He was a tease.
And I was a joke.
LUCAS.
I wanted to kiss her.
I"ve wanted to kiss her since the moment I saw her.
But we were eleven. It would"ve been weird.
Now I"m almost eighteen, and I"ve kissed enough girls to make up for all the pent-up angst that"s built from not finding the courage to actually kiss the girl I want to kiss.
She told her dad that she"d dated. She"d never told me she dated, never even mentioned a date or a guy in pa.s.sing. And it made me want to kiss her more. I didn"t want to bring it up because I knew she had other things going on, but I was curious. So I asked, and she answered, and her answer made me furious.
Curious and furious.
And rhymy, apparently.
"Watch!" Lachlan demands.
I push aside my thoughts of Laney and focus on my brother. "I see, bud. You"re getting good at brushing your teeth on your own," I tell him through the reflection in the bathroom mirror.
He smiles wide, toothbrush in hand, a mixture of baby and adult teeth on full display. "I"m Thor years old!"
"You mean four?"
"No. Thor! Tongue to teeth, Luke. Thhh-or!"
With a laugh, I say, "Four is the number. Thor is the superhero. And you"re six, dude."
"I know!" he laughs out, looking down at his hands holding up five fingers. "Six." Then he continues to brush his teeth. When he"s done, he asks, "Do you think I"ll live to be eleventy-three?"
"I"ve told you, eleventy-three isn"t a number."
"Is so."
"Is not."
"Is so."
Sigh.
"Lucas, will you buy me a four hammer? I asked Dad. He says I have to do ch.o.r.es. But you"ll just buy it for me because I"m your best friend, right?"
I shake my head. "If Dad says you have to do ch.o.r.es, then you have to do ch.o.r.es. And you are not my best friend. Laney is."
"And Dumb Name."
"Don"t call Garray that."
"Why not?" he asks, stepping down from the stool we have set up so he can reach the taps at the sink. Clearly, he got his height from my mother. "Everyone else does."
"Because..." I drop to a squatting position and wait for him to climb onto my back. "Just because."
"Because why?"
When he settles, I stand up and piggyback him to the door. "Because I said so."
"Fine," he moans, switching off the light. "Laney"s my tooth fairy."
"What?"
"Daddy said she"s there to watch out for me and take care of me if no one else can."
I walk us to his room, a room filled with my trophies and medals and pictures of me running, pictures of us together. I drop him on his bed. "You mean your G.o.dmother? How in the world do you get G.o.dmother and tooth fairy confused? You goose!"
"I"m not Luce!" He cackles and squirms on his bed, shifting the blankets beneath him. "You ready for your one minute?" I ask.
He nods, still squirming. When Lachlan was a baby, he wouldn"t sleep unless he was being held. Then as he got older and moved to a big boy bed, the only thing that changed was that only I was allowed in his bed. So every night at 7:00, I"d get in his bed with him and wait until he fell asleep. Sometimes, he wouldn"t be able to sleep and after a long-a.s.s time of lying there, wide awake, I"d attempt to leave. He"d cry. I"d tell him that I would only lie with him for one minute. He had no idea how long a minute was so it was more like five seconds. At some point, he started calling tuck-ins "one minute" and now it"s stuck.
I fix his blankets and tell him to get under before joining him. "Can I cuggles you this time?" he asks.
I shift to my side and face him. "Sure."
His small arms wrap around my neck and pull me toward him so his forehead"s touching mine. "Remember that time when you weren"t here to cuggles and do my one minute?"
My eyes narrow, my mind searching. "When I was at track camp?"
He nods. "And New Jersey at the start of summer."
"How do you remember track camp? You were three."
"I remember things from when I was free."
"Three," I correct. "Tongue to teeth. Thhhh-ree."
"That"s what I said!"
"Okay." I close my eyes, the exhaustion quick to consume me. I hadn"t slept much last night, and I"d been out with Lane most of the day. I"m almost tempted to sleep in Lachy"s bed with him, but the second I close my eyes, Laney fills my mind.
