"I s.n.a.t.c.hed the letter with indescribable emotion. The purport of it was to invite him to dinner, and to ridicule his chivalrous respect for me.
He a.s.sured him, "that every woman had her price, and, with gross indecency, hinted, that he should be glad to have the duty of a husband taken off his hands. These he termed _liberal sentiments_. He advised him not to shock my romantic notions, but to attack my credulous generosity, and weak pity; and concluded with requesting him to lend him five hundred pounds for a month or six weeks." I read this letter twice over; and the firm purpose it inspired, calmed the rising tumult of my soul. I rose deliberately, requested Mr. S---- to wait a moment, and instantly going into the counting-house, desired Mr. Venables to return with me to the dining-parlour.
"He laid down his pen, and entered with me, without observing any change in my countenance. I shut the door, and, giving him the letter, simply asked, "whether he wrote it, or was it a forgery?"
"Nothing could equal his confusion. His friend"s eye met his, and he muttered something about a joke--But I interrupted him--"It is sufficient--We part for ever."
"I continued, with solemnity, "I have borne with your tyranny and infidelities. I disdain to utter what I have borne with. I thought you unprincipled, but not so decidedly vicious. I formed a tie, in the sight of heaven--I have held it sacred; even when men, more conformable to my taste, have made me feel--I despise all subterfuge!--that I was not dead to love. Neglected by you, I have resolutely stifled the enticing emotions, and respected the plighted faith you outraged. And you dare now to insult me, by selling me to prost.i.tution!--Yes--equally lost to delicacy and principle--you dared sacrilegiously to barter the honour of the mother of your child."
"Then, turning to Mr. S----, I added, "I call on you, Sir, to witness,"
and I lifted my hands and eyes to heaven, "that, as solemnly as I took his name, I now abjure it," I pulled off my ring, and put it on the table; "and that I mean immediately to quit his house, never to enter it more. I will provide for myself and child. I leave him as free as I am determined to be myself--he shall be answerable for no debts of mine."
"Astonishment closed their lips, till Mr. Venables, gently pushing his friend, with a forced smile, out of the room, nature for a moment prevailed, and, appearing like himself, he turned round, burning with rage, to me: but there was no terror in the frown, excepting when contrasted with the malignant smile which preceded it. He bade me "leave the house at my peril; told me he despised my threats; I had no resource; I could not swear the peace against him!--I was not afraid of my life!--he had never struck me!"
"He threw the letter in the fire, which I had incautiously left in his hands; and, quitting the room, locked the door on me.
"When left alone, I was a moment or two before I could recollect myself.
One scene had succeeded another with such rapidity, I almost doubted whether I was reflecting on a real event. "Was it possible? Was I, indeed, free?"--Yes; free I termed myself, when I decidedly perceived the conduct I ought to adopt. How had I panted for liberty--liberty, that I would have purchased at any price, but that of my own esteem! I rose, and shook myself; opened the window, and methought the air never smelled so sweet. The face of heaven grew fairer as I viewed it, and the clouds seemed to flit away obedient to my wishes, to give my soul room to expand. I was all soul, and (wild as it may appear) felt as if I could have dissolved in the soft balmy gale that kissed my cheek, or have glided below the horizon on the glowing, descending beams. A seraphic satisfaction animated, without agitating my spirits; and my imagination collected, in visions sublimely terrible, or soothingly beautiful, an immense variety of the endless images, which nature affords, and fancy combines, of the grand and fair. The l.u.s.tre of these bright picturesque sketches faded with the setting sun; but I was still alive to the calm delight they had diffused through my heart.
"There may be advocates for matrimonial obedience, who, making a distinction between the duty of a wife and of a human being, may blame my conduct.--To them I write not--my feelings are not for them to a.n.a.lyze; and may you, my child, never be able to ascertain, by heart-rending experience, what your mother felt before the present emanc.i.p.ation of her mind!
