PASTOR MARK WAS WORKING on his sermon Tuesday afternoon when Kari knocked on his office door. "Am I early?"
He pushed away from his desk and stood to greet her. "Not a bit. Come in."
She struggled to make eye contact with him, embarra.s.sed about how she looked.
She knew there were dark circles under her eyes, and despite her pregnancy, her clothes hung on her. Pastor Mark kept his office door open, returned to his chair, and pointed to a vinyl sofa that had been in his office for years.
Kari sat down and crossed her legs. Her hands were shaking. "You couldn"t get Tim to come?" The pastor"s voice was gentle, and Kari relaxed some, her heart still heavy.
She shook her head and tried to speak, but her emotions got the better of her.
"That"s okay, take your time." He smiled sadly. "I"m not in a hurry. You can tell me what happened whenever you"re ready." Kari released a sigh and eased back into the sofa. "He moved out almost a month ago. He"s having an affair with a student 157 157.
158 and moved in with her the same day he told me about it." She pulled a tissue from her purse and ran it beneath her eyes. "I called him at her apartment last night. He wants a divorce."
"And you?"
"I want to make it work." She exhaled and covered her face. When her hands fell back to her lap, the dreaded tears were back. "Everyone else thinks I"m crazy."
"No." Pastor Mark angled his head thoughtfully. "You"re not crazy, Kari. I officiated at your wedding, remember? As long as I live, I"ll remember the way Tim looked at you that day."
Kari nodded, and the image of Tim"s face on the day of their wedding came to her mind as well. Never could she have imagined he"d ever love anyone but her. A tear slid down her cheek, and she dabbed at it with her fingertips. "My family"s having a hard time remembering."
Mark"s eyebrows lifted. "Even your parents?"
Kari shrugged. "They"re trying. They think I"m doing the right thing, but they hate seeing me hurt." She gave him a halfhearted smile. "My sisters think I should wrap him in baling twine and toss him over a cliff."
He winced. "I guess that"s understandable." "Yeah," she sniffed, "I guess."
"You already know this, but I"ll say it anyway." He paused. "You can"t base your decisions on anyone"s opinion but yours and G.o.d"s."
Kari nodded. "That"s why I"m here." Her voice broke, and she struggled to find the words. "I"m sorry. I ...
Pastor Mark handed her a tissue and waited until she could speak.
"I"m here because I want my husband back and I have absolutely no idea how to make that happen."
The pastor let his gaze fall to the floor for a moment. When he looked back at Kari, she could see in his eyes a depth that wasn"t there before, and she was struck by how much he cared. "You can"t make it happen, Kari. Tim has to be willing."
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"Do you think he ever will?"
Pastor Mark folded his hands and hesitated. "Do you?" Memories of the initial days of her marriage flashed in Kari"s mind. Finding a jellyfish on a Mexican beach the week of their honeymoon. Buying furniture for their first home-a tiny apartment-and falling down laughing when they got home and found out the sofa was bigger than their living room. Crying together in the emergency room after they lost their first baby.
Those and dozens of other shared moments came to mind, and Kari smiled through her tears. "I don"t know." She wanted to be honest. "I know he used to love me, and I think a part of him still does. Most of all, I think G.o.d wants me to keep trying to love him, not just give up."
The pastor smiled. "Then hold on to that, Kari. Don"t let it go for anyone or anything. No matter how long it takes."
She stared at him, searching his eyes for wisdom she neither had nor knew how to find. "There"s something else." Pastor Mark waited. "I"m pregnant. I found out a few days ago."` If he was shocked, he didn"t show it. Instead, he drew a slow breath and nodded.
"I told him last night, but then I hung up on him. I haven"t talked to him since."
"You hung up on him?" There was no judgment in the pastor"s voice, just curiosity.
"Yes. He told me all he wanted from me was a divorce, and I got mad." She pursed her lips. "I"m mad at him a lot lately. Kind of crazy, I guess. Here I"m doing everything I can to get him back, but I"m also so mad at him that sometimes I actually hate him."
"That"s not crazy, Kari. You wouldn"t be human if you weren"t mad." He paused.
"So Tim knows you"re pregnant and ... you hear the ticking clock."
"Yes." Kari swallowed back the sorrow in her chest. "I need him home with me.
