Paranoia : Split Self

I noticed that the whole time she was crying and she sobbed even harder as she walked while splashing the water in the bottle into the corpse. Finally, when she handed the bottle to the people from the church she collapsed on the chair before crying even harder.

It was the first time in my life I saw someone cried that hard in real life, sometimes when I went through life I began to think the sadness that is shown in Anime is fake or the people in the Anime is made overly emphatic, even my emotional Mother never cried that hard.

Next is my grandma who is slightly slouched and slow but even though her slightly lowered head I can see her sadness even though she is already abandoned by my grandpa once for a younger woman.

Slowly one by one their face of indifference peeled off as their tears fell down from their eyes or is it? perhaps they just put on the act now, I couldn"t help but to question because before this they seem so unaffected, this is also one of the reason why I mostly stayed in my room, because human is complicated.

Finally, it was my turn I took the bottle before slowly sprinkling the water down as I circled the coffin. I looked again at the corpse that brought out some of my fear but then I also felt sorry about him.

The several times I met him, he is afflicted with sickness so much that he had a hard time standing, he couldn"t move his right hand, having hard time to remember so much that he forgot about my mom that he met weeks ago.

I looked past the crying bunch of people into the smoking people that is still talking with each other. I closed my eyes again as I prayed for him and for me, because if I were to die, I don"t want to be in this situation as if his death is… celebrated.

After all of us went splashing the water we are gathered by the priest to stand circling the coffin. Again I don"t really feel sad so I observed the whole family member, now even my brother and sister is here with mom.

According to my observation there is 6 people that didn"t even shed a tear or their eyes redden. There is 2 of my cousins that I recognize, another 3 cousins that I didn"t recognize and of course me.

These 6 people seems to just following the crowd but I have to admit, when everyone is crying, I was a little affected by the sadness even though I am not sad myself. Then again I couldn"t read people"s micro expression or such things but I am sure that my mom"s sadness is real because the whole time I was with her, she is what could be called a cry baby but she always hold it in before bursting at some point just like now.

Perhaps most of people is here is like that. While I was thinking this some worker from the Funeral Home itself is taking out some pillow and bolster before stuffing it on the sides of my grandpa"s corpse in the coffin.

I don"t know if it"s purposeful but most of the family member that is closest to the coffin, mostly woman fell down and cried even more louder when the glue was placed on the coffin.

Yes, this is one of the things that surprised me so much that the tinge of sadness I felt being influence by the atmosphere is gone.

I didn"t look carefully earlier but the current wife, yes, the young woman that my grandpa married for my old grandma. Cried the hardest and it seems she is in so much sadness that she couldn"t stand had to be helped by the church member to stand and not long before she collapsed on the floor again even with the help of the church member.

I just noticed since that tinge of sadness is gone but this whole time that old priest is still continuing his speech, perhaps if it"s mom who died I would have listened carefully and hoped it to be true but right now I am just thinking how ridiculous it is, that is how human is, that is how I am is.

Just as I begin to notice the priest"s speech again the people from the Funeral Home brought the cover for the coffin. The moment they placed the cover over the coffin made people cried harder and the uncle beside me clenched his fist harder, the second son from the current wife, yes, the guy who played with his phone the whole time the sing-prayer is done.

The cover was slightly adjusted on the coffin before one of the workers pulled out a nail from his pocket and hammered it into the coffin.

The surrounding family member cried even harder but the only thing in my mind is, just how loud these guy ca be? but in the next moment another question surfaced again in my mind, am I a bad human or family member?

Focusing on the second nail that was hammered into the coffin, I was surprised by the sudden shout from beside saying "Stop!!! Open it, let dad out, STOPP ITTT!!" or something.

I looked behind me and I saw that the second son was crying while shouting and the eldest son along with some surrounding people even with tears falling down from their faces. Finally, the eldest son consoled the younger one while they slid into the floor.

Looking at this, the tinge of sadness come back haunting me along with some weird guilt of me not being able to shed a tear for a family member that just died.

I then looked at my brother who is at my side, I tapped his shoulder, I want to ask if my eyes is red or bloodshot or anything similar but then seeing his red eyes with tears gathering in his eyes I waved it saying nothing.

After some people who remained standing helped the one that fell down to their chairs which I followed with, several more minutes of speech pa.s.sed before we dispersed.