October 8th 2013; 9:09pmA cold breeze blew past me bitterly, chilling me to my core as I opened the rusty iron gate; the earsplitting silence was impaled suddenly by the deathly shriek of an unseen crow. Overhead, dark greyish clouds cast the old cemetery into inky blackness; the cl.u.s.ters of water vapor tarnished out the full moon as they sailed on by.
Moving further into the cemetery, a fresh chill ran along my spine and I let out a shiver, slowly pulling my jacket tighter around me; the greyish white headstones were spread out, a spa.r.s.e decoration on the landscape before me. A stationary fog hung over the stones of the deceased eerily like a throttling but protective scabbard; it seemed to threaten those who dared disturb their eternal slumber.
The moonlight cast an eerie shadow on the path, so I headed down it, knowing exactly where I needed to go. When I found the row she was buried in, I broke off the path and sauntered carefully toward her tombstone.
"Hey Lolita"
My voice came out a tad bit reluctant as I stood before the stone, wrapping my arms around myself. Slowly, I lowered myself to the floor and sat parallel to the headstone.
Lolita Hunter; beloved daughter, sister and friend 1997-2013
I swallowed and glanced down nervously at my hands; this was the first time I had visited her grave since she had pa.s.sed away and I was finally beginning to see why I had stayed away.
Sighing, I glanced back up at the tombstone.
"Alex and I made up" I chuckled humorlessly and bit my lip, before realizing how that had sounded "we didn"t get back together or anything," I smiled "we"re just friends now"
It was the kind of silence that you could hear your heartbeat clearly; the kind where you feel everything in an instant yet you can see and hear nothing. I swallowed.
"I spoke to Angel and Rain today," I paused "don"t worry, we"re good" I sighed and ran my hands through my hair.
What was I doing?
"I asked them for advice and they said "what would Lolita do?"," I chuckled softly as I stared at the tombstone.
Silence. I exhaled heavily.
"Thing is, Avian"s being completely difficult," I scoffed "I know you"d probably tell me to stop being a baby and go talk to him"
There were quiet sounds of a hooting owl then, and I rubbed the gooseb.u.mps that had formed on my lower arm.
"How am I supposed to convince him that he should fight?" I ran my hands through my hair "fight to stay with his family…" I swallowed "with me?"
I glanced up then, staring at the empty sky as a lump rose in my throat.
"You"d probably tell me to respect his wishes," I dragged my gaze down and glared at the dirt "but deep inside, I don"t want to"
I sighed.
"I can"t lose him too."
Thunder crashed above me, lighting brightening up the sky as I sat before the headstone; the wind whispered then, as though carrying the faintest sounds of Lolita"s voice.
My eyes brimmed with tears.
"I miss you so much Lolita," I took in a deep breath as the tears fell "so much, it hurts"
The wind howled as the thunder crashed above, and I glanced down at my hands; they were covered in dirt.
"I"m so sorry," I sniffed and glanced up "It was all my fault; you were trying to protect me" I wiped my stained cheek as fresh tears fell freely "I"m the big sister; I should have been the one protecting you and I"m so sorry"
The tiniest drops of rain fell from the sky then and splattered on the gravestone and the dirt that surrounded me.
"I"m so sorry" I muttered.
The darkness engulfed me as I knelt before Lolita"s grave; I stared, not at the grave but at something that ran a lot deeper; a past only five months ago that seemed like a lifetime ago, a happier time. Gently, I reached out a finger and stroked the stone slowly, the raindrops falling softly on my face.
"Are you in there?" my voice trembled; a silent whisper that seemed to have been lost in the violent howling of the wind. A single tear streaked down my face then and I brushed it away automatically; my vision blurred as a swelling built up in my throat "Come back"
The tears were falling freely now as I spoke, my voice fading to a weak, feeble whimper. Slowly, I reached out and hugged the grave as though it were a person; as though it were her.
"I just want you to come back"
"Me too" I heard a voice and my head snapped up toward a looming dark shadow a few inches away; the figure approached me slowly, with a disheveled look and hands tucked into its pockets.
"Dad?" I stared in shock at my father, who stood next to me with a solemn look. Slowly, he sighed and joined me on the floor, not seeming to care about messing up his suit for once.
"I come here sometimes," he muttered, slowly running his hands through his hair "I talk to her too"
I said nothing, only stared at my father in shock.
He came here sometimes? When did that start? My father had always been a workaholic, and was always away at meetings or on business trips, so the fact that he had the time to visit Lolita"s grave was beyond me.
I smiled sadly.
My dad turned to me then and placed a finger softly on my cheek directly below my eye.
"You"re crying?" he stared at the tears in shock for a moment, before dragging his gaze to meet mine "you don"t cry"
"Yeah, well," I sniffed and wiped the tears off of my cheek "I seem to be doing it a lot lately" I paused "It sucks"
We both laughed then, and I glanced up at my dad; his eyes seemed to have sunk, as though they were filled with a deep sorrow.
He sighed and turned back to Lolita"s grave
"I failed her, Shay," my dad said, his voice breaking as he glanced at me "I failed you both and I am so sorry"
He started crying then; my father, the strict stern parent who never let anything bother him for longer than ten seconds was kneeling next to me, blubbering like a baby.
I didn"t know what to do.
Slowly, I reached over and rubbed his back soothingly; he glanced up at me then and my heart went out to him. I wasn"t the only one who had been affected deeply by Lolita"s death; my father had run away because he hadn"t been able to cope at all. While I had shielded myself from the harsh truth that was life by letting my imagination protect me, my father had done the opposite and had tried to avoid feeling anything at all. He"d run so he would not have to face the truth; to face the fact that Lolita was dead.
I sighed and smiled softly at my father, before wrapping my arms around him; he froze, completely shocked at first before slowly melting and throwing his arms around me in a tight embrace.
"I forgive you, dad"
Those four words that I had sworn countless of times I would never speak out loud, had come rushing out of my mouth as easy as it had been for me to tell Avian that I was in love with him. I had forgiven my dad for everything that he"d done; and it felt amazing. It was incredibly liberating!
"I love you Shay"
I stared at the ground when I heard my dad whisper those words to me softly. It was as though my dad had sworn to never repeat those words since I had turned five because I hadn"t heard them from him in that long. I laughed softly, the tears running down my face and onto the jacket of his black monkey suit; I closed my eyes and buried my face in his shoulder.
"I love you too, dad."