Pastor Mark didn"t have to ask whether Kari was sticking to her promise, keeping her distance from Ryan as much as possible. His tone said it all.
"Fine." Kari cleared her throat. "He knows where I stand." "I"m glad. Listen, I have some news for you." There was another pause. "Tim called last night. He found your letters and read them. If he didn"t take you seriously about the baby when you told him, he"s taking you seriously now."
"What?" Kari"s heart skipped a beat. "Why didn"t he call me?" "He knew you were at your parents" house. He wasn"t sure it would be appropriate."
She drew in a sharp breath. "What does he want?"
"He wants to meet with us next week. It sounds like the answer we"ve been praying for."
Kari tried to feel something. This was the moment she was waiting for, wasn"t it? She should be thrilled. Happy tears should be streaming down her face, and she should be thanking G.o.d for even this slightest sign that Tim was sorry, that he wanted to work things out.
Instead, she felt flat, as if the wind had been sucked from her. "Did he say anything else?"
"Yes." The pastor"s tone was kind, warm, as if he understood her confusion, her mixed feelings. "He said he"d made a mess of things and he was sorry."
Anger tore at the frayed edges of Kari"s heart. "What does he want me to do, run home and pretend everything"s okay?" There was silence at the other end. She exhaled slowly. "I"m sorry. That was uncalled for."
189 "You have a right to be upset, Kari. In fact, you have to have those feelings. But the bottom line is this: You want your marriage to work, right?"
Kari blinked back thoughts of her antic.i.p.ated afternoon with Ryan and held her breath, struggling to get her feelings back in line. "Right."
"Okay. Last night your husband said he"s willing to try."
A glint of silver flashed at the edge of the driveway, and Ryan"s E3 truck appeared. Kari"s face grew hot. "Okay, thanks. Look, I need to go." She didn"t want to hear about Tim now. Not with Ryan waiting outside.
A pang of guilt poked at her. The pastor would never approve of her fishing with her old boyfriend, not after Tim"s phone call. But she was feeling defiant, not contrite. After all Tim had put her through, she had a right to a little fun.
"I"m sorry. I"ll call you soon."
Pastor Mark barely had a chance to say good-bye before Kari hung up the phone.
She opened her eyes wider, turned around, and found herself face-to-face with her father.
"Who was that?" He wasn"t angry or accusatory, but his voice told her that he knew something wasn"t right.
"Pastor Mark." She sidestepped her father and swung her bag over her shoulder.
"Tim called. He wants to meet this week." Her father smiled broadly. "Hey, that"s great. You"ve been praying he"d come around. Maybe this is the answer."
Kari shrugged, suddenly nervous. "Maybe." She glanced outside, then back at her father. "Ryan"s here."
Her father kept his eyes fixed on hers and raised a single eyebrow so subtly that Kari was certain no one else would have caught it.
"What?" She shrugged and let her bag fall to the floor. "What"s the look for?"
"You"re a big girl, Kari. You can do what you want." Her father"s expression softened. "But do you really think going out with Ryan Taylor is a good idea?"
190 Kari dug her fists into her waist. "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
I"ve been sick and alone and desperate to understand why I wasn"t enough for my husband, why he wouldn"t even take my calls. I"ve had my heart broken, and truthfully, I don"t know how I"m ever going to love him again." She let her arms fall to her sides as the fight left her.
"So right now, yes, I think it"s a good idea to go out with Ryan Taylor. In fact, I can"t think of anything I"d rather do."
A knock sounded at the door, and her father gave her a smile that said he thought she was wrong but he would let her find out for herself. Kari knew he meant it as a rea.s.surance of his love.
But it made her feel sixteen again and anxious to leave.
"Okay." Her father took hold of her shoulders. He looked at her for a long moment, then pulled her close. "I love you, Kari.
No matter what you do. I"m proud of you for staying strong and trying so hard to do what G.o.d wants." He smiled. "You"ll do the right thing. I know it."
Kari sighed. "Thanks. I"ll see you later."
And with that she grabbed her bag and lightly ran out the door to where Ryan was waiting for her. Just as he"d waited for her all those years ago.
9.
Elizabeth Baxter sat on the edge of her bed, her back ramrod straight, and looked out the window as Kari and Ryan climbed into his truck.
John slipped on a sweatshirt and eased himself beside her, following her gaze.
"Worried?"
"Of course." She turned and studied her husband"s face, amazed at the serenity she saw there. "Everything"s falling apart, John. How can you be so calm?"
He gave her a practiced smile, the one that always had a way of working a degree of peace and warmth into her heart. "Because 191 Kari and Ryan are spending a day together? Everything"s falling apart?"
