"Hey, Mom? I love you."
I think I need to tell her that more often.
I love you, too, Andre. Very much. Now, go have fun. Just be smart about it. I want you to make nineteen.
The Party Is up Jumbo Grade. The pavement ends at the first cattle guard, and the Quattro b.u.mps along the packed dirt. Why are you driving so slow?
complains Jenna.
This is a four-wheel drive, isn"t it?
"It"s all-wheel drive, but that doesn"t mean it was built for off-roading. I don"t want to tear it up."
You should get a Hummer. That would be fun. As usual, she has already been drinking. Tequila, tonight.
"Where do you come up with all your alcohol? You can"t just keep taking it from your parents."
She laughs. No, I only take a few sips from theirs. Patrick is a tightwad. He"d definitely miss it.
It"s not that hard to get guys to buy it for me, though.
I wait outside a grocery store and ask.
"Oh." I can picture the scene clearly.
"And what do you offer them in return for helping you out?"
Nothing! Hey, are you jealous? I might flirt, but I wouldn"t follow through. Once they hand it over, I say thanks. That"s it. What do you think I am, anyway?
She unscrews the Cuervo, takes a long pull off the bottle, and I"m tempted to tell her too much. "How much do you drink every day?" I want her to say it"s not every day. She doesn"t. I don"t know.
Enough to relax me, help me sleep. Don"t worry. It"s under control.
Obviously It"s under control enough that she has finished a pint before we even get to the party. By the time we spot the bonfire, up on a little mesa, she is starting to slur.
There it is. Hey. D"you think it"s sh-safe having a fire up here? Well, she"s clear enough to think about that, she"s probably not too drunk. Yet.
"Considering this place was under snow not long ago, I think we"ll be fine. I"ll turn around and park downhill just in case, though."
Some twenty cars are already lined up along the escape route.
I park below them, so it"s a long uphill walk to join the people gathered around the fire. Most have plastic cups in their hands, filled with Budweiser from the keg someone supplied. Heavy smoke, not campfire-scented, hangs in the air. I haven"t smelled weed since we moved here. Plenty of it in Oakland, though I never indulged.
Jenna, big surprise, goes straight for the group pa.s.sing the blunt. Hey, Bobby. Hey, Aubree.
She sucks in a lungful of green-smelling weed. Tries not to cough as she says, Did you hear about Sean?
His lawyer says they have enough evidence for a trial. She offers me the J. I decline, and she pa.s.ses it on to the Bobby person. Yeah, I know. He thought Coach was gonna kick him off the team, but they"re letting him stay, at least until he gets convicted, if he does. You don"t think Cara will actually testify against him?
I have no idea what they"re talking about, and I"m starting to feel like scenery. "Going for beer. Want one?"
Jenna rolls her eyes, meaning, "Duh."
I start through the sage toward the keg. As I go, I hear Bobby say, So that"s the dancer? What do you see in him?
Aren"t all guy dancers, like, gay?
Everyone laughs, and I"m glad I"m gone, though I might like to be a mosquito on Bobby"s arm.
A big mosquito, proboscis jammed deeply into an artery.
Except, wait. That sounds vaguely gay.
Suddenly It Occurs To Me That not only has Jenna talked about me, she considers me a dancer. Have I been labeled? Branded?
I fill two cups, return to the group, hand Jenna her beer.
Don"t think she needs it. Between the dope and the tequila, she is weaving. I put an arm around her shoulders to steady her. "You okay?"
She nods, but doesn"t look so hot. I pull her closer, put my mouth against her ear. "We can leave if you want."
Bobby shoots me with a jealous glare.
So ... dancer. Thanks for loaning me your girl the other night.
"The other night? Wha ..." Before he can clarify, Jenna jerks forward and in one gigantic heave, up comes dinner.
Cara
One Gigantic Heave Of planet, one ma.s.sive yank of gravity, one magmatic tidal wave.
The ground shakes.
A silent pa.s.sing, moon bold in rotation, a shadowy eclipse.
The sun disappears.
Kiss meets kiss, a mist of eloquence, a gathering of storm clouds.
The rain begins to fall.
A lift of hips, upwelling in the belly. A torrent in the V of opened thighs.
The earth moves.
Other People Have always seen me as strong.
That was a lie. A charade. A disguise I wore to keep me safe in public.
The truth is, I"ve always been afraid of letting anyone get too close. I built a wall around me, a barricade to hide behind those few times someone wanted entry to my heart.
Love, I thought, was the biggest fraud of all. Sleight of hand, designed to hold you, cage you, when flight suited you well.
But my wings are unfolding, and I"m learning to fly beyond the barrier of fear. There is freedom in love.
But not if you have to hide it.
Not Much Chance Of that anymore. I even had to come out to my parents. Because of the mess with Sean, there wasn"t much else I could do. Not if I wanted him stopped. Dani and I talked it over, and I saw that she was right when she told me the best way to fight all the ugly gossip was to admit it happened. And that took the power away from Sean. Once I accepted that, I knew the only way to keep him out of my life forever was to file a police report.
To manage that, I had to involve my mom and dad. It took more than one try to break down and do it.
First I had to find a time when they were home, together, and in relatively pa.s.sive moods. Then I had to tether doubt and fear.
