And then Karim said something that took the wind out of his sails completely.
"Guess what we did today?"
"Aired your flat after a month away in Harrat Salma?" Luke guessed.
"Nope." Karim fished his wallet out of his pocket and drew something out of it. "Look."
It was a photograph. Most of it was black, but there was a triangular-shaped swathe showing the outline of a baby"s head and curled-up body.
"It"s the twenty-week scan of your honorary nephew-to-be," Karim announced, beaming.
Luke couldn"t help himself.
He flinched.
His best friend noticed immediately. "Right. We"re not playing squash. And I don"t care if the court"s booked or not. I think you need to talk."
"I..." His protest died. "Not here." Not here, where they might be overheard.
Karim"s eyes narrowed. "When did you last eat?"
"Breakfast. I think." Luke couldn"t recall. And he didn"t really care.
"Right." Karim shepherded him out of the health club and into the small pizzeria round the corner. Being a Monday night, it was quiet and they managed to find a table right out of the way. Karim ordered for them both and kept the conversation light until they"d finished the pizza and were both drinking coffee. "Now, talk," he said.
"Can I ask you a weird question?"
Karim frowned but nodded. "Sure."
"When Lily told you she was pregnant...how did you feel?" Luke asked.
Karim"s eyes widened. "Are you saying...?"
"Don"t answer a question with a question. I really need to know." To know he wasn"t the only one who felt that way, to know he wasn"t going crazy. "What was your first reaction-your very first reaction?"
"Shock, I suppose. Because we hadn"t really been trying-and, to be honest, I"d wanted a bit more time with her just as a couple. But then it sank in." Karim smiled. "There"s going to be someone else in this world like Lily-someone else I know I"m going to love from his very first second in this world."
"So you were pleased?"
"And proud. And, I suppose, a bit scared. I haven"t exactly spent a lot of time around babies. How will I know if I"m a good enough father?"
His best friend had the same doubts? But that was crazy. Karim would make a fabulous father. "You"ll be great. You"ve got the example of your own father," Luke reminded him.
Karim looked thoughtful. "So is Sara pregnant?"
Luke sighed heavily. "Yes. And I reacted badly when she told me."
"Ouch."
Luke stared bleakly at his best friend. "The way you said you felt-that"s how I felt, too. Shocked. And scared."
"And pleased?"
Luke shook his head. "Right now, I still can"t get past the fear."
Karim paused. "You"ve never told me the whole story, and I"m not going to pry. But the fact you were strong enough to walk away from your family...that tells me you"re going to be strong enough to be a good father. That you"ll be the father to your child that you never had yourself."
"That very much depends," Luke said dryly, "on whether I get the chance to do that."
"Sara"s not speaking to you?"
"No. Her mobile"s permanently switched off and she won"t answer my calls. And, for the first time in my life, I honestly don"t know how to fix this."
Karim patted his shoulder. "The only thing you can do is be yourself. Tell her how you really feel. Open up to her."
Luke shook his head. "I don"t do open."
"Neither did I-until Lily," Karim replied. "If Sara"s the one, you"ll know. Because it"ll be much harder being without her than with her."
"Without her, it feels as if the world"s turned grey," Luke admitted. "Nothing fits any more."
"Then she"s the one," Karim said. "Talk to her. What"s the worst that can happen?"
"She turns me down." Luke gave a mirthless laugh. "Well, she"s already done that. I told her I"d do the right thing and marry her."
"Because of the baby?"
"Yes."
Karim sucked in a breath. "Ouch. If I"d done that to Lily, she would"ve walked out on me. Sara needs to know that you want her-"
"-for herself," Luke finished. "Yeah. I just worked that out. I have a lot of humble pie to eat." He drained his coffee. "Thanks for the advice."
"Let me know how it goes."
"Yeah." Luke wasn"t even sure that Sara was going to talk to him. But he was prepared to do whatever it took to turn things around and make a real future with Sara and their baby.
But first he had to talk to her.
And he had to convince her that he was telling the truth.
Luke knew that if he turned up with a ring or a huge bouquet, Sara would reject them-and him. He needed to make her see that he meant it, that he really did want to be a family with her. Which meant giving her something that money couldn"t buy.
On his way back to his flat, he walked past a mother-and-baby shop. In the middle of the window display was a baby book, its pages open; he glanced at it and realised it was meant to act as a book of memories.
That was when the idea hit him.
He"d give Sara proof that he loved her. Straight from the heart. And not with artificial headings created by someone else. It would be all in his own words.
