Now you’re back, but you’re not the person I’m waiting for.
After Yaw.a.n.g finish telling this part of the story, it’s already three in the morning. The light is shining brightly in the room with Shu Yaw.a.n.g curled up on the couch, too exhausted to lift her head, her eyes looking empty and confused. Her friend Yuan Zhu, have been crying tears throughout the story. She hugs Yaw.a.n.g tightly, not knowing what to say to comfort her. The two feel the warmth of the light shining on them as they sit still for awhile.
“What happened afterwards?” Yuan Zhu can’t help but to ask.
“Afterwards?” Shu Yaw.a.n.g glances down and displays a bitter smile.
“Afterwards, I met you.”
Five years ago, she bought a train ticket that goes from south to north, secretly leaving her home. The moment the train starts it engine, she feels she have nothing. It’s in that train where she met Yuan Zhu. That time, Shu Yaw.a.n.g was looking at the window with tears falling down her face, then she felt someone tapping onto her shoulder. She ignored that person, but the person kept on tapping on her shoulders.
“Miss Xia?”
“My surname is Shu!” She yells as she turns her head around to see who the person is. It’s Xia Mu’s young homeroom teacher!
“Oh.” The young teacher bites onto her fingers nervously as Yaw.a.n.g glares at her with her teary eyes. After awhile, she decides to speak up cautiously.
“Were&h.e.l.lip;you crying?”
“No.” She denies as she turns her head away.
“Oh.” The teacher scratches her head and gives an awkward smile.
“Um&h.e.l.lip;Miss Xia&h.e.l.lip;”
“I told you my surname is Shu! You’re so annoying!” Yaw.a.n.g is so angry that she slammed onto the table. She’s already in a depressed mood, but after meeting this idiotic teacher, she bursted out crying! The teacher bites onto her fingers, shocked to see her cry. She just wants to ask her where’s she going&h.e.l.lip;
When she thinks about the encounter, Shu Yaw.a.n.g can’t help but to laugh, glancing at Yuan Zhu.
“That time, you were really an idiot.” Yuan Zhu smiles embarra.s.singly.
“You were crying so hard then that it shocked me.” That time, she was in S City to be a student teacher. After the training was over, she went to take the train home. There she met Yaw.a.n.g, who looked like a lost child, so sad and confused that she can’t bear to ignore her, so she decided to take the initiative to greet her. After knowing that Yaw.a.n.g have no destination to go to, she suggested to come to W City with her. Yuan Zhu purses her lips and exhales out a sigh.
“Time goes by so fast, it’s already been six years&h.e.l.lip;” Shu Yaw.a.n.g glance down, unable to read her expression.
“Yes, six years&h.e.l.lip;” She raises her head and looks out to the window where it displays the dawn light. She lifts her hand and touches the kissing fish necklace around her neck, squinting her eyes as she said,
“Xia Mu is going to be released&h.e.l.lip;” Once she said his name, her heart clenches. In these few years, she would always dreamt of, dreamt of this cold boy, those pair of empty eyes. She would dreamt of him holding onto a gun with blood dripping where he stand, looking back at her with those empty eyes.
“Yaw.a.n.g, no one can bully you.” She grips onto the necklace tightly, unknowingly turning anxious.
“Then, what about Tang Xiao TIan? Have you seen him these past six years?” Yuan Zhu asks her cautiously. Yaw.a.n.g lowers her head and remains silent. After Yuan Zhu sees her turning silent, she heaves out a sigh, not bothering to continue with the question. The light outside the window is turning brighter, and the alarm on Yaw.a.n.g’s phone suddenly rings. She turns off the alarm and stands up.
“It’s late now, I should be heading to work.”
“Okay, be careful. Remember to eat breakfast.”
“Okay.”
Yaw.a.n.g walks towards the bus stop with her head down, it’s still early to be going to work with a few people standing by the bus stop. She don’t need to wait long for the No. 23 bus to arrive in front of them. She climbs up to the bus and swipes her card, sitting herself down near the back of the bus. As the bus starts to move, she stares ahead blankly. After half an hour, the bus stops at the stop near her company. She gets off the bus and walks to a nearby breakfast cafe and orders a bowl of wonton. She waits in her seat, looking out at the window, being able to see the people across the street clearly. She looks far ahead, looking slightly absentminded.
Four years ago, this was where she saw Tang Xiao Tian standing across the street. That time, she was away from home for two years, she didn’t tell anyone where she went. In the middle, she missed her mother too much so she decided to call her. Her mother cried on the phone, telling her to take care of herself and to come back whenever she’s ready. Shu Yaw.a.n.g kept on nodding her head at her mother’s words.
