What was he saying? I did not comprehend. I stared dully at the six cave-girls as they grouped themselves in a semi-circle behind me.
Then, as one of them came up and unfolded a white strip of cloth behind my head, the others drew from concealed pockets in their kilts of cat-fur, little silk flags of all nations and began to wave them.
Paralyzed I turned my head. On the strip of white cloth, which the tallest cave-girl was holding directly behind my head, was printed in large black letters:
SUNSET SOAP
For one cataclysmic instant I gazed upon this hideous spectacle, then with an unearthly cry I collapsed into the arms of the nicest looking one.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "I collapsed into the arms of the nicest looking one."]
There is little more to say. Contrary to my fears the release of this outrageous film did not injure my scientific standing. Modern science, accustomed to proprietary testimonials, has become reconciled to such things.
My appearance upon the films in the movies in behalf of Sunset Soap, oddly enough, seemed to enhance my scientific reputation. Even such austere purists as Guilford, the Cubist poet, congratulated me upon my fearless independence of ethical tradition.
And I had lived to learn a gentler truth than that, for, the pretty girl who had been cast for Cave-girl No. 3--But let that pa.s.s. _Adhibenda est in jocando moderatio_.
Sweet are the uses of advertis.e.m.e.nt.
THE LADIES OF THE LAKE
I
At the suggestion of several hundred thousand ladies desiring to revel and possibly riot in the saturnalia of equal franchise, the unnamed lakes in that vast and little known region in Alaska bounded by the Ylanqui River and the Thunder Mountains were now being inexorably named after women.
It was a beautiful thought. Already several exquisite, lonely bits of water, gem-set among the eternal peaks, mirrors for cloud and soaring eagle, a gla.s.s for the moon as keystone to the towering arch of stars, had been irrevocably labelled.
Already there was Lake Amelia Jones, Lake Sadie Dingleheimer, Lake Maggie McFadden, and Lake Mrs. Gladys Doolittle Batt.
I longed to see these lakes under the glamour of their newly added beauty.
Imagine, therefore, my surprise and happiness when I received the following communication from my revered and beloved chief, Professor Farrago, dated from the Smithsonian Inst.i.tute, Washington, whither he had been summoned in haste to examine and p.r.o.nounce upon the ident.i.ty of a very small bird supposed to be a specimen of that rare and almost extinct creature, the two-toed t.i.tmouse, _Must.i.tta duototus_, to be scientifically exact, as I invariably strive to be.
The important letter in question was as follows:
To Percy Smith, B.S., D.F., etc., etc., Curator, Department of Anthropology, Administration Building, Bronx Park, N.Y.
_My Dear Mr. Smith_:
Several very important and determined ladies, recently honoured by the Government in having a number of lakes in Alaska named after them, have decided to make a pilgrimage to that region, inspired by a characteristic desire to gaze upon the lakes named after them individually.
They request information upon the following points:
1st. Are the waters of the lakes in that locality sufficiently clear for a lady to do her hair by? In that event, the expedition will not burden itself with looking-gla.s.ses.
2nd. Are there any hotels? (You need merely say, no. I have tried to explain to them that it is, for the most part, an unexplored wilderness, but they insist upon further information from you.)
3rd. If there are hotels, is there also running water to be had? (You may tell them that there is plenty of running water.)
4th. What are the summer outdoor amus.e.m.e.nts? (You may inform them that there is plenty of bathing, boating, fishing, and an abundance of shade trees. Also, excellent mountain-climbing to be had in the vicinity. You need not mention the pastimes of "Hunt the Flea" or "Dodge the Skeeter.")
I am not by nature cruel, Mr. Smith, but when these ladies informed me that they had decided to penetrate that howling and unexplored wilderness without being burdened or interfered with by any member of my s.e.x, for one horrid and criminal moment I hoped they would. Because in that event none of them would ever come back.
However, in my heart milder and more humane sentiments prevailed. I pointed out to them the peril of their undertaking, the dangers of an unexplored region, the necessity of masculine guidance and support.
My earnestness and solicitude were, I admit, prompted partly by a desire to utilize this expensively projected expedition as a vehicle for the acc.u.mulation of scientific data.
As soon as I heard of it I conceived the plan of attaching two members of our Bronx Park scientific staff to the expedition--you, and Mr.
Brown.
But no sooner did these determined ladies hear of it than they repelled the suggestion with indignation.
Now, the matter stands as follows: These ladies don"t want any man in the expedition; but they have at last realized that they"ve got to take a guide or two. And there are no feminine guides in Alaska.
Therefore, considering the immense and vital importance of such an opportunity to explore and report upon this unknown region at somebody else"s expense, I suggest that you and Brown meet these ladies at Lake Mrs. Susan W. Pillsbury, which lies on the edge of the region to be explored; that you, without actually perjuring yourselves too horribly, convey to them the misleading impression that you are the promised guides provided for them by a cowed and avuncular Government; and that you take these fearsome ladies about and let them gaze at their reflections in the various lakes named after them; and that, while the expedition lasts, you secretly make such observations, notes, reports, and collections of the flora and fauna of the region as your opportunities may permit.
No time is to be lost. If, at Lake Susan W. Pillsbury, you find regular guides awaiting these ladies, you will bribe these guides to go away and you yourselves will then impersonate the guides. I know of no other way for you to explore this region, as all our available resources at Bronx Park have already been spent in painting appropriate scenery to line the cages of the mammalia, and also in the present exceedingly expensive expedition in search of the polka-dotted boom-bock, which is supposed to inhabit the jungle beyond Lake n.i.g.g.e.rplug.
My most solemn and sincere wishes accompany you. Bless you!
Farrago.
II
This, then, is how it came about that "Kitten" Brown and I were seated, one midgeful morning in July, by the pellucid waters of Lake Susan W.
Pillsbury, gnawing sections from a greasily fried trout, upon which I had attempted culinary operations.
Brown"s baptismal name was William; but the unfortunate young man was once discovered indiscreetly embracing a pretty a.s.sistant in the Administration Building at Bronx, and, furthermore, was overheard to address her as "Kitten."
So Kitten Brown it was for him in future. After he had fought all the younger members of the scientific staff in turn, he gradually became resigned to this annoying _nom d"amour_.
Lightly but thoroughly equipped for scientific field research, we had arrived at the rendezvous in time to bribe the two guides engaged by the Government to go back to their own firesides.
A week later the formidable expedition of representative ladies arrived; and now they were sitting on the sh.o.r.e of Lake Susan W. Pillsbury, at a little distance from us, trying to keep the midges from their features and attempting to eat the fare provided for them by me.
I myself couldn"t eat it. No wonder they murmured. But hunger goaded them to attack the greasy mess of trout and fried cornmeal.
Kitten was saying to me: