Paranoia : Split Self

I managed to last for half an hour before I felt to sleepy and bored to listen to this so I went to search my bag and brought out a toothpaste and toothbrush before I went to the toilet.

I brushed my teeth and washed my face with the very cold water before I just stood there for a while, I called Sui out "Sui? Sui?"

"Michael, you know we shares a brain right, not to consider you are very sleepy right now, what I felt is twice what you are feeling right now if you call me one more time I swear I am going to prank you for a whole week." Sui voice resounded from around me but I didn"t see her before the voice quieted down.

I sighed again wanting to just stood here but then I felt a little guilty about it so I went back after putting the toothbrush and toothpaste back on the bag, opening the bag again I saw the cloth that I was supposed to wear today after I took a bath but I think I will just wear this one.

I zipped back the bad and sat down again, although most of the preaching content is the same as yesterday there is a really different part of the speech this time, there is a part where it mentioned that it"s time for my grandpa to be buried or something.

While I was sitting there, I checked the time and it"s already 9 a.m. so I spend another half hour before the priest stopped his speech and then the staff here began to move the coffin into an ambulance.

Then one by one, my family members entered car after car along with the occasional motor bike but each of them have a yellow flag on their side. And me, I end up riding up a car with an uncle who is a younger brother of my mother.

The whole journey there I tried to divert my sleepiness by reading novels but midway there my sleepiness that is a little wash up by the cold water rose up again making me so dizzy that even reading a novel made me a little dizzy so I tried to sleep but then I finally noticed that sitting on the back of the car where the AC doesn"t reach that place made it so hot that even with that sleepiness and closing my eyes didn"t make me sleep or anything, it felt uncomfortable.

That uncomfortableness did make my sleepiness go away so when we reached the graveyard, I wasn"t that sleepy but it was obvious that my brain needs some rest.

Then I went down to see the grave and I was confused again, as far as I know my grandpa Is kind of a rich guy even in the capital so how did his grave is just some dirt, well the coffin sure looked awesome with various engravings of protestanic symbol and the iconic painting of Yesus but seriously this dirt grave, I even saw not far from here there Is another grave that is made of stone.

Near the hole there is the grave marker and it"s made of wood painted white with his name written on it. Then of course the priest begins his speech but this time it really does fit the atmosphere.

After some more speech which make the same 4 persons minus two cries, my mom and the widow, as my grandma seems to can"t come for some reason and the eldest son didn"t cry. After the speech stopped the workers here then carried my grandpa"s coffin here before lowering it with ropes that is held by them, after the coffin was lowered they even shook the ropes which makes the coffin shook to take the ropes out from being squeezed between the coffin and the earth, it didn"t work then one of the worker climbed down lifting grandpa"s coffin to allow them to pull out the ropes.

In that moment I was shocked again because looking at the people"s face here, they think this is normal but the one I saw on film is not like that. There is a machine that specifically lowered the coffin genteelly, it just seems… barbaric considering how much land, properties, and money my grandpa possessed.

Then the Priest along with his entourage began to sing after he asked the eldest wife to pour some flowers into the coffin before it was buried, just like last night. The sequences wasn"t that different , when I reached down on the plastic bag I felt that the flowers is a real one unlike the imitation one never less I didn"t really care, I just sprinkled the flowed down with a little pity in my heart as I didn"t want my death to end like this if possible.

After all family member sprinkled some flowers, the white cloth that covered grandpa before the coffin is closed is placed again above the flowers and the coffin and the priest spoke up while his entourage continued to sing, he spoke briefly about letting the worker to burry the coffin. Two workers walked in with hoe in their hands, then they began to plow at the dirt around the hole, filling it little by little.

Again I was shocked because in film, people use shovels and with boots those people are bare foot not to mention sometimes they uses their feet to shoves some dirt into the hole. While the hole is being filled up, my aunt from Hong Kong stood in front of the grave that is being filled up crying as many people there too but the eldest and second son of the widow which screamed last night didn"t cry but I at least could see the sadness in their face, ah anyway that aunt of mine while crying is filming the entire process.

Finally, the grave is filled up and the worker then tried to flattened the dirt by stomping on it. Perhaps my real-life knowledge is too lacking as most of my common knowledge is from my interaction in school and university along with Anime, Manga, Film, and Novels.

Just like last night, the priest asked us to splashed some cologne water to the grave but this one is rose smell one. Then one by one we walked around the obvious protrusion of dirt splashing some cologne water on it, making it more obvious where the coffin is.

After this the brother of my grandpa stabbed grave marker near where the head of the coffin is supposed to be before a cousin of mine placed the cross made of flower on top of the grave while the current widow placed a framed picture of my grandpa on where the feet of the coffin is supposed to be.

Then again, we are asked to plant a flower on top of the graves although it"s a fake one, the imitation flower it looked pretty.

While I was walking around thinking in my mind, my aunt, the younger one from the current widow asked me to take a photo with her, then in my mind that is sometimes too optimistic or pessimistic an expectation shows up.

I know that there is a saying that happiness come from low expectation but I just can"t help it whenever someone shows me an act of kindness, I can"t help but to think perhaps this guy want to be my friend or perhaps this girl likes me.

This time is no exception, I tried to convince myself saying that when I moved here cause of collage and visited grandpa she asked for my WhatsApp number and this time she asked me to take a photo with her, rationally thinking I already know that is just a too little of a proof even so I just expect something.

Then I stared blankly at the grave that have become a photo studio. There stood besides the grave full of flowers is some family member stood posing with some other taking photo, not long after I was asked to stand there by my mom so I did.

Looking at their smiley face while eating the distributed snacks while some taking photo, I sometimes doubt whenever these guys even felt sad at all.