Jade shrugged, but Courtney, seeing her mother, immediately reached out her arms and wanted to be held by her. Jill pa.s.sed her up to Jade. I was pleased Jill had seen this, for it reinforced what I"d been saying about the strong bond that existed between Jade and her baby.
"I"m going to get a drink," Jade said, holding Courtney and eager to be away.
"All right," Jill said. "Take care. I"ll see you soon. Rachel"s coming tomorrow."
Jade didn"t say anything but disappeared into the kitchen. "It"s OK," Jill said to me. "I"ve seen her. That"s enough for now for my records. She"s got a lot on her mind."
I saw Jill to the front door and before she left she called goodbye to Jade, but Jade didn"t answer. "I know it"s difficult," Jill said compa.s.sionately to me. "But you really have done your best and I know Rachel thinks so too."
I shrugged despondently.
"I"ll phone tomorrow," Jill said and, giving my arm a rea.s.suring pat, left.
As soon as I closed the front door Jade came out of the kitchen carrying Courtney. "She needs changing," she said, going past me and upstairs.
I went into the sitting room, picked up the empty coffee mugs and took them through to the kitchen, where I dumped them in the sink. The front doorbell rang and I thought it must be Jill, having forgotten something. I went down the hall and opened the front door. It wasn"t Jill but Tyler, and I could see he was annoyed.
"I don"t believe her!" he thundered, coming into the hall. "What the f.u.c.k does she think she"s playing at?"
"Tyler " I began.
"She can screw up her life if she wants, but she"s not s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up my baby"s." So I guessed he"d been told about Jade"s arrest.
"Calm down," I said, closing the front door. He was breathing fast and his breath sounded heavy and laboured. "Are you all right?"
He shook his head. "Na. I get asthma when I"m upset."
"Come through to the kitchen and sit down and I"ll pour you a cold drink."
He followed me down the hall and into the kitchen, where I ran a gla.s.s of cold water. I could see he was finding breathing difficult and I knew from other children with asthma I"d fostered that he needed to calm down to avoid a full asthma attack.
"Do you have an asthma pump with you?" I asked, guiding him to a chair at the kitchen table, where I placed the gla.s.s of water.
"I left it at home," he said, his breath rasping. "I don"t need it often. I was fine until I got on the bus."
"All right, don"t worry," I said in a calm, even voice, taking control. "I want you to sit quietly, relax and breathe slowly. It often helps if you lean forward slightly and rest your elbows on the table." He did as I suggested and I placed a rea.s.suring hand on his shoulder. I knew from experience and training that much of managing asthma was staying calm and rea.s.suring the sufferer. "Now breathe in and out very slowly," I said, my voice slowing to the breathing pace I wanted. "Very slowly: in and out. In and out." Tyler did as I said and gradually over the next few minutes his breathing grew easier and eventually lost its rasp as the attack pa.s.sed.
"Well done," I said as he sat back and reached for the gla.s.s of water. "Feeling better?"
He nodded, but as soon as he spoke he became anxious again. "I can"t believe Jade would do something so daft!" he said, his brow furrowing. "The police are involved, thanks to her!"
"I know," I said. "But try not to upset yourself. It won"t help. Jade knows she"s done wrong. She"s hardly said a word since she came home yesterday."
"Where is she now?" he asked, his breath catching slightly. "I"ve been phoning and texting all morning but she"s not answering."
"She"s upstairs, changing Courtney," I said. "Jill, my support social worker, has just left, and Rachel is coming to talk to us tomorrow."
Tyler took a slow breath to calm himself before he spoke again. "Rachel phoned me yesterday evening and told me what had happened. She"s coming to see me tomorrow after school."
It was then I realized that Tyler should have been in school. "Didn"t you go to school today?" I asked.
"Na. I couldn"t concentrate."
"Tyler," I said gently, sitting on the chair next to him, "I know how worried you must be, we all are, but try not to let this interfere with your studies. You"ve got important exams starting in a week. You"ve been working so hard. It would be a shame to throw it all away."
