Gradually a dim light dawned in Kari"s heart, and she remembered the holy rea.s.surance she"d felt the other day, the message! from the radio.
Do not be afraid ... I will be with you. I will defend you.
Kari sniffled and drew back, studying her mother, praying she would understand.
"Mom . . . you get it, don"t you? Why I want my marriage to work?"
Her mother smoothed her hand over Kari"s hair. "Shhh, baby ... it"s okay." Her mother was crying now too. "Of course I get it. You want to do things G.o.d"s way, and G.o.d will honor that. We"d love nothing more than to see your marriage work, Kari. You have our support, no matter what happens."
Kari managed the briefest smile because she knew it was true. No matter what others might say or feel about Kari"s decisions, her parents would stand by her.
It was what the Baxter family was all about.
The directions on the pregnancy test kit suggested that an early-morning test would yield the best results. So she had set the kit aside until morning.
She was in the backseat of her parents" car and halfway to church before she realized she hadn"t taken the test.
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It wasn"t merely a matter of forgetting, obviously. There was something final about taking the test, something Kari wasn"t ready to face.
The view out of the car window provided a well-needed distraction for the fears jockeying for position in her soul. She stared at the familiar farms and billboards while her parents chatted in the front seat.
She had mixed feelings about going to church today. It would be her first time since Tim moved out. A few days after he left, Kari had called the church and explained that she wouldn"t be able to teach Sunday school or sing in the choir for some time. When the church secretary asked if anything was wrong, Kari had said only that something had come up.
A part of her desperately wanted anonymity in this, her greatest season of grief and pain. But the desire to be surrounded by people who loved her and would pray for her was greater than her need for solitude. Besides, she"d sat around her parents" house acting paralyzed long enough. It was time to seek help, time to talk to Pastor Mark and arrange for counseling.
So she had decided to go this morning.
There was an expectant silence in the car, and Kari thought back to what she"d overheard her brother say in the kitchen earlier this morning. Kari had been coming down the stairs, anxious for crackers or something to stave off the constant nausea, when her brother"s voice stopped her.
"What is it about my sisters?" The ring of indignation in Luke"s voice surprised her. She and Luke had always shared easy laughter and mutual admiration, a bond that had never been threatened over the years. But this morning he sounded more fed up than fun loving. It was a side of her brother Kari hadn"t seen before.
"Be quiet, Luke; she"ll hear you." It was her mom, her hissing voice so low it was difficult to make out her words above the sounds of whatever she was cooking. "There was nothing Kari could have done about this, and you know it."
92 "I"m just saying," Luke"s voice was only slightly quieter, "you"d think being raised in a family like ours, they might have made better choices."
They? Kari wrinkled her brows and dropped down two more "steps so she wouldn"t miss her mother"s side of the conversation. "Ashley and Kari are nothing alike.
I think Kari would be hurt if she heard you say that."
"Okay, then at least get rid of the guy." Luke let loose an angry chuckle. "I mean, anyone who"s doing what that jerk is doing shouldn"t have the option of staying married to her."
Her mother stopped stirring, and there was silence for a moment. "You don"t know the details, Luke. They"re none of your business."
"Yes, Mother, I do know the details. I heard Kari and Ashley talking about it.
The guy"s living with his student girlfriend, he wants a divorce, he doesn"t love my sister anymore." His voice fell flat. "But somehow Kari wants to give him a chance?" Luke uttered another laugh that was void of humor. "Even G.o.d wouldn"t ask that of her."
There. That sounded more like Luke. He was upset and frustrated, but only because he cared. Kari slumped slightly against the wall and waited.
"She"s doing what she thinks G.o.d wants her to do." Kari strained to listen.
"She"s asked only one thing from the rest of us." Luke was eating something, and he spoke with his mouth full.
"Mmm. What"s that? Invite the guy over for Sunday dinner so we can all tell him how much we"ve missed him?"
Mother exhaled, and even from her hiding place Kari thought she sounded old and sad. Very sad. Oh, Mom, I never wanted to bring this on you.... G.o.d, help me know what to do. Maybe I shouldn"t even be here. Maybe I should go home and"She wants our understanding." Her mother"s tone became pointed. "Which is something you"ve never once given Ashley." "Don"t lay that on me. I wasn"t the one who turned into some
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freak overnight. Ashley hasn"t been the same since she got back from Paris, and that isn"t my fault."
