And you know what?
Everything is okay.
When they announced that Sean had won this year"s award for Best Actor, I looked at my dad and he was genuinely happy for his best friend.
But more importantly, I looked at my dad and saw he was genuinely happy in general.
So was I.
Even better was the fact that, as we looked at each other, I knew we were thinking the same thing. We were happy. We"d survived.
We didn"t need a little bald gold man to tell us that.
You know what else I realized later, after we finally left the parties where Dad had to put in an appearance, and met up with Izzy and Modesta back at Jasper"s house? I didn"t need my list anymore either.
Oh, don"t get me wrong. I"m not throwing it away. It"s a wonderful reminder of all I have to be grateful for. But as I stood there, overflowing with happiness, accepting a kiss from my smart, funny boyfriend, I knew there were too many reasons to write down.
Having a tribe of good family and friends Helping someone Accepting help yourself Forgiving someone Forgiving yourself Someone snapped a picture of me with Jasper. Feeling beautiful.
So, so many reasons right here in this room.
b.u.t.tered popcorn Theme parties Jasper"s big fat cat Jazz The Parmesan-artichoke dip Jasper"s mom makes Putting on a pair of cozy jeans after being dressed up too long Sitting with a bunch of friends snuggled on a couch with your legs all entwined But the most important one? Knowing who you are.
"Hey, we should make a toast!" I called. I raised my Sprite. "In Modesta"s beautiful words, here"s to "leading our world into a better place.""
Making a difference.
Have I put Kissing on my list?
Let"s not forget kissing.
1. Swimming with dolphins.
2. Outrunning a forest fire.
3. A hot air balloon ride.
4. Seeing a shark fin while surfing but making it back to the sh.o.r.e intact 5. Hiking by moonlight 6. Making lists.
7. Jumping on a trampoline in the rain 8. Ghost stories 9. Painting your toenails.
10. Winning a race 11. Dark chocolate melting in your mouth 12. Pad Thai so spicy hot it makes your nose run 13. The way frosted gra.s.s crunches under your feet.
14. Big wool sweaters 15. Exploring attics and bas.e.m.e.nts.
16. Fang-like icicles that make whole houses look like monster mouths 17. The way a knitted scarf gets crusty with ice when you breathe through it while you"re sledding 18. Making snow angels 19. The Styrofoam squeak your shoes make on really cold snow.
20. The smell of Band-Aids 21. Cat purr vibrating through your skin 22. Hiking with Dad up on Arroyo Seco and seeing a mountain lion at dusk 23. Vampires.
24. Playing with the rubbery residue after you let glue dry on your fingers 25. Running my hands through a barrel of beads 26. The way your skin smells when you"ve been in the sun.
