"Ask, beloved. I can deny you nothing, not even the loss of my overwhelming love."
"I-" She shook her head. "I think I want to explore this further before deciding. Could there be a trial period?"
"Hannah!" Gwenny said, aghast. "You"re not thinking of keeping him like this? Of-of-"
Hannah blushed, which must have been a considerable effort for her. "I think I want to try it, just in case."
"But he"s a robot!"
"He"s a barbarian male machine. Those are rare."
"Pewter understands your preference," Tristan said. "Roland, come with me a moment."
Roland hesitated. "Go with the troll," Hannah said.
"Kiss me first, adorable."
"Kiss me first, addlebrain," the parody mimicked.
She planted a savage kiss on his face-plate.
"Now I go," he said. "If it be the first and only kiss I have of you, it nevertheless fulfills my fondest desire." He let her go and followed Tristan to another section of the cave.
"You can"t be serious," Gwenny said.
"A male troll can be decent, a male goblin can be polite," Hannah said. "Why can"t a robot be a manly barbarian?"
"Because he"s not alive!"
"Yet you saved him from extinction, and made a deal to get him a better program. Did you do all that for a dead thing?"
That set Gwenny back a bit. "But I didn"t consider him as a lover."
"What about as a friend? Didn"t you trust him, and he helped you contact Goody?"
Gwenny considered. "Yes. I suppose you"re right. Give him a chance."
Tristan and Roland returned. Now the robot had a roughly human face, complete with lips, and a subtly revised midsection. "Not all the changes show," Tristan said.
"You didn"t change my program," Roland said.
"Too bad, rust bucket!" the peeve said.
Hannah was taken aback. "You thought that was what I wanted?"
"Barbarian subterfuge. But if it was your desire, I had to let it happen."
"That"s not the way of trust," Gwenny said. "She wouldn"t do something like that sneakily."
"Some people would."
"Some civilized civilized people," Hannah said. "They lack barbarian honor." people," Hannah said. "They lack barbarian honor."
"True. But most of those here are civilized."
"You have a healthy distrust of civilization," Hannah said. "I like that." She embraced him and kissed his new metal lips.
It looked to be some kiss. Roland"s limbs quivered and his iron color shifted to a shade of gray. "Oh, you gorgeous mistress!" he said shakily.
"Gorgeous what?" Goody asked.
"Never mind!" Hannah snapped. "Let"s go somewhere we can explore this."
Gwenny murmured something to the troll, who nodded. "Pewter has a pa.s.s for the honey side of the moon for three," Tristan said. "You may use it now."
"For three?" Hannah asked.
"For you and Roland, and a chaperon."
"A chaperon! What do you think we"re going to do there?"
"That"s why you need one," Gwenny said with three-fifths of a smile. "Goody can do it; I have business back at Goblin Mountain."
"But I don"t-" Goody started.
Gwenny caught up to him at that point and kissed him. "Just do it, dear."
Dear? The word stunned him almost like a panty flash. By the time he recovered, he was outside the cave with Roland and Hannah. "You had to be the one," she said. "Because I can"t guard you unless we"re together."
"Why is Pewter being so nice? That isn"t like him."
"Gwenny made some kind of deal for the electronic rights to the soul program. Pewter can use them. It seems there may be a huge market in Mundania."
"Machines with souls," Goody said, seeing it. "Machines that always do the right thing."
"That would really help with their Outernet."
The three demons appeared. "Take us to the honey side of the moon," Goody said.
"You"re marrying the Neanderthal?" Metria asked, surprised.
"Marrying the what?"
"Barbarian!" Hannah said. "No, he"s not. I"m going with Roland."
Dara eyed him. "This is the robot we brought here?"
"We upgraded him."
"I"ll take him," Vore said.
The demons closed about them, and two pats and a squeeze later they stood on the lovely honey side of the moon. The side facing Xanth and Mundania, of course, had long since had its milk curdled to moldy cheese by the sights it witnessed. This was the unspoiled side, a land of milk and honey, conducive to romance.
Hannah took Roland"s hand and led him along a gently curving path between moon flowers. "Tell me more of what you think of me," she said.
