But perhaps it is a mistake to feel compa.s.sion for persons like Hester, for if they have many evil days and weeks in their usually short lives, they have also moments of sheer bliss, hours of awed contemplation and of exquisite rapture which, possibly, in the long run, equal the more solid joys of a good income and a good digestion, nay, even the perennial glow of that happiest of happy temperaments which limits the nature of others by its own, which sees no uncomfortable difference between a moral and a legal right, and believes it can measure life with the same admirable accuracy with which it measures its drawing-room curtains.
As Hester and Rachel sat together in the Vicarage drawing-room, Rachel"s faithful, doglike eyes detected no trace of tears in Hester"s dancing, mischievous ones. They were alone, for the Bishop had dropped Rachel on his way to visit a sick clergyman, and had arranged to call at the Vicarage on his way back.
Hester quickly perceived that Rachel did not wish to talk of herself, and drew a quaint picture of her own life at Warpington, which she described "not wisely but too well." But she was faithful to her salt.
She said nothing of the Gresleys to which those worthies could have objected had they been present. Indeed, she spoke of them in what they would have termed "a very proper manner," of their kindness to her when she had been ill, of how Mr. Gresley had himself brought up her breakfast-tray every morning, and how, in the spring, he had taught her to bicycle.
"But, oh! Rachel," added Hester, "during the last nine months my self-esteem has been perforated with wounds, each large enough to kill the poor creature. My life here has shown me horrible faults in myself of which I never dreamed. I feel as if I had been ironed all over since I came here, and all kinds of ugly words in invisible ink are coming out clear in the process."
"I am quite alarmed," said Rachel, tranquilly.
"You ought to be. First of all I did think I cared nothing about food. I don"t remember ever giving it a thought when I lived with Aunt Susan.
But here I--I am difficult about it. I do try to eat it, but often I really can"t. And then I leave it on my plate, which is a disgusting habit, which always offends me in other people. Now I am as bad as any of them; indeed, it is worse in me because I know poor James is not very rich."
"I suppose the cooking is vile?"
"I don"t know. I never noticed what I ate till I came here, so I can"t judge. Perhaps it is not very good. But the dreadful part is that I should mind. I could not have believed it of myself. James and Minna never say anything, but I know it vexes them, as of course it must."
Rachel looked critically at Hester"s innocent, childlike face. When Hester was not a cultivated woman of the world she was a child. There was, alas! no medium in her character. Rachel noticed how thin her face and hands had become, and the strained look in the eyes. The faint color in her cheek had a violet tinge.
She did not waste words on the cookery question. She saw plainly enough that Hester"s weak health was slipping further down the hill.
"And all this time you have been working?"
"If you call it working. I used to call it so once, but I never do now.
Yes, I manage about four hours a day. I have made another pleasant discovery about myself--that I have the temper of a fiend if I am interrupted."
"But surely you told the Gresleys when first you came that you must not be interrupted at certain hours?"
"I did. I did. But, of course--it is very natural--they think that rather self-important and silly. I am thought very silly here, Rachel.
And James does not mind being interrupted in writing his sermons. And the Pratts have got the habit of running in in the mornings."
"Who on earth are the Pratts?"
"They are what _they_ call "county people." Their father made a fortune in oil, and built a house covered with turrets near here a few years ago. I used to know Captain Pratt, the son, very slightly in London. I never would dance with him. He used to come to our "At Homes," but he was never asked to dinner. He is a great "parti" among a certain set down here. His mother and sisters were very kind to me when I came, but I was not so accustomed then as I am now to be treated familiarly and called "Hessie," which no one has ever called me before, and I am afraid I was not so responsive as I see now I ought to have been. Down here it seems your friends are the people whom you live near, not the ones you like. It seems a curious arrangement. And as the Pratts are James"s and Minna"s greatest friends, I did not wish to offend them. And then, of course, I did offend them mortally at last by losing my temper when they came up to my room to what they called "rout me out," though I had told them I was busy in the mornings. I was in a very difficult place, and when they came in I did not know who they were, because only the people in the book were real just then. And then when I recognized them, and the scene in my mind which I had been waiting for for weeks was shattered like a pane of gla.s.s, I became quite giddy and spoke wildly.
And then--I was so ashamed afterwards--I burst into tears of rage and despair."
Even the remembrance was too much. Hester wiped away two large tears onto a dear little handkerchief just large enough to receive them, and went on with a quaver in her voice.
