"As a burglar!" exclaimed Gubb.
"That"s it!" said Snooks. "I can"t see head or tail of it. You got to help me out, Gubb. See if you can make any sense of this:--
"Last night I went out for a walk with Nan. She"s my girl, you know, and she"s going to marry me. Maybe she won"t now, but she was going to. She works for Mullen. We got back to Mullen"s house about eleven o"clock, and Mrs. Mullen always locks the door at half-past ten, whether Nan is in or not. So, being late, we had to ring the doorbell, and Mr. Mullen came to the door to let Nan in, and when he saw I was with her he shook hands with me and asked me to come in and have a cigar, and sit awhile, but I told him I had to hustle up some news for to-day"s paper, and he let me go. That"s how pleasant he was. So I went downtown, and the first fellow I met was Sammy Wilmerton."
"Widow Wilmerton"s boy?" asked Philo Gubb.
"Exactly!" said Snooks, feeling his eye with his finger. "And he says, "Snooks, did you hear what the Ladies" Temperance League did last night?" I hadn"t heard. "I heard ma say," says Sammy, "but don"t say I told you. They got up a pet.i.tion to have City Attorney Mullen impeached by the City Council."
"Well, that was news! I went into the "Eagle" office and called up Mullen.
""h.e.l.lo! Is that Attorney Mullen?" I says.
""Yes," he says.
""Well, something happened last night," I says, "and I"d like to see you about it."
""How do you know what happened?" he says.
""No matter," I says; "can I come up?"
"After a half a minute he says, "Oh, yes! Come up. Come right away.
I"ll be waiting for you."
"So I went."
"Nothing strange about that," said Philo Gubb, shifting himself on the ladder.
"So I went," continued Snooks. "I rang the doorbell and, the moment it rang, the door flew open and--_bliff!_--down came a bed-blanket over me and somebody grabbed me in his arms and lugged me into the house. I guess it was Attorney Mullen--you know how big and husky he is. But I couldn"t see him. I couldn"t see anything. Only, every two seconds, b.u.mp! he hit at my head through the blanket. That"s how I got this eye. And, all the time, he was talking to me, mad as a hatter, and I couldn"t hear a word he said. But I could hear his wife screaming at the top of the stairs, and I could hear Nan screaming, and I heard a window go up.
""Stop that yelling!" says Mullen, in a voice I _could_ hear, and then he picked me up again and carried me to the back door, and opened it and threw me all the way down the eight steps. I chucked off the blanket, and I was going up the steps again, to show him he couldn"t treat me that way, when--_bing!_--somebody next door took a shot at me with a revolver. Thought I was a burglar, I guess. I started to run for the back gate, when--_bing!_--somebody shot at me from the other house. What do you think of that? For a few minutes it sounded like the battle of San Juan, and I can"t understand yet why I didn"t suffer an awful loss of life."
"But you didn"t?" asked Philo Gubb.
"No, siree! I made a dive for the cellar door, just as they got the range. I stayed in the cellarway, with the bullets pattering on it like hail, until the cop came. Tim Fogarty was the cop. He ordered "Cease firing!" and the shower stopped, and I let him capture me. He took me to the calaboose, and this morning, early, he had me before the judge, and I"m held for the grand jury, and the charge is burglary and pet.i.t larceny. Now what is the answer?"
"Being pulled into a house and thrown out the other door isn"t burglary," said Philo Gubb. "Burglary is breaking in or breaking out.
Maybe Attorney Mullen mistook you for some one else."
"Mistook nothing!" said Snooks. "He was in the court-room this morning. He handled the case against me. Who is that?"
Some one was climbing the back steps, and Snooks made one dive for the cellar door, and slipped inside. He knew how to get out through the cellar, for he was familiar with it. He did not wait now, but opened the outside cellar door, and after looking to see that the way was clear, hurried back to the jail.
Philo Gubb did not have time to descend from his ladder before the kitchen door opened. The visitor was Policeman Fogarty.
"Mawrnin"!" he said, removing his hat and wiping the sweat-band with his red handkerchief. "Don"t ye get down, Misther Gubb, sor. I want but a wurrd with ye. I seen Snooksy Tur-rner here but a sicond ago, me lookin" in at the windy, an" you an" him conversin". Mayhap he was speakin" t" ye iv his arrist?"
"He was conversing with me of that occurrence," said Philo Gubb. "He was consulting me in my professional capacity."
"An" a fine young lad he is!" said Policeman Fogarty, reaching into his pocket. "I got th" divvil for arristin" him. "Twas that dark, ye see, Misther Gubb, I cud not see who I was arristin". Maybe he was consultin" ye about gettin" clear iv th" charge ag"inst him?"
"He retained my deteckative services," said Philo Gubb.
"Poor young man!" said Fogarty. "I"ll warrant he has none too much money. Me hear-rt bleeds for him. Ye"ll have no ind iv trailin" an"
shadowin" an" other detective wurrk to do awn th" case, no doubt. "Tis ixpinsive wurrk, that! I was thinkin" maybe ye"d permit me t"
contribute a five-dollar bill t" th" wurrk, for I"m that sad t" have had a hand in arristin" him."
Fogarty held up the bill and Philo Gubb took it.
"Contingent expenses are always numerously present in deteckative operations," he said.
"Right ye ar-re!" said Fogarty. "An" ye"ll remimber, if anny wan asks ye, that I ixprissed me contrition for arristin" Snooksy. Whist!" he said, putting his hand alongside his mouth and whispering: "Some wan wanted me t" search th" house here t" see did Snooksy have sivin bottles iv beer an" a silver beer-opener in his room."
Philo Gubb sat on the ladder and contemplated the five-dollar bill until he heard Fogarty returning.
"Hist!" Fogarty said. "I did not see him, mind ye!"
Fogarty slipped out of the back door and was gone, and Philo Gubb, after a thoughtful moment, decided that the five-dollar bill was rightfully his, and slipped it into his pocket. To earn it, however, he must get to work on the case. He raised the pasted strip of paper, but before he could place the loose end on the ceiling, some one tapped at the kitchen door.
"Come in!" he called, and the door opened.
"Slippery" Williams glided into the room. His crafty eyes sought Philo Gubb.
""Lo, Gubby! Watcha doin" up there? Where"s Miss Turner?" he asked.
"Miss Turner is out on business, I presume," said the Correspondence School detective coldly, "and I am pursuing my professional duties in the deteckating line."
"Yar, hey?" said Slippery. "Who you detectin" for now?"
"Snooks Turner," said Philo Gubb. "I"m solving a case for him."
Instantly Slippery"s manner changed. From rough he became smooth. From bold he became cringing.
"Why, I"m Snooksy"s friend," he said. "You know me and Snooksy was always chums, don"t you, Gubby? Yes, sir, I think a lot of Snooksy. He says, "Slippery, you go up to my room and get me a bundle of clean clothes--these are all torn and dirty, and--" Well, I guess I"ll get "em, and get back. Snooks is waitin" for me."
He turned to the hall, but Philo Gubb called him back.
"You can"t go up there," said Philo Gubb, from his ladder-top.
"There"s been enough folks up there already."
"Who was up?" asked Slippery hastily.
"Policeman Fogarty was," said Philo Gubb.
"What"d he find up there?" asked Slippery anxiously.
"Nothin"," said Philo Gubb. "He told me he couldn"t find seven bottles of beer and a beer-opener."
"Look here!" said Slippery sweetly. "If I gave you five dollars to hire you to hunt for them, could you find them seven bottles of beer and that beer-opener, for me? Straight detective work? Could you?"