People You Know.
by George Ade.
_PREFACE_
This little book is not supposed to contain any new information. It is made up of plain observations concerning people who live just around the corner. If the reader will bear in mind that _only_ the people who live around the corner are discussed in this volume, there will be no chance for painful misunderstandings. I have no desire to rub the wrong way anyone who proves his true friendship by purchasing a copy of this Work. It may be advisable to explain that these Fables are written in the colloquial American language. The vocabulary employed is one that has become familiar to the ear, although it is seldom seen on the printed page. In other words, this volume contains a shameless amount of slang. If any part of it is unintelligible to the reader, he should be glad that he has escaped what seems to be an epidemic.
THE AUTHOR.
_THE PERIODICAL SOUSE, THE NEVER-AGAIN FEELING AND THE RIDE ON THE SPRINKLING CART_
Once there was an Indian who had a Way of putting on all his Feathers and breaking out of the Reservation.
For three Weeks at a Stretch he gave a Correct Imitation of the Shining Light who pa.s.ses the Basket and superintends the Repairs on the Parsonage. He was ent.i.tled to a Mark of 100 for Deportment. With his Meals he drank a little Polly. After Dinner he smoked one Perfecto and then, when he had put in a frolicsome Hour or so with the North American Review, he crawled into the Hay at 9.30 P.M.
At last he acc.u.mulated a Sense of Virtue that was hard to carry around. He was proud of himself when he counted up the number of days during which he had stuck to the Straight and Narrow. It seemed to him that he deserved a Reward. So he decided to buy himself a little Present, something costing about 15 cents. He picked out a First-Cla.s.s Place where they had Electric Fans and Pictures by the Old Masters. He poured out a Working-man"s Size--the kind that makes the Barkeep stop wiping up and look unfriendly for a Moment or two.
Then he remembered that a Bird cannot fly with one Wing, so he gently raised the Index Finger and gave the Prescription Clerk a Look, which in the Sign Language means, "Repeat the Dose."
It is an Historical Fact that when a Man falls backward from the Water Wagon he always lands in a Crowd. The full Stage Setting, the Light Effects and the Red Fire were all ready to make it a Spectacular Affair. Just after he had mowed away No. 2 and had stopped worrying about the Winter"s Coal, he began to meet Friends who were dying of Thirst. Then the atmosphere began to be curdled with High b.a.l.l.s and Plymouth Sours and Mint Smashes, and he was telling a Shoe Drummer that a lot of People who had been knocking him would probably be working for him before the Year was out.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _For Three Weeks._]
Then he found himself in a four-oared Cablet and the Sea became very Rough. There was something out of Whack with the Steering Gear, for instead of bringing up at his Boarding House he found himself at another Rum Parlor. The Man who owned the Place had lost the Key and could not lock up. Here he met several Delegates to a State Convention of a Fraternal Order having for its Purpose the uplifting of Mankind.
They wore Blue Badges and were fighting to get their Money into the Cash Register. In a little while he and a red-headed Delegate were up by the Cigar Counter singing, "How can I bear to leave thee?" He put in an Application for Membership and then the next Picture that came out of the Fog was a Chop Suey Restaurant and everybody breaking Dishes.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Brothers._]
Soon after, the Lights went out and when he came back to Earth he was lying the wrong way of his Bed with Blue Badges all over him, trying to swallow a Bath Towel, which he afterward discovered was his Tongue.
By getting a Leverage under his Head he managed to pry it up and then he sat on the edge of the Bed and called himself Names. He had nothing left over except the Cards given to him by the Brothers from up State somewhere. He had a dim and sneaking Recollection that he had given his address and Phone Number to the whole Tribe and begged them to look him up.
"Not any more in Mine," said he, as he held a Towel under the Faucet.
"Not for all of Morgan"s would I look at any more of that Essence of Trouble. I wonder if I"ll live through the Morning."
That Day he lived on Bromo and Ice, and the only Satisfaction this Life offered was the Fact that he was a Reformed Man.
On the Second Day he could look at Solid Food without having a Spasm.
His Hair stopped pulling and he began to speak to the People he met.
