The prayer lasted several minutes. When it was over, as they were releasing the hold they had on each other"s hands, Kari thought she felt Ryan squeeze ever so slightly. Almost as if he was seconding the motion, agreeing with Mr. Miller in his desire to see Kari"s prayer answered.
Mrs. Miller looked from Kari to Ryan and smiled. "I"m so glad you came for prayer."
She has no idea how awkward this is. Kari urged the corners of her mouth upward.
"Thanks."
Another hug, and Mrs. Miller took her husband"s hand. The two left with promises to continue praying. Then the door shut behind them, and Kari and Ryan were alone.
She looked up, and her eyes met his. She could see no spark or attraction, only a kindness that surrounded her with comfort. They were two old friends whose grown-up lives had taken them in different directions. But they were friends who still cared deeply. As their eyes held, she was frustrated to feel tears welling up again.
Without saying a word, he came to her and wrapped his arms tenderly around her, pulling her into a hug that erased the years 110 in a single instant. A combination of feelings consumed Kari"s heart. She realized she was at once grateful for his friendship and brokenhearted at the distance time had placed between them. Here in his presence she suddenly felt the loss of him more deeply, and that grief, piled onto all the rest, made her erupt into fresh sobs.
He lowered his head so that it hovered next to hers, and his hand worked soothing circles into the small of her back. "Shhh ... it"s okay, Kari girl."
Kari girl ...
His words acted like a balm to her soul, and she ached at having gone so long without hearing her name on his lips. His very presence felt like a gift from yesterday.
She stayed that way, her hands at her side, sheltered in the warmth of his arms, until finally he pulled away. His eyes met hers, and he searched the secret places of her soul for a long while, reading her heart as easily as he"d always been able to do. "Want to talk about it?"
No questions or guesses or inquisition. Just the same offer he might have made if they were teenagers again.
A shaky sigh escaped from her heart"s darkest closet, and slowly she allowed the door to open. It was strange, in a way, because they hadn"t seen each other for years. She really didn"t know the man Ryan Taylor had become. Yet somehow she knew she could still trust him, this friend whom she"d grown up adoring. With her life crashing in around her, she was simply grateful beyond words for his concern.
"He wants a divorce." The pain of the confession was so intense that she was unable to maintain eye contact. Her gaze fell to the tiled floor, and Ryan reached down and took her hands in his.
If he had questions, he still wasn"t asking, but suddenly she wanted him to know. She kept her gaze downward and spoke in quiet whispers. "He"s been cheating on me for ... for a while now. I"m staying with my parents for a few weeks so I can think about things."
110.
111 Ryan crooked his finger and gently caught her chin, lifting it so that their eyes met. Every word, every inflection of his voice was kind and deliberate.
"You still love him, don"t you?"
With that, something between them changed, and the distant sounds of music and people talking faded entirely. They stood there, eyes locked, while Kari considered his question. Who was she fooling? She could never see Ryan Taylor as merely a friend. G.o.d, I"ve missed this man. What am I doing here?
She felt as if her heart had fallen from her chest, the same way she had felt on the roller coaster at the county fair last spring. The way she felt the first time she kissed Ryan eyes closed, and she stepped backward, steadying herself in the process. I do love him ... Tim, I mean ... don"t I, Lord? Give me the strength to be Ryan"s friend without these other feelings.
Ryan was waiting, and Kari opened her eyes. "Yes ... I love him." The words were bitter on her tongue. "G.o.d wants me to love him until ... until he changes."
She"d be going home in a few minutes, taking a pregnancy test in the morning.
She was probably already a few months pregnant with a child who would be raised without a father. She wondered what Tim was doing ... Tim and his girlfriend.
Suddenly Kari was overwhelmed with the need to be away from Ryan Taylor. He was her friend, yes. But he was also her first love, and clearly her heart had not forgotten. She took another step backward and smiled sadly. "Ryan, I"ve got to go."
Ryan caught her hand once more, and she saw no ulterior motives in his eyes.
"Listen, Kari, I"m here ... if you need a friend." If he was a magnet, then she was solid steel. The air between them grew more charged than before, and she knew better than to linger in a dark and quiet prayer room in the presence of Ryan Taylor.
G.o.d had allowed her heart to be comforted by the understanding of an old friend.
Now it was time to go.
She nodded and locked eyes with Ryan one last time. Then 112 she turned and made her way quickly out the back door toward. her family"s sedan before he could see the fresh tears in her eyes. Or the way his presence had stirred a memory within her of a boy she"d once dreamed was her knight in shining armor. A boy she thought for sure she would marry.
Thoughts she"d long since a.s.sumed were dead. Until now.
113.
the CAR DOOR WAS UNLOCKED. Kari slipped inside and leaned her head back, trying to figure out in which direction her heart was traveling and what she could do to regain control of her emotions.
A strong breeze had kicked up, and she left the car door partially open, allowing the autumn air to wash over her. Had she just spent the past half hour with Ryan Taylor? Praying with him about her marriage to Tim? It didn"t seem possible.
