8. The Friendly Native
"The first principle of warfare," said Psmith at breakfast next morning, doling out bacon and eggs with the air of a medieval monarch distributing largesse, "is to collect a gang, to rope in allies, to secure the cooperation of some friendly native. You may remember that at Sedleigh it was partly the sympathetic cooperation of that record blitherer, Comrade Jellicoe, which enabled us to nip the pro-Spiller movement in the bud. It is the same in the present crisis. What Comrade Jellicoe was to us at Sedleigh, Comrade Rossiter must be in the City.
We must make an ally of that man. Once I know that he and I are as brothers, and that he will look with a lenient and benevolent eye on any little shortcomings in my work, I shall be able to devote my attention whole-heartedly to the moral reformation of Comrade Bickersd.y.k.e, that man of blood. I look on Comrade Bickersd.y.k.e as a bargee of the most p.r.o.nounced type; and anything I can do towards making him a decent member of Society shall be done freely and ungrudgingly. A trifle more tea, Comrade Jackson?"
"No, thanks," said Mike. "I"ve done. By Jove, Smith, this flat of yours is all right."
"Not bad," a.s.sented Psmith, "not bad. Free from squalor to a great extent. I have a number of little objects of _vertu_ coming down shortly from the old homestead. Pictures, and so on. It will be by no means un-snug when they are up. Meanwhile, I can rough it. We are old campaigners, we Psmiths. Give us a roof, a few comfortable chairs, a sofa or two, half a dozen cushions, and decent meals, and we do not repine. Reverting once more to Comrade Rossiter--"
"Yes, what about him?" said Mike. "You"ll have a pretty tough job turning him into a friendly native, I should think. How do you mean to start?"
Psmith regarded him with a benevolent eye.
"There is but one way," he said. "Do you remember the case of Comrade Outwood, at Sedleigh? How did we corral him, and become to him practically as long-lost sons?"
"We got round him by joining the Archaeological Society."
"Precisely," said Psmith. "Every man has his hobby. The thing is to find it out. In the case of comrade Rossiter, I should say that it would be either postage stamps, dried seaweed, or Hall Caine. I shall endeavour to find out today. A few casual questions, and the thing is done. Shall we be putting in an appearance at the busy hive now? If we are to continue in the running for the bonus stakes, it would be well to start soon."
Mike"s first duty at the bank that morning was to check the stamps and petty cash. While he was engaged on this task, he heard Psmith conversing affably with Mr Rossiter.
"Good morning," said Psmith.
"Morning," replied his chief, doing sleight-of-hand tricks with a bundle of letters which lay on his desk. "Get on with your work, Psmith. We have a lot before us."
"Undoubtedly. I am all impatience. I should say that in an inst.i.tution like this, dealing as it does with distant portions of the globe, a philatelist would have excellent opportunities of increasing his collection. With me, stamp-collecting has always been a positive craze.
I--"
"I have no time for nonsense of that sort myself," said Mr Rossiter. "I should advise you, if you mean to get on, to devote more time to your work and less to stamps."
"I will start at once. Dried seaweed, again--"
"Get on with your work, Smith."
Psmith retired to his desk.
"This," he said to Mike, "is undoubtedly something in the nature of a set-back. I have drawn blank. The papers bring out posters, "Psmith Baffled." I must try again. Meanwhile, to work. Work, the hobby of the philosopher and the poor man"s friend."
The morning dragged slowly on without incident. At twelve o"clock Mike had to go out and buy stamps, which he subsequently punched in the punching-machine in the bas.e.m.e.nt, a not very exhilarating job in which he was a.s.sisted by one of the bank messengers, who discoursed learnedly on roses during the _seance_. Roses were his hobby. Mike began to see that Psmith had reason in his a.s.sumption that the way to every man"s heart was through his hobby. Mike made a firm friend of William, the messenger, by displaying an interest and a certain knowledge of roses. At the same time the conversation had the bad effect of leading to an acute relapse in the matter of homesickness. The rose-garden at home had been one of Mike"s favourite haunts on a summer afternoon. The contrast between it and the bas.e.m.e.nt of the new Asiatic Bank, the atmosphere of which was far from being roselike, was too much for his feelings. He emerged from the depths, with his punched stamps, filled with bitterness against Fate.
He found Psmith still baffled.
"Hall Caine," said Psmith regretfully, "has also proved a frost. I wandered round to Comrade Rossiter"s desk just now with a rather brainy excursus on "The Eternal City", and was received with the Impatient Frown rather than the Glad Eye. He was in the middle of adding up a rather tricky column of figures, and my remarks caused him to drop a st.i.tch. So far from winning the man over, I have gone back. There now exists between Comrade Rossiter and myself a certain coldness. Further investigations will be postponed till after lunch."
The postage department received visitors during the morning. Members of other departments came with letters, among them Bannister. Mr Rossiter was away in the manager"s room at the time.
"How are you getting on?" said Bannister to Mike.
"Oh, all right," said Mike.
"Had any trouble with Rossiter yet?"
"No, not much."
"He hasn"t run you in to Bickersd.y.k.e?"
"No."
"Pardon my interrupting a conversation between old college chums," said Psmith courteously, "but I happened to overhear, as I toiled at my desk, the name of Comrade Rossiter."
Bannister looked somewhat startled. Mike introduced them.
"This is Smith," he said. "Chap I was at school with. This is Bannister, Smith, who used to be on here till I came."
"In this department?" asked Psmith.
"Yes."
"Then, Comrade Bannister, you are the very man I have been looking for.
Your knowledge will be invaluable to us. I have no doubt that, during your stay in this excellently managed department, you had many opportunities of observing Comrade Rossiter?"
"I should jolly well think I had," said Bannister with a laugh. "He saw to that. He was always popping out and cursing me about something."
"Comrade Rossiter"s manners are a little restive," agreed Psmith. "What used you to talk to him about?"
"What used I to talk to him about?"
"Exactly. In those interviews to which you have alluded, how did you amuse, entertain Comrade Rossiter?"
"I didn"t. He used to do all the talking there was."
Psmith straightened his tie, and clicked his tongue, disappointed.
"This is unfortunate," he said, smoothing his hair. "You see, Comrade Bannister, it is this way. In the course of my professional duties, I find myself continually coming into contact with Comrade Rossiter."
"I bet you do," said Bannister.
"On these occasions I am frequently at a loss for entertaining conversation. He has no difficulty, as apparently happened in your case, in keeping up his end of the dialogue. The subject of my shortcomings provides him with ample material for speech. I, on the other hand, am dumb. I have nothing to say."
"I should think that was a bit of a change for you, wasn"t it?"
"Perhaps, so," said Psmith, "perhaps so. On the other hand, however restful it may be to myself, it does not enable me to secure Comrade Rossiter"s interest and win his esteem."
"What Smith wants to know," said Mike, "is whether Rossiter has any hobby of any kind. He thinks, if he has, he might work it to keep in with him."
Psmith, who had been listening with an air of pleased interest, much as a father would listen to his child prattling for the benefit of a visitor, confirmed this statement.
"Comrade Jackson," he said, "has put the matter with his usual admirable clearness. That is the thing in a nutsh.e.l.l. Has Comrade Rossiter any hobby that you know of? Spillikins, bra.s.s-rubbing, the Near Eastern Question, or anything like that? I have tried him with postage-stamps (which you"d think, as head of a postage department, he ought to be interested in), and dried seaweed, Hall Caine, but I have the honour to report total failure. The man seems to have no pleasures.
What does he do with himself when the day"s toil is ended? That giant brain must occupy itself somehow."