27. Pirates 28. Aunt Izzy"s purple house 29. An ice cream cone on a really hot day.
30. Ice cold milk and Oreo cookies 31. Rainbows 32. Naps just because you have time to take them.
33. Tandem bikes 34. Postcards from friends in cool places 35. Beach gla.s.s 36. Orange bougainvillea 37. Really great thrift stores 38. Chocolate-dipped strawberries 39. Rock climbing 40. The way ducks sound like they"re chuckling 41. The scent of vanilla 42. Revenge movies 43. The word "peevish" (I just like it) 44. Manatees 45. The way patriotic marches played by whole orchestras make me feel like I"m going to cry 46. Flannel sheets 47. Wearing pajamas to school 48. The word "serendipity"
49. Finding surprise stuff inside boxes at yard sales 50. Cashmere against your skin 51. Sleeping in on rainy mornings 52. Real whipping cream 53. Silly Putty 54. Slinkies 55. Hammocks 56. Running hurdles when you hit your stride just right 57. Icing sugar cookies 58. Lemon meringue pie 59. Gnawing on b.u.t.tery crab legs, feeling like a real carnivore 60. Catching a fish 61. Old-fashioned keys (and wondering what they open) 62. Sun through stained gla.s.s windows 63. Blowing soap bubbles 64. Blowing bubblegum bubbles 65. Those great vivid first seconds of a brand new piece of bubblegum 66. Finally seeing a trailer for a movie you"ve been waiting for 67. That screeching sound of packing tape 68. Dogs wearing sweaters 69. Finger painting (especially when you know you"re "too old" to be doing it) 70. The smell of Play-Doh 71. Sand under your bare feet 72. Seeing a shooting star 73. Riding the front car of a roller coaster 74. Raw cookie dough 75. Glitter 76. Watching doc.u.mentaries 77. Root beer floats 78. The smell of crayons 79. Blowing out birthday candles 80. Extra stuff after the credits at the movies 81. Those cool old-fashioned diaries with locks and keys 82. Popping bubble wrap 83. Autumn leaves changing color 84. Haunted houses 85. Making jack-o"-lanterns 86. Trick-or-treating 87. Wearing a costume 88. The scuttle sound autumn leaves make on the sidewalk 89. Getting yourself all freaked out after a scary movie 90. Warm, fluffy towels straight out of the dryer 91. The skin on top of pudding 92. That smell when the first drops of rain hit concrete 93. Dancing like an idiot when no one is watching 94. Cinnamon and sugar on b.u.t.ter-soggy toast 95. Rubbing velvet the wrong way 96. Remembering dreams 97. Playing hooky with Mom 98. Catching a snowflake on your tongue 99. Laughing so hard you cry 100. Lambs 101. The sound of water lapping on the sh.o.r.e 102. The way Mom gave me b.u.t.terfly kisses with her eyelashes when I was little 103. That lemon meringue lotion she used, so she always smelled like dessert 104. The way she called me beautiful 105. The way she"d actually listen 106. Mom"s smile when I walked into the room 107. The way she called me Hannah Banana 108. The look on her face the times I watched her studying my cities when she didn"t know I was looking 109. Our beach gla.s.s door frame in moonlight 110. Mom"s dorky birthday poems 111. The way Mom sang off-key to the car radio 112. The way Mom always smiled and never rushed her fans when they approached her 113. Dreams where my mom is still alive and healthy 114. BLUE ICING!.
115. Being safe 116. Having a home 117. Never having been physically harmed by anyone 118. Having my entire body intact 119. The sounds of the rain forest at night 120. Fresh, hot (from the sun) pineapple out of the sh.e.l.l 121. Friends you can trust 122. Children singing in another language 123. Doing something you haven"t done in a really long time that you"ve really missed 124. Having more than you need 125. Seeing an elephant (not in a zoo) 126. Drum music 127. Weaver birds 128. That mouthwatering, stomach-growling aroma of grilling meat 129. Kissing 130. Perfect, unique, special personal gifts 131. A good run when you feel like you"re floating 132. Being in love 133. Kissing 134. Finding a live starfish and tossing it back in the water before it"s too late 135. Watching Dad bake fresh bread 136. The aroma of rosemary 137. Finding money you forgot about in your coat pocket 138. Sprinkles Cupcakes in Beverly Hills 139. Sun-dried laundry 140. The cool side of the pillow 141. Snapdragons 142. Girl Scout cookies 143. Spending hours in a book store 144. Receiving handwritten, personal mail 145. Receiving handwritten, personal mail from a foreign country 146. Sunday morning waffles 147. Fun jitters on race days 148. Hiking in the rain 149. Sleeping under the stars 150. Picnics 151. Polka dots 152. The smell of leather 153. Working your b.u.t.t off for a test, then acing it 154. Cute videos of kittens when you"re having a stressful day 155. Fireworks 156. When your favorite song comes on in the car 157. White water rafting 158. Building sand castles 159. Indian food 160. Learning to make Indian food yourself 161. Learning a foreign language 162. The sound of anyone speaking Italian 163. Making homemade ice cream 164. Dr. Seuss 165. Cool museums 166. Splashing in puddles 167. Field trips from school!
