Chapter 5: Between forward and backward
「~Tsu……, zu~tsu」
「Are you alright?」
「Love…」
No, it is not all right. I feel so embarra.s.sed and ashamed that I want to be buried right now.
By the time I stopped crying it had already been about ten minutes, the cool mind that should have been synchronized with “Mariabell” was completely filled with shame.
…… What was that all about a while ago.
It is similar to auto mode, but at the same time completely different in a way.
Both the tears and the words that came out were beyond my control; it is certainly my……Mariabell’s true intentions.
It was different than auto mode which does not allow me to move, and it was still part of my will.
But the tears, that is the behavior and thoughts of the “original Mariabell”.
I am myself, and at the same time not myself. It was a mysterious feeling, almost like myself and the original Mariabell are slowly completely becoming one.
It was a phenomenon that I never felt before, neither in auto mode nor in my current life for the past three years.
「── chan … Maria-chan, what’s wrong? Is it painful somewhere after all?」
「E… a~, no it’s all right」
I quickly shook my head to mother who had a panic expression on her face.
This won’t do, now I have no time to think about other things.
If you miss this window of opportunity, what little chance you might have had might forever be gone and you might never get another opportunity again. From there things will only get worse.
You have to pick the picking buds.
「I am sorry to have shown you such an unsightly appearance」
「No ……I should be the one to apologize. I didn’t even notice my own daughter’s feelings」
Iya, ma~a….it may have been some of my mother’s responsibility in the past five rounds.
It was a period that would make any three-year old child feel lonely.
But this time it’s not ‘Mariabell’ but instead the older me. It’s not like I didn’t feel any loneliness, I was sad when I thought I might be hated, but I am an adult after all.
I was able to hide my inner feelings and laugh.
I cried a little while ago so I may not sound convincing, but I would like to point out that was beyond my control.
「…… Let’s talk. From now on, there will be plenty of time」
「Ah-..Yes!」
The gently laughing mother is the same as the one I saw a few years ago.
I am now 3-years old. If it is as the original, two years from now those two will get divorced, I do not know if there is any cause or whether it will emerge from now, but it is a fact that I made a step forward.
I was able to finally step forward.
× × × ×
「Hmmmm…」
Today I had a cup of tea in my mother’s room, we talked until dinner time……and when I noticed it was dark outside I returned to my own room but was worried about a new problem.
Waiting for us as we headed from mother’s room to the dining hall was an deadpan father who could not express any feelings.
Anne was next to him, so he probably heard from her about how I had brashly charged into mother’s room.
Father always doted on me, but I thought this time for sure I would be scolded for my actions…… or that is what I thought, but my father only said:
Because Beruderia is tired, do not push yourself too hard. ”
It was said with a bitter expression.
Depending on how you interpret it, it can sound like I do not want to be involved with my mother.
In fact, judging from mother’s face it seemed like she was on the verge of tears.
Even though dinner is suppose to be a time where family can gather together happily around delicious food, it can’t just only be me who felt like we were at a funeral.
「Somehow… it is different from what I thought」
I opened my notebook and updated the data written in it.
Even though today’s things are supposed to be surely moving forward …. I wonder why it does not come together nicely. Just like a certain feeling where something feels out of place.
It seems like I mistook something fundamental……
「…..First of all I have to ask my mother’s story」
Yes, that is my primary goal.
After thinking it over and over that was the conclusion I came to. If it comes to nothing while I am at a loss, I may cry. I will definitely cry.
Will it be a walk in the ballpark or will it be like walking on a tightrope without a lifeline……it all depends on me.
Some daredevil may choose the tightrope walking, but unfortunately, I am not reckless or a m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.t.
I am an ordinary girl with a healthy sense of values. It is not a joke to go ahead through the steep way by oneself.
「Let’s visit mother tomorrow」
After all it will not be possible for me to think alone.
“If you do not understand you should listen” It is useless as it is troublesome because it is a skill to obtain through interpersonal skills.
I put the notebook away in the depths of the drawer so it would not be seen, and I go to bed.