JOHN BULL a LA RUSSE.
[Ill.u.s.tration]
The _Novosti_ and other St. Petersburg papers favour the notion of an Anglo-Russian _entente cordiale_. We shall have to adapt our conversation to our new friends. As thus:--
SCENE _The Strand._ _Enter_ R. _and_ L. _two quondam c.o.c.kneys._
Why, there"s young WOTATOFF!... I hardly knew you, little pigeon, in that fur shuba!
Zzzdrrravstv--I mean, be in good health, Gospodin DROPOWISKY, how do you live on?
_What_ do I live on? Why, vodka mostly, now that we"ve all turned Muscovites. But where are you going, IVAN IVANOVITCH?
I"m off to call on the _Punchski_ Redaktor, at 10, Bouverieskaya Ulitsa.
Why, so am I! let"s hire a droshki.
Khorosho--excuse my sneezing!... Hi, izvostchik, drive us to the _Punchskoye_ Bureau. What"s the fare? two roubles? oh, nonsense! you shall have fifty kopeks, and ten more for tea-money!
What an improvement those bells are, tinkling in the duga over the horse"s neck!
Yes, but Bozhe moi! that was a near shave with that runaway troika, down Wellington Street! How lucky it is the politsiya wear swords now to stop the traffic with....
Hullo, the Lyceumski Theatre is closed!
Yes, don"t you know Gospodin IRVING and Gospozha _Terry_ are on tour?
Oh, so they are.... Will you smoke? Here"s a papiroska, with a mouthpiece!
Thanks, I"ll finish my sweetmeats!
Well, here we are.... What, the thief of a vanka wants more money? Why, we"ve only gone a verst!
Let"s send for an ispravnik, and have him knouted!... Have you got your pa.s.sport ready?
Yes--tchort vozmi! I mean, confound it! The dvornik here says the Redaktor"s too busy to see us!
Ekaya dosada--what a bore!... Never mind; come and have some shtchi and pirogui at the Gaiety Restaurant! They"ve a very good zakuska there to whet your appet.i.te with!
All right, little brother!... I say, old man, I can"t keep this up much longer. Let"s chuck it and emigrate!
Where to?
Oh, St. Petersburg, where they"re all talking English now, as a compliment to our "Prints WALESKI" and "Ghertsog YORKSKI."
Very well. Ta-ta! _do svidanya_ till to-morrow!
AN ENGAGEMENT.
(_A Page from a Diary._)
[Ill.u.s.tration]
_Monday._--Delightful news! My sister NELLIE is engaged to be married!
It came upon us all as a great surprise. I never had the slightest suspicion that NELLIE cared twopence about old GOODBODY ST. LEGER. He is such a staid, solemn old party, a regular fossilised bachelor we all thought. Not at all the sort of man to give way to emotions or to be in love. However, it"s a capital match for NELLIE as ST. LEGER"S firm are about the largest accountants in the city. My wife thinks it will be a good thing in another way, too, as my other six sisters may now have a chance of going off. It seems that when once this kind of epidemic gets into a family, all the unmarried sisters go popping off like blazes one after another. Called with my wife this afternoon to congratulate NELLIE. Rather a trial for the poor girl, as all sorts of female relatives had called full of enthusiasm and congratulations. GOODBODY was there (NELLIE calls him "GOODIE") and seemed rather overwhelmed. He went away early and didn"t kiss NELLIE. I thought this funny, and chaffed NELLIE about it afterwards. She said she"d soon make that all right.
_Tuesday._--GOODBODY is getting on. We had a family dinner at home to-night. He came rather late and entered the drawing-room with an air of great determination, marched straight up to NELLIE and kissed her violently. It was splendidly done and we all felt inclined to cheer. He kissed her again when he went away, and lingered so long in saying good night to my mother that we all thought he was going to kiss her too.
But he didn"t. My wife said that the suspense of those moments was dreadful.
_Wednesday._--He has kissed my mother--on both cheeks. I must say the old lady took it extraordinarily well, though she was not in the very least prepared for it. It happened at five o"clock tea, in an interval of complete silence, and those two sounding smacks simply reverberated through the room. Mother was quite cheerful afterwards, and spoke to NELLIE about the trousseau in her usual calm and collected frame of mind. Still I can see that the incident has made a deep impression upon her. My wife told MAGGIE it would be her turn next.
_Thursday._--It _has_ been MAGGIE"S turn. GOODBODY called at home on his way from the City, and set to work as soon as he got into the drawing-room. He first kissed NELLIE, then repeated the performance with my poor mother, and, finding that MAGGIE was close beside him, he kissed her on the forehead. Where will this end?
_Friday._--He has regularly broken loose. He dined at home to-day, and, without a word of warning, kissed the whole family--my mother, NELLIE, MAGGIE, ALICE, MABEL, POLLY, MAUD, and little BETA. He quite forgot he had begun with my mother, and, after he had kissed BETA, got confused, and began all over again. At this moment my wife and I came in with Aunt CATHERINE whom we had brought in our carriage. Both my wife and Aunt CATHERINE tried to escape, but it was no good. He kissed them both, and was just advancing towards me, when the butler fortunately announced dinner. Matters are getting quite desperate, and we none of us know what ought to be done. Aunt CATHERINE had a violent fit of hysterics in the spare bedroom after dinner.
_Sat.u.r.day._--The engagement is broken off. A great relief. It has been a lesson for all of us.
DEAR TO DUSTMEN.--"A big, big D"--in the window.