He was always very near the bottom of his cla.s.s, because he _would_ prepare the wrong lessons, or misunderstand the questions asked him.
And yet he was always anxious to get on. Once, I remember, he confidentially asked me, if he were to learn Liddell and Scott"s Lexicon by heart, whether I thought he would be able to get the Greek prize?
But he bungled more in the playground than anywhere. Perhaps it was because we laughed at him and made him nervous.
It was rarely any one cared to have him on their side at cricket. He missed the easiest catches, he got leg before wicket, he stopped still in the middle of a run to see if he would have time to finish it, and whenever he did manage to score one he was sure, in his excitement, to knock down his own wicket with a flourish of his bat.
In football it"s no exaggeration to say he was more often on the ground than the ball itself, and was invariably of more service to the other side than to his own. In fact, the possession of him got to be quite a joke.
"Who"s going to win?" asks some one, before a match begins.
"Which side is Billy Bungle on?" is the counter question.
"Oh, he"s on our side."
"Then of course the other fellows will win," is the uncomplimentary conclusion; and Billy, poor boy, who overhears it, half chokes with wounded feelings, and tucks up his sleeves and goes into the game, determined for once he will disappoint those who mock at him. Alas I scarcely has the ball been kicked off than he gets in the way of everybody he ought not to get in the way of, and lets the others pa.s.s him; he collars his own men, and kicks the ball towards his own goal, and falls down just in time to cause half a dozen of his side to tumble over him, and just as the ball rises, straight as an arrow, to fly over the enemy"s goal, his unlucky head gets in the way and spoils everything. No wonder he is in very poor demand as an ally.
Now, the question is, is it altogether Billy"s fault he is such a duffer? Of course it is, say nineteen out of every twenty of my readers. Any one with an ounce of brains and common sense could avoid such stupid blunders. But the twentieth is not quite so positive.
"Perhaps it"s not altogether Billy"s fault," he says. And I must confess I am inclined to agree with this. Of course, a great deal of his "duffingness" (I believe that"s the proper word) is due to his carelessness. If he took the trouble to think about what he was doing, he would never translate a French exercise into Latin, or learn his arithmetic by heart instead of his history; he would never mix together (under his nose) two chemicals that would a.s.suredly explode and nearly blow his head off. For he has a few brains in that head, which makes such blunders all the less excusable. But I am not sure if a good deal of his bad luck is not due to the merciless way in which he was laughed at, and called "duffer," and taught to believe that he could no more do a thing right than a bull could walk through a china-shop without making a smash. He got it into his head he was a duffer, and therefore did not take the pains he might have done.
"What"s the use of my bothering? I"m sure to make a mess of it!"
Fancy a boy saying this to himself at cricket, while a ball is flying beautifully towards him, an easy catch, even for a duffer. Do you suppose he will catch it? Not he. He will stand where he is, and put up his hands, and look another way. In fact, he won"t do his best. And why? Because all of us never expect him to catch it; and if he did, we should probably call it a "fluke," and laugh at him all the more. Yes, it"s our fault in a certain measure that Billy is the awful "duffer" he is.
Sometimes, as in the game of football we have referred to, he does make up his mind to do his best; but even then the idea that "destiny" is against him, and that everybody is expecting him to make a fool of himself, as usual, is enough to make any fellow nervous and a duffer.
However, whatever excuses we may make for Billy, he was undoubtedly a duffer. I have named one reason of his bad luck--want of thought--and another was hurry. In fact, the two reasons become one, for it was chiefly because Billy would never give himself time to think that he made so many mistakes. All his thinking came after the thing was done.
As soon as the chemicals had blown up, for instance, it entered his head he had mixed the wrong ingredients, and as soon as the ball was flying to the wrong goal it occurred to him he had kicked it in a wrong direction.
And this really brings me to the moral of my discourse. Don"t despair, if you are a duffer, for you may cure yourself of it, if you will only _think_ and _take your time_. If we are not quick-witted, it does not follow we have no wits, and if we only use them carefully, we shall be no greater duffers than some of our sharp fellows.
The great philosopher Newton once appeared in the light of a great duffer. He had a cat, and that cat had a kitten, and these two creatures were continually worrying him by scratching at his study door to be let either in or out. A brilliant idea occurred to the philosopher--he would make holes in the bottom of his door through which they might pa.s.s in or out at pleasure without troubling him to get up and open the door every time. And thereupon he made a big hole for the cat and a little hole for the kitten, as if both could not have used the big hole!
Well, you say, one could fancy Billy Bungle doing a thing like that, but what an extraordinary error for a philosopher to fall into! It was, but the reason in both cases is alike. Neither thought sufficiently about what he was doing. Newton was absorbed with other things, and Billy was thinking of nothing, and yet both he and Newton were duffers, which goes to prove that without care any one may belong to that cla.s.s.
