To him vacillation and doubt were unknown. A certain wisdom could never be his, for he saw no alternatives. He never balanced two courses of action against each other.
"There were no two ways about it," he said to his G.o.dfather, the Bishop of Lostford, respecting a decision where there were several alternatives, which he had endeavoured to set before Michael with impartiality. But Michael saw only one course, and took it.
And now again he only saw one course, and he meant to take it. He sickened under it, but his mind was made up. Fay"s letter which duly reached him only made him suffer. It did not alter his determination to go. Certainly, he would see her again, if she desired it so intensely, and had something vitally important to tell him, though he disliked the suggestion of a clandestine meeting. Still it was Fay"s suggestion, and Fay could do no wrong. But he knew that nothing she could do or say, nothing new that she could spring upon him would have power to shake his decision to leave Rome on Friday. _It was the only thing to do._
CHAPTER IV
L"on fait plus souvent des trahisons par faiblesse que par un dessein forme de trahir.--LA ROCHEFOUCAULD.
Fay"s evening-party was a success. Her parties generally were. It was a small gathering, for as it was May but few of the residents had come down to the villas. Some of the guests had motored out from Rome. My impression is that Fay enjoyed the evening. She certainly enjoyed the brilliancy which excitement had momentarily added to her beauty.
All the time she was saying to herself, "If people only knew. What a contrast between what these people think and what I really am. Perhaps this is the last time I shall have a party here. Perhaps I shall not be here to-morrow. Perhaps Michael will insist on taking me away with him, from this death in life, this h.e.l.l on earth."
What large imposing words! How well they sounded! Yes, in a way Fay was enjoying herself.
Often during the evening she saw the grave, kindly eyes of the duke upon her. Once he came up to her, and paid her a little exquisite compliment.
Her disgust and hatred of him were immediately forgotten. She smiled back at him. She did not love him of course. A man like that did not know what love was. But Fay had never yet felt harshly towards any man who admired her. The husband who did not understand her watched her with something of the indulgent, protecting expression which we see on the face of the owner of an enchanting puppy, which is ready to gallop on india rubber legs after any pair of boots which appears on its low horizon.
The guests had ebbed away by degrees. Lord John Alington, a tall, bald, boring Englishman, and one or two others, remained behind, arranging some expedition with the duke.
Michael"s chief had long since gone. Michael did not depart with him, but took his leave a few moments later. Michael"s departure from Rome the following day on urgent affairs was generally known. The duke had watched him bid Fay a mechanical farewell, and had then expressed an urbane regret at his departure. The thin, pinched face of the young man appealed to the elder one. The duke had liked him from the first.
"It is time he went," he said to himself as he watched Michael leave the room. As Michael left it Fay"s excitement dropped from her, and she became conscious of an enormous fatigue. A few minutes later she dragged herself up the great pictured staircase to her little boudoir overlooking the garden, and sank down exhausted on a couch. Her pretty Italian maid was waiting for her in the adjoining bedroom, and came to her, and began to unfasten her jewels.
Fay dismissed her for the night, saying she was not going to bed yet.
She often stayed up late reading. She was of those who say that they have no time for reading in the day, and who like to look up (or rather, to say afterwards they looked up) to find the solemn moon peering in at them.
To-night there was no solemn or otherwise disposed moon.
Fay"s heart suddenly began to beat so wildly that it seemed as if she would suffocate. What violent emotion was this which was flooding her, sweeping away all landmarks, covering, as by one great inrolling tidal wave, all the familiar country of her heart? Whither was she being swept in the midst of this overwhelming roaring torrent? Out to sea? To some swift destruction? Where? Where?
She clutched the arm of the sofa and trembled. She had known so many small emotions. What was this? And like a second wave on the top of the first a sea of recklessness broke over and engulfed her. _What next?_ She did not know. She did not care. Michael, his face and hand. These were the only realities. In another moment she should see him, feel him, hold him, never, never let him go again.
In the intense stillness a whisper came up through the orange blossom below her balcony:
"Fay."
She was on the balcony in a moment. The scent of the orange blossom had become alive and confused everything.
"Come up," she said almost inaudibly.
"I cannot."
"You must. I must speak to you."
"Come down here then. I am not coming up."
She ran down, and felt rather than saw Michael"s presence at the foot of the little stair.
He was breathing hard. He did not move towards her.
"You sent for me, so I came," he said. "Tell me quickly what I can do for you, how I can serve you. I cannot remain here more than a moment. I endanger your safety as it is."
It was all so different from what she had expected, from what she had pictured to herself. He was so determined and stern; and it had never struck her as possible that he would not come up to her room, that the interview would be so short.
"I can"t speak here," she said, angry tears smarting in her eyes.
"You can and must. Tell me quickly, dearest, why you sent for me. You said it was all-important. I am here, I will do your bidding, if you will only say what it is."
"Take me with you," she gasped inaudibly.
She had not meant to say that. She was merely the mouthpiece of something vast, of some blind destructive force that was rending her.
She swayed against the railings, clinging to them with both hands.
Even as she spoke her voiceless whisper was drowned in a sound but very little louder. There was a distant stir, a movement as of waking bees in the house.
He had not heard her. He was listening intently.
"Go back instantly and shut the window," he said, and in a moment she felt he was gone.
She crept feebly up the stairs to her room and sank down again on the couch, broken, half dead.
"I shall see him no more. I shall see him no more," she said to herself, twisting her hands. What a travesty, what a mockery that one hurried moment had been! What a parting that was no parting! He had no heart.
He did not really love her.
Through her stupor she felt rather than heard a movement in the house.
She stole out of her room to the head of the grand staircase. Nearly all the lights had been put out. Close to a lamp in the saloon below, the duke and Lord John were standing, looking at a map. "The Grotta Ferrata road is the best," the duke was saying. And as he spoke a servant came in quickly, and whispered to the duke, who left the saloon with him.
Fay fled back to her own room. Something was happening. But what? Could it have any connection with herself and Michael? No, that seemed impossible. And Michael must by now have left the gardens, by the unlocked door by which he had come in.
Fay drew the reading lamp nearer to her, and opened the book of devotions which Magdalen, her far off sister in England, had sent her.
Her eyes wandered over the page, her mind taking no heed.
"_For it is the most pain that the soul may have, to turn from G.o.d any time by sin._"
There certainly was a sort of subdued stir in the house. A nameless fear was invading Fay"s heart. The book shook in her hand. What _could_ be happening? And if it was, as it must be, something quite apart from her and Michael, what did it matter, why be afraid?
"_For sin is vile, and so greatly to be hated that it may be likened to no pain which is not sin. And to me was showed no harder h.e.l.l than sin._"
A low tap came at the window. Fay started violently, and the book dropped on the floor.
The tap was repeated. She went to the window, and saw Michael"s face through the gla.s.s.