Valek"s lantern flickered. He stopped grinding. The wheel spun in silence, reflecting pinp.r.i.c.ks of light that whirled along the walls and ceiling.
He asked, "What is it?"
"I"ve had an offer. Someone wants to pay me for information about the Commander."
He spun around. His face was half hidden in shadows, but it was as rigid as the stone he held. "Why tell me?"
"I thought you might want to follow along. This might be the one who has been leaking information about me."
He stared at me.
I wished then that I held a heavy rock, because I had the sudden desire to bash it on his head. "Espionage is illegal. You might want to make an arrest, or maybe even feed this leak some misinformation. You know, spy stuff. Remember? Or have you become bored with that, too?" Anger fueled my words.
I took a breath to launch into an attack, but it slid unvoiced past my clenched teeth. There was a slight softening in Valek"s face. Renewed interest emanated from him, as if he had been holding every muscle taut and had just relaxed.
"Who?" he asked finally. "And when?"
"Margg approached me, and she mentioned a contact. We"re meeting tomorrow night." I studied his expression. Was he surprised or hurt by Margg"s treachery? I couldn"t tell. Reading Valek"s true mood was like trying to decipher a foreign language.
"All right, proceed as planned. I"ll tail you to the rendezvous, and see who we"re dealing with. We"ll start by feeding this contact some accurate information to make you look reliable. Perhaps the Commander"s change of successor would work. It"s harmless information that will be made public anyway. Then we"ll go from there."
We outlined the details. Even though I was placing my life in danger, I felt cheerful. I had my old Valek back. But for how long? I wondered as wariness crept back in.
When we were through, I turned to go.
"Yelena."
I halted in the doorway, looking back over my shoulder.
"You once said I wasn"t ready to believe your reason for killing Reyad. I"ll believe you now."
"But I"m not ready to tell you," I said and left the room.
20.
d.a.m.n VALEK! d.a.m.n, d.a.m.n, d.a.m.n him! Gave me the cold shoulder for four days and then expected me to trust him? I"d admitted to murder. They"d arrested the right person. That was all he should care about.
Walking down the stairs in the darkness, I headed toward my room. I have to get out of this place, I thought with sudden intensity. The overwhelming desire to take off and d.a.m.n the antidote was strong. Run away, run away, run away sang in my mind. A familiar tune. I had heard it before when I was with Reyad. Memories I had thought were tightly locked away now threatened to push free, seeping through the cracks. d.a.m.n Valek! It was his fault I couldn"t suppress my memories any longer.
In my room, I locked the door. When I turned around, I spied Reyad"s ghost lounging on my bed. The wound in his neck hung open, and blood stained his nightshirt black. In contrast, his blond hair was combed in the latest style, his mustache groomed to perfection, and his light blue eyes glowed.
"Get out," I said. He was, I reminded myself, an intangible ghost and not, absolutely not, to be feared.
"What kind of greeting is that for an old friend?" Reyad asked. He lifted a book on poisons off my nightstand, and flipped through the pages.
I stared at him in shock. He spoke in my mind. He held a book. A ghost, a ghost, I kept repeating. Reyad was unaffected. He laughed.
"You"re dead," I said. "Aren"t you supposed to be burning in eternal d.a.m.nation?"
Reyad wasn"t banished so easily. "Teacher"s pet," he said, waving the book in the air. "If only you had worked this hard for me, everything would have been different."
"I like the way it turned out."
"Poisoned, pursued and living with a psychopath. Not what I would consider the good life. Death has its perks." He sniffed. "I get to watch your miserable existence. You should have chosen the noose, Yelena. It would have saved you some time."
"Get out," I said again, trying to ignore the touch of hysteria in my voice and the trickle of sweat down my back.
"You do know you"ll never get to Sitia alive? You"re a failure. Always were. Always will be. Face it. Accept it." Reyad rose from the bed. "You failed all our efforts to mold you. Do you remember? Remember when Daddy finally gave up on you? When he let me have you?"
I remembered. It had been the week of the fire festival, and Reyad had been so preoccupied with General Tesso"s visiting retinue, especially Tesso"s daughter, Kanna, that he hadn"t bothered to check on me. Since I"d been meekly obeying his every command to gain some trust, he was smug in the a.s.sumption that he"d cowed me into submission. As a result, it was more than a month since he"d locked me into my tiny room that was next to his suite.