How many men who have begun life as reputed "duffers" have turned out great men! but you will find that none of them ever did themselves any good till they had cured themselves of that fault. That"s what you, and I, and Billy Bungle must all do, boys.
Just two words more about Billy. We all liked him, as I have said, for he was imperturbably good-tempered. He bore no malice for all our laughing, and now and then, when he was able to see the joke, would a.s.sist in laughing at himself.
And then he never tried to make himself out anything but what he was.
Of all detestable puppies, the duffer who tries to pa.s.s himself off for a clever man is the most intolerable; for nothing will convince him of his error, and nothing will keep him in his place. He"s about the one sort of character n.o.body knows how to deal with, for he sets everybody else but himself down as duffers. What can anybody do to such a one?
But there is another extreme. Billy"s great fault was that he was too ready to believe others who called him a duffer. Don"t take it for granted you are a duffer because any one tells you so. Find it out for yourself, and when you"ve found it out--"don"t be a duffer!"
CHAPTER SIXTEEN.
THE DANDY.
Fine feathers make fine birds. This is a proverb which a great many people in our country--especially young people--most devoutly believe in, and they show their belief in a very emphatic way. They rig themselves out in the height of the fashion, no matter how ridiculous it is, or how uncomfortable; they take airs upon themselves which do not properly belong to them; they try to pa.s.s for something finer than they are, and if they do not end by being laughed at it is no fault of theirs.
You never saw such a dandy as we had at our school. He rejoiced in the name of Frederick Fop, and seemed possessed of the notion that his dainty person was worthy of the utmost amount of decoration that any one person could bestow upon it. No one objects to a fellow having a good coat and trousers, and a respectable hat; but when it comes to canary- coloured pantaloons, and cuffs up to the finger ends, and collars as high as the ears, and a hat as shiny as a looking-gla.s.s, the fellow gets to be rather a nuisance. Indeed, we had just as much objection to walking out with Fred Fop as we had with Jack Sloven; one was quite as unpleasantly conspicuous as the other.
It was often a marvel to some of us how it came to be allowed for a boy to dress as Fred did. You should have seen him coming down the stairs on Sunday, as we were about to start for church, putting on a lavender glove, and taking a couple of minutes to adjust his hat to the proper angle on his head.
How he minced along the pavement, dreading to speck his exquisite boots, and how artlessly he would carry one glove in his hand, in order to show oil his elegant ring. His umbrella was the size of an ordinary young lady"s parasol, and as for his collars--of course it was impossible to turn his head one way or the other with those things sticking up on either side. He always insisted on having the inside of the pavement, in order to avoid the splashing of the cabs; and invariably entered church last, having occupied a certain time in the porch (so it was said) to make sure his necktie was properly tied, and that the corner of his handkerchief was hanging sufficiently far out of his breast-pocket, and that the expression of his countenance was sufficiently interesting.
Having satisfied himself on these points, he advanced up the aisle in procession with himself, and scented the whole building in his triumphal progress.
It is hardly to be wondered at that Master Fop became the victim of all sorts of practical jokes. If by any chance one of the fellows should happen to be pitching water out of the window, it was an extraordinary coincidence that Fred in his grand hat was nearly always walking underneath. Another time, when some of the elder boys were allowed to attend a grand concert in the village, Fred of course was in his glory, and took every means to create a sensation by his elaborate toilet. And so he did! For as he sauntered beautifully up the hall to his seat in front, he was wholly unconscious that a startling label was hanging gracefully on the back b.u.t.tons of his coat with this legend inscribed thereon--
"Look here! Our noted 50 shilling suit! A bargain!"
It was not till he went to sit down that he discovered the heartless joke, and then--but we may as well draw a veil over his confusion.
Suffice it to say he did not enjoy the concert a bit.
But he was by no means cured of his vanity. No, not even by a subsequent and still more embarra.s.sing adventure.
Several of the boys, among whom were Fred and Jack Sloven, were one day down at the river bathing, when a sudden thought seized certain of Fred"s tormentors to play him a very unkind trick. So while he was swimming by himself some distance off, they scuttled ash.o.r.e and made off, taking with them Jack Sloven dressed up in Fred"s clothes, and, of course, leaving that disreputable young gentleman"s garments behind for the dandy. They made home as fast as they could, and Jack, as quickly as possible, divested himself of his unwonted finery, and put on another of his own suits. Then the conspirators a.s.sembled in the playground with as many of us as had heard what was going on, and awaited the return of poor Fred. He was a long time coming, and before he arrived the head master and two ladies had appeared on the scene.
But the end came to our suspense at last, and we saw our hero march home in state. Such a spectacle you never saw! being rather tall, Sam"s greasy and ink-stained breeches came down only half-way below his knees, and fitted as tight as gloves. The elegant wrists, usually shrouded beneath their snowy cuffs, now stuck out like skewers from two very short, very tight, and very shabby sleeves. Fred had not attempted to don the shirt and collar which had been left for him, and it was pretty evident by the way he shivered that if any one had unb.u.t.toned the coat and grimy waistcoat he would not have discovered much more in the shape of vestments. But he had Jack"s great muddy boots on, and his disgracefully caved-in hat. In this guise he had to perambulate the village, and now, worst of all, he found himself face to face not only with a whole body of his schoolfellows, but with the doctor and two ladies!