"I began to write a letter to my father, after closing one to my uncle; not to ask advice, but to signify my determination; when I was interrupted by the entrance of Mr. Venables. His manner was changed. His views on my uncle"s fortune made him averse to my quitting his house, or he would, I am convinced, have been glad to have shaken off even the slight restraint my presence imposed on him; the restraint of showing me some respect. So far from having an affection for me, he really hated me, because he was convinced that I must despise him.
"He told me, that, "As I now had had time to cool and reflect, he did not doubt but that my prudence, and nice sense of propriety, would lead me to overlook what was pa.s.sed."
""Reflection," I replied, "had only confirmed my purpose, and no power on earth could divert me from it."
"Endeavouring to a.s.sume a soothing voice and look, when he would willingly have tortured me, to force me to feel his power, his countenance had an infernal expression, when he desired me, "Not to expose myself to the servants, by obliging him to confine me in my apartment; if then I would give my promise not to quit the house precipitately, I should be free--and--." I declared, interrupting him, "that I would promise nothing. I had no measures to keep with him--I was resolved, and would not condescend to subterfuge."
"He muttered, "that I should soon repent of these preposterous airs;"
and, ordering tea to be carried into my little study, which had a communication with my bed-chamber, he once more locked the door upon me, and left me to my own meditations. I had pa.s.sively followed him up stairs, not wishing to fatigue myself with unavailing exertion.
"Nothing calms the mind like a fixed purpose. I felt as if I had heaved a thousand weight from my heart; the atmosphere seemed lightened; and, if I execrated the inst.i.tutions of society, which thus enable men to tyrannize over women, it was almost a disinterested sentiment. I disregarded present inconveniences, when my mind had done struggling with itself,--when reason and inclination had shaken hands and were at peace.
I had no longer the cruel task before me, in endless perspective, aye, during the tedious for ever of life, of labouring to overcome my repugnance--of labouring to extinguish the hopes, the maybes of a lively imagination. Death I had hailed as my only chance for deliverance; but, while existence had still so many charms, and life promised happiness, I shrunk from the icy arms of an unknown tyrant, though far more inviting than those of the man, to whom I supposed myself bound without any other alternative; and was content to linger a little longer, waiting for I knew not what, rather than leave "the warm precincts of the cheerful day," and all the unenjoyed affection of my nature.
"My present situation gave a new turn to my reflection; and I wondered (now the film seemed to be withdrawn, that obscured the piercing sight of reason) how I could, previously to the deciding outrage, have considered myself as everlastingly united to vice and folly? "Had an evil genius cast a spell at my birth; or a demon stalked out of chaos, to perplex my understanding, and enchain my will, with delusive prejudices?"
"I pursued this train of thinking; it led me out of myself, to expatiate on the misery peculiar to my s.e.x. "Are not," I thought, "the despots for ever stigmatized, who, in the wantonness of power, commanded even the most atrocious criminals to be chained to dead bodies? though surely those laws are much more inhuman, which forge adamantine fetters to bind minds together, that never can mingle in social communion! What indeed can equal the wretchedness of that state, in which there is no alternative, but to extinguish the affections, or encounter infamy?"
CHAP. XII.
"TOWARDS midnight Mr. Venables entered my chamber; and, with calm audacity preparing to go to bed, he bade me make haste, "for that was the best place for husbands and wives to end their differences. He had been drinking plentifully to aid his courage.
"I did not at first deign to reply. But perceiving that he affected to take my silence for consent, I told him that, "If he would not go to another bed, or allow me, I should sit up in my study all night." He attempted to pull me into the chamber, half joking. But I resisted; and, as he had determined not to give me any reason for saying that he used violence, after a few more efforts, he retired, cursing my obstinacy, to bed.
"I sat musing some time longer; then, throwing my cloak around me, prepared for sleep on a sopha. And, so fortunate seemed my deliverance, so sacred the pleasure of being thus wrapped up in myself, that I slept profoundly, and woke with a mind composed to encounter the struggles of the day. Mr. Venables did not wake till some hours after; and then he came to me half-dressed, yawning and stretching, with haggard eyes, as if he scarcely recollected what had pa.s.sed the preceding evening. He fixed his eyes on me for a moment, then, calling me a fool, asked "How long I intended to continue this pretty farce? For his part, he was devilish sick of it; but this was the plague of marrying women who pretended to know something."