But the festival had once again tempted me into disobeying Reyad"s instructions to stay away. The beatings and humiliations of the year before were insufficient to deter me this year. In fact, I felt a stubborn pride in refusing to be intimidated by him. I was terrified of getting caught, knew deep down in a small corner of my mind that I would get caught, but I threw all caution to fate. The fire festival was a part of me. The only time I tasted true freedom. Even though it was for but a few moments, it was worth the consequences.
My defiance added an edge to my acrobatic routines, making me bold and reckless. I sailed through the first five rounds with aplomb, dismounts steady, flips tight, energy level unlimited. I advanced to the final round of compet.i.tion, which was scheduled for the last day of the festival.
I scrambled to put the finishing touches on my costume for the compet.i.tion, while Reyad guided Kanna and a group of friends on a hunting party in the countryside.
I had scrounged around the manor for the preceding two weeks to acquire the necessary supplies for my attire. Now I st.i.tched scarlet silk feathers onto a black leotard, and then outlined them with silver sequins. Wings tied to a harness completed the outfit, but I folded them small and flat so they wouldn"t impede my motion. Braiding my hair into one long rope, I wound it tightly around my head and secured two flaming red feathers in the back. Pleased with the results, I arrived early at the acrobatics tent to practice.
When the compet.i.tion started, the tent bulged with people. The crowd"s cheers soon dimmed to a dull roar in my ears as I performed my routines. The only sounds reaching me were the thump of my hands and feet on the trampoline, the creaking of the tightrope as I launched myself in midair to execute a two-and-a-half twist and the crack of the slender rope when I landed on it without falling.
The floor routine was my last event. I stood on the b.a.l.l.s of my feet at the edge of the mat, breathing deeply. The heavy earthy smell of sweat and the dry scratch of chalk dust filled my lungs. This was my place. This was where I belonged. The air vibrated like a thunderstorm poised to blow in. Energized as lightning, I started my first tumbling run.
I flew that night. Spinning and diving through the air, my feet hardly touched the ground. My spirit soared. I felt like a bird performing aerial tricks for sheer delight. At the end of my last run, I grabbed my wings with both hands. Pulling them open, I raised them over my head as I somersaulted and landed on my feet. The bright scarlet fabric of the wings billowed out behind me. The crowd"s thunderous cheers vibrated deep in my chest. My soul floated with crimson wings on the updraft of the audience"s jubilant praise.
I won the compet.i.tion. Pure uncomplicated joy consumed me, and I grinned for the first time in two years. Face muscles aching from smiling, I stood on the platform to receive the prize from the Master of Ceremonies. He settled a bloodred amulet, shaped like flames and engraved with the year and event, on my chest. It was the greatest moment of my entire life-followed by the worst, as I spotted Reyad and Kanna watching me from the crowd. Kanna was beaming, but Reyad"s expression was hard and unforgiving as suppressed rage leaked from his twitching lips.
I lingered inside the changing room until everyone had gone. There were two exits to the tent, but Reyad had positioned his guards at both. Knowing Reyad would take my amulet and destroy it, I buried it deep under the earthen floor of the room.
As I expected, Reyad grabbed me as soon as I stepped from the tent. He dragged me back to the manor. General Brazell was consulted. He agreed that I would never be "one of his group." Too independent, too stubborn and too willful, Brazell said, and gave me over to his son. No more experiments. I had failed. That night, Reyad just managed to control his temper until we were alone in his room, but once the door was closed and locked, he vented his full anger with his fists and feet.
"I wanted to kill you for disobeying me," Reyad"s ghost said as he glided across my room. "I planned to savor it over a very long period of time, but you beat me to it. You must have had that knife tucked under my mattress for quite a while." He paused, creasing his brow in thought.
I had stolen and hidden a knife under Reyad"s bed a year before, after he had beaten me for practicing. Why his bed? I had no real strategy, just a terrible foreboding that when I needed it, I would be in Reyad"s room and not in my small room next door.
Dreaming of murder was easy; committing it was another story. Even though I"d endured much pain that year, I hadn"t crossed the threshold of sanity. Until that night.
"Did something set you off?" the ghost asked. "Or were you procrastinating, like now? Learning to fight!" He chuckled. "Imagine you fighting off an attacker. You wouldn"t last against a direct a.s.sault. I should know." He floated before me, forcing the memories out.
I flinched from him and from that night"s recollection. "Go away," I said to the specter. Picking up the book on poisons, I stretched out on my bed, determined to ignore him. He faded slightly as I read, but brightened whenever I glanced his way.
"Was it my journal that set you off?" Reyad asked when my eyes lingered too long.
"No." The word sprang from my mouth, surprising me. I had convinced myself that his journal had been the final straw after two years of torment.
The painful memories flooded with a force that shook me and left me trembling.
After I had regained consciousness from the beating, I"d found myself sprawled naked on Reyad"s bed. Flourishing his journal before me, he ordered me to read it, taking pleasure in watching the growing horror on my face.
His journal had listed every single grievance he had against me for the two years I"d been with him. Every time I disobeyed or annoyed him, he noted it, and then followed with a specific description of how he would punish me. Now that Brazell no longer needed me for his experiments, Reyad had no boundaries. His s.a.d.i.s.tic inclinations and overwhelming depth of imagination were written in full detail. As I struggled to breathe, my first thought was to find the knife and kill myself, but the blade was on the other side of the bed near the headboard.
"We"ll start with the punishment on page one tonight." Reyad purred with antic.i.p.ation as he crossed to his "toy" chest, pulling from it chains and other implements of torture.
I flipped back to the beginning with numb fingers. Page one recorded that I had failed to call him sir the first time we met. And for lacking the proper deference, I would a.s.sume a submissive position on my hands and knees, and then be whipped. He would demand that I call him sir. With each lash, I would respond with the words, "More, sir, please." During the following rape, I would address him as sir, and beg him to continue my punishment.
His journal slipped from my paralyzed hands. I flung myself over the bed, intent on finding the knife, but Reyad, thinking I was trying to escape, caught me. My struggles were useless, as he forced me to my knees. With my face pressed into the rough stone floor, Reyad chained my hands behind my neck.
The antic.i.p.ation was more frightening than the actual event. In a sick way, it was a comfort, because I knew what to expect and when he would stop. I played my part, understanding that if I denied him his intended moves, I would only enrage him further.
When the horror finally ceased, blood covered my back and coated the insides of my legs. I curled into a ball on the edge of Reyad"s bed. My mind dead. My body throbbing. His fingers were inside me. Where he would always be, he breathed into my ear as he lay beside me.
This time the knife was within my reach. My thoughts lingered on suicide.
Then Reyad said, "I guess I"ll have to start a new journal."
I did not respond.
"We"ll be training a new girl now that you"ve failed." He sat up, and dug his fingers deeper into me. "Up on your knees. Time for page two."
"No!" I screamed. "You won"t!" Fumbling for a frantic second, I pulled the knife out and sliced at his throat. A surface cut only, but he fell back on the bed in surprise. I leaped onto his chest, slashing deeper. The blade sc.r.a.ped bone. Blood sprayed. A warm feeling of satisfaction settled over me when I realized I could no longer determine whose blood pooled between my thighs.
"So that"s what set you off? The fact that I was going to rape you again?" Reyad"s ghost asked.
"No. It was the thought of you torturing another girl from the orphanage."
"Oh, yes." He snorted. "Your friends."
"My sisters," I corrected. "I killed you for them, but I should have done it for me." Anger surged through my body. I cornered him. My fists struck out even though I knew in a tiny part of my mind that I couldn"t hurt him. His smug expression never changed, but I punched again and again until the first rays of dawn touched Reyad"s ghost. He vanished from sight.
Sobbing, I sank to the floor. After a while, I became aware of my surroundings. My fists were bloodied from hitting the rough stone wall. I was exhausted and drained of all emotions. And I was late for breakfast. d.a.m.n Valek!
"Pay attention," Ari said. He jabbed me in the stomach with a wooden knife. "You"re dead. That"s the fourth time today. What"s the matter?"
"Lack of sleep," I said. "Sorry."
Ari gestured me to the bench along the wall. We sat down and watched Maren and Janco, engaged in a friendly bow match on the far side of the storeroom. Janco"s speed had overpowered Maren"s skill, and she was on the retreat, backing into a corner.
"She"s tall and thin, but she"s not going to win," Janco sang. His words aimed to infuriate her-a tactic that had worked before. Too often, Maren"s anger caused her to make critical mistakes. But this time, she remained calm. She planted the end of her bow between his feet, which trapped his weapon close to his body. Then she flipped over his head, landed behind him, and grabbed him around the neck until he conceded.
My bleak mood improved a notch watching Maren use something I had taught her. The indignant expression on Janco"s face was priceless. He insisted on a rematch. They launched into another rowdy duel. Ari and I remained on the bench. I think Ari sensed that I had no energy to continue our lesson.
"Something"s wrong," he said in a quiet voice. "What is it?"
"I-" I stopped, unsure of my answer. Should I tell him about Valek"s cold shoulder and change of heart? Or about my nightlong conversation with the ghost of the man I"d murdered? No. Instead I asked him, "Do you think this is a waste of time?" Reyad"s words about procrastination had held a ring of truth. Perhaps the time I spent training was merely a subconscious ploy to avoid solving my real problems.
"If I thought this was a waste of time, I wouldn"t be here." A trace of anger colored Ari"s voice. "You need this, Yelena."
"Why? I might die before I even have a chance to use it."
"As I see it, you"re already good at running and hiding. It took you a week to get up the nerve to talk to Maren. And if it was up to you, she"d still be calling you Puker. You need to learn to stand and fight for what you want." Ari fidgeted with the wooden knife, spinning it around his hand.
"You hover on the edges, ready to take off if something goes wrong. But when you can knock the bow from Janco"s hands, and sweep my feet out from under me, you"ll be empowered." He paused, and then said, "If you feel you need to spend your time on something else, then do it...in addition to your training. Then the next time someone calls you Puker, you"ll have the confidence to tell her to go to h.e.l.l."
I was amazed at Ari"s a.s.sessment of me. I couldn"t even say if I agreed or disagreed with him, but I did know he was right about my compulsion to do something else. He didn"t know what it was, but I did: find the antidote to b.u.t.terfly"s Dust.
"Is that your idea of encouragement?" I asked in a shaky voice.
"Yes. Now quit looking for an excuse to stop training, and trust me. What else do you need?"
The quiet intensity of Ari"s voice caused a chill to ripple up my spine. Did he know what I was planning, or was he guessing? My intentions had always been to get the antidote and run to Sitia. Run away, run away, run away. Ari had been right about that. But running south would require me to be in top physical condition, and to have the ability to defend myself from guards. However, I had been evading one important detail: Valek.
He would follow me to Sitia, and crossing the border wouldn"t make me safe from him. Even Irys"s magic couldn"t protect me. He would consider my recapture or my death a personal responsibility. And that was what I"d been so afraid to face. What I"d been dancing around. I"d been concentrating on training so I wouldn"t have to deal with the dilemma I feared I wasn"t smart enough to solve. I had to enhance my strategy, to include not only obtaining the antidote, but dealing with Valek without killing him. I doubted Ari had the solution.
"You might beat Valek with these blows." Janco puffed while blocking Maren"s bow. "He"ll laugh himself silly at how pathetically weak they are, giving you the perfect opening."
Maren remained silent, but increased the pace of her attack. Janco backed off.
Janco"s words stirred in my mind. An odd little long-shot plan began to take shape. "Ari, can you teach me how to pick locks?"
He considered my words in silence. Finally, he said, "Janco could."
"Janco?"
Ari smiled. "He seems harmless and happy-go-lucky, but as a boy he got into all kinds of mischief until he was trapped in a tight spot. Then he was given the choice of either joining the military or going to jail. Now he"s a Captain. His biggest advantage is that no one thinks he is serious, and that"s exactly what he wants."
"I"ll try and remember that the next time he"s cracking jokes and my ribs." I watched Maren beat Janco a second time.
"Best three out of five, my lady can not deny," Janco called tirelessly.
Maren shrugged. "If your ego can handle it," she replied, swiping at his feet with her bow. He jumped, avoiding her attack with an athletic grace, and lunged. The rhythmic crack of wood striking wood filled our practice room.
Ari stood, a.s.sumed a defensive stance, and somehow I found the energy to face him.
After the workout, the four of us were resting on the bench when Valek arrived. Maren shot to her feet, as if she thought being found sitting idle was a crime, but the rest of us kept our relaxed positions. I found it fascinating to watch the small changes in Maren"s behavior whenever Valek was around. Her rough edge softened, she smiled more and tried to engage him in conversation or a match. Most of the time he would review fighting tactics with her, or conduct a practice, and she would preen like an alley cat attracting the biggest tom. But this time he wanted to talk to me. Alone. The others left the room. Maren shot me a dark look with the force of one of her bow strikes. I would pay for this tomorrow, I thought.
Valek paced. With an uneasy feeling, I hoped that he wasn"t searching for a rock to throw.
"What"s wrong?" I asked him. "Is it about tonight?" Excitement over exposing Margg soured to nervousness when I thought of the risk I"d be taking. The idea that this might be another waste of time surfaced. d.a.m.n Reyad"s ghost! He was making me doubt everything. The leak impacted my life. Someone had tipped off those goons at the fire festival, and Irys had known I was in the forest. Margg needed to be plugged.
"No. We"re all set for tonight," Valek said. "This is about the Commander." He paused.