If the whole scene had not been so ludicrous, one would have felt sympathy for the poor fellow; as it was, every one burst out laughing the moment he appeared. Even the doctor had to turn suddenly and walk towards the house.
But we heard of the affair again presently; for the doctor always visited severely any act of unkindness done even in joke, and the offenders in this case were duly punished. To his credit be it said, Fred did not exult over his vindication; the only revenge he took was when he had arrayed himself once more in his usual faultless get-up. He came down to the schoolroom where we were all a.s.sembled, and walking up to Jack Sloven, drawled out in a voice which everybody could hear, "Oh, you"ll find your things in the bath-room--all but your shirt. I really couldn"t touch _that_, so it"s lying on the river bank still, where you left it!"
There is one peculiarity about dandies. They are hardly ever persons of great minds. When the exquisite, on being asked how on earth he came by the wonderful necktie he had got on, replied, "Well, you see, I gave my whole mind to it!" he probably spoke the truth. But then you know a mind that exhausts all its energy in the production of a "choker,"
however remarkable, cannot be a great one.
I should be sorry to hurt any one"s feelings, but it is nevertheless a fact that an unhealthy craving after finery is very often a symptom of something not very far short of idiocy. I do not mean to say Fred Fop was an idiot. He had a certain amount of sense; but he would have had a vast deal more if he had not given so much of his mind to the decoration of his person. And with it all he never succeeded, at school at any rate, in pa.s.sing himself off for any one more important than he was. It is as much a sign of being no gentleman to over-dress as to dress like a sloven, but, as in every other case, the secret is to find the golden mean. I have often seen working-men dressed in a more gentlemanly way than certain gorgeous sn.o.bs of my acquaintance; not that their clothes were grander or cost more, but because they were _neat_. That really is the secret. It always seems to me a sign of a man being well dressed when one never notices how he is dressed at all. If he were badly dressed, or if he were over-dressed, one would notice it; and it is a sure sign of his having hit the happy mean when his dress leaves no impression on your mind at all.
But I am not going to set up as a tailor, and so I will bring this paper to a close with this one piece of advice; when there is nothing else left to think about, then by all means let us give our whole mind to the cut of our coats.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.
THE GROWLER.
Who doesn"t know Growler, of our school? He was a sort of fellow nothing and n.o.body could satisfy. If Growler were a week in an African desert without a drop of water to drink, and some one were then to come and offer him a draught, you may depend upon it the fellow would have something to find fault with. The rim of the bowl would be too thick, or there would be a flavour of sand in the water, or the Good Samaritan who held it to his parched lips wouldn"t tilt it up exactly when he ought to do so. If his rich uncle were to give him a splendid gold hunter watch and chain, he would growl because there wasn"t a seal hanging on the latter. If he were to succeed in getting a third prize, he"d growl because he had not got the second. If he got the second, he"d growl because he had not got the first. And if he should win the first prize of all, then he would growl because there was not a higher one possible. Was ever such a hopeless fellow to have to deal with!
I dare say you have heard the story of the Scotch elder who, on the question being raised what service he could render at the church meetings, replied briskly, "I can always object." Well, Growler"s one strong point was his talent for objecting, and gallantly he used it.
He was one of those fellows who think a great deal more about the thorn of the rose than the flower, and who, feeing quite sure that nothing under the sun is perfect, set themselves to discover the imperfections in all things.
I remember once a lot of us had planned a most delightful picnic for a certain holiday. We were to take two boats some miles up the river to a certain little island, where we proposed to land and erect a tent. Each fellow was to bring some contribution to the picnic, which we were to partake of with grand ceremony under the willows. Then we were to have some music, and generally take it easy. Afterwards we were to bathe, and then row some mile or two farther up to the woods, and have a squirrel hunt; and towards evening, after a picnic tea, drift down with the stream in time for the nine o"clock bell. It seemed a perfect plan, and as we sat and discussed it our spirits rose, and we found ourselves already enjoying our picnic in prospect. But presently Growler came into the room, and as he was to be one of the party, we had to go over all the plans again to him. Well, it was too bad! Not a single detail in our programme pleased him.
"Row?" he said; "don"t we get enough rowing, without having to give up holidays to it? besides, what"s the fun of sitting in a tent, or eating your food among all the wasps and gnats up in that place? You surely aren"t going to take that wretched concertina; that"ll be enough to give us the blues, even if it doesn"t rain, which it"s pretty sure to do. I suppose you know the island"s about the worst place for bathing--"
"Come, now, old man, it"s a first-rate place."