"I made no other reply to this harangue, than to say, "That he ought to be glad to get rid of a woman so unfit to be his companion--and that any change in my conduct would be mean dissimulation; for maturer reflection only gave the sacred seal of reason to my first resolution."
"He looked as if he could have stamped with impatience, at being obliged to stifle his rage; but, conquering his anger (for weak people, whose pa.s.sions seem the most ungovernable, restrain them with the greatest ease, when they have a sufficient motive), he exclaimed, "Very pretty, upon my soul! very pretty, theatrical flourishes! Pray, fair Roxana, stoop from your alt.i.tudes, and remember that you are acting a part in real life."
"He uttered this speech with a self-satisfied air, and went down stairs to dress.
"In about an hour he came to me again; and in the same tone said, "That he came as my gentleman-usher to hand me down to breakfast.
""Of the black rod?" asked I.
"This question, and the tone in which I asked it, a little disconcerted him. To say the truth, I now felt no resentment; my firm resolution to free myself from my ign.o.ble thraldom, had absorbed the various emotions which, during six years, had racked my soul. The duty pointed out by my principles seemed clear; and not one tender feeling intruded to make me swerve: The dislike which my husband had inspired was strong; but it only led me to wish to avoid, to wish to let him drop out of my memory; there was no misery, no torture that I would not deliberately have chosen, rather than renew my lease of servitude.
"During the breakfast, he attempted to reason with me on the folly of romantic sentiments; for this was the indiscriminate epithet he gave to every mode of conduct or thinking superior to his own. He a.s.serted, "that all the world were governed by their own interest; those who pretended to be actuated by different motives, were only deeper knaves, or fools crazed by books, who took for gospel all the rodomantade nonsense written by men who knew nothing of the world. For his part, he thanked G.o.d, he was no hypocrite; and, if he stretched a point sometimes, it was always with an intention of paying every man his own."
"He then artfully insinuated, "that he daily expected a vessel to arrive, a successful speculation, that would make him easy for the present, and that he had several other schemes actually depending, that could not fail. He had no doubt of becoming rich in a few years, though he had been thrown back by some unlucky adventures at the setting out."
"I mildly replied, "That I wished he might not involve himself still deeper."
"He had no notion that I was governed by a decision of judgment, not to be compared with a mere spurt of resentment. He knew not what it was to feel indignation against vice, and often boasted of his placable temper, and readiness to forgive injuries. True; for he only considered the being deceived, as an effort of skill he had not guarded against; and then, with a cant of candour, would observe, "that he did not know how he might himself have been tempted to act in the same circ.u.mstances." And, as his heart never opened to friendship, it never was wounded by disappointment. Every new acquaintance he protested, it is true, was "the cleverest fellow in the world;" and he really thought so; till the novelty of his conversation or manners ceased to have any effect on his sluggish spirits. His respect for rank or fortune was more permanent, though he chanced to have no design of availing himself of the influence of either to promote his own views.
"After a prefatory conversation,--my blood (I thought it had been cooler) flushed over my whole countenance as he spoke--he alluded to my situation. He desired me to reflect--"and act like a prudent woman, as the best proof of my superior understanding; for he must own I had sense, did I know how to use it. I was not," he laid a stress on his words, "without my pa.s.sions; and a husband was a convenient cloke.--He was liberal in his way of thinking; and why might not we, like many other married people, who were above vulgar prejudices, tacitly consent to let each other follow their own inclination?--He meant nothing more, in the letter I made the ground of complaint; and the pleasure which I seemed to take in Mr. S."s company, led him to conclude, that he was not disagreeable to me."
"A clerk brought in the letters of the day, and I, as I often did, while he was discussing subjects of business, went to the _piano forte_, and began to play a favourite air to restore myself, as it were, to nature, and drive the sophisticated sentiments I had just been obliged to listen to, out of my soul.
