Queen and Dispelled Doubts I lost my way in a blind alley.
I feel lost ever since the day I thrust away my son and shook off my husband.
A country southwest of Wilhelm. That"s the country I come from.
Because our country borders Sahaja, our country has always been afraid of their aggression.
Our country can"t really be called small, but there have been concerns about its military power.
Especially because the current King of Sahaja is a vigorous man called the Invader King, we didn"t know when his attention would turn to us.
In those circ.u.mstances my father, the King, made a decision to marry his daughter, me, to the Crown Prince of Wilhelm.
I would marry him in exchange for protection, it was a common story.
Of course I readily agreed.
Having been born royalty I understood it"s natural to marry for the sake of the country, and if the peace could be maintained with just my marriage, it wasn"t something to be troubled about.
Fortunately, although Wilhelm accepts polygyny, the Crown Prince didn"t have a concubine yet. It was encouraging I would be the first one he"d marry.
And so the engagement was decided, and the wedding would take place after a year.
I went to Wilhelm for the engagement ceremony, and there for the first time I saw the face of a person who would be my husband, but――.
What a beautiful person he was.
A beautiful countenance with blond hair and blue eyes. His appearance as he smiled at me was more than enough to send the heart of the young girl, who hadn"t known of love, pounding.
―― Will this person be my husband?
Wanting to accept the marriage for the sake of the country no matter what, I hadn"t looked at the portrait of my marriage partner even once, so that my determination wouldn"t falter.
That"s why I had been unaware, but he looked more beautiful than any man I"d seen so far.
My marriage partner, the Crown Prince of Wilhelm, Lord Johannes, met my eyes. He froze for a moment, then broadly smiled. Without hesitation he knelt before me and even though it was still before the engagement ceremony, he spoke the words used during it.
"I am Johannes van de la Wilhelm. I am honored to be able to welcome you as my consort."
Understanding that I"m welcome, I felt relieved and told him my name according to the formalities.
The wedding would take place a year after the engagement ceremony. I wanted to slowly mentally prepare in my country.
However, when the engagement ceremony finished and I was preparing to go back to my country, Johannes told me with a smile.
"Mistress Elizabeth, I would like you to remain in Wilhelm until the wedding."
"Eh?"
I was puzzled by the sudden words.
Until the wedding, that is to say I won"t be able to return to my country anymore.
I was surprised since I hadn"t heard about that before. When I looked at Lord Johannes who would be my husband, he casually said.
"The common sense and just about everything is different between your country and my country. If you suddenly become the Crown Princess, you will often be confused. I would like you to use the year before the wedding to familiarize yourself with this country."
"… If Lord Johannes says so…"
I was about to say that I wanted to go back, but I held back.
It"s decided that I will marry this person. I should fulfill my husband"s wishes to the utmost, and considering that he would protect my homeland afterwards, I couldn"t refuse.
I was able to agree to what I was told.
I regretted that I wasn"t able to properly say goodbye to my parents, since I"d thought I"d go back home immediately, but thinking about my role I knew what to prioritize.
When I agreed, saying that he was glad, Lord Johannes smiled happily.
Although it was a political marriage, there was nothing to complain about my arranged partner.
Considering the possibility that I could become the second wife of a king who entered old age, it was the very best conclusion that I would marry a young crown prince of a large country as his princess consort.
Since it"s like this, let"s serve this person with all my heart.
On the day I came to Wilhelm I swore this to myself and, excited, went to bed in the prepared bedroom. With my eyes closed I thought to do my best tomorrow.
However, on that day I hardly got any sleep.
The reason is, during the night Lord Johannes crept into the bedroom where I was sleeping.
Naturally I couldn"t refuse my husband-to-be who I"d had the official engagement ceremony with, and despite my lack of mental preparations I was embraced by Lord Johannes. I absolutely didn"t expect he would do this without waiting until the wedding.
"L, Lord Johannes…"
Lord Johannes smiled at me, who was thrown into confusion.
The tone of his voice sounded like he was soothing me.
"We had the official engagement ceremony. And Elizabeth, you will remain in this country until the wedding. You won"t return to your home country. I don"t think there"s any reason for us not to embrace."
"T, that"s true, but…"
While confused I was pushed down, and like it was natural Lord Johannes embraced me, who didn"t know anything. He didn"t finish at e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.n.g. once, he soon got used to it and his hot liquid was poured into my innermost place over and over.
Of course, when I woke up in the morning the condition of my body was terrible. My whole body hurt, and I felt discomfort like something was caught in my crotch. I couldn"t even move. Just recalling that dreadful intercourse made me afraid, but I shook my head that it should be alright.
Surely, only the first night would be like this.
The next time it shouldn"t be so dreadful.
Actually, when I afterwards heard the explanation about the magical seal that appeared called the Royal Flower, I came to the conclusion that I"d been embraced so many times despite it being my first time for that sake.
After all, the situation was special. From the next time onwards, he surely won"t desire my body so unreasonably. I thought so.
That was nothing but my wrong impression.
Starting from the first night, the curtain rose on my nightmarish days.
"Ah… No…"
"Kh…"
I completely got used to the wet feeling deep inside my body.
After connecting our bodies on the night of the engagement ceremony, Lord Johannes desired me almost every night.
After one year had pa.s.sed and we got married, it even happened during the day.
My mind was gradually getting exhausted from the act that repeated almost every day.
That"s how much I was desired. Surely, I wasn"t disliked.
But, despite being desired so much, he hadn"t said it to me even once.
It"s a political marriage. I don"t have the luxury of wanting him to tell me loves me.
However, it shouldn"t be a sin to wish he"d speak a few gentle words to me. Even though I understood it was my duty, it was painful to only be desired.
Court ladies were delighted by Lord Johannes"s deep affection, but I didn"t think that was the case. He just desired my body. I couldn"t feel anything but that.
The excitement I felt at first had already been buried in the depths of my heart, now every day only felt depressing.
Still, I endured and somehow managed to get pregnant and give birth to a son.
I was relieved to have finally fulfilled my duty, and yet.
Lord Johannes mercilessly forced himself on me, who had already fulfilled the minimum of her duty. I sincerely thought that my duty as a wife got harder than before.
I don"t want it. I don"t want such an unloving s.e.x anymore.
I fulfilled my duty as a queen. That"s why I want to be set free already.
I was driven to the wall until my limit, and at one point I exploded and rejected both my husband and my son.
I"ll never forget their hurt faces at that time.
Even though it was me who should"ve been hurt, a heartrending feeling of guilt welled up.
―― I am sorry.
I wanted to immediately apologize.
The words I just said were all a lie. I love my son, and I don"t dislike my husband. I just wanted to spit out those bottled up emotions. I just wanted to be treated gently by my husband.
But the words once said cannot be erased.
My son, who didn"t do anything wrong, ran away with a shocked face. I should"ve immediately followed him, but I already couldn"t even do such a simple thing. I was exhausted.
I just stood there petrified as Lord Johannes bowed his head saying he was sorry for what happened until now and left the room.
Only I was left on the spot.
When I came to, everything was over.
Editor: Valeria