He nods. "Yes."
"And then that ownership means I have responsibility for it?"
"Yes."
"What if I sell it?" I ask.
Hatchet cuts in. "Mr. Carpenter, do you remember my use of the word "brief"?"
I nod. "I do, Your Honor. I committed it to memory. I"m almost finished here."
He lets me continue, so I repeat the question for Billick. "And if I sell the dog? Who owns it then?"
He seems confused. "Well, the person you sell it to."
I walk over to the defense table, and Kevin hands me two pieces of paper. I then bring them over to the bench. "Your Honor, I would like to submit these two doc.u.ments as defense exhibits one and two."
"What is their substance?" Hatchet asks.
"Number one is a bill of sale, confirming that Warren Shaheen sold me the dog referred to as "Yogi" yesterday afternoon for the sum of fifty dollars. Number two is my declaration of ownership and my intention to take full responsibility for Yogi as his sole owner."
"So you are now the dog"s owner?" Hatchet asks.
"Yes, Your Honor. Under the terms of ownership as Mr. Billick has just defined them."
Hatchet thinks for a moment, then turns to Billick. "Give the man his dog."
"Yes, Your Honor." Billick says, smiling himself as the gallery breaks out in applause.
We"ve won, but I can"t help myself. "Your Honor, a dog"s honor was besmirched here. I would like to call a trainer to the witness stand, to testify that Yogi is a sweet and loving dog."
"Mr. Carpenter...," Hatchet says. He usually doesn"t have to say any more, but I"m having fun with this, so I continue.
"Your Honor, Yogi now has his freedom, but where does he go to get back his reputation?"
"Perhaps it would help if I held his lawyer in contempt," Hatchet says. I"m not sure, but I actually may see a twinkle in his eye.
"Have a lovely day, Your Honor."
With that, he slams down his gavel. "This hearing is concluded."
IT HAS TAKEN a while, but I finally understand the joy of s.e.x, and I am now prepared to reveal it to the world. a while, but I finally understand the joy of s.e.x, and I am now prepared to reveal it to the world.
The purest joy of s.e.x comes from not having to think about it.
About a year ago the person who filled the double role of private investigator and undisputed love of my life, Laurie Collins, left to become the chief of police of Findlay, Wisconsin, her hometown.
We had no contact whatsoever for the next four and a half months, as I tried to convince myself that I hated her. It worked until she called me and asked me to come to Wisconsin to take on a case of a young man accused of a double homicide but whom she considered innocent.
I spent four months in the frozen tundra, won the case, ate a lot of bratwurst, and reconnected with Laurie. When it was time to leave, neither of us could bear the prospect of splitting up again, so we agreed to maintain a long- distance relationship, seeing each other whenever either of us could get away. It"s worked fairly well; since then I"ve gone to Wisconsin three times, and she"s come to Paterson once.
The point of all this is that I no longer have to think about s.e.x or wonder if and when I"m going to have it. When I see Laurie, I"m going to, and when we"re apart, I"m not. It"s incredibly freeing, and pretty much the first time since high school that I"ve spent no time at all wondering whether s.e.x was imminent or possible.
There are other, side benefits as well. For instance, I save gallons of water by cutting back on showers. I always want to be clean, but I don"t have to be "naked in bed with someone" clean, when there"s no chance that"s going to happen. I don"t have to wash the sheets as often; my mouthwash frequency is cut by at least 30 percent... The positives go on and on.
I haven"t talked to Laurie since the Yogi thing began. We usually try to speak every night, but she"s at a police convention in Chicago, and I"ve been pretty busy, so we"ve traded phone messages. I"m not the most sociable guy in the world, and most of the time when I call people I hope their machine answers. This is not the case with Laurie.
The phone is ringing as I walk in after returning from court, and when I pick up I hear her voice. It"s amazing how comforting, how welcoming, how knowing one voice can be. Think Patsy Cline with a New Jersey accent.