"Okay, fine. But this isn"t about Ashley; it"s about Kari. You and Kari have always loved each other, Luke. Always been there for each other. If you can"t find it in your heart to support her now. 1 couldn"t bear it any more than Kari could. That"s all I"m saying."
Kari wasn"t sure if she had been afraid of his response or eager to stop their conversation, but she took a few purposefully loud steps and turned the corner into the kitchen. "Hey, everyone." She ignored the nausea and forced a smile at her mother as she came up behind Luke and slipped an arm around his shoulder.
"Good morning, little brother."
They ate their breakfast without further discussion of Kari"s predicament or the degree of wisdom in her choices. Still, she sensed something different about Luke. Something missing from the easy relationship they"d always shared. As if his opinion of her had slipped.
Whatever it was, it made Kari want to crawl in a hole and cry for a hundred days.
Instead, she had finished breakfast, helped take care of the dishes, and gotten dressed for church. And had become so absorbed in getting ready that she forgot to take the pregnancy test.
Or hadn"t really wanted to in the first place.
At any rate, now she was halfway to church and wondering if she was crazy for going. Normally she and Tim attended on their own, and more often than not in the past year, Tim had begged off from going because he had papers to grade. Not until she learned of his affair did his absence at church finally make sense.
Kari clenched her teeth and tried not to think about Tim. Not now.
She glanced behind her and saw Luke"s truck. He had plans after the service and needed his own transportation. Their youngest 94 sister, Erin, and her husband, Sam, would meet them at church. Brooke and Ashley attended only on holidays, and always then.
Kari sighed quietly.
Of the five Baxter children, only Kari, Luke, and Erin adopted their parents"
faith. As the car neared the church her family had attended since she and her siblings were children, Kari"s heart hurt at the realization. The families they"d grown up with at Clear Creek Community Church knew about Ashley falling away and Brooke"s independence. They had to know that John and Elizabeth Baxter grieved the way their close-knit family was no longer bound by their beliefs.
Kari smiled at little Cole, belted into his car seat. Ashley had been out with her artist friends the night before, and Cole had slept at Grammy and Papa"s, as he called them.
"You nervous?" John Baxter peered into the rear view mirror and Kari could have cried at the compa.s.sion in his eyes. Her father had been her champion as far back as she could remember and clearly this time in her life would be no different.
"A little."
Her mom turned slightly in her seat, her eyes noticeably softer than they had been moments earlier when she was hurrying them into the car. "There"s not a person there who doesn"t love you, Kari. You know that."
Kari nodded and felt a wave of tears straining to get free. She blinked them back. "It"s not like I"m going to stand up and announce it to the congregation.
But I need to tell Pastor Mark And people are bound to find out. I feel like it"s written all over my face."
Dad turned into the church parking lot, and a batch of b.u.t.ter flies took over Kari"s gut. "Everyone has issues, sweetheart.] Families don"t get through life without a little sadness."
There it was. The kind of beauty-from-ashes thinking her father was famous for.
As if he knew exactly how terrible she felt about the shame and pity her situation would bring on the
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Baxter name. His words washed over Kari"s soul and somehow made her feel fresher, renewed.
Families don"t get through life without a little sadness.
She reached forward and gently squeezed her father"s shoulders. "Thanks, Dad."
Cole had been taking in the exchange, and he c.o.c.ked his head at Kari. "Are you sad, Aunt Kari? Because I can share my ball with you if you"re sad."
A peal of laughter escaped Kari"s swollen throat, and it seemed to relieve the tension in the car. "No, sweetie, I"m not sad. You keep the ball, okay?"
Cole nodded, his eyes wide. "Okay. But if you ever get sad, just tell me. I"ll give you my ball, and you won"t be sad ever anymore."
Kari smiled. If only it were that easy. "Thanks, Cole. Now come on, let"s get inside."
Something about the way Pastor Mark Atteberry preached always lifted Kari"s spirits. It didn"t matter if he was warning the congregation against stubborn sin or reminding them about the surprises of G.o.d"s grace. What he said was seasoned with laughter and unforgettable stories that almost weekly moved the congregation to tears. Generally people who heard his messages sat spellbound, knowing that the words Pastor Mark delivered were the very ones they needed-regardless of where they had been or where they were headed the coming week.
