"I daresay, but that is not the point. The point is that I had no idea that iron traction engine wanted to marry my daughter or anybody"s daughter. The tactless beast got up steam and proposed for her the day after I had offered him the living. He had never given so much as a preliminary screech on the subject, never blown a horn to show what his horrid intentions were--I only hope that if I had known I should still have had the moral courage to appoint him. The Archbishop a.s.sures me I should--but I doubt it. I was loudly accused of nepotism, of course.
Your uncle, who died soon afterwards, forgave me in the worst of taste on his deathbed. I had no means of justifying myself. The Archbishop and Grenfell and a few other old friends believed. _Why were you not among those old friends, Wentworth?_"
"I _was_ among them," said Wentworth, meeting the Bishop"s sombre eyes.
"You never answered it, so I suppose you never received it, but at the time I wrote you a long letter a.s.suring you that I for one had not joined in the cry against you, even though my uncle did. I frankly owned that, while I regarded the appointment as an ill-considered one, I took for granted that Mr. Rawlings was suited for the place. I said that I knew you far too well to suppose even for a moment that you would have given the post to a man, even if he were your son-in-law, unless he had been competent to fill it. You never answered the letter, so I suppose it failed to reach you."
"I received it," said the Bishop slowly. "I felt it to be an illuminating doc.u.ment, but it did not seem to call for an answer. It was in itself a response to a tacit appeal."
There was a pause, and then he continued cheerfully. "Rawlings has proved himself dreadfully competent as you prophesied, and Lucy is very happy in her new home. I came on from there this morning. My son-in-law, with the admirable prompt.i.tude and economy of time which endeared him to me as my chaplain, had arranged that every moment of my visit should be utilised; that I should christen their first child, dedicate a thank-offering in the shape of a lectern, consecrate the new portion of the churchyard, open a reading-room, and say a few cordial words at a drawing-room meeting before I left at mid-day. I told him if he went on like this he would certainly come to grief and be made a bishop some day. But he only remarked that he was not solicitous of high preferment. I think you would like Rawlings if you knew him better. You and he have a certain amount in common. I must own that I am glad that it is Lucy who has to put up with him and not I. I should think even G.o.d Almighty must find him rather difficult to live with at times. And now, Wentworth, if I am to be up and away at c.o.c.k-crow, I must go to bed."
But the Bishop did not go to bed at once when Wentworth had escorted him to his room.
"It was no use," he said to himself. "It was worth trying, but it was no use. He never saw that he had misjudged me. He met my eye. He has a straight, clean eye. He is sincere as far as he goes, but how far _does_ he go? He has never made that first step towards sincerity of doubting his own sincerity. He mistakes his moods for convictions. He has never suspected his own motives, or turned them inside out. He suspects those of others instead. He is like a crab. He moves sideways by nature, and he thinks that everyone else who moves otherwise is not straightforward, and that he must make allowances for them. According to his lights he has behaved generously by me. Has he! d.a.m.n him! G.o.d forgive me. Well, I must stick to him, for I believe I am almost the only friend he has left in the world."
CHAPTER XII
Shall soul not somehow pay for soul?--D. G. ROSSETTI.
Fay did not sleep that night.
For a long time past, she seemed to have been gradually, inevitably approaching, dragging reluctant feet towards something horrible, unendurable. She could not look this veiled horror in the face. She never attempted to define it to herself. Her one object was to get away from it.
It had not sprung into life full grown. It had gradually taken form after Michael"s imprisonment. At first it had been only an uneasy ghost that could be laid, a spectre across her path that could be avoided; but since she had come home it had slowly attained gigantic and terrifying proportions. It loomed before her now as a vague but insistent menace, from which she could no longer turn away.
A great change was coming over Fay, but she tacitly resisted it. She did not understand it, nor realise that the menace came from within her gates, was of the nature of an insurrection in the citadel of self. We do not always recognise the voice of the rebel soul when first it begins to speak hoa.r.s.ely, unintelligibly, urgently from the dark cell to which we have relegated it.