I admit it. I may be a little over the top about Laurie.
"Congratulations," she says. "I just missed a panel on the use of Taser guns watching you on television."
"I"m sure it was stunning," I say.
"You were great. I was proud of you."
"I meant the Taser gun panel must have been stunning. It was a Taser gun joke."
"Now I"m a little less proud. What are you going to do with Yogi?" she asks.
"Find him a good home. He can stay here until I do, although I haven"t quite discussed it with Tara yet."
"You think she"ll mind?"
"I think I"ll have to give her an entire box of biscuits as a payoff, but she"ll be okay with it."
"When do you get him?" she asks.
"I"m supposed to be back at the shelter at three o"clock."
"Seriously, Andy, I thought what you did was great."
I shrug off the compliment, and we talk about when we are going to see each other. She has two weeks vacation owed to her, and she"s coming in at the end of the month. It"ll mean showering more, but it"s a small price to pay.
After speaking to Laurie, I do a couple of radio interviews about our victory in court and then head to the shelter to secure my client"s freedom. There is a large media contingent staking out the place, and it takes me ten minutes to get inside.
Fred is waiting for me, a big smile on his face. There aren"t too many happy stories in his job, and he"s obviously relishing this one. "I gave him a bath," Fred says. "Wait till you see how great he looks."
We go back to the quarantine section, and he gives me the honor of taking Yogi out of the cage. Yogi does, in fact, look great, freshly scrubbed and wagging his tail at the prospect of imminent freedom.
Yogi and I leave, having once again to go through the media throng to get to the car. I"ve said all I have to say, and Yogi doesn"t even bother barking a "no comment." We both just want to get the h.e.l.l out of here.
When we get home I lead Yogi directly into the backyard. I then go into the house and bring Tara back there as well, feeling that somehow the meeting will go better outside. It goes amazingly well; Tara doesn"t seem to show any jealousy at all. My guess is, I"ll hear about it later when we"re alone, but right now she"s the gracious hostess.
I grab a pair of leashes, planning to take them for a walk in Eastside Park, which is about five blocks from my house. We"re halfway down the block, walking at a leisurely pace, when I hear a voice.
"Reggie!"
Suddenly, instead of holding two leashes, I"m only holding one, Tara"s. Yogi has taken off like a track star exploding out of the blocks, surprising me and breaking out of my grip on his leash.
I panic for a moment, fearful that he will run into the street and get hit by a car. I turn to see that he is still on the sidewalk, running in the other direction toward a young woman, perhaps in her early twenties. The woman is down on one knee, waiting for Yogi to arrive. She doesn"t have to wait long; for a middle aged dog, Yogi can really motor.
Yogi takes off about five feet from her, flying and landing on her. She rolls back, laughing, with him on top of her. They roll and hug for about fifteen seconds; I"m not sure I"ve ever seen a happier human or dog.
Tara and I walk back to them; Tara seems as surprised by this turn of events as I am. As we reach them, the woman is struggling to get to her feet, no easy job since Yogi is still draped all over her.
"I have a hunch you two know each other," I say, displaying my gift for understatement.
She is giggling and, apparently, incredibly excited. "We sure do. We sure do. G.o.d, do we ever!"
"I"m Andy Carpenter," I say.
She nods again. "I know. I saw you and Reggie on television," she gushes. "I followed you here from the shelter. I"m Karen Evans."
"His real name is Reggie?" I ask.
"Yup. He was my brother"s dog. My brother is Richard Evans."
She says the name as if it"s supposed to mean something to me. "How can you be sure it"s him?" I ask, though from Yogi"s-or Reggie"s-reaction I have little doubt that she"s telling the truth.
"The cut marks. My brother rescued him from a shelter when he was a year old. He had the marks then, and the vet had said that his previous owner had wired his jaw shut, maybe to stop him from barking. Is that the most awful thing you"ve ever heard?"
"How would the vet know that?" I ask.
