But I allowed my benevolent desire not to take an unfair advantage to prevail, and was soon far up the stream with my fishing-rod.
So Monday pa.s.sed. In the evening I had another turn at my books, but an unsatisfactory one.
"What"s the use of muddling my brain? I had better take it easy, and be fresh for to-morrow," thought I, as I shut them up and pushed my chair back from the table.
Next morning brought me a letter from my father:
"This will reach you on the eventful day. You know who will be thinking of their boy every moment. We are happy to know your success is so sure; but don"t be _too_ confident till it"s all well over. Then we shall be ready to rejoice with you. I have already heard of rooms at Cambridge for you; so you see mother and I are counting our chickens before they are hatched! But I have no fears, after what you have told me."
This letter made me unhappy; the sight of my books made me unhappy; the sight of Wilton, Johnson, and Walker, fresh and composed, made me unhappy; the sight of the doctor wishing me good morning made me unhappy. I was, in fact, thoroughly uncomfortable. The list of those one or two little matters that I had intended to polish off grew every time I thought of them, till they wellnigh seemed to eclipse the other subjects about which I felt sure. What an a.s.s I had been!
"The candidates for the Calton Scholarship are to go to the doctor"s cla.s.s-room!"
To the doctor"s cla.s.s-room we four accordingly proceeded.
On the way, not to appear nervous, I casually inquired of Wilton if he had caught any specimens yesterday.
"Yes," he said gaily. "I got one splendid fellow, a green-winged moth.
I"ll show him to you in my study after the exam, is over."
Here was a fellow who could calmly contemplate the end of this day"s ordeal. I dared not do as much as that!
The doctor affably welcomed us to his room, and bade us be seated.
Several quires of blank paper, one or two pens, a ruler, and ink, were provided at each of our four desks.
Then a printed paper of questions was handed to each, and the examination began.
I glanced hurriedly down my paper. Question 1 was on one of those subjects which had escaped my observation. Question 2 was a piece of translation I did not recognise as occurring in the Greek book I had got up, and yet I thought I had been thoroughly through it. Question 3-- well, no one would be able to answer that. Question 4--oh, horrors!
another of those little points I had meant to polish off. Thus I glanced from top to bottom of the paper. Here and there I fancied I might be able to give some sort of answer, but as for the rest, I was in despair. I dashed my pen into the ink, and wrote my name at the head of a sheet of paper, and ruled a line underneath it. Then I dug my fingers in my hair, and waited for an inspiration. It was a long time coming.
In the meantime I glanced round at the other three. They were all writing hard, and Wilton already had one sheet filled. Somehow the sight of Wilton reminded me of the moth he had spoken of. I wondered if it was a finer specimen than I had got at home--mine had blue wings and a horn. Funny insects moths were! I wondered if the doctor used to collect them when he was a boy. The doctor must be nearly sixty now.
Jolly to be a doctor, and have nothing to do but examine fellows! I wondered if Walker"s father had written him a letter, and what sort of nib he (Walker) must be writing with, with such a peculiar squeak-- rather like a frog"s squeak. I wouldn"t mind being a frog for some things; must be jolly to be equally at home on dry ground or in water!
Fancy eating frogs! Our French master was getting more short-tempered than ever.
And so I rambled on, while the paper in front of me remained empty.
The inspirations never came. The hours whizzed past, and my penholder was nibbled half away. In vain I searched the ceilings, and my thumb- nails; they gave me no help. In vain I read over the examination paper a score of times. It was all question and no answer there. In vain I stared at the doctor as he sat quietly writing; he had no ideas for me.
In vain I tried to count, from where I sat, how many sheets Johnson had filled; that did not help to fill mine. Then I read my questions over again, very closely, and was in the act of wondering who first decided that p"s should turn one way in print and q"s another, when the doctor said, "Half an hour more!"
I was electrified. I madly began answering questions at random.
Anything to get my paper filled. But, fast as I wrote, I could not keep pace with Wilton, whose pen flew along the paper; and he, I knew, was writing what would get him marks while I was writing rubbish. Presently my attention was diverted by watching Walker gather up and pin together his papers. I looked at my watch. Five minutes more. At the same time the doctor took out his. I could not help wondering if it was a Geneva or an English watch, and whether it had belonged to his father before him, as mine had. Ah! my father, my poor father and mother!
"Cease work, please, and hand in your papers."
I declined Wilton"s invitation to come and see his moth, and slunk to my room miserable and disgusted.
Even now I do not like to recall the interval which elapsed between the examination and the declaration of the result. To Johnson, Wilton and Walker it was an interval of feverish suspense; to me it was one of stolid despair. I was ashamed to show my face among my schoolfellows; ashamed to write home; ashamed to look at a book. The nearer the day came the more wretched I grew; I positively became ill with misery, and begged to be allowed to go home without waiting for the result.
I had a long interview with the doctor before I quitted Welford; but no good advice of his, no exhortations, could alter my despair.
"My boyhood has been a failure," I said to him, "and I know my manhood will be one too."
He only looked very sorrowful, and wrung my hand.