I"m already almost three months along." She let out an exasperated huff. "Then there"s Ryan Taylor."
160 "Ryan Taylor?" Pastor Mark"s right eyebrow lifted ever so slightly. "I remember. You two were quite an item once."
"I guess you could call it that." She was telling him more than she"d planned, but it felt good. If she told her sisters about her unwanted feelings for Ryan they"d have a wedding date set before the end of the conversation. "I was young, but he was very special to me. And now-"
"He"s back in town."
Kari was amazed. The man ran a church and counseled many people every day, yet she felt as if he"d had private access to her deepest thoughts. "Right." Kari let her gaze fall to her ring finger. "I"m scared and alone and .. part of me wants his friendship." She searched for the words. "But after being in love with him for so many years ... I don"t know if I could be his friend."
Pastor Mark"s eyes narrowed, and he bit the corner of his lip. "Ryan"s a good man, but I think you are making a wise choice. It would be easy to get confused if you spend too much time together. You"re in a lot of pain right now, and pain can cloud your judgment."
Kari felt her cheeks grow hot and knew the pastor was right. It didn"t matter that she loved Tim and wanted to win him back. She still had a heart, after all, and her heart would always be vulnerable where Ryan Taylor was concerned.
The topic changed, and Pastor Mark suggested she keep a journal, maybe write letters to Tim as if he actually were open to reconciling. This would help Kari work through her feelings and possibly, one day down the road, give them a tool they could use to make their relationship stronger.
"If you really want to save your marriage, Kari, G.o.d will show you how. He"ll give you something you can do, the right words to say." Pastor Mark reached into his cabinet and pulled a piece of paper from a small file. He slid the sheet across his desk. "Take this. When Tim"s ready for counseling, this program is something I strongly suggest."
161 Kari scanned the paper. The heading read "Marriage Intensive Seminar."
"Marriage intensive? What is it?"
"It"s a day"s drive from here, in the Ozarks. It involves two days of intensive counseling between a couple and two counselors-a male and a female." Mark shrugged. "The results are amazing, from everything I hear."
Two days of counseling? Kari couldn"t imagine Tim"s agreeing to that type of therapy. But she took the paper. "Thanks." There was more doubt than faith in her voice.
Mark"s expression softened. "I know you"re not optimistic, but G.o.d has a plan, Kari. I"ll be praying. You too, okay?" "Okay." Kari folded the sheet of paper and slipped it into her purse.
"Beyond that, I really believe G.o.d will show you what to do." Kari nodded. "He"s already shown me one thing. I can"t keep staying at my parents" house. I"m going back home tonight, at least for the weekdays. That way, if Tim comes around, I"ll be there."
"Good idea."
Their time was over, and Kari wanted to have a fresh outlook. She"d expected to feel as if a ten-story building had been lifted from her shoulders. But all she felt was nauseous and tired. The idea of working to win back a man who"d walked out on her without a warning was suddenly more than she could fathom.
As she thanked Pastor Mark and walked to her car, she kept hearing his voice rea.s.suring her that G.o.d would make it clear what she should do, how she should go about actively fighting for her marriage. She believed he was right. But the more the pastor"s words played in her mind, the more she was certain of one thing. In that instant-even though it was wrong-there was only one person she really felt like being with, and it wasn"t her husband.
It was a tanned, green-eyed football player who"d stolen her heart the summer she turned twelve.
162 After Kari left, Pastor Mark was unable to get back into the sermon he was writing. What had happened to the Baxter family? Weren"t they the shining example among the congregation? He thought about Elizabeth and John, their early years, the way they"d seemed to have such a strong relationship with their children.
So why did everything seem to be coming apart now?
He and John Baxter had been meeting once a week for most of the past decade, encouraging each other in their faith, sharing each other"s burdens. John was on the church board, and it had been a relief for Mark to know he could unload some of his own trials to someone as trustworthy as John Baxter.
As a result, Mark knew more about the Baxters" tragedies and triumphs than anyone else.
There was Brooke, who with her husband had clearly chosen the pathways of medical science and professional achievement over the truths of the faith.
Ashley"s situation was possibly worse. Not only had she walked away from G.o.d, but she also harbored a secret, something she refused to discuss though it isolated her from everyone who might have mattered in her life-everyone including Landon Blake, the young fireman who had pursued her since they were both teenagers.
