The Man let out a low Howl like that of a Prairie Wolf and ran from the Office. When he arrived at Home he threw his Hat at the Rack and then made the Children back into the Corner and keep quiet. His Wife told around that Henry was Working too hard.
MORAL: Work is a Snap, but the Intermissions do up the Nervous System.
_THE SICKLY DREAM AND HOW IT WAS DOCTORED UP_
One Day a pure white Soul that made Sonnets by hand was sitting in his Apartment embroidering a Canto. He had all the Curtains drawn and was sitting beside a Shaded Candle waiting for the Muse to keep her Appointment. He wore an Azure Dressing-Gown. Occasionally he wept, drying his Eyes on a Salmon Pink Handkerchief bordered with yellow Morning Glories. Any one could tell by looking at him that he was a delicate Organism and had been raised a Pet.
Presently he put his left Hand to his Brow and began to indite with a pearl-handled Pen on Red Paper. Then there was a Ring at the Bell.
"Oh, Fudge!" said the Author. "That distressing Sound! And just when I was beginning to generate Ethereal Vapor. Hereafter I shall order the vulgar Tradespeople to deliver all Marshmallows at the Servants"
Entrance."
He began to write again, reviving himself at the end of each Word, by means of Smelling Salts. He did not see the Artist standing in the Doorway.
The Artist was a muscular Person with an Ashen Complexion and a Suit that was not large enough to show the entire Pattern. He carried a Bludgeon with a Horse"s Head on it. In order to attract the Attention of Mr. Swinburne, he whistled through his Teeth, whereupon the Author jumped over the Table and fell among the Rugs, faintly calling "Mother! Mother!"
"Cut it out!" exclaimed the Artist. "What"s matter? Huh?"
"Oh, how you startled me," said the Author sitting up among the Rugs.
"Just as you came in I was writing about the Fays and the Elfins. I was in the deep Greenwood, the velvet Sward kissing my wan Cheek and the Leaves whispering overhead."
[Ill.u.s.tration: _The Author._]
"I see," said the Artist. "A Dark Change from an Interior to a Wood Set. That"s all right if you can do it quick. Who did you say you was doing it for--the Fays?"
"I mentioned the Fays and Elfins," replied the Author.
"I"ve heard of the Fays," said the Artist. "They"re out on the Orpheum Circuit now. But the Elfins--no. What kind of a Turn do they do?"
"Ah, the Elfins!" said the Author. "They dance in the Moonlight and skip from Tree to Tree.
"Acrobatic Stuff with Light Effects, eh? Well, you"re on a couple of Mackerels. I never see any Benders that could get away with a Talking Act. You want to give your Piece to somebody that can Boost you. You write a good gingery Skit for me and Miss Fromage and we"ll put your Name on a Three-Sheet in Letters big enough to scare a Horse."
"I gather from the somewhat technical Character of your Conversation, my dear sir, that you are a.s.sociated with the Drama," said the Author.
"Is it a Kid?" asked the Artist. "Wuzn"t you ever in Front? Don"t you look at the Pictures in the Windows? I"m Rank, of Rank and Fromage.
Miss Fromage is the other half this Season, and if you seen her a Block off you"d say, "Is it or ain"t it Lillian Russell?" We"ve just closed with McGoohan"s Boisterous Burlesquers. We was so strong that we killed the rest of the Bill, so we got the Blue Envelope. Now they"re using all our Business, including the Gag about the Custard Pie."
"To what am I indebted for the Honor of this Visit?" asked the Author.
"I heard that you was a Litry Mug and I"m around here to see you about a Sketch for me and Miss Fromage. The one I"ve got now is all right, but in it I"ve got to eat 8 hard-boiled Eggs, and with 4 shows a Day that"s askin" too much of any Artist. This Sketch was wrote for us by the Man that handles the Transfer Baggage at Bucyrus. He fixed it up while we was waitin" for a Train. I"ve been using it since 1882 and it goes just as strong as ever, but I like to get new Stuff once in a while. So I want you to fake up something that"ll kill "em right in their Seats. Here"s the Scenario: My Wife"s a Society Girl and I"m supposed to be a Dead Swell that"s come to take her to a Masquerade.
With that to work on, all you need to do is to fill in the Talk."
"I have recently prepared a One-Act Play, but I am not sure that it will meet your Requirements," said the Author. "It is called "The Language of Flowers." There are three Characters in the Play--a young Shepherd named Ethelbert, the Lady Gwendolin and a Waiting Maid."
"We couldn"t carry three People," said the Artist. "You"d better use a Dummy instead of the Hired Girl. I do an awful funny Wra.s.sle with a Dummy. Go ahead and slip me the Plot."