"It all seems pointless now," he said, rubbing his forehead. "I was only doing the studying for Jade and Courtney, so I could get a job and we could all be together." He paused and looked at me, pain in his eyes. I felt so sorry for him. "Cathy," he said, "you"ve fostered lots of kids. Do you think Jade and me will be allowed to keep Courtney?"
I love fostering but sometimes it breaks my heart. I looked at Tyler and saw the desperation in his face. "I honestly don"t know, love," I said. "I"ve fostered many children but never a mother and baby before. We"ll have to wait and see what Rachel says tomorrow."
Tyler gave a small nod. "Can I see Jade and Courtney now, please?"
"Yes, of course. You go in the sitting room and I"ll bring them down." I thought it was better that they were downstairs rather than Tyler going up to Jade"s room, as I could keep an eye on them and intervene if necessary.
Tyler drank the last of the water and went through to the sitting room while I went upstairs to fetch Jade. I was anxious. I knew this was going to be a difficult and upsetting meeting for them both but nothing could have prepared me for just how upsetting.
Chapter Eighteen.
Too Late
"Tyler"s here," I said, knocking on Jade"s bedroom door and going in. She had finished changing Courtney and was standing in the middle of the room, holding her.
"I know, I heard," Jade said in a flat voice, looking at Courtney. "Is he angry with me?"
"More upset than angry, I think. You need to come and talk to him."
Jade didn"t make any move to come with me, so I reached out and lightly touched her arm. "Come on, love," I said. "I"ll be in the room with you. Tyler is your baby"s father. You owe him something."
I touched her arm again and then with a sad and apprehensive expression she came with me out of the room. Jade was silent going downstairs; so too was Courtney, as if she sensed the upset going on around her. Jade followed me into the sitting room, where Tyler was sitting on the sofa, looking sad and deep in thought. He glanced up as Jade entered but before either of them spoke Jade burst into tears. I was about to go to her and comfort her but Tyler stood and, crossing the room, enfolded Jade and Courtney in his arms.
"Oh, Jade, what have you done?" he said quietly, not demanding but upset. "My mum says they"re sure to take Courtney off us now." I saw his face crumple and then he too began to cry silent tears that seemed even worse than Jade"s loud emotional sobs.
I felt uncomfortable standing there watching their grief and unable to offer any consolation, but I didn"t want to leave them alone and they needed to express their emotion. After a minute or so I saw Courtney grow anxious because of her parents" crying and that she was being held awkwardly between them.
I stepped forwards. "Shall I take Courtney, love?" I said to Jade.
Pulling slightly away from Tyler and without speaking, she turned and, with a tear-stained face, pa.s.sed Courtney to me. I sat in the chair with Courtney on my lap while Tyler led Jade to the sofa, where he put his arm around her and drew her close. She rested her head on his shoulder and they were both crying. Courtney looked at them from where she sat on my lap, her little face, usually so happy, now serious and concerned. After some moments Tyler reached forward and, taking a handful of tissues from the box on the coffee table, wiped his eyes and then pa.s.sed some to Jade. With her head still resting on his shoulder she wiped her eyes and gave a little sniff.
"Maybe it"s not as bad as Mum thinks," Tyler said eventually, searching for hope. "Maybe she"s over-reacted and has got it wrong."
"No, she"s right," Jade said quietly. "The last time Rachel was here she told me I was doing things wrong. She said I had to put them right, but I didn"t listen to her. Now I"ve made it worse. I"m sorry, Ty. I"m so sorry. It"s all my fault."
Rachel must have issued her warnings when she and Jade had been alone together. I thought it would have been useful if Rachel (or Jade) had mentioned the concerns to me, as I might have been able to help before it was too late. Although of course from what Jill had told me it appeared I"d done too much helping already.
"The social services are sure to take her," Jade now said, her sobs growing. "They"ll take my baby and have her adopted. Then she"ll have a new mummy and daddy and we"ll never see her again."
Tyler"s face creased with pain. It was pitiful to watch. "We don"t know that for certain," he said, still grasping at any hope.