168. Really good hair days 169. Beating your personal best in track 170. Sitting in a hot tub after running 171. Full body ma.s.sages 172. Pumpkin pie 173. Roasting marshmallows over a campfire 174. Old photo alb.u.ms 175. Puppies 176. The aroma of coffee 177. Hot cocoa with little marshmallows 178. Watching old black-and-white movies 179. Cotton candy 180. Ferris wheels 181. Henna tattoos 182. Finding a four-leaf clover 183. Love letters 184. Feeling strong 185. Trapeze artists 186. Homemade Valentines 187. Eating with chopsticks 188. Sushi 189. Wasabi 190. Holding Sean and Laila"s newborn baby 191. The sound of a baby laughing 192. The sound of my father laughing 193. Watching the Olympics 194. The thick, sweet syrup at the bottom of a Sno-Cone 195. Eating peanuts at a baseball game 196. Jasper"s music 197. Good movie versions of your favorite books 198. When dewdrops hang on spider webs and look like diamonds 199. New Year"s resolutions 200. A kiss at midnight on New Year"s Eve.
201. Fog 202. People-watching in airports.
203. People-watching at zoos 204. That sweet antic.i.p.ation waiting to see someone you love in an airport Having a tribe of good family and friends.
Helping someone Accepting help yourself.
Forgiving someone Forgiving yourself.
Feeling beautiful b.u.t.tered popcorn Theme parties Jasper"s big fat cat Jazz The Parmesan-artichoke dip Jasper"s mom makes Putting on a pair of cozy jeans after being dressed up too long Sitting with a bunch of friends snuggled on a couch with your legs all entwined.
Making a difference.
Kissing.
My Reasons to Be Grateful (in no particular order): 1. My wonderful parents, Butch and Beverly Kittle, for instilling in me a love of reading, words, and books.
2. My supportive sister Monica, her husband Rick, and my smart, funny niece and nephew. Amy and Nathan never cease to amaze and inspire me with their creativity.
3. Lisa Bankoff, the best agent an author could ever dream of having. She has enriched my life in many ways beyond our professional relationship and introduced me to a new reason to be happy: heated mattress covers. (Life changing!) 4. Daniel Kirschen and Tina Wexler, also at ICM, for their expertise and efforts on my behalf.
5. Rebecca Frazer, dream editor, at Sourcebooks Jabberwocky; thank you for your pa.s.sion and belief in Hannah and her world.
6. Todd Stocke, Aubrey Poole, Kristin Zelazko, Kelly Barrales-Saylor, Gretchen Stelter, and so many others in my Sourcebooks family, for your loving shepherding of this book into the world.
7. Dr. Diana G. Ackerly, who helped me understand bulimia and its treatment.
8. Bill Glisson (best boss I ever had), then princ.i.p.al of the Miami Valley Middle School, who let me travel with him and eight students for three weeks in Ghana that altered my life.
9. Sharyn November, editor extraordinaire, who wrote to me after reading The Kindness of Strangers, asking if I"d ever considered writing for a younger audience because she loved Jordan"s and Nate"s voices. At the time, I hadn"t. This is all your fault. :-) 10. All of my former students at Centerville High School and the Miami Valley School, for challenging me, inspiring me, and teaching me as much as I ever taught you. I"d like to especially thank the MVS students who partic.i.p.ated in the daily "Reasons to Be Happy" list on my whiteboard. You"ll find many of your contributions in this book. Special love and thanks to Ellen, Libbi, and Claire.
11. Brooklyn, where I lived while writing this book. Beloved borough, you too altered my life.
12. Rachel Moulton, amazing friend and writer, first and last reader of all ma.n.u.scripts. Thank you for believing in this story when I had stopped. And for the rock story. And for all the lattes. And for seeing some reeeeally bad movies with me and still calling me friend.
13. The Antioch Writers" Workshop, for over a decade now of inspiration and community.
14. Culture Works, for two sustaining individual artist fellowships.
15. My incredible tribe of family-aunts, uncles, cousins, Nana-and cherished friends, both near and far. I am lucky.
Katrina Kittle"s reasons to be happy include:.
1. her overflowing garden in Dayton, Ohio, 2. her fat cat, Joey, 3. coffee, 4. dark chocolate, 5. zombie movies, and.
6. starting every morning in her writing office, doing what she loves most.
She once had a goat under her bed in Ghana. She is the author of four other novels. You can visit her website at www.katrinakittle.com.