Some of us are so const.i.tuted that we can look back at our past and see it as a gradation of steps, a sort of sequence, and can thus gain a kind of inkling of the nature of the next step against which we are even now striking our feet.
But poor Fay saw her life only as shattered, meaningless fragments, confused, mutilated ma.s.ses without coherence. The ma.s.ses and the gaps between them were of the same substance in her eyes. She wandered into her past as a child might wander among the rubbish heaps of its old home in ruins. She was vaguely conscious that there had been a design once in those unsightly mounds, that she had once lived in them. On that remnant of crazy wall clung a strip of wall-paper which she recognised as the paper in her own nursery; here a vestige of a staircase that had led to her mother"s room. And as a child will gather up a little frockful of sticks and fallen remnants, and then drop them when they prove heavy, so Fay picked up out of her past tiny disjointed odds and ends of ideas and disquieting recollections, only to cast them aside again as burdensome and useless.
The point to which she wandered back most frequently--to stare blankly at it without comprehension--was her husband"s appeal to her on his deathbed. To-night she had gone back to it again as to a tottering wall.
She had worn a little pathway over heaps of miserable conjectures and twisted memories towards that particular place.
She saw again the duke"s dying face, and the tender fixity of his eyes.
She could almost hear his difficult waning voice saying:
"The sun shines. He does not see them, the spring and the sunshine.
Since a year he does not see them. Francesca, how much longer will you keep your Cousin Michael in prison?"
_Since a year he does not see them._
It was two years now.
The shock to Fay at the moment those words were spoken had been that her husband had known all the time. That revelation blotted out all other thoughts for the time being. It even blotted out all considerations of her own conduct towards Michael, which it might conceivably have rendered acute. It made her mind incapable of receiving the impression that the duke had perhaps hoped his deliberate last words might make on it; that surely she would not, after his death, still keep Michael in his cell. Throughout the early weeks of her widowhood Fay remained as one stunned. Even Magdalen, who hurried out to her, supposed at first that she was stunned by grief.
"Then Andrea knew all the time." That was the constant refrain of her bewildered, half-paralysed mind.
Gradually in the quiet monotonous life at Priesthope the question made itself felt. "_How did he know?_"
That question was never answered by Fay, deeply though she pondered over it. It remained a mystery to her all of her life. She recalled little sc.r.a.ps of his conversation, tiny incidents which might have shown her that he knew. But she had noticed nothing at the time. Her cheek burned when she recalled his tranquil, sarcastic voice.
"Not on the high road. You are in the right. How dusty, how dirty, is the high road! But I have known, not once, nor twice, women to murder men very quietly. Oh! so gently and cleanly--to let them die."
When first she remembered those words of her dead husband, a horrible revulsion of feeling against him seized her. She had been vaguely miserable and remorseful at his death until those words, so tranquilly spoken in a primrose dawn, came back to her.
Then she was suddenly glad he was dead, gone for ever. She almost hated him once more. It was dreadful to live with people whom she did not understand, who knew things they kept secret, whose minds and thoughts and motives were incomprehensible to her, who believed horrible untrue things of her. It had been a fixed idea with Fay during her husband"s lifetime that he believed horrible untrue things about her. But what they were she would have found it difficult to say.
Fay"s was not a suspicious nature in its normal state, but most persons of feeble judgment become suspicious when life becomes difficult. They cannot judge, and consequently cannot trust. Fay had never learnt even so much of her husband as that she might have trusted him entirely. Now that he was gone without betraying her, the knowledge that he had known her secret and had guarded it faithfully did not make her feel, with a flood of humble contrition, how deeply she had misjudged him, how loyal he had been from first to last; it only aroused in her a sense of fear and anger. How secretive Andrea had been, how underhand! Perhaps part of the doom of a petty, self-centred nature is that it does not know when it has been generously and humanely dealt with.
When Fay had somewhat recovered from the shock of her husband"s dying speech she had turned with all her might to Magdalen, had cast herself upon her, clung to her in a sort of desperation. Magdalen at any rate believed in her.
