PICKERING. Quite right. We"ll leave it so, if you don"t mind.
DOOLITTLE. And you"ll come to the church, Colonel, and put me through straight?
PICKERING. With pleasure. As far as a bachelor can.
MRS. HIGGINS. May I come, Mr. Doolittle? I should be very sorry to miss your wedding.
DOOLITTLE. I should indeed be honored by your condescension, ma"am; and my poor old woman would take it as a tremenjous compliment. She"s been very low, thinking of the happy days that are no more.
MRS. HIGGINS [rising] I"ll order the carriage and get ready. [The men rise, except Higgins]. I shan"t be more than fifteen minutes. [As she goes to the door Eliza comes in, hatted and b.u.t.toning her gloves]. I"m going to the church to see your father married, Eliza. You had better come in the brougham with me. Colonel Pickering can go on with the bridegroom.
Mrs. Higgins goes out. Eliza comes to the middle of the room between the centre window and the ottoman. Pickering joins her.
DOOLITTLE. Bridegroom! What a word! It makes a man realize his position, somehow. [He takes up his hat and goes towards the door].
PICKERING. Before I go, Eliza, do forgive him and come back to us.
LIZA. I don"t think papa would allow me. Would you, dad?
DOOLITTLE [sad but magnanimous] They played you off very cunning, Eliza, them two sportsmen. If it had been only one of them, you could have nailed him. But you see, there was two; and one of them chaperoned the other, as you might say. [To Pickering] It was artful of you, Colonel; but I bear no malice: I should have done the same myself. I been the victim of one woman after another all my life; and I don"t grudge you two getting the better of Eliza. I shan"t interfere. It"s time for us to go, Colonel. So long, Henry. See you in St. George"s, Eliza. [He goes out].
PICKERING [coaxing] Do stay with us, Eliza. [He follows Doolittle].
Eliza goes out on the balcony to avoid being alone with Higgins. He rises and joins her there. She immediately comes back into the room and makes for the door; but he goes along the balcony quickly and gets his back to the door before she reaches it.
HIGGINS. Well, Eliza, you"ve had a bit of your own back, as you call it. Have you had enough? and are you going to be reasonable? Or do you want any more?
LIZA. You want me back only to pick up your slippers and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.
HIGGINS. I haven"t said I wanted you back at all.
LIZA. Oh, indeed. Then what are we talking about?
HIGGINS. About you, not about me. If you come back I shall treat you just as I have always treated you. I can"t change my nature; and I don"t intend to change my manners. My manners are exactly the same as Colonel Pickering"s.
LIZA. That"s not true. He treats a flower girl as if she was a d.u.c.h.ess.
HIGGINS. And I treat a d.u.c.h.ess as if she was a flower girl.
LIZA. I see. [She turns away composedly, and sits on the ottoman, facing the window]. The same to everybody.
HIGGINS. Just so.
LIZA. Like father.
HIGGINS [grinning, a little taken down] Without accepting the comparison at all points, Eliza, it"s quite true that your father is not a sn.o.b, and that he will be quite at home in any station of life to which his eccentric destiny may call him. [Seriously] The great secret, Eliza, is not having bad manners or good manners or any other particular sort of manners, but having the same manner for all human souls: in short, behaving as if you were in Heaven, where there are no third-cla.s.s carriages, and one soul is as good as another.
LIZA. Amen. You are a born preacher.
HIGGINS [irritated] The question is not whether I treat you rudely, but whether you ever heard me treat anyone else better.
LIZA [with sudden sincerity] I don"t care how you treat me. I don"t mind your swearing at me. I don"t mind a black eye: I"ve had one before this. But [standing up and facing him] I won"t be pa.s.sed over.
HIGGINS. Then get out of my way; for I won"t stop for you. You talk about me as if I were a motor bus.
LIZA. So you are a motor bus: all bounce and go, and no consideration for anyone. But I can do without you: don"t think I can"t.
HIGGINS. I know you can. I told you you could.
LIZA [wounded, getting away from him to the other side of the ottoman with her face to the hearth] I know you did, you brute. You wanted to get rid of me.
HIGGINS. Liar.
LIZA. Thank you. [She sits down with dignity].
HIGGINS. You never asked yourself, I suppose, whether I could do without YOU.
LIZA [earnestly] Don"t you try to get round me. You"ll HAVE to do without me.
HIGGINS [arrogant] I can do without anybody. I have my own soul: my own spark of divine fire. But [with sudden humility] I shall miss you, Eliza. [He sits down near her on the ottoman]. I have learnt something from your idiotic notions: I confess that humbly and gratefully. And I have grown accustomed to your voice and appearance. I like them, rather.
LIZA. Well, you have both of them on your gramophone and in your book of photographs. When you feel lonely without me, you can turn the machine on. It"s got no feelings to hurt.
HIGGINS. I can"t turn your soul on. Leave me those feelings; and you can take away the voice and the face. They are not you.
LIZA. Oh, you ARE a devil. You can twist the heart in a girl as easy as some could twist her arms to hurt her. Mrs. Pearce warned me. Time and again she has wanted to leave you; and you always got round her at the last minute. And you don"t care a bit for her. And you don"t care a bit for me.
HIGGINS. I care for life, for humanity; and you are a part of it that has come my way and been built into my house. What more can you or anyone ask?
LIZA. I won"t care for anybody that doesn"t care for me.
HIGGINS. Commercial principles, Eliza. Like [reproducing her Covent Garden p.r.o.nunciation with professional exactness] s"yollin voylets [selling violets], isn"t it?
LIZA. Don"t sneer at me. It"s mean to sneer at me.
HIGGINS. I have never sneered in my life. Sneering doesn"t become either the human face or the human soul. I am expressing my righteous contempt for Commercialism. I don"t and won"t trade in affection. You call me a brute because you couldn"t buy a claim on me by fetching my slippers and finding my spectacles. You were a fool: I think a woman fetching a man"s slippers is a disgusting sight: did I ever fetch YOUR slippers? I think a good deal more of you for throwing them in my face. No use slaving for me and then saying you want to be cared for: who cares for a slave? If you come back, come back for the sake of good fellowship; for you"ll get nothing else. You"ve had a thousand times as much out of me as I have out of you; and if you dare to set up your little dog"s tricks of fetching and carrying slippers against my creation of a d.u.c.h.ess Eliza, I"ll slam the door in your silly face.
LIZA. What did you do it for if you didn"t care for me?
HIGGINS [heartily] Why, because it was my job.
LIZA. You never thought of the trouble it would make for me.
HIGGINS. Would the world ever have been made if its maker had been afraid of making trouble? Making life means making trouble. There"s only one way of escaping trouble; and that"s killing things. Cowards, you notice, are always shrieking to have troublesome people killed.
LIZA. I"m no preacher: I don"t notice things like that. I notice that you don"t notice me.
HIGGINS [jumping up and walking about intolerantly] Eliza: you"re an idiot. I waste the treasures of my Miltonic mind by spreading them before you. Once for all, understand that I go my way and do my work without caring twopence what happens to either of us. I am not intimidated, like your father and your stepmother. So you can come back or go to the devil: which you please.