She sighed and turned her attention back toward the window and the pickup truck that was pulling away. "Kari"s three months pregnant, and I heard your conversation. Tim wants to talk to her." She felt the sting of tears. "She says she wants her marriage healed. So why is she spending a day at the lake with Ryan Taylor? You know very well she"s fooling herself when she insists they"re just friends.
John squeezed her knee gently and gave her a half-smile. Elizabeth crossed her arms and gripped her elbows. "It"s not just Kari, you know. What about Ashley ... even Brooke? She and Peter drift further away from the Lord every day. And why"s Maddie always sick?" Elizabeth wiped at an errant tear. "Makes me wonder what"s going to happen to Erin and Luke."
John was quiet a moment; then he wove his fingers between hers. "Once, a long time ago, there was a boatload of disciples trying to cross the Sea of Galilee."
She relaxed some and felt the hint of a smile tug at the corners of her mouth.
The story was John"s favorite, and she loved hearing him tell it.
"They had followed their Teacher for months and months, and they trusted him implicitly. In fact, he was in the boat with them one night when a terrible storm came up. The wind and waves were wild, tossing the boat like a child"s toy until the disciples cried out for their Teacher"s help."
John paused, and Elizabeth could see the men, hear their cries. Almost feel the water on her face.
"Where was Jesus? Sleeping at the back of the boat. But at their desperate request, he rose and stretched his hand out toward the sea. `Be still!" he said.
And suddenly the wind and waves grew calm again."
Elizabeth leaned on her husband"s shoulder. This was one of the reasons why she loved him so, why she"d easily promised him forever and cared for him more with each pa.s.sing year. He was her lover and friend, and so often when her own ship was 192 sinking, it was John who righted it. Even now, in this season of uncertainty and terrifying possibilities, his trust in G.o.d was absolute. That gave her an anchor, a rock to stand on no matter how difficult the situation seemed.
"That same Teacher knows about the storm we"re in," he reminded her. "He hasn"t abandoned ship, and we can"t either." She smiled through her tears. "I know ...
you"re right. It"s just ... sometimes I can"t help worrying."
With that, John took both of Elizabeth"s hands in his and bowed his head. He prayed out loud that G.o.d would direct the hearts and decisions of their adult children and protect them from making choices they"d regret.
Even choices they might make that very day.
9.
Kari and Ryan arrived at the lake just after one in the afternoon, and Ryan parked in a private lot near the boat dock.
"Is it still true?" Kari grinned at him as they gathered their gear from the back of the truck and made their way toward the boats.
"What?" "That only sn.o.bs moor their boats at the country club?"
It was something their cla.s.smates used to say back when they were in high school together. Kari and Ryan were both members back then, enjoying their fathers"
privileges and taking part in everything the club offered, from boating to tennis. But though their families had boats at the club, the two of them preferred puttering around the lake in Ryan"s beat-up boat, which they could pull behind his pickup truck. The rowboat was more fun-not because they feared being thought of as sn.o.bs, but because the rowboat felt simpler, more adventurous.
Now, though, the old boat was gone. Ryan not only moored his boat at the club but also was a full-fledged member, with golf privileges.
193 They arrived at Ryan"s cruiser, and whistled low under her breath. "This is nice, Ryan ... really."
It could hold eight people easily and had a canopy that could enclose the entire front. "Let"s put it up." Ryan worked his way around the other side of the boat and began latching the canopy in place. "Until it gets warmer."
She glanced at the sky. "I doubt it"ll get warmer than this." There was a bite in the air, and the water temperature couldn"t have been much above fifty degrees. Most late-fall weekends would never have been warm enough to consider boating. "Do the fish bite in water this cold?"
"What?" He shot her a teasing grin. "Has my former fishing partner forgotten about our secret spots?" He shook his head dramatically. "I"ll have to get you reacquainted with the terrain."
She smiled, and her earlier feelings of guilt faded. "You do that, Ryan."
"Okay." He started the engine and pushed off from the dock. "Hold on."
They set out over slightly choppy water, and for a while they didn"t speak. The roar of the motor filled the empty s.p.a.ces, the unanswered questions between them, and Kari allowed herself the chance to soak in the sight of him. Tall and filled out in all the right places, Ryan was even more handsome now than he"d been the last time they"d shared a day on the lake.
Ryan was taking her to their favorite spot, a quiet cove on the other side of the lake and down several miles. It would be twenty minutes before they got there, so Kari leaned back, enjoying the slap of the waves against the bow, letting her mind simply drift. She could have predicted where her unrestricted thoughts would take her, but she was tired of fighting them. She"d be back at it next week, fighting for her marriage, attending the appointment with Tim and Pastor Mark.
