One Day when the Provider struck the Premises he found the Workmen putting Red Burlap on the Walls of the Sitting-Room.
"Why the Gunny-Sack?" he asked. "Can"t we afford Wall-Paper?"
"Love of Art is the True Essence of the Higher Life," said the aesthete, and she began to read a Booklet bound in the same Paper that the Butcher uses when he wraps up a Soup Bone.
"Come again," said the Wage Earner, who was slow at catching these Ruskin Twisters.
"This is Art Burlap and not the kind that they use for sacking Peanuts," explained the Disciple of Beauty. "Above the Burlap will be a Shelf of Weathered Oak, and then above that a Frieze of Blue Jimson Flowers. Then when we draw all of the Curtains and light one Candle in here it will make a Swell Effect."
"I feel that we are going to be very Happy," he said, and then he went out and sat behind the Barn, where he could smoke his Pipe and meditate on the Uncertainties of Life.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Artistic Dining-Room._]
Next Day he discovered that she had condemned his Rocking-Chair and the old-style Centre Table on which he used to stack his Reading Matter and keep a Plate of Apples handy.
When he entered the improved and modernized Living Room, he found himself up against a Job Lot of Beauty and no Mistake.
All the Furniture was straight up and down. It seemed to have been chopped out with an Axe, and was meant to hold up Members of the Rhinoceros Family.
On the High Shelf was a Row of double-handled Shaving Mugs, crippled Beer Steins, undersized Coal Scuttles and various Copper Kettles that had seen Better Days.
"At last we have a Room that satisfies every Craving of my Soul," said the Wife.
"I am more than Satisfied," observed the Treasurer. "I am delirious with Joy. My only regret is that an All-Wise Providence did not mould me into a different Shape so that I might sit down in some of these Chairs. What are those Iron d.i.n.kuses sticking out from the Wall?"
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Artistic Bed-Chamber._]
"Those are Florentine Lanterns," she replied; "and they are very Roycroftie, even if they don"t give any Light."
Next she started in on the Dining-Room.
Rule No. 1 for making Home more Cheerful is to put in a Shelf wherever there is room for one. After which the Shelf is loaded down with Etruscan Growlers and Antique Jugs.
The low-browed Husband could not tell the difference between High Art and Junk.
The female Bradleyite covered the Walls with about 400 Plates, each with a Blue Curly-Cue on it. They looked very Cheap to him until he received the Bill, and then he learned that they were Old Delft and came to $11 apiece.
In fact, after his Wife had been haunting the Second-Hand Places for a while, he learned that any Article which happened to be old and shopworn and cracked was the one that commanded the Top Price.
She never let up until she had made the whole House thoroughly Artistic.
Her Women Acquaintances would come in, and she would show them the Dark Oak Effects and the Sea-Green Frescoes and the Monastery Settee with the Sole-Leather Bottom in it and the corroded Tea-Pot that she had bought for $95 and the Table Spread made from Overall Material with just one Yellow Poppy in the Middle, and they would have 37 different kinds of Duck Fits and say that it was Grand and that her Taste was simply Faultless. After that she wouldn"t care what Husband said.
He was a fairly patient Man, and all he complained of was that when he sat down he dislocated his Spine, while the Bra.s.s k.n.o.bs wore black-and-blue Spots on him; and the dining-room Table should have had a couple of Holes for him to put his Legs through; and he couldn"t find a Place in which to stretch out; and he needed a Derrick to move one of the Chairs; and at Night when the Moonlight came into his Room and he saw all the b.u.mmy Bean-Pots lined up on the Foot-Board and the Instruments of Torture staring at him from every corner of the Room, he would crawl down under the Covers and dream of his Childhood Home, with the old-fashioned Sofas and the deep Rocking-Chairs and the big Bureaus that were meant to hold Things and not to look at. However, he has been unable to arrest the reaching-out after the Beautiful, for only last Week she purchased a broken-down Clock--price $115.
MORAL: There is no Place like Home, and some Husbands are glad of it.
_THE PATIENT TOILER WHO GOT IT IN THE USUAL PLACE_
Once there was an Office Employee with a Copy-Book Education.
He believed it was his Duty to learn to Labor and to Wait.
He read Pamphlets and Magazine Articles on Success and how to make it a Cinch. He knew that if he made no Changes and never beefed for more Salary, but just buckled down and put in Extra Time and pulled for the House, he would Arrive in time.
The Faithful Worker wanted to be Department Manager. The Hours were short and the Salary large and the Work easy.
He plugged on for many Moons, keeping his Eye on that Roll-Top Desk, for the Manager was getting into the Has-Been Division and he knew there would be a Vacancy.
At last the House gave the old Manager the Privilege of retiring and living on whatever he had saved.
"Ah, this is where Humble Merit gets its Reward," said the Patient Toiler. "I can see myself counting Money."
That very Day the Main Gazooks led into the Office one of the handsomest Tennis Players that ever worked on Long Island and introduced him all around as the new Department Manager.
"I shall expect you to tell Archibald all about the Business," said the Main Gazooks to the Patient Toiler. "You see he has just graduated from Yale and he doesn"t know a dum Thing about Managing anything except a Cat-Boat, but his Father is one of our princ.i.p.al Stock-Holders and he is engaged to a Young Woman whose Uncle is at the head of the Trust."
"I had been hoping to get this Job for myself," said the Faithful Worker, faintly.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _His Ambition._]
"You are so valuable as a Subordinate and have shown such an Apt.i.tude for Detail Work that it would be a Shame to waste you on a $5,000 Job," said the Main Gazooks. "Besides you are not Equipped. You have not been to Yale. Your Father is not a Stock-Holder. You are not engaged to a Trust. Get back to your High Stool and whatever Archibald wants to know, you tell him."
MORAL: One who wishes to be a Figure-Head should not Overtrain.
_THE SUMMER VACATION THAT WAS TOO GOOD TO LAST_
Once there was a Wife who gave the Money-Getter a Vacation by going into the Country for a Month. Dearie took her to the Train, and all the way she kept saying that it did not seem just Right to romp away on a Pleasure Trip and leave him Sh.e.l.l-Roaded.
He began to fear that she would Weaken, so he told her that while he was slaving and humping in the City, it would give him sufficient Joy to know that Darling was out in the Woods, listening to the Birds.
He insisted that she should stay until she was thoroughly Rested.
Of course, he did not dare to make it too Strong. He played the Self-Sacrifice Gag and threw in a Dash of Marital Solicitude, and made an awful Try at imitating one who has been soaked by a Great Sorrow.