corner, seemed to be very pitiful, sipping coffee in a poor mood.

—At this time.

"Yo, Masuzu."

I said h.e.l.lo to my "girlfriend" who was sitting on a chair near the window. Even though it was such a crowded place, I could immediately find her thanks to her very conspicuous silver hair, blue eyes, and intense scent.

She really feels "superior" to everyone around her...

If I were a girl, I definitely wouldn’t want to be around that atmosphere.

But now that I thought about it, Chiwa and Hime were really amazing.

"Too slow, Eita."

Masuzu spoke in a displeased voice and with a piercing gaze she looked at me fiercely.

"From the time you replied to my text to now it took you eleven minutes, 38.39 seconds to get here. What"s the meaning of this?"

Wow—

So detailed—

"What could I have done? From my house to here, no matter how much I rush, it takes at least ten minutes."

"Such a useless man. Can’t you be like Vanilla Ice[2] and move through dark s.p.a.ce?"

"I"m sorry, I"m not a "stand" user."

"Hmph, you really are a "useless man", then."

"Hmm, so "not being a user" actually means that[3]!"

"That was actually quite well said!"

Ever since the incident with that younger sister of hers, Masuzu pretty much settled on calling each other by our first names and tongue leashing whenever we were alone.

She had said: "As long as other people see us, we"ll act like lovers", "When the two of us are alone, we"ll treat each other coldly."

Anyways, she wasn’t a real girlfriend, so it didn’t matter if she gave me the cold shoulder… However, as of lately I felt as if her poisonous tongue’s destructive power had greatly increased.

"Don’t stand there in a daze, won"t you sit down?"

"Aah, right."

The waiter brought ice water and I ordered some cola. Then I sat opposite of Masuzu.

"During the time I was waiting for you, I was. .h.i.t on by those love-struck people three times. So dirty. How do you intend to make it up to me?"

"Three times is less than usual. Anyway, should have just hunted them down."

"Certainly! This is the same as preaching a new religion. One has to casually go along and force them to buy water and pots to bear it."

"I at least expect that you aren"t doing deals with some pots..."

At this point, I realized the guests around us were staring at me. "Is that her boyfriend?", "He"s so plain". I could hear this kind of comments float over. Whenever I went on dates with Masuzu, this was the common course. There was one time when a middle school girl said, "so disappointing—", "so depressing—!" After that, it took me a long time to restore my self-confideeeeeeence!

"...Right, Masuzu. What did you want to talk about?"

"Ara?"

Thus, Masuzu smiled, tilted her head and said:

"You forgot already? Eita. You still "owe me one"."

"—?!"

d.a.m.n!

I have a vague feeling that she is referring to that, but does she actually mean the incident at the infirmary?

"When you saw Akishino-san’s b.u.t.t, were you really excited...?"

Masuzu’s frigid eyes pierced through me.

"You were really h.o.r.n.y that night when you went to bed, right? So nasty."

"I wasn"t fired up in the least!"

"If I cause your cornea to become blind and get you a transplant, you’ll probably only see Akishino-san’s b.u.t.t, right?"

"What terrible p.o.r.nography."

But if that really were the case, the number of boys who would want a transplant would skyrocket.

After all, it was really good stuff...

"There you have it, you are excited again."

"—!"

d.a.m.n, am I even showing it on my face?

"You’re so perverted, just seeing you face to face might make me pregnant."

"How could that even be possible?!"

"Who knows, you are merely someone whose brain is totally filled with female a.s.ses."

"That"s why I said it isn"t like that!"

"All lies. More than one or two people have seen you wear that t-shirt which says "b.u.t.t!". You"ve even said: "Let"s play that b.u.t.t specialty cake" while smiling and a.s.saulting a group of elementary school girls."

"What is this kind of pervertedness? Is this how you see me in your head?"

Masuzu-san"s ability to act as if "she was wrongly accused" suddenly exploded in the coffee shop.

The waitress that delivered the c.o.ke that I ordered had a look that made me feel very, very uncomfortable.

Ahhh, I’ll never be able to come to this store again…

"Therefore, the method to repay that debt that you have towards me—"

Masuzu drank the cold water that was just re-filled, and then said with a sigh:

"Please accompany me to the Hane River fireworks festival on August, 1st."

"[...] ...Excellent."

"What do you mean by "excellent"?"

"Nothing, I was just talking to myself."

The hunch I had last night about the "flag raised" was right.

If I had accepted Chiwa’s request back then, then it would have been bad.

"Sorry, I can’t do it. That day I’ll be at the cram school studying."

"Studying? You’re using that to refuse a date with your girlfriend?"

"Since I paid a lot of money to go to summer school, I want to obtain the maximum results."

"But, is that true?"

Masuzu frowned and spoke:

"It couldn"t be possible that you instead already have a date with Harusaki-san or Akishino-san on that evening?"