And lately he"d noticed trouble brewing with Luke. Something in his critical comments and sharp tones, tones that had been kind and gentle the year before.
John hadn"t mentioned it, but Mark was concerned all the same.
Worries about Elizabeth"s health were ongoing, of course. And now, on top of it all, came Kari"s difficulties. Pastor Mark"s heart broke for her-both for her pain and for her temptation.
Pastor Mark thought about the Baxters" struggles for a moment and knew there was only one possible reason for them. It was spiritual warfare, pure and simple.
Something great and amazing 163 must be standing on the other side of these dark times; otherwise, the enemy wouldn"t work so hard to discourage this family.
Yes, that must be it.
Surely good times were right around the corner.
Pastor Mark allowed himself to imagine Brooke and Peter remembering that true knowledge and success come from G.o.d alone. Ashley confiding in her family, telling the truth about her past, finding healing and maybe even love. Tim Jacobs changing his ways, falling to his knees, and begging Kari"s forgiveness.
Elizabeth living to a joyful old age.
It was possible that none of this would turn out the way he hoped-the way he prayed. But even then, Pastor Mark was certain G.o.d would faithfully see the Baxter family through their difficulties.
He thanked the Lord for that even as he wondered how much worse life could get for the Baxters before they arrived on the other side.
Mark leaned back in his chair and gazed out his office window. He thought about Kari and Brooke and Ashley and John and Elizabeth.
A lot worse, he guessed. A whole lot worse.
He would pray for them daily, as he"d been doing for some time now, ever since he and John had begun meeting together. But there had to be something else, something tangible he could do to help.
His fingers found their way to the computer mouse, and he clicked open a file of church member profiles. He hesitated a long time before making the next move. If Kari had been any other member, he wouldn"t have considered breaking a confidence and making the call.
But this time ... maybe it was what was needed.
Mark scanned the alphabetical list until he found the work number for Tim Jacobs.
Okay, Lord, use this phone call. Please. . And with that he began to dial.
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165.
Kari WAS DUSTING HER PARENTS" piano when Luke walked in, tossed his gym bag on the bench in the foyer, and flopped onto a chair a few feet away, his basketball still under his arm. He was playing on an intramural team at Indiana University that semester, and his games were on Sat.u.r.day mornings.
"Hi." She kept dusting, but she could see him staring at her. He looked frustrated, as if he wanted to say something but couldn"t quite find the words.
Finally he cleared his throat. "I owe you an apology."
The dust rag froze in Kari"s hand, and she looked over her shoulder at her brother. "What for?"
"Because-" he pinched his lips together-"because I"m sorry you married the jerk." Luke"s eyes twinkled, and he tossed his ball at her.
In a single fluid motion she dropped the dust rag and caught the ball. Kari could feel the patience draining from her expression. "Am I supposed to laugh?"
Luke turned and gazed out the front window, his eyes narrowed. "I just hate what he"s doing to you."
166 She was still holding the ball where she"d caught it, inches from the piano, as she studied her brother. She clutched the ball to her midsection. Everyone had handled news of her pregnancy fairly well-except Luke. He had seemed even more distant than before, and Kari had not known how to bridge the gap between them.
But now, here was her baby brother, all grown up with a mop of blond hair and a lanky frame larger than their dad"s, trying to find the words to connect with her again. It was the first effort he"d made since she"d been home.
A tear slid down her cheek, and she wiped it with her free hand, waiting for Luke to finish saying what was on his heart. After a while, he shook his head and turned his gaze back to hers. "I haven"t been-" He dug his fingers into his hair and released a frustrated burst of air. "I"m sorry, Kari. The last thing you need is two jerks."
Kari tossed the ball back to Luke, and he caught it deftly in one hand, drawing it securely against his body. She leaned against the piano and gave him a crooked smile. "Two jerks ... hmmm, let"s see. My husband, Tim, and ..." She was teasing him, speaking the language he knew best.
He grinned, and the lines on his face eased. "Me, goofy. Ever since Tim left, I"ve treated you like-" he waved his hand in the air-"like you have some kind of disease."
She angled her head, seeing him as the towheaded little kid he"d been when she was in high school. Her heart swelled with understanding. "Thanks."