Ten minutes pa.s.sed, and her parents returned with Cole. They said nothing to her then or on the ride home, though her eyes were swollen from crying. Before they got out of the car, her father turned and winked at her. "I know it was hard, honey. But I"m glad you went."
He and her mom knew nothing of Ryan Taylor, obviously, and Kari nodded, too confused to say anything about their encounter just yet. "Yeah. Me too."
She managed to avoid questions from Ashley, who was curled on the sofa sipping from a mug. There was no way Kari could talk now. She desperately needed to be alone.
114 Once upstairs she went to her room and stared out the window. The leaves were half gone from the trees, scattered across the yard and driveway. The image of her parents" front yard blurred, and she remembered one fall a few years before she and Ryan broke up when he was home from college for the weekend. The two of them had raked the Baxters" yard until they had a leaf pile four feet high.
"Let"s jump," Ryan teased her.
She threw her hands in the air and did a back flop on the pile. From beneath a layer of leaves, she yelled at him, "Your turn." "Okay." Ryan laughed. "Look out." He fell in alongside her.
There under the cover of a foot of leaves they kissed until they both broke free of the pile, laughing and gasping for air.
She closed her eyes. The last thing she needed to think about was Ryan. But how could she not after spending time with him again, feeling his arms around her?
She blinked and turned away from the window, plopping down on her old bed.
Long ago when she had first fallen for Ryan, she"d learned a technique to control her randomly impure thoughts. The Clear Creek Community Church youth pastor had taught it to the youth group, and somehow it had stayed with her to this day.
"Put arms and legs on whatever thought you don"t want, and then picture yourself handcuffing the little guy," the youth pastor had said. "Once he"s all bound up, toss him out of your head."
Thoughts come, he"d told them. There"s nothing anyone can do about that. "But when they come we can sit them down, give them a c.o.ke, and entertain them ...
hope they stay for a while. Or-" the kids had snickered at the imagery-"we can handcuff the little so-and-sos and be done with them."
If ever there was a time when she should be handcuffing her thoughts, it was now. Kari stared at the ceiling, but all she could see was Ryan"s face. She drew a steadying breath. Lord, you know my heart. You know I"m mad at Tim. This is all his fault. But sometimes I think Ryan knows me better than I even know myself.
115.
Silence. Her fingers tapped out a rhythm on her knees. This was no time to be remembering Ryan. Her future with Tim would never happen if she didn"t start thinking about it soon.
A plan. That"s what she needed. The shock of Tim"s affair had left her emotionally frozen, but now it was time to act. She was angry, yes, and betrayed. But she was willing to fight for her marriage, willing to do whatever was necessary to get him back.
She put together a mental to-do list. She"d forgotten to find Pastor Mark and make an appointment; first thing tomorrow she"d call and do that. Then she"d call Tim. There was no point waiting for him to make a move toward reconciliation. No, she needed to talk to him, and soon. In fact, she needed to see him. Maybe she"d drive to his office tomorrow and reiterate that she wanted to work things out.
The plan began to take shape in her mind, and she felt herself relax. Tim still loved her; he had to. He wouldn"t tell her no, especially if ...
She crossed over to her suitcase and pulled out the pregnancy test she had bought the day before. Resettling on the bed, she reread the directions; maybe she could go ahead and do the test now instead of waiting for morning. She needed to know, needed to move out of her denial. If she was pregnant, she would be into her second month, and that meant she"d be showing soon.
Kari ran over the dates in her mind as she"d done many times since Tim left. She saw no way around it. If it did turn out she was pregnant, she would have conceived sometime in August, and that meant .. .
That meant Tim had slept with her when he was already in love with another woman. The timing made her feel dirty and used. Most of the time she tried to convince herself it wasn"t possible. That she had certainly not gotten pregnant in a moment that was nothing more than physical release for Tim. At a time when he no longer loved her.
She crooked her arm so that it covered her eyes. And as she lay 116 there, the image of her and Ryan in the prayer room returned. What a welcome distraction it had been to see him again, to hug him. To remember again the way he"d graced her teenage years.
Years of thoughts and memories drifted in, and though she knew she should, Kari couldn"t summon the energy to handcuff them. Instead, she let them gather around the table of her mind, sipping c.o.kes and enjoying themselves.
The years had definitely dulled the pain of that harsh November day, the day of Ryan"s injury. The day she knew for certain that she and Ryan had no future together.
Was the medicine of time always that effective? Did it so easily soften the blows of yesterday, so strongly magnify the joys? Her thoughts of Ryan were growing in number, throwing a fullblown party at the table now, but Kari didn"t mind. She wanted them to be there, wanted to walk back through the years with them, swept up in the currents of yesterday"s river, back to a barbecue the summer she was twelve years old.
The first time she had ever laid eyes on Ryan Taylor. Warren B. Taylor had served on the administration staff at Bloomington"s St. Anne"s Hospital the year Kari"s father began an internship there. The men were both in their mid-twenties and quickly became friends.
Kari knew from her father"s stories that busy schedules caused the two to drift apart for a while. But the summer Kari turned twelve, the Baxters moved into a five-bedroom colonial in Clear Creek, just three doors down from the Taylors.