"I do," Jade said decisively. "Rachel said if things didn"t improve adoption would be the only alternative. And they haven"t improved. I"ve made them worse."
I didn"t know if Tyler was aware of all Rachel"s concerns but she would tell him what he needed to know when she saw him the following evening. As they clung to each other in sorrow they were like two small children in some dreadful danger, waiting for a parent to come and rescue them. Only of course they were the parents now and no one was going to appear to save them.
After some moments Jade lifted her head from Tyler"s shoulder and looked at him. "Perhaps we could run away together?" she said, her voice rising slightly at the possibility.
"Yeah," Tyler agreed, also brightening a little. "We could go abroad. We could stowaway on a big liner and get off wherever it stopped. I could find work and the three of us could live together happily."
"Yes. Let"s do it," Jade said. "When shall we go? Which country?"
My heart ached for them, and while it was unlikely their plans would ever reach fruition I knew that some parents did flea abroad with their children when they were faced with them being taken into care. I thought it was wise to stop this plan before it went any further.
"You would get caught very quickly," I said seriously. "The social services would alert the police and Interpol and you"d be arrested and brought back. Then you"d definitely lose Courtney for good. She"d be in care and you two would be in prison."
Their faces fell but Jade hadn"t given up the idea of running away. "What if we stayed in this country?" she suggested. "We could live in a squat. We wouldn"t need much money. Ty could get a job and I"d look after Courtney. They wouldn"t find us."
It was sad and pathetic, but I was aware that desperate parents made desperate decisions so I dealt with her suggestions seriously. "And what sort of life would that be for Courtney?" I asked. "Living in a squat? Filthy dirty with rats, and no running water, heating or lighting. I thought you wanted the best for your baby. Isn"t that why Tyler"s been studying?"
Jade shrugged. "But at least we"d have her with us," she said, still not completely giving up the idea.
However, I could see Tyler was starting to realize the impracticality of the plan. They were both silent for some time, holding each other and occasionally glancing over at Courtney, who was on my lap and gurgling quietly. Then Tyler took his arm from Jade"s shoulder and, leaning forward slightly, looked at me in earnest.
"Cathy, I have an idea," he said, his expression lightening. "If we"re not allowed to keep Courtney, will you have her? I mean for good. You could adopt her and then we could visit and see her whenever we wanted. You like kids and you"re a good mother. Please say yes."
I felt my eyes mist. Tyler was so sincere but nave in his request, I could have wept.
"It"s not that simple, love," I said gently. "I will certainly look after Courtney for as long as the social services want me to. But where she will live permanently won"t be my decision. It will be up to the court to decide. Adoptive families are usually younger than me and have two parents."
"We don"t mind if it"s just you," Tyler said. "Do we, Jade?"
Jade shook her head in agreement.
"It"s not my decision, love," I said again. "I"m the foster carer and the social services will have lots of prospective adoptive families to choose from if Courtney doesn"t stay with you."
Painful though it was to talk about the possibility of adoption, as Tyler had raised the subject they deserved an honest response. They both fell quiet again and I dearly wished I could give them some encouragement, but based on what Jill had told me earlier I wasn"t hopeful any more than she had been.
"We need to wait and hear what Rachel has to say," I said, which was the best I could offer.
Tyler stayed for about another hour. He and Jade looked after Courtney and gave her lunch while I made our lunch, for we still had to eat despite the unhappiness that we all felt. Once Courtney had finished her lunch and bottle, Jade and Tyler changed her nappy and then settled her in her cot for a nap while we ate. They were both understandably subdued over lunch, but I managed to persuade Tyler to return to school for the afternoon revision session. After we"d eaten Jade saw him to the front door while I cleared the table.
When she returned she said: "I"m going to have a lie-down, Cathy, I don"t feel so good. Can you wake me when Courtney wakes, so I can look after her like Rachel told me to? I know I need to take more responsibility."
My heart went out to her, for I knew that taking responsibility now had come far too late. "All right," I said quietly. "Have a lie-down and I"ll wake you. And Jade, love, you know I"ve always been positive in what I"ve said about you looking after Courtney, don"t you?"