I wanted to kiss her.
When she told me she"d miss seeing me every day-I wanted to kiss her.
"Do you love Laney?" Lachlan asks.
The kid reads minds. "What?"
"Do you love her?"
"Yes," I tell him truthfully.
"Like Cam loves Lucy?"
I wanted to kiss her when we were in that store, my hand on her waist, her chest against mine. I wanted to dip my head, find her lips with mine and devour them the way I"ve only ever dreamed about.
"Luke!"
"What?"
"Do you love her like Cam loves Lucy?" he asks again, his blue eyes big and waiting.
"How do you think Cameron loves Lucy?"
"They s.e.x," he says simply.
"What the f- What the h.e.l.l did they teach you in school?"
"Do you and Laney s.e.x?"
I get out of his bed and throw the blankets over his face. "Go to sleep."
"Do you?" he shouts, but I"m already rushing out of his room. "Do you and Laney s.e.x?" he yells, louder this time.
Dad freezes at the top of the stairs. "Did he just say what I think he said?"
I nod. "I don"t know where he got it from."
Surprisingly, Dad grins. "So, do you?"
"Do I what?" I ask, bouncing on my toes, anxious to leave.
"Do you and Laney have s.e.x?" he asks, arms crossed, waiting for my response.
"I have a girlfriend!"
"Keep telling yourself that," Logan says, stepping out of his room.
I ask, "What"s that supposed to mean?"
"You know what it means," he says, eyes narrowed.
Leo climbs the stairs, deciding to join in. "What"s going on?"
"Luke and Laney are having s.e.x," Dad says with a chuckle.
I sigh. "This is how rumors get started."
"They"re not having s.e.x," Leo mumbles, removing his t-shirt as he walks past me and moves to the bathroom.
"How do you know?" Logan asks, raising his chin.
Leo steps inside the bathroom and turns to face us all, one hand on the door, ready to close it. "Because Laney"s smart and beautiful and way too good for Luke."
"What the h.e.l.l is so wrong with me?" I whine.
"s.e.x!" Lachlan shouts.
I tried to get her off my mind, but the only thing I could think about was Laney.
One last year with Laney.
Sure, I"d see her on holidays, and I"d make sure to come home on weekends whenever possible, but it"s not the same. I"d be gone, living a life where she wouldn"t be around to call me out on my screw ups, and she"d move on and live every day without me. f.u.c.k the fact that I wouldn"t be able to crawl into her bed whenever I felt the need to be close to her, but I"m positive she"d fill those nights with date after date, guy after guy. All of them not me. That thought alone has my stomach doing somersaults and my heart beating wildly. I almost thump at my chest, mad and frustrated with myself, because I have one year. Just one year to make her want me the way I want her. She listened to me talk about girls, about my awkward-as-f.u.c.k fumbly first time, and she never mentioned anything. Not a d.a.m.n word. And now I"m mad. At her. Because she should"ve said something, right?
Without thinking, I slip on my running shoes and head out. I have zero knowledge of the time. It was seven when I put Lachy to bed, but who the h.e.l.l knows how long I"ve been in my apartment, pacing back and forth, trying to push thoughts of her out of my mind.
I"d felt closer to her today. Closer than I"ve ever felt. And not just physically. I feel like there"s a giant clock hanging over me, counting down the days, hours, minutes, seconds until... I can"t even process what happens when the final second ticks over.
Before I know it, I"m at a crossroads. A literal crossroads. I"ve spent day after day here-the only part of my routine run where I stop. I look left. Look right. Not for the cars, but for guidance. Right brings me past Laney"s work, toward the school, and a couple more rights take me home.
Left?
Left brings me to her.
With two fingers on my pulse, I attempt to count the beats, but the numbers are blurred, my concentration drowning in thoughts and images of her.
She looked good today.
She smelled even better...
f.u.c.k, I almost lost my mind.
I"m still losing my mind.
I take the 468 steps to her door.
I knock once.
Twice.