When asked to step out for a little while, he lost his Temper and made a little Talk on the Subject, proving conclusively that there was Nothing in it.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Never Again!_]
As he walked homeward in the Dusk he pa.s.sed the Clubs and Cafes where those who Drank were rounding up and he felt sorry for them.
"Why can"t they pa.s.s it up, the same as I do?" he asked himself. "Ah, if only they knew how much more Fun it is to be Respectable."
It was an actual Mystery to him that any one could dally with a Dry Martini while there was a Hydrant on every Corner.
On the third Day he was cracking his Whip and begging People to get up on the Wagon with him. And he said it was a Queer Thing, but he couldn"t bear the Sight of it.
While on the fourth Evening he confessed to some nice People he met at a Church Social that at one time he had allowed himself to be coaxed into taking an occasional Nip but he reasoned it all out and decided it was a Bad Thing and simply Chopped it right off. They told him it was wonderful how much Will Power he had and asked him if he ever felt the Old Craving coming back on him, and he said he could see it splashing all around him and not have the faintest Desire to dip in.
He was so stuck on himself that he went around to call on all his Friends who kept it on the Table so that he could wave it to one side and tell how he despised it. He sat there and pitied those who were inhaling it. Every Morning when he arose he would throw kisses to himself in the Gla.s.s and exclaim: "Aha! The Head as clear as a Bell this A.M. I"ll bet I"m the cleanest and nicest Young Fellow in this Town. Any Girl that picks out a Sober and Steady Man such as I am will certainly be showing good Judgment."
As Narrated at the Beginning, for three weeks he worked hard at the Job of being an Abstainer. And at last he acc.u.mulated a Sense of Virtue that weighed over 200 Pounds. He knew that he was ent.i.tled to a Reward, so he decided to buy himself a little Present. Just a wee Reminder of by-gone Days and then back to Sarsaparilla. But he fell into a Crowd. There was another State Convention. It had been arranged for him so that he could get a Fresh Start.
MORAL: Life is a Series of Relapses and Recoveries.
_THE KIND OF MUSIC THAT IS TOO GOOD FOR HOUSEHOLD USE_
One Evening a little Flock of Our Best People got together at the Home of a Lady who invariably was first over the Fence in the Mad Pursuit of Culture. She loved to fill her Front Rooms with Folks who wore 7 Hats and read Norwegian Novels that no one else ever heard anything about.
On the Evening already mentioned she had a Cl.u.s.ter of Geniuses on hand. They were expected to Talk for a couple of Hours, so as to work up an Appet.i.te for Neapolitan Ice-Cream and Lady-Fingers. In the course of time they got around to the Topic of Modern Music. All agreed that the Music which seemed to catch on with the low-browed Public was exceedingly punk. They rather fancied "Parsifal" and were willing to concede that Vogner made good in Spots, but Mascagni they branded as a Crab. As for Victor Herbert and J.P. Sousa--back to the Water-Tanks!
[Ill.u.s.tration: _They Love It._]
A little later in the Game the Conversation began to Sag and it was suggested that they have Something on the Piano. They gathered around the Stack of Music and then Vogner went into the Discard and Puccini fell to the Floor unnoticed and the Cla.s.sics did not get a Hand. But they gave a Yelp of Joy when they spotted a dear little Cantata about a c.o.o.n who earned a Razor and had trouble with his Wife. They sang the Chorus 38 times and the Young Lady wore out both Wrists doing Rag-Time.
MORAL: It is proper to enjoy the Cheaper Grades of Art, but they should not be formally Indorsed.
_THE ONE OR TWO POINTS OF DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LEARNING AND LEARNING HOW_
In a Red School-House back in the Web-Foot District, it was the Custom to have a Debate every Friday Afternoon. The much-mooted Question as to which does the greater Damage, Fire or Water, had been carefully gone over by the Squabs. Also who was the heftier Proposition, Napoleon or Washington? But the original Stand-by was as follows: "Resolved, that Education is better than Wealth."
The Corporate Interests got many a Whack here in the Knowledge Works.
Most of the Children wanted to grow up and be like Galileo. They claimed that mere Wealth could not purchase Happiness. The only genuine Peace of Mind came from being able to call off the Geological Periods with the Eyes closed.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Otis and Bradford._]
Here in this little Brain Hatchery were two Kids who were not Mates.