"Yes, I know. Don"t worry. I know I"ve been stupid. It"s not your fault."
So why did I feel it was my fault, I wondered?
Later, when I heard Courtney wake from her nap, I went upstairs and woke Jade. She got out of bed straightaway and changed Courtney; then she brought her downstairs, where she looked after her all afternoon and evening. She was trying so hard to improve her parenting; I just wished she"d done it sooner. Dinner that night was sombre and not enjoyable. Adrian and Paula talked a little but there were big silences in between that were heavy with a sense of loss and foreboding. We all felt it, though no one said.
When Jade left the table to bath Courtney, Paula asked, "What"s wrong with Jade? Is it about the police coming?"
"Sort of," I said. While I didn"t want to burden Paula or Adrian with all the details, I did need to prepare them. "Rachel is having to make some very difficult decisions about Jade and Courtney," I said to them both. "It"s possible that they may be leaving us soon."
"I don"t want Jade and Courtney to leave," Paula said pa.s.sionately.
"I know. But they were always going to leave us some time, weren"t they? Like all the other children we"ve fostered, who left us for new homes. It"s just that it might be sooner than we expected."
"I don"t like fostering," Paula said, pulling a face.
"Yes you do," Adrian said. "It"s saying goodbye you don"t like. It"s horrible."
And not for the first time I wondered about the impact positive and negative fostering had on my family.
That night Jade stayed up so that she could give Courtney her late-night bottle, and in the morning she woke when Courtney did. She fed and changed her and then kept her amused in her room while I showered and dressed. For the first time in a long while Jade had breakfast with us and then when I returned from taking Paula to school she said quietly to me: "Cathy, you will remember to tell Rachel how well I"ve been looking after Courtney, won"t you?"
"Of course, love. I always do," I said and my heart clenched. I feared it was far too late for Jade"s model parenting to have any effect on the outcome.
Rachel was due to arrive at twelve noon, which was the time Courtney usually had her lunch. I thought this was no bad thing, as it would give Rachel a chance to see first hand Jade feeding Courtney, which would I hoped remind her that Jade was doing some things right.
Before Rachel came I made sure the house was spotless; I vacuumed and dusted into every corner. Jade helped me, which was a first, although I wouldn"t be telling Rachel that. We also tidied Jade"s bedroom, which like many teenagers" bedrooms was as usual a tip. We then dressed Courtney in her best clothes and brushed the little hair she had. There was a conspiratorial nature to our work, for we had a common aim: to try to show Rachel (and the social services) that Jade could look after her baby and deserved another chance to prove herself.
Just before Rachel was due to arrive I quickly popped upstairs for a final check and it was just as well I did, for I found that Jade had left Courtney"s last dirty nappy unbagged and on her bed. Had Rachel looked into her room, which she usually did during her visits, she would not have been impressed. I quickly picked it up and stuffed it into a nappy bag, which I knotted and took downstairs.
"You must remember to put Courtney"s nappies in the bin," I said curtly to Jade, as I returned from disposing of it outside in the wheelie bin. "I"ve shown you what to do many times. It"s unhygienic to leave them lying around and they"ll smell now the warmer weather is here."
The poor girl looked as though she was about to burst into tears, so anxious was she. "I"m sorry, Cathy," she said. "How could I have been so stupid?"
"It"s not the end of the world," I said with a rea.s.suring smile. "I"m on edge too. Just try to remember what I"ve told you for next time."
It was something of relief when at 12.10 the doorbell rang. Jade was spoon-feeding Courtney creamy chicken and vegetable baby food.
"You carry on," I said. "I"ll answer it."
Going down the hall I took a deep breath to calm my nerves before I opened the front door. Rachel was dressed smartly in black trousers and a white shirt too smartly: her outfit seemed to emphasize the formality of her visit rather than the casual dress of a friendly social worker.
"h.e.l.lo, come in," I said with forced lightness. "Jade is just giving Courtney her lunch."
"h.e.l.lo, Cathy," Rachel said a little stiffly. I sensed the distance she was placing between us.