"You are the most graceful of all women, wonderful in ways I wish I could imagine. I would like nothing better than to bask eternally in the joy of your favor."
"Sickening," the peeve said.
"That"s an interesting revision of the program," Vore said.
"Not to mention the enhancement of physique," Dara agreed admiringly. "Buns of steel. What happened?"
"Hannah sneezed on the reprogrammed chip. That gave it a virus. It seems the virus made Roland a barbarian, and in love with her."
"That"s so romantic," Dara said.
"So now she wants to screw with that nut," the parody said.
"Do what with what?" Metria asked.
"I think I"m supposed to prevent that," Goody said uncomfortably. "They"re just supposed to get to know each other, while she decides whether to have his program cleared of the virus." He followed the couple.
Hannah glanced back at him. "Can"t you give us a little more room? Three is a-" She paused, an odd look crossing her features and disappearing into her body. "Morgan le Fay?"
Oops. That was the Mundane sorceress Goody had balked in the dream realm, when she tried to take over Helen of Troy"s body.
"I know that name," Dara said. "She"s a mischief maker from way back. She takes over the bodies of attractive women."
"I thought that was the Sea Hag," Vore said.
"Morgan"s less destructive. She can"t force them, exactly. She simply instills a strong desire to do what she wants them to do, and they think it"s their own. After a time her wishes become theirs. She"s strong on the physical pleasures, not the moral ones. She"s been confined to one of the tiered Moons of Ida and wants to find a host in Xanth proper."
"Odd that she should appear just when we are here," Vore said.
"Why should I want to get back at Goody Goblin?" Hannah asked, evidently speaking to someone unseen.
"Because I messed Morgan up," Goody said. "She must have learned my ident.i.ty."
"She thinks Hannah"s your girlfriend!" Dara said. "So she"s infesting her."
"The word is investing investing," Hannah"s voice said.
"Like a virus," Goody agreed.
"No coincidence at all," Vore said. "This is after all where lovers come."
"We"ve got to stop this," Goody said. "But I don"t know how."
"Idiot!" the parody said. "Play it through."
Goody focused, and the bird"s meaning clarified. "Roland!" he said. "Hannah has a visitor inside her head, like a new program. The visitor doesn"t believe you are romantic. You"re her boyfriend. Show her visitor what barbarians are made of. Make love to her."
"With your iron p.r.o.ng," the parody added encouragingly.
The robot required no further urging. "Beloved! Be mine!" He embraced Hannah, kissing her avidly. His reworked lips seemed to work just fine.
"What"s this?" Hannah"s voice screeched, sounding like someone else, possibly a harpy. "Unhand me, brute!"
"Ignore her maidenly protestations," Goody called. "She wants to be mastered barbarian style."
"Outrageous!" Hannah"s voice exclaimed as Hannah"s body struggled with the iron grip of the robot. "Get your face-plate out of my face, you ludicrous contraption!" But she wasn"t having much success in persuading him.
"Morgan!" Goody said. "Hannah is Roland"s girlfriend, not mine. You are doomed to perpetual mechanical love."
"The bleep I am!"
Something changed. Roland paused. "Hannah?"
"She"s gone," Hannah said. "What a witch!"
"You don"t want to be mastered?" He sounded disappointed.
Hannah considered. "Goody, go back to the cave and tell Pewter the present program is all right. We"ll stay here for a while or two."
"But-"
"We no longer need a chaperon," she said firmly.
"Take a hint, simpleton!" the parody said.
Oh. And they were in the place of romance.
Metria enclosed him and transported him back to the cave. Naturally she squeezed him in especially awkward places. "Ain"t love grand," she murmured. "May he never soften."
Almost, he asked for a clarification of the term, but caught himself in time.
Chapter 19: Peeve.
It was sheer delight waking up in a full goblin bed with Gwenny beside him. "This goes beyond niceness," he said. "I know you made a deal with Com Pewter, but Roland and Hannah"s visit to the honeymoon took care of that. Why did he provide us this wonderful private room?"
"He needs Roland"s agreement too, so has to wait until they return."