Kari held her hand to her face to hide her giggling. She leaned closer and took his hand in hers. "No, Tim. I don"t like your jokes."
His jaw dropped in mock astonishment, and he silently mouthed the words, "You don"t like my jokes?"
She laughed out loud this time, and when she"d regained her composure, she squeezed his hand and smiled at him. "What I mean is, it isn"t your jokes that I like. I like . . . you."
Tim"s expression changed then, almost as if he were determined to move past the truth about her onetime love. "Well, then, at least tell me what went on between you two."
And she did. For the rest of the hour she talked about her 45 friendship with Ryan, the ups and downs and the fact that she had expected to marry him.
The conversation with Tim that day had been a turning point for them, deepening their friendship and hinting at something more serious ahead. But Kari still doubted that anything lasting would come from their time together because after graduation she planned to spend six months in New York with a few girlfriends-all of whom would be working for a modeling agency on the West Side.
Then, the night she graduated from college, everything about her relationship with Tim changed.
Her parents threw a huge open house to celebrate Kari"s big day. That night the house overflowed with people, and Tim was among them. He spent nearly an hour talking to her father, and before the night was over, he helped her mother refill platters of snack foods and tidy up the kitchen.
Her mother pulled her aside before the party was over and whispered in her ear, "Maybe I was wrong about Tim."
"Yeah, maybe you were," Kari whispered back, her heart soaring at the success of the evening. "Not that it matters. I"m leaving in a few weeks, remember?"
A strange look came over her mother"s face, and she hesitated, as if she was considering whether to say the next thing. Then she lowered her voice again.
"Ryan called yesterday. He asked me not to tell you, but I didn"t want you to be surprised."
Kari would never forget the way her heart dropped. Couldn"t he leave her alone?
Wasn"t it enough to break her heart without haunting her? "Why?"
Elizabeth Baxter fiddled with a dish towel, and her features tensed up. "He wants to stop by tonight. Late. After everyone else is gone."
The panic Kari felt at that moment was almost enough to ruin the evening. She looked at the kitchen clock. "He wouldn"t be coming this late, would he?"
46.
A sheepish look crossed her mother"s face. "He begged me not } to tell you."
The number of guests was beginning to dwindle, and suddenly Kari thought of a plan. "Fine." She looked back at her mother as she took a step toward the living room where Tim and a dozen others were gathered. "Thanks for telling me."
Without waiting for a break in the conversation, she came up to Tim and took his arm. "Quick. I need to talk to you." If Ryan Taylor was going to show up unannounced, the last thing she wanted to do was appear interested. Or worse, as if she"d been pining away the months missing him.
When Kari and Tim were alone in the hallway, she told him what her mother had said about Ryan. As soon as she mentioned Ryan"s name, Tim"s expression fell.
"You want me to leave?"
"No!" Kari"s response was urgent, and she tugged on Tim"s sleeve for emphasis.
"I want you to pretend to be my boyfriend."
For a flicker of an instant, something dreamy and serious clouded Tim"s eyes, but then almost immediately it was replaced by the teasing, twinkling look she was more familiar with. Moving like an actor in a movie, he took her face gently in his hands and lowered his lips to hers.
"Tim!" She pushed at his chest and stared at him, her heart beating hard from a mixture of mock indignation and some new, strange feeling she"d never had in his presence.
"What?" He gave her a lazy grin. "You said to pretend I was your-"
"Not like that! Come on now. Be serious." She pushed him again. "If Ryan shows up, I want you to hold my hand until he goes, okay?"
Again there was a flicker of something in Tim"s eyes, something that made Kari"s heart jump unexpectedly. Fifteen minutes later Ryan walked through the door, and Kari stayed in the living room, Tim at her side, the two of them holding hands just as they"d planned.
It took several minutes before Ryan worked his way into the 47 room where Tim and Kari were sitting. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight of him, but she looked away, pretending not to notice. Still, she saw how his eyes took in the sight of her . . . and the fact that she was holding hands with Tim.
"Kari." He walked toward her, and she realized she"d almost forgotten how he commanded a room. "Congratulations!"
"Thanks." She stood up and Tim did the same, keeping her hand in his.
There was an awkward silence as her mother and father followed Ryan into the room and both simultaneously stared at the spot where her hand joined Tim"s.
Kari"s heart pounded so hard she thought everyone in the room could see it. She cast her parents a look that begged them not to give away her scheme.
Trying to shake off the memory, Kari wrapped the towel around her body and sat at the edge of the bed. Although it had been years since she"d seen Ryan, memories of him were as fresh as if everything had happened earlier that morning.
Kari remembered wanting to draw close to Ryan that evening, just one more time.
To feel his arms envelop her against his chest, hear the way his heart beat against her face. Instead, she nodded politely and introduced Tim, whose hand still held hers. They talked about the Cowboys and spring training and summer camp, and Kari could see that Tim was impressed. There were a few more minutes of football talk, and then Ryan said his goodbyes and left.
Though he still had a way of taking a piece of her heart with him, Kari watched him go without giving way to the desire that welled up inside her. The desire to run after him and forgive him for anything he"d ever done to hurt her. The desire to ask him if somehow he might still love her.
The moment he was gone, relief swept over her.
Ryan had made his choices long ago. There would never be anything between them again. Kari pulled Tim by the hand outside to a quiet place on the back porch.
As soon as they were
48.
away from the others, she exhaled loudly and took a spot against the porch railing, staring up at the starry sky. "Thanks."
Tim was quiet, his gaze fixed upward as well. But after a few " minutes he shifted positions so that he was facing her. "You"re still in love with him."