"I swear I doin’t. If you don’t believe me, you can confirm it with Chiwa and Hime."

Masuzu stared straight at my face, but finally let out a small sigh.

"I understand. Even though it’s a pity, I guess I’ll go to the fireworks festival by myself."

"Sorry."

Great, did I get out of it smoothly?

"Having said that, I thought for sure you hated those types of events."

"Ara, that’s not true at all."

Masuzu seemed entranced as she looked around the shop that was full of couples, and said:

"Foaming blood red fireworks that blossom on the ground… Fufufu! That certainly is quite beautiful."

"Just what type of joyful att.i.tude is that towards a fireworks festival!?"

"Why do you even have to ask? Of course it’s to drown those stupidly happy couples in a sea of blood, not a single one will escape."

"[...]"

What is this?

A crime threat.

Right in front of me, my girlfriend joyfully stated a crime threat…

"Because their heads will be in the clouds like idiots, their bodies will be wide open, that"s what I"m expecting."

"Your target is really specific, oi! You don’t really intend to carry this out, do you?"

Should I go to the police now? Is this also her boyfriend"s responsibility?

"———Of course not. Naturally, this is a joke."

Thus, Masuzu shrugged her shoulders slightly and said:

"Even if we use force to eliminate followers of the love-struck religion, there"s no meaning to it. It"s naturally better to use "Jien-Otsu""s activities to leave a mark."

"...Don’t scare me like that..."

Relieved, I rubbed my chest. It looked like I wouldn’t become a criminal boyfriend.

"But, "Jien-Otsu" is no more."

Masuzu used her fingers to poke a droplet of water on her gla.s.s cup, sighed, and said:

"I thought that solving Mana’s issue would be all. I didn’t think Fuyuumi Ai would be next. The seeds of trouble sprout one after another, it"s seemingly endless."

"You don’t have any countermeasures? Asides from committing a crime."

"Well, it’s not that there aren"t any."

Masuzu raised three fingers, then she said:

"The first option is that we have activities as a group, but not officially as a club."

"Ah, I see."

Wasn’t that solution fine?

If they weren"t a club activity, it would just be "playing with friends". As long as they don"t get too out of hand in school, the disciplinary committee can"t make too many remarks.

"However, this has a major flaw."

"Which is?"

"Because there is no club room, there is no place to store the Holy Bible of popular people, "JoJo". As a result, this plan is NG[4]."

"...That counts as a flaw?"

It didn’t really matter, and she had a full set at her house.

"The second option is the creation of a new club."

"Eh, even though our club has just been shut down?"

"The name will be the "Society for the Self-Creation of Young Maidens Again"."

"Aren’t you just adding one or two words?"

It didn"t matter if it was Re-Self-Creation, it was still first Self-Creation, and it would always be "Jien-Otsu".

"But you can’t just change the name, right? If the content doesn’t change, the disciplinary committee will just intervene again."

"As a result, the problem will just return to the beginning again, so the best option is the third way."

Masuzu’s pupils flashed with light.

"Find out the disciplinary committee member Fuyuumi Ai’s weakness."

"In the end it’s just a crime. If it were that easy to find people’s weaknesses, no one would have to work so hard, right?"

"That’s not necessarily true."

Masuzu gave an intriguing smile.

"Fuyuumi Ai was boasting in the infirmary, "of course I have a mere boyfriend". Do you remember that?"

"Yeah, I remember, his name was Michel?"

"Yes, Daigoro."

Masuzu took out a little notebook and flipped through the pages, and said:

"Actually, the day we didn’t have school, Harusaki-san and I were asking all around about Fuyuumi Ai."

"So you actually did that kind of thing?"

Masuzu read her notes aloud:

"Fuyuumi Ai, first year cla.s.s 3. Belongs to the disciplinary committee, and has never partic.i.p.ated in a club. Lives in a single parent home and her family relations include a father and a little brother. Because of her father’s work, they move frequently. From Aomori in the north to Nagasaki in the south, they have moved a total of seven times. Even though they came and went from the mountain city of Hanenoyama several times, they have come back to their residence here for the start of high school."

"Following one’s father everywhere must be really hard to do."

"Really? Being able to stay domestically in j.a.panese borders is pretty convenient already."

"[...]"

When Masuzu, having had returned from somewhere abroad, said this, I was left speechless.

This girl’s family seemed to be very complicated.

"Because of this, we know that Fuyuumi Ai does not know that many people. It seems like the only person she knows is her close friend Asoi Kaoru. From first grade to fourth grade, they were in the same cla.s.s."

"Yeah, I already heard Kaoru talk about it."

"I also intended to ask Asoi-kun, but I did not realize he would avoid me so skillfully. He really is impressive."

"Hahaha, he is my best friend after all!"

"Those two things don’t matter now."

"...Ah, really?"

After being shot down so hard, I felt a little sad.

"But I did obtain some very important intelligence from Fuyuumi Ai’s cla.s.smates."

