Paranoia : Split Self

But… I just stayed still in the bed even though I didn"t shut my eyes for some more sleep because every morning I woke up opening my eyes and the night where I sleep closing my eyes, often that times is the time where I think more deeper into things than usual, the time where I am not disturbed by my hardcore hobby of reading novel and such.

Then a though suddenly floats into my mind, why do you even still alive? Ah! That"s new and unusual for me to even think of that. Why am I even still alive, huh? Well many things, to enjoy my novel, to enjoy life, to explore more, to repay my mother…, to life trough this life that is brought up from the hardship she had felt…, to stay alive?

I ended my thought before it consumed more time and makes me late for my mid-term exam, I was almost late once because I am too focused on a manga that is psychologically deep called, "Punp*n Oyasumi".

I went down from my bed naked, just like the usual I sleep naked, I wore my short pants before I exited my room, I went to the pantry and boiled some water for my oatmeal while I prepared the oatmeal on my bowl and a bottle for my morning coffee so I won"t be to sleepy.

Waiting for the water to boil I looked over my body… my ugly body that is certainly ugly, look at that slightly protruding stomach even though it"s not to visible when I stand straight, look over that red dot over my shoulder and body even though it"s not visible when I wore my shirt, look over my short d.i.c.k, hairy a.s.shole, that face.

My thought was interrupted by the clattering sound from the cover for the boiler indicating the water is already hot enough. I took pull out the electric plugs from the socket before I pour some hot water into the bowl and stir it before I place the boiler back on the still hot electric for the coffee.

I went to take the morning bath as the oatmeal would be too hot right now, right after I finished my morning bath still dressed in my short pants I walked to the public pantry before stirring the warm oatmeal before I lift the bowl and eat it rapidly shoving spoon after spoon before I placed it on the sink.

I plugged the electric boiler again before I went to my room wearing the clothes I wore yesterday too. Believe it or not ever since I wore my short pants after leaving my bed I was doing all those things while reading novels on my phone, while I was boiling the water, while I was taking the bath, while I was eating the oatmeal, all of them.

Is it worth it?

Another voice questioned, my own voice. Yes, is it really worth it spending all my times reading those novel that just like my mother said have no other value other than entertaining myself although some do have knowledge but often those knowledge is twisted into the reality of the novel, different from our reality.

I went back to the pantry leaving the question without an answer for it. I moved the bot water into a small bottle where the instant coffee is and poured until it is filled before I instantly filled it and placed it on the side of my bag.

I left the pantry looking at the doors on the sides of the corridor with plates of number on it. I looked at elevator for a moment before I shifted my eyes to my phone while I walked down the stairs.

I walked to the first floor and opened the gla.s.s door, I saw the security and greeted him, I wondered, does he even care? Does that greeting even have a meaning? Did he think badly of me? In an instant numerous question spring out from my mind mostly negative but a portion of them is positive.

I shook my head; this is why I should just focus on my novel. I met my acquaintance and greeted them or is it friend, I wonder where the lines between friend and acquaintance is? I wonder, I wonder, I wonder why I haven"t studied yet? What!? Oh, yeah, I hurriedly pulled out my book before placing my phone into my bag shifting from my attention from my novel to the book.

I put on my earphone and as the music blared, I isolated myself from the world despite the shakes and b.u.mp, I focused on the music even more than the book In my hand, as usual I lost the sight of what is truly important.

Are you not going to study?

It"s just Character Building, I don"t really need to study for it, despite thinking of that I changed the song from an upbeat on to a slow one and once more focused on the book.

As the music is slow, I sometimes find myself gazing at the fellow pa.s.sengers, the woman, the man, sometimes when I am bored, I count them how many women there is on the bus? How many men?

Looking at the woman, especially the beautiful one I find myself shivering out of… fear, yes fear and I blame it all on the hentai I have read, yes I am afraid because I don"t really know the real world, in my high school days I believed all my experience from reading the novels, mangas, animes, films, have made me more intelligent or something and yet I fell for a phone scam luckily my female friend, yes I acknowledge this one and sure of it, this one is a friend of mine, helped me although I have been already scammed a little of my money.

She scolded me after that, but I am not sad, not mad unlike when my father scolded me where I felt sad, bored, angry, and so, I felt happy, someone paid attention to me, perhaps I am more of an attention seeker than I think of.

Yes, in the high school even until now there is something I didn"t get, why do my cla.s.smate purposely eat at the canteen crowding together like that or go to toilet in crowd, it"s weird, me, I just went to toilet when I need it, I buy my food at the canteen and went back to my cla.s.s and ate it.

Ah! Back to my fear, I fear that women in the real world is just like on the hentai manga is or like in some novels that I have read, they are not loyal, they are gold-digger, they would cheat on you just because someone else have a bigger d.i.c.k than you, they would left you despite all the love you given to her, I am afraid perhaps it"s much worse.

Anyway I read the book again but my mind can"t help but to recall one of the moments in my high school, I was with my "friends" we sat crowding on some tables that is moved to next of each other, I was there not because my "friends" Is there but because I want to listen to the stories that they told the stories that according to them is real and the love story, the struggle in real life is just as interesting as any novel I read.

At that time, I remember I felt that my bladder is full so I hurriedly to the toilet leaving my precious phone there in hurry, at that time I was too trusting and so I didn"t put any security measure on it.

I went back to the cla.s.sroom, hearing the laughter in the room and I was curious just what thing made them laugh, I opened the door and I saw that one of them is holding my phone, I thought he was just playing a game in my phone but then I heard him saying.

"Ahahaha! This is too funny, Michael he really writes down a list of the name of girls that he like. Ahahaha! So he like Jessica as the no.1 huh then Fion"

Hearing the first part of the sentence froze me before I hurriedly s.n.a.t.c.hed my phone, but it was already too late as he is just reviewing what the whole group already know.

The man who I used to call "friend" laughed and continued to joke even as I hold the phone in my hand, perhaps to them this is nothing but a joke but to me it is one of my biggest secret, I want to punch him in the jaw knocking him out, perhaps not because I want him to fell the pain but I didn"t because I knew that the people in this group are his true friend, peoples that this guy could say without doubt his friend and it I attacked he would have their help.

Chest heaving I took my bag leaving the cla.s.sroom, I punched the wall on the first floor until my first bleed, I never done that before the skin on my fist split, it"s muscle was torn from the impact to the wall, usually I stopped when the skin between my fingers split but I didn"t stop this time.

After that the list of name of the girls that I liked, perhaps if it were just the other girls I wouldn"t mind because I just write those names down because they are pretty and have a pretty unique character but Jessica, she then knew, my chance to approach her as a friend before slowly becoming closer to her.

A week later a news. .h.i.t me harder, it turns out she already have a boyfriend, if it were before the list spread although frustrated I would still want to be her friend at her side seeing her smile but now with the list revealed just approaching her is hard, becoming friends with her is even harder, I resented that guy even more.

The bus stopped shocking me out from my reminiscence, it turns out the bus is already at one of the three campus of my university. I went back to reading the book in all seriousness.