The meeting with my parents was worst of all; but over that I draw a veil.
For months nothing could rouse me from my unhappiness, and in indulging it I dawdled more than ever. My prospects of a college life were blighted, and I had not the energy to face business. But, as was always the case, I could not for long together stick to anything; and in due time I emerged from my wretchedness, an idle, dawdling youth, with no object in life, no talents to recommend me, nothing to do.
It was deplorable, and my father was nearly heart-broken. Heroically he strove to rouse me to activity, to interest me in some pursuit. He did for me what I should have done for myself--sought occupation for me, and spent days and days in his efforts to get me settled in life. At last he succeeded in procuring a nomination to a somewhat lucrative government clerkship; and, for the first time since I left Welford, my father and mother and I were happy together. Despite all my demerits, I was now within reach of a position which many a youth of greater ability and steadier character might well have envied; and I believe I was really thankful at my good fortune.
"I will go with you to-morrow," said my father, "when you have to appear before the head of the department."
"All right," said I; "what time is it?"
"Half-past eleven."
"Well, I must meet you at the place, then, for I promised to see Evans early in the morning."
"Better go to him to-day," said my mother; "it would be a thousand pities to be late to-morrow."
"Oh, no fear of that," said I, laughing; "I"ve too good an eye to my own interests."
Next morning I went to see Evans, and left him in good time to meet my father at the stated hour. But an evil spirit of dawdling seized me as I went. I stopped to gaze into shops, to chat with a pa.s.sing acquaintance, and to have my boots blacked. Forgetting the pa.s.sage of time altogether, I strolled leisurely along, stopping at the slightest temptation, and prolonging my halts as if reluctant to advance, when suddenly I heard the deep bell of Westminster clock chime a quarter. "A quarter past eleven," thought I; "I must look sharp." And I did look sharp, and reached the place of appointment out of breath. My father was at the door. His face was clouded, and his hand trembled as he laid it on my shoulder, and said, "Charlie, will _nothing_ save you from ruin?"
"Ruin!" said I, in amazement; "what do you mean? What makes you so late?"
"Late! it"s not half-past yet; didn"t you tell me half-past eleven was the time?"
"I did; and it is now just half-past twelve! The post you were to have had was filled half an hour ago by one of the other applicants."
I staggered back in astonishment and horror. Then _it_ flashed on me that I had dawdled away an hour without knowing it, and with it the finest opening I ever had in my life.
I must pa.s.s over the next two years, and come to the conclusion of my story. During those two years I entered upon and left no less than three employments--each less advantageous than the former. The end of that time found me a clerk in a bank in a country town. In this capacity my besetting sin was still haunting me. I had several times been called into the manager"s room, and reprimanded for unpunctuality, or cautioned for wasting my time. The few friends who on my first coming to the town had taken an interest in me had dropped away, disgusted at my unreliable conduct, or because I myself had neglected their acquaintance. My employers had ceased to entrust me with any commissions requiring prompt.i.tude or care; and I was nothing more than an office drudge--and a very unprofitable drudge too. Such was my condition when, one morning, a telegram reached me from my mother to say--"Father is very ill. Come at once."
I was shocked at this bad news, and determined to start for London by the next train.
I obtained leave of absence, and hastened to my lodgings to pack up my few necessaries for the journey. By the time I arrived there, the shock of the telegram had in some way abated, and I was able to contemplate my journey more calmly. I consulted a time-table, and found that there was one train which, by hurrying, I could just catch in a quarter of an hour, and that the next went in the afternoon.
By the time I had made up my mind which to take, and inquired where a lad could be found who would carry down my portmanteau to the station, it was too late to catch the first train, and I therefore had three hours to spare before I could leave. This delay, in my anxious condition, worried me, and I was at a loss how to occupy the interval.
If I had been wise, I should never have quitted that station till I did so in the train. But, alas! I decided to take a stroll instead. It was a sad walk, for my father"s image was constantly before my eyes, and I could hardly bear to think of his being ill. I thought of all his goodness and forbearance to me, and wondered what would become of us if he were not to recover. I wandered on, broken-hearted, and repenting deeply of all my ingrat.i.tude, and the ill return I had made him for his love to me, and I looked forward eagerly to being able to throw myself in his arms once more, and beg his forgiveness.
Thus I mused far into the morning, when it occurred to me to look at my watch. Was it possible? It wanted not half an hour of the time for the train, and I was more than two miles from the place. I started to walk rapidly, and soon came in sight of the town. What fatal madness impelled me at that moment to stand and look at a ploughing match that was taking place in a field by the roadside? For a minute or two my anxiety, my father, the train, all were forgotten in the excitement of that contest. Then I recovered myself and dashed on like the wind.
Once more (as I thought but for an instant) I paused to examine a gipsy encampment on the border of the wood, and then, reminded by a distant whistle, hurried forward. Alas! as I dashed into the station the train was slowly turning the corner and I sunk down in an agony of despair and humiliation.
When I reached home at midnight, my mother met me at the door.
"Well, you are come at last," she said quietly.