Chapter Ten.
Two days have pa.s.sed and I still haven"t been back to my apartment. It feels good to be at work knowing that home" is at Alexandre"s place with him - that at the end of the day, I have my partner waiting for me. Finally, I can concentrate when I"m at work doing something else other than obsess over lost love. Although he and I still have a lot of making up to do for lost time, or should I say, making out" to do. Like teenagers freshly fallen in love, we can"t get enough of each other.
I think back again to the way I behaved, crawling out of that toilet window at Van Nuys Airport and it feels as if it was someone else, not me. I don"t think I had fully appreciated the toll that the rape had on me; the memory flooding back in such detail gang rape being abused, used and made to feel like trash, as if I had no importance in the world whatsoever. People imagine it"s the physical violation that is so devastating, and although it"s true, it is nothing to what goes on inside your brain. I had hidden it deep in my subconscious, but it was still there the feeling of worthlessness that ate into my psyche every single day for eighteen years. And whatever anybody says, however hard they try to a.s.sure you, deep down inside is that feeling of culpability - even if you know, logically, that it"s nonsense.
No, I don"t think I took it all on board and the effect it had on me. Remembering everything brought me back to that moment, that night. It made me vulnerable, a p.a.w.n for Laura. Had I not been in such a sorry state, I don"t believe that I would have been so naive, so blind making rash, foolish choices based on nothing but fear. I have always prided myself on being astute and on the ball, but I was like a helpless beetle that had been flipped over, flailing my weak legs in the air. My armor was on my back, not on my underbelly where I needed it most.
Or perhaps the way I handled things with Alexandre was a subconscious desire to continue punishing myself because I didn"t believe I deserved better. Alexandre said so at the time; that I was using Sophie as an excuse to run from him. It was only when I felt I"d lost him completely that I could see the situation for what it was. Me all alone for the rest of my life. Back in The Desert. Thirsty for love. For s.e.x. For self-worth. I"d lost the one thing that was true: Alexandre.
Alexandre gives me that sense of self worth. Having a man be so intimate with you, telling you that your private parts are sweet" and delicious" is a real gift. Few men do that. Few men make you feel really special and treasured. Yes, I am hooked on the o.r.g.a.s.ms he feeds me every day, but it is the intimacy, the connection that gives me those o.r.g.a.s.ms in the first place. He is accepting every part of me, even the dirty" bits that he finds beautiful. He finds my v.a.g.i.n.a so beautiful he calls it my pearlette" because for him it is a little part of me a little part that is like a jewel. Yet for me those bits" caused such inner turmoil for so many years making me feel I was bad and unworthy. Alexandre has restored the faith I once had in myself before that dreaded event.
As he once told me, the biggest s.e.xual organ is your brain" and he is, little by little, convincing me that I am precious that I count in this world. Being s.e.xy is all about self-confidence. It"s all a question of how you feel inside. Alexandre took my dull nub of a diamond and he polished it until it began to shine.
I have even given nicknames to my v.a.g.i.n.a: Venus, V-8 that"s how confused I"ve been about s.e.x and my own s.e.xuality. Like a little girl not being able to call it by its real name. Both ashamed and amused, all in one. t.i.ttering about its naughtiness like a child in the cla.s.sroom with a secret joke. Too fearful to come out and say the real word. v.a.g.i.n.a. There, I said it. Was that so difficult? G.o.d gave females v.a.g.i.n.as yet I was subconsciously shameful of having one because of what it brought me. That rape left me ashamed of having a v.a.g.i.n.a, of being a woman.
s.e.x is not everything but it is, literally, the core of us. We are born from s.e.x. The world lives on through s.e.x. We can feel ecstasy through s.e.x.
Or misery.
And I never want to return to that place again.
It"s all abuzz at HookedUp Enterprises today. Natalie is putting the final touches to our doc.u.mentary, Child Traffick Red Light Alert - (a double entendre on traffic lights and the red light districts in the s.e.x industry). It"s looking great. Well, great" is not exactly the best word to use with such a heartbreaking topic let"s just say, the film is brilliantly put together. We have already sold the rights in ten countries and it has been entered into several compet.i.tions. I have high hopes for this film.
I"m in my office sorting through paperwork when Jeanine, our receptionist, buzzes me.
"Hi Pearl, Natalie wants to come and see you, are you free right now?"
"Absolutely," I reply, curious as to why she"s paying me a visit usually we meet in the editing room.
Ten minutes later, she bursts through the door, looking stunning, as usual, yet with a girlish restlessness about her which I haven"t noticed before Natalie is usually so composed, such a grown-up".
"Hi Natalie. You look amazing like ten years younger or something." I rake my eyes over her outfit: tight jeans; not Natalie"s usual attire.
"Or something," she says with a laugh. "Do you want to hear the good news first, or the good news second?"
"The good news second."
She sets her tablet on my desk and plunks herself in my swivel chair giving it, and herself, a little spin. Boy, is she in a good mood. "Actually, I can"t make up my mind which is better," she gushes.
"Tell me either way, the suspense is killing me."
"Okay. Firstly, your fiance has started this foundation for us a charity.
"Oh yes?" I ask with curiosity. How come he never mentioned this?
Natalie goes on, "It"s called the Jane Doe Foundation. It has been set up for s.e.xually abused girls and young women. Because of all our research and experience with the girls we"ve met through our project, he thinks HookedUp Enterprises is the perfect vehicle, although I have been sworn that HookedUp Enterprises will never be mentioned at any time. The Foundation is financially independent.
"I guess I shouldn"t be surprised. He"s rich; he can afford to give money away to worthy causes good for him."