“After you left, Xiao Tian still kept writing letters to you everyday. He would always come here when he have breaks, he said he won’t look down on you, he will wait for you.” Shu Yaw.a.n.g grips onto the phone tightly and bites her lips.
“Tell him to not wait for me, don’t wait for me.”
“Yaw.a.n.g-ah, Xiao Tian wrote you a lot of letters, how about I send them over to you?”
“No, Mom, don’t send them to me.” She quickly rejects her mother’s suggestion. She’s scared of seeing Xiao Tian’s letters, scared that she won’t be able to control how she misses him, scared that she won’t be able to persist, scared that she will betray Xia Mu who is in prison.
Even though she rejects the letters, her mother still sends the bulk of letters to her. She didn’t dare to open them, not even one! She stacks them up and hides them underneath her bed. How many times did she wanted to open those letters, she can’t remember&h.e.l.lip;
Then one day, as she goes on to her normal routine of heading to work, she sees someone who she didn’t think she will ever see again. She sees him rushing towards her as the cars pa.s.s by so she frantically hides herself. She sees him looking frantically at the crowd of people on the streets, trying to find her. She sees him walking towards her direction and shrinks back, thinking that he might find her. But he didn’t, he just got too tired. He leans his body against the wall while she’s been hiding behind that wall, covering her mouth as she whimpers softly. He leans against the wall, biting onto his lips as his eyes redden, looking at the crowd with a sad face. Shu Yaw.a.n.g thought that time was just a coincidence, that he would leave W City soon. However, every day after that encounter, she would see him standing there, trying to look for her, waiting for her.
For three months, he’s been waiting for her every morning in that same spot. Even if Uncle Tang comes over, it’s useless. Shu Yaw.a.n.g sees Uncle Tang beating Xiao Tian up and she feels hurt like how she did when they were young. But this time, Xiao Tian didn’t listen to his father and keeps standing in place to wait for her. She sees Uncle Tang sighing and leaving when he can’t do anything else.
Yaw.a.n.g looks at him in a distance, and it’s as if Tang Xiao Tian can sense it when he turns his head around and is able to spot her among the crowd of people. She walks towards him step by step and he looks at her in disbelief as he keeps staring at her. When she stands in front of him, he spreads his arms out and hugs her tightly, unwilling to let her go. Yaw.a.n.g stays still, letting him have her in his embrace. She can’t hold back her tears, she missed his hugs, she missed them. Tang Xiao Tian also tears up, they haven’t said anything after seeing each other for a long time since they know they’re not the Shu Yaw.a.n.g or Tang Xiao Tian they were before. They know that they can’t be together again, because they know, their time is over.
“Xiao Tian, go back.” She tells him in a soft voice.
“Yaw.a.n.g, Yaw.a.n.g, Yaw.a.n.g.” He cries as he keeps on repeating her name. This tough man is crying, wetting her shoulder with his tears. She bites on her lips and tells him to go back again.
“Go back, go back, I’m begging you.”
“Yaw.a.n.g, go with me. I will stay by your side and not go anywhere else. I will stay by your side and not have you wait for me. I will stay by your side and not let anyone bully you, let me stay by your side&h.e.l.lip;” Yaw.a.n.g shakes her head and starts to sob out loud.
“It’s late, it’s too late. Xiao Tian, it’s really too late. I can’t be with you. I’ve been waiting, been waiting for you to come back, waiting for so long, but at the end I couldn’t wait for you till the end.”
“Now you’re back, but you’re not the one who I’m waiting for.”
“No, no.” Tang Xiao Tian tightens his grip around her, unwilling to let her go!
“Xiao Tian, you said this before, that you were not afraid if I go somewhere far, go look at more beautiful sceneries, or to meet a better man. Now, I’m somewhere far away, really far away. I’m not going back, not going back to your side.” She turns her head and walks away as she sobs. Tang Xiao Tian looks at her back and slowly crouches down, hiding his face with his hand in agony&h.e.l.lip;
The breakfast cafe is bustling with customers, their voices raising as they call out their orders. The corner of Yaw.a.n.g’s eyes are slightly moist when a fat body strides towards her, putting down her bowl of wonton in front of her.
“Miss, your wonton.” Shu Yaw.a.n.g awakens from her memories and inhales deeply, turning her head to look at the waiter.
“Thank you.” She thanks him politely. She eats her breakfast bit by bit, a drop of tear accidentally falling down into the bowl. The ones who were in love in the beginning, do not stay together in the end. The ones who were in love in the beginning, goes off to different directions in the end. The ones who were in love in the beginning, cannot tightly embrace each other when they meet again. The ones who were in love in the beginning, cannot give each other deep kisses when they meet again. The ones who were in love in the beginning&h.e.l.lip;
Original work 夏有乔木，雅望天堂 written by 籽月
Trans: yifanqini