"What intelligence?"

"They"ve never heard anything at all about this so-called boyfriend "Daigoro"."

"That’s not really a clue, right?"

Masuzu winked and said:

"It"s because they never heard anything, that this is a point which deserves focus."

What did she mean? I couldn’t see through her logic.

"From the tone she had when she was showing off her boyfriend, Fuyuumi Ai is "love-struck". You thought so too, right?"

"That... Well, it"s probably right."

Indeed.

She did show off Michel to Chiwa without restraint.

If one took love as a kind of "status" and showed it off as if it was "jewelry", this was a habit that was a.s.sociated with love-struck people.

"Nevertheless, why do you think it’s significant that no one else knows about the Daigoro thing?"

"Is she keeping her boyfriend a secret from her cla.s.smates? And yet she said it so clearly to us, who are her enemies?"

"Ah..."

Now that she mentioned it, it was weird.

Even Kaoru, who was so close to her, didn’t seem to know about Michel.

Why did she say it to Masuzu and the others?

"There is only one answer, and that is Daigoro does not exist. In other word— he was a fictional character that Fuyuumi made up."

"So rather than "acting as a boyfriend"Fake, it’s outright a "false boyfriend"Dummy..."

Self-created, fake, imaginary. I was surrounded by all these kinds of things.

"This is the point where I want to request something from Eita."

Masuzu’s tone became solemn as she said:

"I want you to get close to Fuyuumi Ai and obtain proof that Daigoro’s existence is a lie."

"When you say get close to her, how do I do that?"

"It’s easy, right? Because you’re in the same cla.s.s as her in summer cram school."

"How come you already know that?"

She was well-informed as always.

How did this girl set up her intelligence network? Even though she had no friends... It was really a mystery where she obtained her information from.

"Since you rejected my request to go to the fireworks festival, you should at least do this small thing for me."

"...I understand."

I sighed.

"But, let"s say that I discover that Fuyuumi really doesn"t have a boyfriend."

"Ara, then what?"

"Seeing that she"s such a serious and responsible person. Why would she spread these kinds of lies which will soon enough be exposed?"

"She would lie."

Masuzu unhesitatingly insisted.

"In this world, there isn"t such a thing as a woman that does not lie."

"[...]"

Is that true?

"Whatever, for Eita who"s only interested in girls" b.u.t.ts, he surely won’t understand."

"WHAT"S WITH THOSE FALSE ACCUSATIONS?!"

"Eita: "There doesn"t exist a girl whose b.u.t.t isn"t beautiful!" (Wink)."

"THAT"S WHY I KEEP TELLING YOU NOT TO ATTRIBUTE STRANGE LINES TO PEOPLE—!"

So cruel!

Quite certainly, the destructive power of her poisonous tongue was several times greater than ever!

I fearfully raised my hands and said:

"Then, Masuzu-san, this humble me also has something that I want to ask as a favor."

"What is it?"

"Would it trouble you to return to the tone you used to speak with in the beginning...?"

Otherwise, I’d end up adopting that kind of manners!

"Why?"

"Well, I feel like, I guess, I should say your tone is too cold now? Your poisonous tongue has released its limiter? Or should I say I’m almost about to get a broken heart from it?"

Masuzu grunted, brought one hand to her cheek, and looked pensive for a moment.

I— even though I was just insulted by her, I was attracted to how her face looked.

She looked listless, her gaze wavering, as she sighed slightly. She looked just like an actress.

Even though I could praise her looks as beautiful, I didn’t only just mean it like that.

She looked just like she was "expressing something".

As for what she was expressing, I can"t possibly know.

"Well then."

Masuzu said simply.

"I"ll think about."

As she stared out of the window I saw the profile of her face and I still felt like it was a man-made thing.

So beautiful.

♦

Later, we chatted aimlessly for thirty minutes before we finished.

Being on the way home by myself, I noticed——

"Things have just become troublesome again..."

Thanks to Kaoru, I was about to live in harmony with Fuyuumi. But now it had become a "dilemma" once more.

The situation was no different from the first semester.

No, it was worse.

Why? I should neither have the "physique that attracted mayhem" nor the personality and so on.

Ever since I had become Masuzu’s fake boyfriend, haven"t I kept running into this kind of stuff?

"I-I’m not going to admit I lost..."

I looked up to the stars" summer constellations and secretly vowed.

How could I just lose to some mayhem?

I would definitely make my ideal summer!

Translator notes and referencesJump up↑ He was typing too fast.Jump up↑ Vanilla Ice: Character from JoJo Part III who can teleport through dimensional borders aka "dark s.p.a.ce".Jump up↑ The expression used was "not being of use" (使えない), which is closer to "not being a user". In JoJo when a guy has a stand, they use a similar phrase to say "he is a (stand) user", and the same phrase to say that he isn"t a user.Jump up↑ NG: No good.

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