"If you look, you"ll see that there are faint cut marks under his mouth as well. It"s from the wire being wrapped around."
I hadn"t noticed that, but I look under his mouth, and sure enough, there they are. If there was any doubt she was telling the truth, that doubt has now been eliminated.
The Golden Retriever Formerly Known as Yogi starts tapping Karen with his paw, in an effort to get her to resume petting him. She starts laughing again and obliges. "Mr. Carpenter-"
"Andy."
"Andy, do you realize how unbelievably amazing this is?"
"It really is," I say, though that seems to be a little strong. She seems like the type who finds a lot of things to be unbelievably amazing.
"It"s a miracle," she proclaims.
"Hmmm," I say cleverly, not quite wanting to sign on to the "miracle" description.
She looks at me strangely. "You don"t know what"s going on, do you?" she asks as she realizes that, in fact, I don"t know what"s going on.
"Maybe not," I say.
"My brother is Richard Evans. This is his dog."
"I understand that," I say.
"Mr. Carpenter... Andy... the State of New Jersey says that this dog has been dead for five years."
ONCE WE"RE IN my house, Karen reminds me why I should remember Richard Evans. my house, Karen reminds me why I should remember Richard Evans.
He was a U.S. Customs inspector, working at the Port of Newark, who kept his own small private boat at a pier near there. One evening more than five and a half years ago he went out on that boat off the Jersey coast with his fiancee, Stacy Harriman, and his dog, Reggie.
At about nine o"clock a significant storm was coming in, and word went out to the private boats in the area to get to sh.o.r.e. All of them did except for Richard"s, which was off the coast near Asbury Park, and the Coast Guard sent out a cutter to escort it in.
When the Coast Guard arrived, no one on the boat responded to their calls, and they decided to board it. They found Richard alone and unconscious on the floor of the deck below, an empty bottle of sleeping pills nearby. There was no sign of a suicide note, and the coastguardsmen had no way to know that anyone else had been on board.
Richard spent three days in a coma while the police investigated the circ.u.mstances. Long before he regained consciousness, they were aware that Stacy and the dog had been on the boat when it sailed, and they had found traces of blood on the floor and railing of the boat. He was immediately arrested and taken into custody.
Three weeks later a woman"s decomposed body washed ash.o.r.e, soon identified by DNA as that of Stacy Harriman. Richard was tried for the murder. The scenario the prosecution posed was a murder-suicide, and there was no way for the defense to counter it effectively. The case was not a huge media event, but as a local defense attorney I had some awareness of it.
The dog"s body was never found.
"This is the dog," Karen says. "Reggie. You saw how he reacted to me. There"s no doubt about it."
"It certainly seems like it," I agree.
"So will you help me?" she asks.
"How?"
"Get my brother out of prison. You"re a lawyer, right? Isn"t that what you do?"
Even though I am Andy Carpenter, crack defense attorney, I can"t see how she can go from Reggie"s survival to her brother"s innocence. "How would you suggest I do that?" I ask.
"Look, you don"t know Richard. There"s no way he could have hurt anybody."
"The people to convince of that would have been the members of the jury."
"But if Reggie is alive, then he wasn"t thrown overboard. Then neither was Stacy."
"But they found her body. And her blood on the railing." It gives me no pleasure to point this out, but it does seem time for a reality check.
It doesn"t seem to faze her. "I know. But Richard didn"t kill her. Just like he didn"t kill Reggie. If the jury was wrong about one thing, why couldn"t they be wrong about another?"
"Karen, goldens are great swimmers. Isn"t it possible that he swam back to sh.o.r.e?"
She shakes her head. "No, they were too far out. And there was a big storm; that"s why the Coast Guard was out there."
She can see I"m not at all convinced, so she presses her case. "Andy, Richard loved this dog more than anything in the world." She points to Tara. "You love her, right? Could you throw her overboard to drown?"
Clarence Darrow never gave a better closing argument than Karen just did. "I"ll look into it. But your hopes are way too high."