Kari was certain today would be no different, and she silently chided herself for not coming sooner. So what if she broke down and cried? Wasn"t that what church family was about? Pastor Mark had married her and Tim, after all. He"d known the Baxter family since he and his wife, Marilyn, had come as a young energetic couple and started the church twenty years earlier. He"d seen them through her parents" struggles back in the mid-eighties 96 and then with her mom"s cancer. The family at Clear Creek Community Church had watched the Baxter kids grow up.
Where else could she possibly want to be? Besides, being here was better than sitting at home convincing herself she was too heartsick to go.
Kari walked with her mother and tried to remember the last time Tim had accompanied her to church. Three months back, at least-early summer, maybe.
Hadn"t she sensed something was wrong back then? Hadn"t she wondered if Tim was listening to the sermon or if he even wanted to be there?
"I"ll check Cole in." Kari took the child"s hand and smiled at her mother. "Save me a seat."
The church was sprawled out in a series of buildings. The sanctuary and fellowship hall made up the largest structure. Sunday school cla.s.ses for primary children met in a separate building, teens in another, and adults in still another. As Kari and Cole entered the primary building and headed toward the open door of Cole"s cla.s.sroom, Noreen Winning stuck her head out and squealed.
"Kari Baxter! I can"t believe it! How long"s it been?"
Noreen and Kari had been in the same grade growing up and had always shared a Sunday school cla.s.s. A few weeks back Elizabeth Baxter had mentioned that Noreen, her husband, and their daughter had moved back to Bloomington. Kari hugged her and smiled. "Two years at least. And it"s Kari Jacobs."
"That"s right. You married a professor, didn"t you? Your mother told me. Tim, is it?"
"Yes. Tim teaches at the university."
"I"m this little guy"s Sunday school teacher. Filling in for the day." Noreen bent down and tousled Cole"s curly blond hair. She leaned close to Kari and lowered her voice. "Ashley"s little boy, right? He looks more like his mother every day."
Kari studied Cole"s fine features and delicate cheekbones and nodded. Though they"d all been blessed with nice looks, Ashley was easily the most striking of the Baxter girls. Her son was a 97 male mirror image of her. Kari bit her lip. "I wish Ashley would come."
Noreen shook her head as if she"d just been given tragic news that could have been avoided. "I hear she hasn"t been the same since-"
"Since coming home from Paris ... I know." For some reason, Kari was bothered by Noreen"s tone. Leave her alone, Noreen. She"s my sister.
Noreen looked both directions and then pointedly at Kari. "Well, do I get to meet this Tim?"
Here we go. Kari drew a deep breath. Her eyes dropped and then lifted again as she spoke. "He didn"t come."
Noreen c.o.c.ked her head slightly, searching Kari"s eyes. "Everything"s okay, right?"
"Not really." Kari could hear the weariness in her voice. "Not really. I"m staying with my folks for a while." She studied the toe of her shoe and blinked back tears as she absently twisted her wedding ring, "Tim and I are having some trouble."
Noreen stopped short of gasping, but her wide eyes expressed her shock. "What happened?"
Noreen had always probed beyond what was kind, and this was no exception.
Get me out of here, G.o.d.
My grace is sufficient for you, daughter.
Kari blinked twice. Since the beginning of this ordeal, this time of pain, G.o.d seemed to be promising her deliverance and "peace. But this ... grace is sufficient? What do you want from me, Lord?
Much. Much? "Uh-" Kari cleared her throat and tried to focus on Noreen"s question. "It"s a long story. He"s not ... walking with the Lord." Noreen"s eyes grew even wider, if that were possible. "Oh, Kari. How did it happen?"
Kari wanted to walk away, let nosy Noreen figure out an 98 answer for herself. But something in the Lord"s persistent silent voice stopped her. Much, Lord? You want much from me? Now, when I have nothing left to give?
My grace is sufficient for you.
An image came to mind of a small group meeting in the living room of a house.
Couples filled the circle-hurting couples, hoping couples. And Kari and Tim were in the middle of the circle, teaching the couples how to love.