"I was so shocked at myself that I found it quite easy to tell them next day that I was sorry I had lost my temper; but they have not been the same since. Not that I wanted them to be the same. I would rather they were different. But I was anxious to keep on cordial terms with Minna"s friends. She quarrels with them herself, but that is different. I suppose it is inevitable if you are on terms of great intimacy with people you don"t really care for."
"At any rate, _they_ have not interrupted you again?"
"N--no. But still, I was often interrupted. Minna has too much to do, and she is not strong just now, and she often sends up one of the children, and I was so nearly fierce with one of them--poor little things!--that I felt the risk was becoming too great, so I have left off writing between breakfast and luncheon, and I get up directly it is light instead. It is light very early now. Only the worst part of it is that I am so tired for the rest of the day that I can hardly drag myself about."
Rachel said nothing. She seldom commented on the confidences that were made to her. She saw that Hester, always delicate, was making an enormous effort under conditions which would be certain to entail disastrous effects on her health. The book was sapping her strength like a vampire, and the Gresleys were evidently exhausting it still further by unconsciously strewing her path with difficulties. Rachel did not know them, but she supposed they belonged to that large cla.s.s whose eyes are holden.
"And the book itself? Is it nearly finished?"
Hester"s face changed. Eagerly, shyly, enthusiastically she talked to her friend about the book, as a young girl talks of her lover.
Everything else was forgotten. Hester"s eyes burned. Her color came and went. She was transfigured.
The protecting, anxious affection died out of Rachel"s face as she looked at Hester, and gave place to a certain wistful, half-envious admiration. She had once been shaken by all these emotions herself, years ago, when she was in love. She had regarded them as a revelation while they lasted; and afterwards, as a steep step--a very steep step--upon the stair of life. But she realized now that such as Hester live constantly in the world which the greater number of us can only enter when human pa.s.sion lends us the key; the world at which, when the gates are shut against us, the coa.r.s.er minded among us are not ashamed to level their ridicule and contempt.
Hester spoke brokenly with awe and reverence of her book, as of some mighty presence, some constraining power outside herself. She saw it complete, beautiful--an entrancing vision, inaccessible, as a sunset.
"I cannot reach up to it. I cannot get near it," she said. "When I try to write it, it is like drawing an angel with spread wings with a bit of charcoal. I understate everything. Yet I labor day by day travestying it, caricaturing the beautiful thoughts that come into my mind. I make everything commonplace and vulgar by putting it into words. I go alone into the woods and sit for hours quite still with the trees. And gradually I understand and know. And I listen, and Nature speaks, really speaks--not a _facon de parler_, as some people think who explain to you that you mean this or that by your words which you don"t mean--and her spirit becomes one with my spirit. And I feel I can never again misunderstand her, never again fail to interpret her, never again wander so far away from her that every white anemone and every seedling fern disowns me, and waits in silence till the alien has gone from among them. And I come home, Rachel, and I try, sometimes I try for half the night, to find words to translate it into. But there are no words, or, if there are, I cannot find them, and at last I fall back on some coa.r.s.e simile, and in my despair I write it down. And, oh! Rachel, the worst is that presently, when I have forgotten what it ought to have been, when the vision fades, I know I shall _admire_ what I have written. It is that that breaks my heart."
The old, old lament of those who worship art, that sternest mistress in the world, fell into the silence of the little drawing-room. Rachel understood it in part only, for she had always vaguely felt that Hester idealized Nature, as she idealized her fellow-creatures, as she idealized everything, and she did not comprehend why Hester was in despair because she could not speak adequately of Life or Nature as she saw them. Rachel thought, with bewilderment, that that was just what she could do.
At this moment a carriage drew up at the door, and after a long interval, during which the wrathful voice of the cook could be distinctly heard through the kitchen window recalling "Hemma" to a sense of duty from the back yard, "Hemma" breathlessly ushered in the Bishop of Southminster.
CHAPTER XIII
Originality irritates the religious cla.s.ses, who will not be taken out of their indolent ways of thinking; who have a standing grievance against it, and "heresy" and "heterodoxy" are bad words ready for it.--W.W. PEYTON.
