Chapter 10: The moon you see is always beautiful
「If you want Maria ojōsama to return please talk properly. It is alright, I am keeping track of Kirua-sama’s schedule and I am also keeping track of where ojōsama is located. …… Do not worry about your four-year old daughter」
While suffering from Maria’s runaway declaration, Orsseine threw only what he wanted to say and went away. It is not my imagination that the last words were said in a much lower voice than the others.
Both of us could not leave and we sat down on the bench just before we were told to talk. Although they are next to each other, Bēruderia is close to the edge and there is no word exchange.
Dead silence.
If we interpret the words Orsseine just said, Maria is worried about us and said that she would run away after that…….
In my heart, there are countless possibilities.
Between myself and Bēruderia there is a high rock wall. Of course Bēruderia does not feel that way. Even if I do not correct the original, I am the one who is at fault, and it is no exaggeration to say that Bēruderia is a victim.
She became my wife because I chose so.
That day, I found her.
× × × ×
When I was just 23-years old there was a party held for my father the previous Tempest head. I forgot what the party was about, though I guess it probably was not a very important one if I don’t remember.
Though at the time I was not yet the present head of the household, it was certain that I would become the next head. Therefore not only those for business purposes but also those for marriage purposes gather around me. Such party venue was honestly tedious and cramped, but I could not always feel depressed.
That’s why I remember it vividly.
A gaze that does not change. A conversation that does not change. What surrounds me does not change as usual.
Except for one person.
Only Bēruderia was different from everything I knew.
Neither dress nor adornment, even makeup is not gaudy. The appearance like abandoning herself as inferior to other partic.i.p.ants was overwhelmingly, it was far different from the image of “young lady” I knew.
── I thought it was beautiful.
I admired a person for the first time in my life.
I do not know why even if I am asked. I want to know.
Why was I so intensely attracted to her?
Why can I not keep my eyes off her?
Two days later, my childhood friend taught me the reason. With the same lightness as blowing air, rather, as to why I did not understand why.
The next day, I found out her name.
Bēruderia · Wimbuto, the eldest daughter of the Countess.
And then three days later I would meet her again.
× × × ×
How long did the silence last?
Her whole body is tense and it is easy to tell that she is nervous. I was the first to break the silence.
「Do you remember the day when we first met……」
「O-…of course. At the marriage meeting──」
「Wrong」
「Eh……？ 」
「A week before」
After hearing my words Bēruderia seems to be fl.u.s.tered and her eyes wander around.
I guess it was just according to my memory. I am not wrong if going by my memory. But no matter how much I remember, there is no point. The correct answer for Bēruderia would be her previous statement.
Just for me. The correct answer for me.
「The party the week before, that was where……I first met you」
「Party…」
「A~a That’s why I wanted to talk with you」
「………… Eh? 」
「I wanted to marry you, so I nominated you」
Even though I was twenty-three years old, I had neither a lover nor a fiance. The Tempest house never objected to the marriage I had hoped for, and there was no reason why the Countess of Wimbuto would refuse or could decline a marriage proposal from the duke’s family, so our marriage got together.
Just one person whose feelings were left out, Bēruderia.
「……I am sorry」
Standing up, I lowered my head in front of her.
An atmosphere that Bēruderia was puzzled surfaces.
「Kirua-sama…..」
「Although it was what I wanted, and I was given the highest priority, but I……I did not think about your feelings」
Ignoring everything that should be avoided, I just prioritized my feelings and covered the things to see.
Taking care of any issues, pursue it with power, push the marriage that should have been mutual love one-sidedly.
「I think that it can not be helped if I apologize now. What I did was….out of line」
With a marriage forcibly pushed, I pushed hard without thinking about her feelings. It is a despicable action.
I cannot be liked. There is no help for it even if I am avoided.
I know. I understand it properly.
「But even so, I still like you」
× × × ×
「…………」
I am shocked, did I hear correctly?
Kirua-sama’s words are spinning through my head with such force leaving me in complete shock.
I like you…he said he likes me.
It is neither a delusion nor a hallucination, it is certain he likes me.
「…..r-really?」
My voice trembles. Not only my voice but also my fingers which are cold and lost color and temperature. I grasped both trembling hands together, I realized how much I was upset.
It’s not a lie? It’s not a dream?
As I was thinking that Kirua-sama is staring straight at me.
Beautiful blue eyes.
Some people are scared of those eyes, but I was anxious to see his eyes.
It’s not a dream.
It’s not a lie.
It is not a delusion.
It’s no illusion.
This is reality.
「… I thought that I was hated」
Married at the age of 19, became a couple, Maria was born. It may look good on the surface, but the reality does not proceed so beautifully.
Though I knew the figure and name, we never really talked, that was the relationship between the 19 year old me and Kirua-sama. A marriage proposal came and could not be avoided, I got married, but a question that I could not ask anyone was circulating around my heart.
Why choose me?
I am plain and not special. I have eyes of a peculiar color, but I was despised because of it. I can never become the princess whom a prince would fall in love with at first sight.
So, I thought. It is a political marriage.
Surely Kirua-sama did not want to marry me. In fact, it is decided that women who are more beautiful and intelligent are better. Like the beautiful daughters of other n.o.bles that surround him endlessly before and after marriage.
Once that thought took hold of me, I could not speak well with Kirua-sama……even though I was afraid of him, he was kind to me.
Before I noticed it, I had lost most of my relationship as a couple.
「I was lost and hesitant, I could not accept you who tried to conform well …I wondered if you regret getting married」
Even though you were gentle, even though you took good care of me, I turned all of it down. I told you that I wasn’t ready, but it is painful if I think of what you lost there.
The number of times to talk decreased, the number of meetings decreased….before I noticed it came to a point where I could not turn back.
「Over and over again, I thought I had to talk. But every time I did not know how to proceed so I stopped….this was the feeling I had.
It was always Kirua-sama who tried to compromise. It was arrogant to a.s.sume he would continue when I kept turning him down.
I just stood their and did not act. My over-optimism for myself made Maria uneasy.
My beloved 4-year-old daughter.
I was spoiled by both my father and my mother and allowed her to worry, a child’s only job should be to smile while growing up.
And this is the last chance Maria gave me.
If I do not take it, I am not qualified to call myself Maria’s mother.
「It is true…at the time of the marriage meeting, I thought it was only with political thinking, a marriage with only doubts, and no romance anywhere」
「…………」
To my words, Kirua-sama’s expression does not change. Of course, that is natural. Only the eyes narrowed sadly a little.
Words that hurt him like a blade. A certain fact that must be said. My honest feeling at that time.
A person who stands above others, whose appearance and family’s social standing are superior. A person who receives love and envy from a lot of people. He is not good with love. But that’s why others love him so quickly.
I certainly did not love him at the age of nineteen.
「But those are the feelings of me when I was nineteen」
From that day, the moon has flowed.
My 19 year old self has disappeared with the past.
「Right now, I do not regret marrying Kirua-sama」
At the age of 19 years old, it would be a lie to say I did yearn for you.
Today, at this moment, at this time, I do not regret anything.
「I……I also like Kirua-sama」
I am sorry to believe that I was hurt without noticing that you were also hurt. For meeting, thinking and yearning for me, thank you.
Everything and everything, I wished I had told you sooner, I cannot help saying.
On that day, we knew what each other was thinking for the first time in our six year marriage.