[Ill.u.s.tration]
BY PARLIAMENTARY.
_On the Platform._
A LADY OF FAMILY. Oh, yes, I do travel third-cla.s.s sometimes, my dear. I consider it a duty to try to know something of the lower orders.
[_Looks out for an empty third-cla.s.s compartment._
_In the Carriage._--_The seats are now occupied: the LADY OF FAMILY is in one corner, next to a CHATTY WOMAN with a basket, and opposite to an ECCENTRIC-LOOKING MAN with a flighty manner._
The ECCENTRIC MAN (_to the LADY OF FAMILY_). Sorry to disturb you, Mum, but you"re a-setting on one o" my "am sandwiches.
The _L. of F._???!!!
The E. M. (_considerately_). Don"t trouble yourself, Mum, it"s of no intrinsic value. I on"y put it there to keep my seat.
The CHATTY W. (_to the L. OF F._). I think I"ve seen you about Shinglebeach, "ave I not?
The L. OF F. It is very possible. I have been staying with some friends in the neighbourhood.
The C. W. It"s a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but (_confidentially_) don"t you think it"s a very singler thing that in a place like that--a fash"nable place, too--there shouldn"t be a single "am an" beef shop?
The L. OF F. (_making a desperate effort to throw herself into the question_). What a very extraordinary thing to be sure. Dear, _dear_ me!
No ham and beef shop!
The C. W. It"s so indeed, Mum; and what"s more, as I daresay you have noticed for yourself, if you "appen to want a snack o" fried fish ever so, there isn"t a place you could go to--leastways, at a moment"s notice. Now, "ow do you explain such a thing as that?
The L. OF F. (_faintly_). I"m afraid I can"t suggest any explanation.
A SENTENTIOUS MAN. Fried fish is very sustaining.
[_Relapses into silence for remainder of journey._
The ECCENTRIC MAN. Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was kids, my father ud bring us home two pennorth o" ches"nuts, and we "ad "em boiled, and they"d last us days. (_Sentimentally._) He was a kind man, my father (_to the L. OF F., who bows constrainedly_), though you wouldn"t ha" thought it, to look at him. I don"t know, mind yer, that he wasn"t fond of his bit o" booze--(_the L. OF F. looks out of window_)--like the best of us. I"m goin" up to prove his will now, I am--if you don"t believe me, "ere"s the probate. (_Hands that doc.u.ment round for inspection._) That"s all reg"lar enough, I "ope. (_To the L.
OF F._) Don"t give it back before you"ve done with it--I"m in no "urry, and there"s good reading in it. (_Points out certain favourite pa.s.sages with a very dirty forefinger._) Begin there--_that"s_ my name.
[_The L. OF F. peruses the will with as great a show of interest as she can bring herself to a.s.sume._
The ECCENTRIC MAN. D"ye see that big "andsome building over there?
That"s the County Lunatic Asylum--where my poor wife is shut up. I went to see her last week, I did. (_Relates his visit in detail to the L. OF F., who listens unwillingly._) It"s wonderful how many of our family have been in that asylum from first to last. I "ad a aunt who died cracky; and my old mother, she"s very peculiar at times. There"s days when I feel as if I was a little orf my own "ed, so if I say anything at all out of the way, you"ll know what it is.
[_L. OF F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from his FIANCeE as the L. OF F. takes her seat._
The FIANCe. Excuse me one moment, Ma"am.
(_Leans across the L. OF F. and out of the window._) Well, good-bye, my girl; take care of yourself.
The FIANCeE (_with a hysterical giggle._) Oh, I"ll take care o" _my_ self.
[_Looks at the roof of the carriage._
HE (_with meaning_). No more pickled onions, eh?
SHE. What a one you are to remember things! (_After a pause._) Give my love to Joe.
HE. All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last. (_They embrace loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of mingled sentiment and complacency._) Oh (_to L. OF F._), if you don"t mind my stepping across you again, Mum. Jenny, if you see d.i.c.k between this and Friday, just tell him as----
[_Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses; final parting as train starts with a jerk, which throws the FINACe upon the L. OF F."S lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring_ _Men, who is reclining in an easy att.i.tude on the seat. His companion responds with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black bottle from the rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the FIANCe._
The F. Thankee, I don"t mind if I do. Here"s wishing you----
[_Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is about to hand back bottle when the first SEAFARER intimates that he is to pa.s.s it on. The L. OF F. recoils in horror._
BOTH SEAFARERS. It"s _wine_, Mum!
[_Tableau. The LADY OF FAMILY realises that the study of third-cla.s.s humanity has its drawbacks._
[Ill.u.s.tration]
THE FARMING OF THE FUTURE; OR, WHAT BRITISH AGRICULTURE IS COMING TO.
_A Car on the Electric Light Railway. TIME.--Twentieth Century._
FIRST FARMER (_recognising Second Farmer_). Why, "tis Muster Fretwail, surelie! didn"t see it was you afore. And how be things gettin" along with _you_, Sir, eh?
FARMER FRETWAIL (_lugubriously_). "Mong the middlin"s, Muster Lackaday; "mong the middlin"s! Nothen doin" just now--nothen "t all!
THIRD FARMER (_enviously_). Well, _you_ hevn"t no call fur to cry out, neighbour. I see you"ve got a likely lot o" noo "oardins comin" up all along your part o" the line. I wish mine wur arf as furrard, I know thet!
F. FRETWAIL. Ah, them "Keep yer "air on""s, _you_ mean, Ryemouth. I don"t deny as they was lookin" tidy enough a week back. But just as I was makin" ready fur to paint up "Try it on a Billiard Ball," blamed if this yere frost didn"t set in, and now theer"s everything at a standstill, wi" the brushes froze "ard in the pots!
F. RYEMOUTH. "Tis the same down with me. Theer"s a acre o" "Bunyan"s Easy Boots" as must hev a noo coat, and I cann"t get nothen done to "en till the weather"s a bit more hopen like. Don" keer _"ow_ soon we hev a change, myself, I don"t!
F. LACKADAY. Nor yet me, so long as we don"t "ave no gales with it.
Theer was my height acre pasture as I planted only las" Candlemas wi"
"Roopy"s Lung Tonics"--wunnerful fine and tall they was, too--and ivery one on "en blowed down the next week!
F. FRETWAIL. Well I "ope theer wun"t be no rain, neither, come to that.
I know I had all the P"s of my "Piffler"s Persuasive Pillules" fresh gold-leaved at Michaelmas, and it come on wet directly arter I done it, and reg"lar washed the gilt out o" sight an" knowledge, it did. Theer ain"t no standin" up agen rain!