For many months after she came to Priesthope, her mind remained in a kind of stupor, and it seemed at first as if she were regaining a sort of calm, caught as it were from Magdalen"s presence.
But gradually miserable brooding memories returned, and it seemed at last as if something in Magdalen"s gentle serenity irritated instead of soothing Fay as heretofore. Was Magdalen a sort of unconscious ally of that fainting soul within Fay"s fortress? Were chance words of Magdalen"s beginning to make the rebel stir in his cell? At any rate something stirred. Something was making trouble. Fay began to shrink from Magdalen, involuntarily at first, then purposely for long moody intervals. Then she would be sarcastic and bitter with her, jibe at the housekeeping, and criticise the household arrangements. A day later she would be humbly and hysterically affectionate once more, asking to be forgiven for her waywardness. She could not live without the comfort of Magdalen"s tenderness. And at times she could not live with it. Magdalen preserved an unmoved front. She ignored her sister"s petulance and spasmodic fault-finding. She knew they were symptoms of some secret ill, but what that ill was she did not know. She kept the way open for Fay"s sudden remorseful return to affectionate relations, and waited.
Those who, like Magdalen, do not put any value on themselves, are slow to take offence. It was not that she did not perceive a slight, or a rebuff, or a sneer at her expense, but she never, so to speak, picked up the offence flung at her. She let it lie, by the same instinct that led her to step aside in a narrow path rather than that her skirt should touch a dead mole. No one could know Magdalen long without seeing that she lived by a kind of spiritual instinct, as real to her as the natural instincts of animals.
Fay became more and more haggard and irritable as the months at Priesthope drew into a year. A new element of misery was added to her life by the sight of Wentworth, and his visits were becoming frequent.
His mere presence made acute once more that other memory, partially blurred, persistently pushed aside--the memory of Michael in prison. The figure of the duke had temporarily displaced that other figure in its cell.
But now the remembrance of Michael, continually stirred up by poor Wentworth, with his set, bereaved face, was never suffered to sleep.
With every week of her life it seemed to Fay some new pain came.
Magdalen could not comfort her. Magdalen, who was so fond of Michael.
_If Magdalen knew!_
_Magdalen must never, never know._ She could not live without Magdalen.
Magdalen was not like Andrea in that. She at any rate was concealing nothing, could know nothing. Now that Andrea was dead, only one living person beside herself _knew_--Michael. Fay was unconsciously growing to hate the thought of that one other person, to turn with horror from the remembrance of Michael: his sufferings, his patient life in death filled her with nausea, disgust. Her vehement selfish pa.s.sion for him had been smothered by the hideous debris which had been cast upon it.
She had never loved him, as the duke well knew, and now the shivering remembrance of him, constantly renewed by Wentworth, had become like a poignard in a wound that would not heal. Wentworth had to-day yet again unconsciously turned the dagger in the wound, and her whole being sickened and shuddered. Oh! if she could only tear out that sharp-bladed remembrance and cast it from her, then in time the aching wound in her life might heal, and she might become happy and well and at peace once more;--at peace like Magdalen. An envious anger flared up in her mind against Magdalen"s calm and happy face.
Oh, if poor Michael could only die! He wanted to die. If only he could die and release her. _Release her from what?_
From her duty to speak and set him free? Those were the words which she never permitted the rebel voice within to say. Still, they were there, silenced for the time, but always waiting to be said. Their gagged whisper reached her in spite of herself.
Oh! if only Michael were dead and out of his suffering, then she would never be tortured by them any more. Then, too, her husband"s words would lose their poisoned point, and she could thrust them forth from her mind for ever.
"Francesca, how much longer will you keep your cousin Michael in prison?"
Oh! Cruel, cruel Andrea, vindictive to the very gates of death.
Down the empty, whispering gallery of ghostly fears in which her life crouched, Michael"s voice spoke to her also. She could hear his grave, low tones. "Think of me as in fairy-land."
That tender, compa.s.sionate message had a barbed point which pierced deeper even than the duke"s words.