In the meantime, she wanted to relax. So she let her memories carry her where they willed, back to the days when she and Ryan 194 had been in love. Back to a time when they believed they always would be.
The summer Ryan left for college, Kari had been about to enter her junior year in high school. He had been her adolescent crush, her first love, the boy of her dreams. But their one date convinced her he didn"t share her feelings, and when he drove away that day she figured their time together had come to an end.
Instead, Ryan had surprised her by staying in touch. In the eighteen months that followed, he wrote letters now and then and made a point of stopping in and saying h.e.l.lo whenever he was home. But he never asked her out, and she was afraid to ask him for details about his life at Oklahoma University-afraid of what she"d find out.
Then, on a bitter cold day in early December of her senior year, her dad phoned from his office. "Kari, I"m so sorry to tell you this."
"Tell me what?" Her breath caught in her throat as she waited for him to continue. Her father rushed on to explain that he"d gotten word from a friend at the hospital. Ryan Taylor"s father had suffered a brain embolism that day and had died just after noon.
Kari was crying before she hung up the phone. She spent the rest of the day in her room, remembering the first picnic the two families had shared and so many other outings the families had taken together. Ryan was very close to his dad, and Kari knew he"d be devastated by the news. She waited until the next morning before heading over to his house and knocking on the door.
When it opened, Ryan stood there, cheeks tearstained, eyes bloodshot. "Hi."
She moved into his arms, wrapped her hands up around his back, and held him, telling him over and over how sorry she was.
They took a walk around the block and into the next neighborhood, holding hands while Kari let him talk about his father.
195 Her attention should have been focused on Ryan"s grief, but all she could think about was the way her hand felt in his.
The next week was full of heartbreaking moments for Ryan -- viewing the body, the funeral service, the gathering of relatives, all wanting to wish him their condolences.
Through it all, Kari was at his side.
She remembered one afternoon that week when her mother pulled her aside. "I see what"s happening." She kissed Kari on her forehead. "Be careful."
Kari feigned innocence and gave her mother a questioning look. "If you"re talking about Ryan and me, you don"t have to worry. He just needs someone to talk to, someone who isn"t his mother or his family." She shrugged. "I"m only trying to help."
"Really." It wasn"t a question, but a statement of doubt, and it frustrated Kari. Was it that obvious that she was falling for him again? And what about Ryan? Did he really want her company only because he was grieving the loss of his father?
Ryan"s father had died shortly before the beginning of Ryan"s four-week Christmas break. He had arranged to test out of his courses by mail and stay to help his mother and sister until cla.s.ses started up in January.
But the truth was, he spent less time with them than with Kari. They took long walks and spent hours on his front porch, talking about Ryan"s memories of his father, his feelings now that the man was gone. With each pa.s.sing day, each pa.s.sing conversation, they grew closer.
Finally on a Friday two weeks after the funeral, they drove to Indianapolis and spent a late afternoon Christmas shopping at one of the city"s oversized indoor malls. Kari had wondered if it would be hard for him, but he seemed relieved to escape for a little while the sadness at home. They walked hand in hand-something they had never done in public-through the elegantly decorated stores. Kari noticed every time he slid his fingers along hers. Her heart beat faster with each subtle squeeze or brush of his thumb against her palm.
196 A barrage of questions. .h.i.t her as they walked that way. Why was he holding her hand if he didn"t want to date her? Had something changed since he"d been home? And what would it matter anyway, since he was going back to school at the end of break? To keep her mind from wandering, she caught Ryan up on the news at the high school. She was telling him how one of the cheerleaders had come to a football game with three hot rollers stuck in the back of her head when Ryan laughed out loud.
It was the first time he"d done so since his father died, and Kari basked in the sound. As the evening wore on, there was no question that something had changed between them. She wondered if either of them would be bold enough to talk about it.
They teased and shared stories and searched for treasures and checked items off their lists. After eating in the food court, they made their way back to his truck in the underground lot. The structure was only dimly lit, and once they climbed into his truck the darkness lay thick around them. Kari waited for Ryan to start the engine, but instead he turned to face her.
"Do you feel it?" The s.p.a.ce between them was so dark she could make out only the sparkle in his eyes.
She reminded herself to exhale as she nodded. "For a long time."
He inched closer and took her face gently in his hands. "I love you, Kari. I"ve always loved you."
Her heart thudded inside her chest. "But ... what about our date ... on my sixteenth birthday? I thought ..."
He held a single finger to her lips. "What good would it have done? You were too young to be dating a college guy. I had no choice but to wait."