She nibbles on a pen lying on my desk. "No, that"s what"s so cool. This isn"t his money but has come in from four, other, private sources."
"Jane Doe, you say?"
"That"s right. Because abused girls are handled like Jane Does, ident.i.ties unknown, or treated like they haven"t got a name; they are victims, not just because they"ve been abused but because so many people don"t even know who they are. Or worse, they don"t care."
"Jane Doe," I repeat. "Was that his idea?" Natalie has no clue about what happened to me all those years ago. Primarily, ours is a working relationship.
"Yeah, not even I could have come up with such an original name."
I raise my eyebrows. Is she being sarcastic? I study her expression.
"No, really, I think the name is cool," she says, tapping her legs eagerly as if she"s ready to talk about her other good news.
"Who are these benefactors?"
She beams at me. "Anonymous."
"And they all came in together with the money? At one time? Or was this charity set up a while ago and this is the first we"re hearing of it?"
She"s still grinning. "It was set up, oh, I think less than a week ago."
"And we are to distribute the funds as we see fit?"
"That"s right."
Revenge is a dish best served cold. What has Alexandre been up to?
"Do you want to hear my other good news?" Natalie asks, impatience dancing in her eyes.
I blink to concentrate on what she"s about to say. "Yes. Yes, of course."
"I"m dating someone new."
I give her a cheeky smile. "Hence the s.e.xy jeans?"
"You like my new look?"
"Any look suits you, Natalie," I say, trying to get Alexandre and his Robin Hood shenanigans out of my head. I wonder how he did it. The coincidence is too much. Four benefactors, Jane Doe...
Natalie jiggles her boot. She"s wearing heels. "Aren"t you going to ask who it is?"
"Let me guess. That lawyer guy you saw last year that you kind of liked?"
"No-o," she sing-songs.
"That doctor who your friend, Gail, wanted to send you on a blind date with?"
"Not even close."
I throw my hands in the air. "Okay, I give up." Natalie swore she would only ever date a man who earned a six figure salary. With all the commotion with her aunt after Hurricane Sandy, I"m amazed she has even found time to date anyone at all. In fact, this is the first time I have seen her so giddy with happiness she deserves it after the Sandy aftermath and all that she has been doing for her family.
"A firefighter," she says and then laughs. "I know...not what you expected." She gives the chair a three hundred and sixty degree swivel.
"Probably not what you expected, either," I joke.
"He was cleaning up the devastation where my aunt used to live. Broken gas pipes, et cetera the place was dangerous, you know. He told me to clear off. Then we got talking."
"What"s his name?"
"Miles. After Miles Davis."
"I"m so happy for you," I tell her, trying to hide my surprise.
"You don"t think I"m crazy?"
"Are you kidding? They"re the bravest, coolest bunch of people in the world. Not to mention..." I trail off.
"What?"
I try to suppress a grin. I think of Alexandre in his firefighter get-up and a s.e.xy-memory frisson runs up my spine.
"You have such a dirty mind, Pearl."
"Well, let"s face it - a guy in uniform? A firefighter in uniform is every woman"s fantasy."
"Well, I have to say..." she arches a neat eyebrow.
"You haven"t, you didn"t?" Natalie and I rarely talk about anything other than work. But she"s in the mood to reveal all, obviously.
She widens her hazel eyes. She looks like a little girl who"s had way too much candy. "He was very apologetic. I went to his house for dinner and he hadn"t had time to change. I flung myself at him."
"I bet you did. So what does he look like? No, that"s wrong I should be asking you if he"s kind and caring-"
"Imagine a young Denzel Washington with a bit of Wesley Snipes thrown in."
"Very nice, indeed."
"Miles is a s.e.xy c.o.c.ktail, alright."
"Yeah, you look a little tipsy," I joke, "that"s for sure. How old is he?"
She sighs. "A little younger than me."
"Join the club. So is this serious, like relationship serious or just....exercise?" I ask.
"That"s what"s so crazy. At the beginning I thought it was just for fun but he"s like...so sincere, so genuine. I think I"m falling for him."
"Does he know that?"
"No way! I"m not like you, Pearl. I don"t wear my heart on my sleeve. I"m playing it cool. You know, not always available. Making sure he knows he has to book an evening with me way in advance. No last minute dates."
I think of my rock climbing date with Alexandre...so last minute. Boy, was I easy. "Poor guy," I say making a face, "You"ve probably got him pining for you."
"That"s the idea."
"You"re such a catch, Natalie. I bet he feels he"s in over his head."
"I don"t think so. He"s very confident and pretty c.o.c.ky."
"Well, he"s met his match in you."
She giggles. Natalie never giggles. "Am I that bad?"
"You can be pretty formidable."
"Is that what your father said about me?"
"No, Not at all."
"The truth is, there was no way I was going to move to an island in the middle of nowhere and leave New York it would never have worked out with your dad."
"I know. My dad got that. Speaking of moving to Hawaii ...no, never mind." I walk over to the window and look down at the street. People are rushing this way and that, buzzing about in the post-holiday sales.
"What? I hate it when you do that give me half a secret and then take it away again."
I turn around. She"s still swiveling in my chair. "How do you know it"s a secret?"
She glares at me playfully. "I can tell by the look in your eye."
"I"ll tell you when it"s a sure thing."
"See? There you go again, Pearl."
I hesitate. Would Daisy mind me telling Natalie? No, she wouldn"t. I say, "Well, okay. It looks as if Daisy might have something going on with someone she met there."
Natalie claps her hands. "That"s fantastic! Who is he?"
"A surfer dude. But very cute."