The Day The Stars Aligned I found them in Dad"s study, writing a letter. Together. Totally weird.
Dad looked nervous. Mom, focused.
"May I come in? What are you doing?"
We"re composing a letter to Conner, said Dad. He"s supposed to head out on a wilderness challenge. Personally, I doubt it will do much good, but the letter is for when he has almost made it through. Incentive to conquer the mountain, so to speak. Now, what can your mother and I do for you?
I almost lost my nerve. Conquering my own mountain was looking less and less likely. But if I would have blown that chance, I might never have even tried to get a handle on my life, so I reached way down deep into my small stash of courage and said, "This is important, and I can"t keep it to myself anymore." Mom didn"t even glance up from the letter. I plunged ahead anyway. "I"ve struggled for years to come clean about this, first to myself, and now, to you. Mother, could you please look at me?" Had she ever really looked at me? Dad at least pretended like he cared.
Mom finally drew her eyes up level with mine. "I know this is not on your Top Ten Qualities In A Daughter list.
But I am a lesbian." It didn"t sink in for a good long time, and when it did, it only sank so far. Are you saying you"re attracted to women? asked Mom.
I wouldn"t worry too much. Lots of adolescents experiment with same- s.e.x play. That doesn"t make you h.o.m.os.e.xual. But please don"t let it get in the way of a normal relationship.
It Was The "Normal"
That got to me. "For your information, Mother, I am way above "normal,"
which means average. And this is not experimentation. This is love.
I"ve fought the "who" of me for years.
I wanted you to know the truth, but if you"re not mature enough to handle it, I don"t care. This is who I am- Straight-A, top of my cla.s.s, Stanford- bound lesbian. There"s something else I really need to tell you, but if you can"t handle this yet, I"ll wait to bring it up."
Mom just sat there staring with blue diamond eyes. It was Dad who said, Of course we want to know what you need to tell us.
The part about Sean and the pictures wasn"t quite as hard to admit. Guess the worst part was over by then.
"Dani said I should press charges...."
Mom"s eyes grew steadily more severe. I think it best to let it drop.
If this becomes public knowledge, the media will smear it all over the headlines. Our reputation will be ruined. Bad enough we had to deal with all the flak about Conner.
She straightened her blouse, as if it had been wrinkled by the very idea of her children disgracing her name.
The resistance only made my resolution stronger. "Very sorry to shame you, Mother. But he"s stalking me, and it has to stop. To tell you the truth, I"m afraid of him. I don"t know what else to do but file a report."
Dad stepped in. If the boy is stalking you, of course you must go to the authorities. These things can end badly. I have a friend on the force....
He Made A Call His friend agreed my decision was the right one. It was the first time in a long time that I can remember one of my parents supporting me.
Mom went back to composing her letter without another word. Later, she and Dad had a knock-down, drag-out argument. About Conner.
About me. About cops on the doorstep and Mom"s reputation and if safety was an even trade-off for what the neighbors might think. About s.e.xual orientation.
What it means to me. Whether I am.
How I could know. Who the h.e.l.l is this Dani? What my coming out will mean to them. To coworkers. The bridge club.
When things quieted, Mom took two Valium and went to bed, while Dad hit the scotch and watched TV. And because that letter was stuck in my head, I sneaked into Dad"s study and found it, finished, on his desk. What struck me first was Mom"s perfect cursive and how she cut right to the chase: Conner: Hope all is going well for you, and that your time in the outback has kept you fit. You must excel at your football tryouts. They expect you to fail. I"m sure, however, you"ll prove them very wrong.
One small detail, which I"ll mention here: You have some makeup work to do to keep you on track for your graduation. If you pursue it diligently this summer, you won"t have to play catch-up in the fall. By the way, your father and I have sent applications to all the colleges on our list.
All you have to do is maintain your GPA and, of course, score well on your entrance exams.
Not really much more to say except to let you know Cara has already been accepted at Stanford. You can do as well.
After all, you"re her twin. Mom.
No Pressure There, Mom None at all. Why can"t she just be glad he survived and let him live the rest of his life on his own terms?
Can"t she see how much he wants her approval? That 4.0 GPA never did come easily to Conner. Sports, yes. Schoolwork, no. But G.o.d forbid he excel at one and not the other. Mom still expects him to start college on time and keep scoring touchdowns, too? Perfection carries a steep price tag, at least it has for Conner. I hope he finds his way out sooner rather than later. I"m thrilled I"ve found mine, even if it has its own consequences to worry about.
I"m struggling to take ownership of this new person I call me. But every day brings me closer. And I"m glad I got to know her at all.
Who Knows Who I"d Be If I hadn"t met Dani. Probably still a Conner clone-striving too hard to please someone who can"t be satisfied. I"m blown away by how fate intervened when it did.
Makes me wonder what else I have to look forward to, once I"m out from under my parents" control.
My cell buzzes. Incoming text from Private Number. Who could that be?
Little teeth of suspicion gnaw at my stomach. He wouldn"t dare.
It"s not from him. At least, I don"t think so. PLEASE STOP MESSING UP SEAN"S LIFE. GRADUATION IS ONLY A MONTH AWAY. THEN HE"S ALL SET FOR STANFORD. DROP CHARGES AND.