"They had excited sensations similar to those I have felt, in viewing the squalid inhabitants of some of the lanes and back streets of the metropolis, mortified at being compelled to consider them as my fellow-creatures, as if an ape had claimed kindred with me. Or, as when surrounded by a mephitical fog, I have wished to have a volley of cannon fired, to clear the inc.u.mbered atmosphere, and give me room to breathe and move.
"My spirits were all in arms, and I played a kind of extemporary prelude.
The cadence was probably wild and impa.s.sioned, while, lost in thought, I made the sounds a kind of echo to my train of thinking.
"Pausing for a moment, I met Mr. Venables" eyes. He was observing me with an air of conceited satisfaction, as much as to say--"My last insinuation has done the business--she begins to know her own interest." Then gathering up his letters, he said, "That he hoped he should hear no more romantic stuff, well enough in a miss just come from boarding school;"
and went, as was his custom, to the counting-house. I still continued playing; and, turning to a sprightly lesson, I executed it with uncommon vivacity. I heard footsteps approach the door, and was soon convinced that Mr. Venables was listening; the consciousness only gave more animation to my fingers. He went down into the kitchen, and the cook, probably by his desire, came to me, to know what I would please to order for dinner. Mr. Venables came into the parlour again, with apparent carelessness. I perceived that the cunning man was over-reaching himself; and I gave my directions as usual, and left the room.
"While I was making some alteration in my dress, Mr. Venables peeped in, and, begging my pardon for interrupting me, disappeared. I took up some work (I could not read), and two or three messages were sent to me, probably for no other purpose, but to enable Mr. Venables to ascertain what I was about.
"I listened whenever I heard the street-door open; at last I imagined I could distinguish Mr. Venables" step, going out. I laid aside my work; my heart palpitated; still I was afraid hastily to enquire; and I waited a long half hour, before I ventured to ask the boy whether his master was in the counting-house?
"Being answered in the negative, I bade him call me a coach, and collecting a few necessaries hastily together, with a little parcel of letters and papers which I had collected the preceding evening, I hurried into it, desiring the coachman to drive to a distant part of the town.
"I almost feared that the coach would break down before I got out of the street; and, when I turned the corner, I seemed to breathe a freer air. I was ready to imagine that I was rising above the thick atmosphere of earth; or I felt, as wearied souls might be supposed to feel on entering another state of existence.
"I stopped at one or two stands of coaches to elude pursuit, and then drove round the skirts of the town to seek for an obscure lodging, where I wished to remain concealed, till I could avail myself of my uncle"s protection. I had resolved to a.s.sume my own name immediately, and openly to avow my determination, without any formal vindication, the moment I had found a home, in which I could rest free from the daily alarm of expecting to see Mr. Venables enter.
"I looked at several lodgings; but finding that I could not, without a reference to some acquaintance, who might inform my tyrant, get admittance into a decent apartment--men have not all this trouble--I thought of a woman whom I had a.s.sisted to furnish a little haberdasher"s shop, and who I knew had a first floor to let.
"I went to her, and though I could not persuade her, that the quarrel between me and Mr. Venables would never be made up, still she agreed to conceal me for the present; yet a.s.suring me at the same time, shaking her head, that, when a woman was once married, she must bear every thing. Her pale face, on which appeared a thousand haggard lines and delving wrinkles, produced by what is emphatically termed fretting, inforced her remark; and I had afterwards an opportunity of observing the treatment she had to endure, which grizzled her into patience. She toiled from morning till night; yet her husband would rob the till, and take away the money reserved for paying bills; and, returning home drunk, he would beat her if she chanced to offend him, though she had a child at the breast.
"These scenes awoke me at night; and, in the morning, I heard her, as usual, talk to her dear Johnny--he, forsooth, was her master; no slave in the West Indies had one more despotic; but fortunately she was of the true Russian breed of wives.
"My mind, during the few past days, seemed, as it were, disengaged from my body; but, now the struggle was over, I felt very forcibly the effect which perturbation of spirits produces on a woman in my situation.