"It is an idyllic Thing," said the Author. "Ethelbert is in love with Gwendolin, but he is not certain that his Love is reciprocated. So he sends her the Flowers. The waiting-maid brings them into the Bower where Lady Gwendolin is seated and with them a Scroll of Verses from Ethelbert. The Lady Gwendolin unrolls the Scroll and reads:
""Traced in the Veins of the Petals Are the Lines I fain would speak And breathing low in the perfumed Leaves Is the Name--""
"Hold on," said the Artist. "That"s a Cinch. Have a Stage-Hand come on with the Flowers. Lottie says, "I know who sent these," and so on and so on, and his n.o.bs gets off. Then her alone with the big arm-load of Hollyhawks, that I"m supposed to be sendin" her--savvy? She says, "Well, there"s no three ways about it, I"ve got this Gazabo dead to Rights." She goes on to talk about Me, leading up to her song, "John L. will be our Champion once again." Bing! The Door-Bell rings. Then, me on quick, see? I"ve thought out a Make-Up that"s sure to get a Holler the Minute I come on. I wear a pair of Pants made out of Tin Foil, a Fur Coat with Lace around the Bottom and on my Head I wear a Coal-scuttle with some Sleigh-Bells fastened to it. As I come down Stage I make some crack about just escapin" from a Business College.
When I see the Doll, I go over and slap her on the Back, pull out a Sprinklin" Can and water the Flowers. You"ll have to fix me up a Line to introduce the Sprinkler. As soon as she sees me, she gets stuck, so she hands me one of the Flowers. I say, "Ah, a night-blooming Pazizum"--then I take a Salt-Cellar out of my Vest and shake some Salt on the Flower and eat it. I done that with a Piece called "A Boiled Dinner," and it always went big. When she sees me eat the Flower, that makes her sore, understand? She comes at me with a right-hand Pa.s.s. I fall over a Chair and do a Head Spin. You fix up a strong Line for me just as I go over the Chair. Then--What"s the matter, Cull? Here, Bud, open your Eyes!"
The Author had fallen in a Heap on the Antique Writing Desk. "Hully Chee!" exclaimed the Artist. "He"s Croaked."
MORAL: A Cla.s.sic is never Safe Except in the Church Parlor.
_THE TWO OLD PALS AND THE CALL FOR HELP_
Once there was a Married Man who had two Friends whom he had not given up, even to oblige the Missus. They were two Men whom he had known since Boyhood"s Happy Days away back in Sleepy Hollow. Once in a while the Man would have the Two around to the House for Dinner.
Of these two Friends, one was a Gusher and the other a Grouch.
The Gusher was eternally bubbling over with Compliments and Kind Wishes. Whenever he met an Acquaintance he handed him a rhetorical Yard of Daisies and then smeared him with Sweet Endearments. His talk never had any specific Purport. It was unadulterated Con. The Gusher should have been in the Diplomatic Service. One of his hot Specialties was to get up at Dinner Parties and propose Toasts. He would hot-air the Ladies until they flushed Crimson from the Joy of being hot-aired.
Even if the Speech was known to be cut-and-dried Blarney, it never failed to swell the Adorable Creatures, as he called them.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _The Gusher._]
He had a pump-handle Shake for every Man he met, and after the second Day he called him Old Fellow and inquired as to his Health in a Tone of trembling Solicitude and picked little pieces of Lint off his Coat.
"I know it"s Guff," the Man would say after the Gusher had pa.s.sed on, "but my Stars! He can ladle out that Soothing Syrup and never spill a Drop."
The Grouch, on the other Hand, gave a correct Imitation of a Bear with a Sore Toe. His Conversation was largely made up of Grunts. He carried a Facial Expression that frightened little Children in Street Cars and took all the Starch out of sentimental Young Ladies. He seemed perpetually to carry the Hoof-Marks of a horrible Nightmare. Some said that he had been Blighted in Love and had soured on the Universe.
Others imagined that his Liver was out of Whack. At any rate, he was shy on Sweetness and Light. His Dial suggested a Map of the Bad Lands and he was just out of Kind Words. He could Knock better than he could Boost.
When the Gusher would arise at the Dinner Table to blow Bubbles and distribute Candy, the Grouch would slide down in his Chair until he was resting on his Shoulder Blades. He seemed to have a Calomel Taste in his Mouth as he listened to the musical drip of the Mush-and-Milk.
That kind of Language went with some People, but nix for Sweeney!
The Wife of the Married Man liked the Gusher and tolerated the Grouch.
Every time the Gusher came into the Flat, he held her Hand a little longer than necessary and looked into her Hazel Eyes and told her she was becoming Younger and more Charming every Day. After a Woman turns the 30 Corner, those Speeches are worth a Dollar a Word, because she finds herself Guessing at times. Husband never was jealous. He knew that the Gusher told every Woman the same thing, playing no Favorites.