The Bishop was an undersized, spare man, with a rugged, weather-beaten face and sinewy frame. If you had seen him working a crane in a stone-mason"s yard, or leading a cut-and-thrust forlorn-hope, or sailing paper boats with a child, you would have felt he was the right man in the right place. That he was also in his right place as a bishop had never been doubted by any one. Mr. Gresley was the only person who had occasionally had misgivings as to the Bishop"s vocation as a true priest, but he had put them aside as disloyal.
Jowett is believed to have said, "A bishop without a sense of humor is lost." Perhaps that may have been one of the reasons why, by Jowett"s advice, the See of Southminster was offered to its present occupant. The Bishop"s mouth, though it spoke of an indomitable will, had a certain twist of the lip, his deep-set, benevolent eyes had a certain twinkle which made persons like Lord Newhaven and Hester hail him at once as an ally, but which ought to have been a danger-signal to some of his clerical brethren--to Mr. Gresley in particular.
The Bishop respected and upheld Mr. Gresley as a clergyman, but as a conversationalist the young vicar wearied him. If the truth were known (which it never was), he had arranged to visit Hester when he knew Mr.
Gresley would be engaging the reluctant attention of a rurideca.n.a.l meeting.
He gave a sigh of relief as he became aware that Hester and Rachel were the only occupants of the cool, darkened room. Mrs. Gresley, it seemed, was also out.
Hester made tea, and presently the Bishop, who looked much exhausted, roused himself. He had that afternoon attended two death-beds--one the death-bed of a friend, and the other that of the last vestige of peace, expiring amid the clamor of a distracted Low Church parish and High Church parson, who could only meet each other after the fashion of cymbals. For the moment even his courageous spirit had been disheartened.
"I met a son of Anak the other night at the Newhavens"," he said to Hester, "who claimed you as a cousin--a Mr. Richard Vernon. He broke the ice by informing me that I had confirmed him, and that perhaps I should like to know that he had turned out better than he expected."
"How like d.i.c.k!" said Hester.
"I remembered him at last. His father was the squire of Farlow, where I was rector before I came to Southminster. d.i.c.k was not a source of unmixed pleasure to his parents. As a boy of eight he sowed the parental billiard-table with mustard and cress in his father"s absence, and raised a very good crop, and performed other excruciating experiments. I believe he beat all previous records of birch rods at Eton. I remember while he was there he won a bet from another boy who could not pay, and he foreclosed on the loser"s cricketing trousers. His parents were distressed about it when he brought them home, and I tried to make him see that he ought not to have taken them. But d.i.c.k held firm. He said it was like t.i.the, and if he could not get his own in money, as I did, he must collect it in trousers. I must own he had me there. I noticed that he wore the garment daily as long as any question remained in his parents" minds as to whether they ought to be returned. After that I felt sure he would succeed in life."
"I believe he is succeeding in Australia."
"I advised his father to send him abroad. There really was not room for him in England, and, unfortunately for the army, the examiners jibbed at his strictly phonetic spelling. He tells me he has given up being an A.D.C. and has taken to vine-growing, because if people are up in the world they always drink freely, and if they are "down on their luck"
they drink all the more to drown care. The reasoning appeared to me sound."
"He and James used to quarrel frightfully in the holidays," said Hester.
"It was always the same reason, about playing fair. Poor James did not know that games were matters of deadly importance, and that a rule was a sacred thing. I wonder why it is that clergymen so often have the same code of honor as women; quite a different code from that of the average man."
"I think," said the Bishop, "it is owing to that difference of code that women clash so hopelessly with men when they attempt to compete or work with them. Women have not to begin with the _esprit de corps_ which the most ordinary men possess. With what difficulty can one squeeze out of a man any fact that is detrimental to his friend, or even to his acquaintance, however obviously necessary it may be that the information should be asked for and given. Yet I have known many good and earnest and affectionate women, who lead unselfish lives, who will "give away"
their best woman friend at the smallest provocation, or without any provocation at all; will inform you, _a propos_ of nothing, that she was jilted years ago, or that her husband married her for her money. The causes of humiliation and disaster in a woman"s life seem to have no sacredness for her women friends. Yet if that same friend whom she has run down is ill, the runner down will nurse her day and night with absolutely selfless devotion."
"I have often been puzzled by that," said Rachel. "I seem to be always making mistakes about women, and perhaps that is the reason. They show themselves capable of some deep affection or some great self-sacrifice, and I respect and admire them, and think they are like that all through. And the day comes when they are not quite straightforward, or are guilty of some petty meanness, which a man who is not fit to black their boots would never stoop to."