And that evening, Mr. Taylor invited their family over for a barbecue.
Kari was unpacking boxes in her new bedroom when her father poked his head in and grinned. "Take a break. We"re going down the street for dinner."
She knew better than to complain, but at twelve years old she was more interested in getting her bedroom together than stopping progress for a social event. "Can I stay? I"m almost done."
"Mr. Taylor"s a friend of mine." The look her father gave her 117 conveyed his answer more clearly than any words. "I want us all there."
Dressed in white jean cutoffs and a dusty blue T-shirt and determined to get home as soon as possible, Kari led the way as her parents and four siblings headed down the street. A half hour later they were sipping iced tea on the Taylors" back porch when a dark-haired, shirtless boy breezed into the yard.
Kari set down her gla.s.s and studied him discreetly. He was tall and lean, with a V-shaped back and a football under his arm.
"Hey, Dad, I"m home. I"ll be out front."
Mr. Taylor was flipping burgers. He shut the lid of the grill and looked pointedly at the family of seven seated around the picnic table, then back at his son. "We have guests."
"Oh, sorry." The boy raised a hand in the direction of the seven of them and did a double take as he caught sight of Kari. Their eyes met for a moment, and Kari remembered the way her stomach fluttered under his gaze. "Hi." His tone was friendly and curious, his greeting directed at her alone.
Mr. Taylor cleared his throat, and Ryan blinked, the spell broken as he looked back at his father.
"We"re eating in five minutes. Go wash up."
"Yes, sir." Ryan nodded, but before he darted back in the house, he cast one last look at Kari. The moment he was inside, Kari noticed something she hadn"t before.
Her heart was gone.
Ryan sat across from her during dinner that night. Since Kari"s family had moved from Bloomington, she"d be attending a new middle school. Ryan tried to fill her in on everything she should expect.
"I can"t believe you"re only in seventh." Ryan"s short, dark bangs hung in damp clumps off to the side of his face, and he was deeply tanned.
Kari could feel her face grow hot. "I look older." "How old are you, anyway?"
118 Kari nodded her chin toward the football. "You play?" "More than I breathe."
He grinned and pushed his plate back. "Want to go out front?"
She nodded and left most of her dinner untouched. They played outside, laughing and teasing and tossing the ball until the summer sun set and lightning bugs began flashing at the base of the trees.
It was then that Kari realized she could not possibly be the only girl in Clear Creek, Indiana, dazzled by Ryan Taylor. He was two years older, about to start high school, and she was just starting middle school. But she lived three doors down, and that had to count for something.
Fall came that year, and Kari saw far less of Ryan than she"d originally planned.. She was involved with Clear Creek Community Church"s youth group and taking tennis lessons at the country club; Ryan was busy playing whatever sport was in season. But come June they seemed to drift together naturally, playing kickball with the neighbor kids, fishing at Lake Monroe, counting stars and talking out in the yard on summer nights. Fall came again too quickly, and later that year Ryan"s parents bought him a shiny dark-blue Chevy truck for his sixteenth birthday. After that he was almost never home, and though she thought of him often, Kari saw him only in pa.s.sing.
But all that changed Kari"s first day of high school. She was a freshman at Clear Creek High School that year and had made the cheerleading squad. Practice was under way outside the gym that afternoon when Ryan and a handful of his teammates walked past and headed for the drinking fountain. He was well over six feet tall and by far the best-looking boy at school.
Ryan caught her eye and held it as he made his way across the quad. "You"re finally here."
She smiled in a way that wasn"t overly eager. "Yep." No matter 118 119 what she thought of Ryan Taylor, she wasn"t going to become one of his groupies, following him around school, giggling and hoping he"d notice her. Not with Ryan"s varsity football player friends standing there.
The football players had finished their drinks and headed back to the field when Kari saw one of the guys whisper something to Ryan. She turned around and began one of the warmup stretches, reaching an arm over her head. Mandy Morken, Kari"s best friend from middle school, had made the squad too, and as the boys filed by, she elbowed Kari and leaned close. "He likes you."
"What?" Kari switched her stretch and leaned in the other direction. "Who likes me?"
Mandy released an exaggerated huff. "Ryan Taylor"s friend. The blond guy."
Kari could remember the way her heart sank. Mandy turned out to be right, and that weekend after the football game, Ryan introduced his friend to her. His name was josh, and he was nice-looking in a plain sort of way. The three of them made small talk for a few minutes, and then josh joined the rest of the team.
Ryan hung back and anch.o.r.ed himself a few feet from Kari, a lazy grin making its way across his face.
"All the guys are talking about you."
Kari was grateful the stadium lights had been dimmed. The last thing she wanted was for Ryan Taylor to see her blush. "Yeah?" She jutted her chin out and tossed her dark ponytail.
; His expression changed, and he suddenly looked more like 6 the boy he"d been two years earlier. "You still know how to toss a football?"
She giggled and felt her facade melt. "Maybe."
He picked up her bag, and they walked to the team bus together. Cheerleaders rode back to school with the players after away games, and this was the first of the season. Ryan kicked at her tennis shoe as they walked. "So, you like him?"