As often happens with people when they are told to go on, Clementina found that she had not much more to say. "I think I could get along in the wo"ld, well enough. Yes, I believe I could do it. But I wasn"t bohn to it, and it would be a great deal of trouble--a great deal moa than if I had been bohn to it. I think it would be too much trouble. I would rather give it up and go home, when Mrs. Landa wants to go back."
Miss Milray did not speak for a time. "I know that you are serious, Clementina; and you"re wise always, and good--"
"It isn"t that, exactly," said Clementina. "But is it--I don"t know how to express it very well--is it wo"th while?"
Miss Milray looked at her as if she doubted the girl"s sincerity. Even when the world, in return for our making it our whole life, disappoints and defeats us with its prizes, we still question the truth of those who question the value of these prizes; we think they must be hopeless of them, or must be governed by some interest momentarily superior.
Clementina pursued, "I know that you have had all you wanted of the wo"ld--"
"Oh, no!" the woman broke out, almost in anguish. "Not what I wanted!
What I tried for. It never gave me what I wanted. It--couldn"t!"
"Well?"
"It isn"t worth while in that sense. But if you can"t have what you want,--if there"s been a hollow left in your life--why the world goes a great way towards filling up the aching void." The tone of the last words was lighter than their meaning, but Clementina weighed them aright.
"Miss Milray," she said, pinching the edge of the table by which she sat, a little nervously, and banging her head a little, "I think I can have what I want."
"Then, give the whole world for it, child!"
"There is something I should like to tell you."
"Yes!"
"For you to advise me about."
"I will, my dear, gladly and truly!"
"He was here before you came. He asked me--"
Miss Milray gave a start of alarm. She said, to gain time: "How did he get here? I supposed he was in Germany with his--"
"No; he was here the whole of May."
"Mr. Gregory!"
"Mr. Gregory?" Clementina"s face flushed and drooped Still lower. "I meant Mr. Hinkle. But if you think I oughtn"t--"
"I don"t think anything; I"m so glad! I supposed from what you said about the world, that it must be--But if it isn"t, all the better. If it"s Mr. Hinkle that you can have--"
"I"m not sure I can. I should like to tell you just how it is, and then you will know." It needed fewer words for this than she expected, and then Clementina took a letter from her pocket, and gave it to Miss Milray. "He wrote it on the train, going away, and it"s not very plain; but I guess you can make it out."
Miss Milray received the penciled leaves, which seemed to be pages torn out of a note-book. They were dated the day Hinkle left Venice, and the envelope bore the postmark of Verona. They were not addressed, but began abruptly: "I believe I have made a mistake; I ought not to have given you up till I knew something that no one but you can tell me. You are not bound to any body unless you wish to be so. That is what I see now, and I will not give you up if I can help it. Even if you had made a promise, and then changed your mind, you would not be bound in such a thing as this. I say this, and I know you will not believe I say it because I want you. I do want you, but I would not urge you to break your faith. I only ask you to realize that if you kept your word when your heart had gone out of it, you would be breaking your faith; and if you broke your word you would be keeping your faith. But if your heart is still in your word, I have no more to say. n.o.body knows but you. I would get out and take the first train back to Venice if it were not for two things. I know it would be hard on me; and I am afraid it might be hard on you. But if you will write me a line at Milan, when you get this, or if you will write to me at London before July; or at New York at any time--for I expect to wait as long as I live--"
The letter ended here in the local addresses which the writer gave.
Miss Milray handed the leaves back to Clementina, who put them into her pocket, and apparently waited for her questions.
"And have you written?"
"No," said the girl, slowly and thoughtfully, "I haven"t. I wanted to, at fust; and then, I thought that if he truly meant what he said he would be willing to wait."
"And why did you want to wait?"
Clementina replied with a question of her own. "Miss Milray, what do you think about Mr. Gregory?"
"Oh, you mustn"t ask me that, my dear! I was afraid I had told you too plainly, the last time."
"I don"t mean about his letting me think he didn"t ca"e for me, so long.
But don"t you think he wants to do what is right! Mr. Gregory, I mean."
"Well, if you put me on my honor, I"m afraid I do."
"You see," Clementina resumed. "He was the fust one, and I did ca"e for him a great deal; and I might have gone on caring for him, if--When I found out that I didn"t care any longer, or so much, it seemed to me as if it must be wrong. Do you think it was?"
"No-no."
"When I got to thinking about some one else at fust it was only not thinking about him--I was ashamed. Then I tried to make out that I was too young in the fust place, to know whether I really ca"ed for any one in the right way; but after I made out that I was, I couldn"t feel exactly easy--and I"ve been wanting to ask you, Miss Milray--"
"Ask me anything you like, my dear!"
"Why, it"s only whether a person ought eva to change."
"We change whether we ought, or not. It isn"t a matter of duty, one way or another."
"Yes, but ought we to stop caring for somebody, when perhaps we shouldn"t if somebody else hadn"t come between? That is the question."
"No," Miss Milray retorted, "that isn"t at all the question. The question is which you want and whether you could get him. Whichever you want most it is right for you to have."
"Do you truly think so?"
"I do, indeed. This is the one thing in life where one may choose safest what one likes best; I mean if there is nothing bad in the man himself."
"I was afraid it would be wrong! That was what I meant by wanting to be fai"a with Mr. Gregory when I told you about him there in Florence. I don"t believe but what it had begun then."
"What had begun?"
"About Mr. Hinkle."
Miss Milray burst into a laugh. "Clementina, you"re delicious!" The girl looked hurt, and Miss Milray asked seriously, "Why do you like Mr.
Hinkle best--if you do?"
Clementina sighed. "Oh, I don"t know. He"s so resting."
"Then that settles it. From first to last, what we poor women want is rest. It would be a wicked thing for you to throw your life away on some one who would worry you out of it. I don"t wish to say any thing against Mr. Gregory. I dare say he is good--and conscientious; but life is a struggle, at the best, and it"s your duty to take the best chance for resting."
Clementina did not look altogether convinced, whether it was Miss Milray"s logic or her morality that failed to convince her. She said, after a moment, "I should like to see Mr. Gregory again."