The shop was closed, but he knew a place that stayed open late. A place where, with any luck, he"d find what he wanted.
To his relief, he found the perfect notebook. One with handmade pages, marbled edges and a teal suede cover. And, back in his flat, he sat at the table overlooking the Thames and began to write.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN.
THE next morning at the crack of dawn, he walked up the stairs to Sara"s flat. Rang the buzzer.
The intercom crackled. "Yes?"
He recognised the voice instantly. "Justin, it"s Luke. I need to see Sara."
"She doesn"t need to see you."
"Yes, she does."
"If you hurt my sister you have me to deal with," Justin warned.
Luke sighed. "I"m not going to hurt Sara. I know I"ve screwed up-I"m here to fix it and make things right." He took a gamble. "I a.s.sume you know about the baby?"
"Yes."
"And you know I asked her to marry me."
"That"s not quite how she sees it."
"I screwed that up, too," Luke admitted. "There are a lot of things I need to say to her. A lot of things she needs to hear."
"Only," Justin said, "if she wants to see you."
"I"m not leaving until she sees me. If I have to, I"ll camp on your doorstep," Luke said.
"Ever heard of injunctions to stop stalkers?" Justin retorted.
"I"m not a stalker. I"m just an ordinary man who"s made a mess of the most important thing that"s ever happened to him. And I need a chance to put it right."
"All right. Come up. But if she says no, you leave immediately," Justin warned.
"Agreed. Thanks, Justin."
Sara"s brother didn"t reply, but buzzed him up and met him outside the door. "She"s agreed to see you. So I"m giving you both s.p.a.ce-but Sara has my number on speed dial."
"She won"t need it," Luke promised.
"You look like h.e.l.l," Justin said, surprising him.
"I feel it," Luke admitted. "But it"s no more than I deserve."
He waited until Justin had left, then knocked on the door.
Sara opened it. She looked as bad as he felt; there were dark shadows under her eyes, her skin was pale and she looked as if she hadn"t slept properly.
That made two of them. Except he"d been spared the morning sickness.
"Hi," he said softly. "Can I come in?"
She nodded and stepped aside.
"Thank you." He dragged in a breath. "I"m here to apologise-to tell you things I know I should"ve told you ages ago but..." He closed his eyes briefly. "I don"t find it easy to open up. But I know that"s what it"ll take to even start fixing things between us. And I"m prepared to do whatever it takes to make everything right again."
"You"d better come through," she said. "Do you want something to drink?"
"No, thanks. Just to talk to you." He followed her through to the living room; he wasn"t surprised when she picked the chair, leaving him the sofa. He smiled wryly as he sat down. He had a long way to go. The only thing he could do was tell her the truth. Be honest. "Nothing"s seemed right since you left. Everything feels slightly out of shape, as if it doesn"t fit. And it"s made me realise that..." He dragged in a breath. "I really hate having to admit this, but I need you."
She said nothing, but he saw her eyes fill with tears.
"And I need to tell you something. About me. You once asked me if I was part of a family business. Well, my family has a business. In the East End."
She frowned. "There"s nothing wrong with the East End."
"Most of it, I agree." How could he explain? "My family-they"re what"s known as...well, criminals." Might as well tell her all of it. "My dad"s a thief, my grandad"s a fraudster, my uncle"s a fence. There"s getaway drivers and muscle in the family, too. The kind of genes I didn"t want to pa.s.s on."
She went very still. "So you"re saying you want me to have a termination?"
"No. I said "didn"t", not "don"t". I"m trying to explain to you why I didn"t want children. Remember I told you that my maths teacher spotted that I"d be good at economics?"
"Ye-es."
"He told me at the police station-after I"d been arrested for shoplifting. He gave the police an a.s.surance about me, and then started talking to me. He said I had a brain and, right then, I was wasting it. That if I carried on the way I was going, I"d end up so deep I"d never get out. That I could have a better life if I stayed on the right side of the law and used my natural talents."
"So you took his advice?"
"I thought about it. Long and hard. And, yeah, I knew what he said made sense. It didn"t go down well with the family, and it left me in a really awkward place. If I knew they were planning something and didn"t try to stop them, that made me as bad as they were. An accomplice. But if I gra.s.sed them up to the police..."
"You were going against your own?" she guessed.
"Betraying my family." He nodded. "And that felt bad, too. For a while, I took the coward"s way out and told them I"d keep quiet as long as I didn"t know what they were doing."
"The coward"s way?"
"Because I should"ve shopped them."
She frowned. "Luke, how old were you when this happened?"