"We already do, Ingrid. You haven"t let me touch you for months. I think that"s separate enough. And it certainly explains why the wh.o.r.es you mention now seem so attractive." And he couldn"t help smiling when he said it, taking pleasure from vengeance.
Surprisingly, she returned his smile with one of her own.
"Good," she said. "I"m glad you find them attractive. That means you won"t be too upset when I confess that I"ve been seeing another man for a while now. A nice man, ten years older than you, but so much kinder, more decent. I just thought you should know."
Ernst burned hot and cold, felt his whole body stiffening, and had to fight to control the racing of his heart, a suffocating mixture of rage and humiliation. He wanted to kill her.
"Why did you want me to know?" he managed to ask.
"Because I"ve lived for too long with the knowledge of your philandering and now I want it out in the open."
"You want revenge."
"I"ve already had that, Ernst. That"s how my affair started though it isn"t why it continued. I just came to care deeply for my lover and I won"t keep him hidden."
Ernst had to resist the urge to slap her face.
"You want a separation?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied.
"You can"t have one," he told her. "The SS doesn"t approve of divorce, so I won"t even consider it. And if you try to go ahead with it, the SS will ensure that the children are handed over to me. Are you willing to pay that price?"
She looked at him with hatred. "No, Ernst, I"m not. You know I"d never give up the children."
"Then the marriage continues."
"I won"t give up my lover."
"And I won"t give up my wh.o.r.es. Let"s just live our separate lives, while living together, and keep our mouths shut."
The gleam of hatred receded, but her gaze remained antagonistic. "I don"t think we can do that," she said.
"Perhaps not normally," he responded, "but I also had something to tell you and clearly, in the light of this conversation, it"s come at the right time."
"Oh? What?"
He could not resist swelling slightly with pride. "Reichsfhrer Himmler has plans for a special expeditionary force to travel by boat to the Antarctic early next year and has personally requested that I go with it."
"The... Antarctic?"
"Yes."
"For what purpose?"
"He didn"t say," Ernst replied honestly, though he knew that the expedition was in some way related to Projekt Saucer. "He only said that he"d be pleased if I volunteered, which of course I did instantly. Now, Ingrid, you and I can live our separate lives without too much pain at least for a few months."
He sat back in his chair and gazed steadily at her, finding it easier to hide his rage and humiliation behind a display of pride. Ingrid studied him at length, clearly not sure if she should be pleased or not, then she nodded in a thoughtful, accepting manner and said, "Yes. I think that will be good for both of us. It"s has come at the right time."
Ernst sighed and sipped some beer, thinking of how the blood from wounded emotions could be so easily mopped up... Yet even as that cynicism gripped him, he saw Ingrid"s tears.
She sniffed, but failed to hold the tears back, so wiped them away with her hand and shook her head sadly. "What happened, Ernst?"
The question drove a stake through his heart, and he writhed with the pain of it. He knew what had happened Adolf Hitler but he couldn"t admit that now. The love they had shared had been destroyed by his devotion to duty... or, more accurately, by his fear of the consequences of disobedience. Now, when he saw Ingrid"s tearful eyes, he understood that he was giving away what he valued the most: her love and his pride.
"Nothing in particular," he lied, debasing himself even more. "We just drifted apart. Let"s say we both grew up."
She quivered as if whipped, but then managed to control herself. "I have to leave now," she said in a distracted, conversational manner, "and collect the children from my mother"s. Can I take it you"ll be home tonight for dinner?"
"No," Ernst said, watching her dry her eyes and stifling his pain, "I don"t think I will be. Now that we"re leading separate lives, I see no point in lying."
Ingrid smiled bitterly and nodded, then wiped her eyes with a handkerchief. "Are you leaving now as well?" she asked, standing up and glancing out at the wintry sunshine over the busy corner of the Friedrichstra.s.se and Unter den Linden.
"I have five minutes to spare," he replied, "so I"ll just finish my beer."