There was no forgetting the way his statement made her stomach flip-flop. Had Tim read her mind? Had he known all along what she was feeling for Ryan? She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and realized it didn"t matter. She and Ryan had no future, no matter what indiscretions her errant thoughts committed.
Kari caught Tim"s gaze as she adjusted her position so that they were facing each other. Is he the one, Lord ... ? The thought came from nowhere and dangled in the subtle night breeze. She looked up at him. "It really is over between Ryan and me. It has been for a long time."
Tim studied her for a minute, his eyes tender and warm. "Are you sure?"
Kari nodded. "Why do you ask?"
Though the sticky hot days of July were just around the corner, this was June, and the night had turned cool. Tim moved gently, took her hands in his, and pulled her closer until their lips met in a kiss that left them both breathless.
Kari drew back and searched Tim"s eyes. Her voice was barely audible. "You"re a convincing actor, friend."
Tim brought his hand to her face and tenderly ran his finger along her cheekbone. "It"s not an act, Kari." He kissed her again, this time longer than before. "It never has been."
Kari"s head began to spin. She closed her eyes and let her chin fall to her chest. "I ... I don"t know what to say."
He reached out, and with a touch so light she could barely feel it, he tilted her face up and made eye contact with her again. "I mean it, Kari. I"ve loved you since the day I met you."
Her mind raced, searching for a response, trying to sort through the feelings a.s.saulting her heart. Fear, longing, doubt 49 and a strange sense of betrayal toward Ryan. "But I"m leaving for New York-"
Tim held a finger to her lips and then moved close again, silencing her with another kiss. When he stepped back, his voice was little more than a trembling whisper. "Think about me while you"re gone. Think about what you want." His lips met hers once more, but only briefly this time. "When you get back, I"ll be waiting."
I"ll be waiting. . . .
Before walking her back inside, Tim took her hand once more and prayed out loud that G.o.d would show Kari the depth of his feelings and the sincerity of his intent.
After that, Kari"s six months in New York pa.s.sed in a blur of modeling and quiet time spent writing in her journal. When she came home, she was sure she"d finally put her feelings for Ryan behind her. Her feelings were for Tim and Tim alone. A week after her return to Bloomington, Tim Jacobs asked her to be his wife, and now she had no hesitation.
Five months later they were married. By then, Tim had finished his doctorate and landed a tenure-track position at the university. He left his job at the paper but retained his weekly column on the editorial page, hoping eventually for a syndicated spot. The phone rang almost daily with modeling jobs for Kari. They found a house they loved in an older subdivision just minutes from the university-and an easy drive to visit her parents or siblings. Back then, their whole life had been a promise.
Kari got dressed, brushed her hair, and flipped on the blow- dryer. The blast of hot air dried up the images from her past. Tears nipped at the corners of her eyes, and she wondered if she"d ever laugh again.
How did every thing get so bad, Lord? Kari clenched her teeth. How could he do this to me?
50.
She ran a brush through her hair once more and turned to leave. The air was chilly that morning, but she would be warm soon. She was minutes away from being back at the house where she had grown up, from falling into her mother"s arms, and from trying to figure out how she was going to change Tim"s mind about wanting a divorce.
And how she could ever love Tim again if he did want a divorce.
_.
51.
John Baxter got news of his daughter"s troubles during the break between his first and second patients that morning. Elizabeth"s phone call had indicated no specifics, just that something bad had happened. Something between Kari and Tim.
"She"s coming home to talk to me," Elizabeth told him. "I"ve never heard her like this, John. Please . . . please pray."
The news. .h.i.t him like a Mack truck, and as soon as he finished with his last patient that morning, he retreated to his office, locked the door, and got on his knees. They creaked more than they had when he was younger, but that didn"t matter.
John worked every Tuesday through Thursday in the office and spent Fridays teaching medical anatomy at the university. He made rounds at the hospital on Mondays. At every one of those places he was known for his medical expertise.
But here, on his knees, he was just another sinner saved by grace, a man humbly awed that the G.o.d of the universe would care about his concerns. I am nothing, Lord. You are everything. I come to you with a heavy heart.
John"s prayers moved from thoughts to words as he shared the 52 fullness of his concerns with the only One who could do something about them.
"Father, it"s Kari. . . ."
He paused for a moment and wondered if Elizabeth was right if indeed something had happened between Kari and Tim. if the problem was serious? What if Tim was seeing someone else? A memory came to mind, something John had long since dismissed. He"d had lunch nearly a year ago with several professors, including an acquaintance in the journalism department! The man, a bitter scribe in his sixties-had asked about Tim.
"He"s your son-in-law, right, Baxter?" the man barked across the table.
"Yes. He"s married to my daughter Kari."
"Well," the man sneered, "tell him to remember his position, He"s too friendly with the female students. Makes the rest of us look bad. Unprofessional."
John had dismissed the comment, a.s.suming the man to be jealous or mistaken somehow.
But now ...
John sighed and folded his hands in front of him. If Tim had been unfaithful, he was perhaps the one person who should have seen it coming. He remembered that he was trying to pray. "Sorry, Lord, I"m distracted. It"s just . . . you"ve put this fix-it thing in me that makes me want to understand a problem and work on it until it"s better. It"s why you had me be a doctor...."
He hesitated and leaned forward, the weight of his concern for Kari more than he could straighten up under.
"But this, whatever has Kari so upset... I don"t know how I"m going to fix it, G.o.d. I don"t know how I"m even going to help."
John closed his eyes and waited on the Lord, deliberately loosening his clenched fists, listening intently for the familiar still, small voice.