She couldn"t breathe as she waited for his answer. Ryan reached for his keys, his eyes watery. Then he stepped back toward the door and said just one word.
"Forever."
As he drove away from Ashley"s house, Ryan gritted his teeth and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. What had he been 293 thinking? He shook his head, reached to turn the radio off, and knew the answer. He hadn"t been thinking at all, not from the moment he asked Ashley to lunch. What had happened at the gas station to make him act so crazy?
He knew that answer too. There she was, laughing, teasing him, flattering him, and looking so much like Kari that his heart hurt. How could he resist? Why not spend a day with a beautiful single woman he"d known most of his life? Certainly Kari wouldn"t have a problem if the two of them hung out for the afternoon.
As the hours pa.s.sed, Ryan had enjoyed himself more than he"d imagined. At times the whole experience at the mall reminded him of another shopping trip. The one he and Kari had taken after his father died. The day he had first admitted his feelings for her.
But not until he kissed Ashley in the doorway of her home had he fully understood his motives.
As awful as it was, being with Ashley today had been a way to trick his heart, a way to lessen the pain of losing Kari again. Ashley and Kari looked so much alike that he could almost convince himself she was Kari.
But while Ashley was practically a mirror image of her older sister, that"s where the resemblance made an abrupt stop.
Kari was kind and compa.s.sionate, devoted almost to a fault. Ashley was a free spirit-artistic, stubbornly independent, and wary of anything conventional. And also, he had discovered, surprisingly vulnerable and hungry for attention. It had been unfair of him to kiss her, wrong to make her think he had serious intentions when he honestly didn"t. He was attracted to Ashley, and yes, he"d had a good time with her. But she would never be the right woman for him. Not when every time he looked at her he couldn"t help but think of Kari.
His guilty thoughts ate at him all the way home. He pulled in the driveway, parked, locked the truck, and walked into his 294 kitchen and sat at the table. There in front of him, where he"d left it for the past few days, was the contract. The one that offered him the coaching chance of a lifetime.
He had hesitated about the commitment for only one reason. Although he and Kari would never be together, Ryan still loved living here: the sweet smell of wild gra.s.s around his cabin in Clear Creek; the way the Bloomington community pulsed with both family values and academic excitement; his familiarity with every intersection and business establishment; the memories of his father.
Ryan stared at the contract and released a pent-up sigh.
But now, in light of his evening with Ashley-and the kiss that had done nothing but confuse her-there seemed no point in staying. Every time he pa.s.sed the university, he"d wonder if Tim was being faithful to Kari. Every time he went to church, he"d wonder if he would see the two of them. And after the baby was born, he"d have to live with the reality that if things had turned out differently, the child might have been his.
And when he ran into Ashley, things would never be the same around her either.
He ran his eyes over the front page of the coaching offer, and suddenly he knew it was the right thing to do. Hadn"t it always been his dream to coach a pro team once his playing days were over? Wasn"t this contract the exact thing he"d been hoping for when he ran into Kari again that first Sunday?
He grabbed a pen and slid the doc.u.ment closer. In the time it took him to sign his name, he committed himself to a future that would change his life and send him to the East Coast for what could be years.
He had always told himself that if the opportunity to coach professionally came up, he"d hang on to his house and his property. But now, in light of his situation and the decision he had just made, the place didn"t seem so important.
Ryan decided he"d call the real estate agent after the holiday. Then he"d meet with 295 his coaching staff at Clear Creek High School and tell them the news.
In a few short weeks, he"d pack his bags and start life over again in New York City.
As far away from Kari Baxter Jacobs as he could get.
296 296.
297.
FRIENDS HAD ALWAYS TOLD Kari the fifth and sixth months of pregnancy were the best, and by the time February rolled around, Kari had to agree. Her parents were having a dinner party for Brooke"s birthday tonight, and Kari was glad to be rid of the morning sickness and the padding that seemed to appear on her hips that first trimester.
Now the extra weight she carried was nothing but baby, and her sisters were unanimous in their predictions that she would have a boy.
"You look just like I did," Ashley said nearly every time she looked at Kari. "A thin-hipped balloon-belly girl."
Kari knew she would get bigger in the weeks that followed, but she had no idea how that was possible. Her skin seemed stretched to the limits already, and her ability to eat a big meal had ceased a month ago. She thought of the child she"d miscarried and thanked G.o.d that this baby lived.
The counseling sessions with Tim were going better than she dreamed possible.
Though he"d been tempted, he hadn"t had a drink since before Christmas. And they were going out one 298.
night a week, sometimes just to talk about how far they"d come and how much they had to look forward to.
Her bedside table was stacked with books about what to expect during pregnancy, and in the evenings she and Tim pored over them, studying the line drawings of unborn babies and trying to imagine what their baby might look like-whether the infant"s eyes had developed and whether he or she already had hair.
"You"d think we"d have this thing memorized by now." Tim slipped his arm around her as they sat together in their den one evening. Their physical relationship had taken time to rebuild, but every week her affection came more easily.
"I can"t get enough of it. It seems like my due date will never get here."
"It"s probably like that every time. Whether you have one child or five."
Kari believed it.
The baby continued to turn and move within her, and despite her sisters"
predictions, she was certain the child was a girl. She and Tim talked about names and decided on Jessie Renee, after her great-grandmother, a faithful woman Kari had heard about but never known. For a boy they decided on Timothy Joseph -- T. J. for short. But in Kari"s mind the boy"s name was little more than a technicality.
She and Tim decided to wait until the baby was born to find out if she was right, and at the ultrasound she had to remind her doctor not to give away the secret.
Tim had stood beside her while the doctor slid the tool over her abdomen at one of her visits, his eyes trained on a small monitor. "Well, Kari, it"s a healthy baby-"
"Don"t tell me!" She raised a hand, and Tim and the doctor smiled.
"Just kidding. You couldn"t get the truth out of me now if you paid me."
"We are paying you," Kari teased. "But don"t tell me, okay?"
299 Each pa.s.sing week, each stage of development, made Kari more keenly aware of all she and Tim were sharing because of their hard work and G.o.d"s gift of healing in their marriage. The feelings of joy and grat.i.tude would sometimes catch her unaware, swelling her heart with joy and stinging her eyes with tears.
And though at times she still thought about Ryan, she no longer ached at the thought of what they had missed.
He"d moved on, too, which was a good thing-taken a job coaching for the New York Giants. He had called her parents and told them good-bye before he left, asking them to pa.s.s on the news to her. She was glad for him, sure this position was another example of G.o.d"s goodness in their lives. It was the kind of job he had always wanted.
Kari took a stack of china plates and laid them out around her parents" table.
The entire Baxter family would be coming tonight-the first time since the holidays that they"d all been together for a meal. Kari was looking forward to it.
Tonight was also the first time they"d get to meet Luke"s new girlfriend, who was going to stop by for dessert.
Kari and Erin had discussed the situation at length and jokingly decided that-as always-the girl didn"t have a chance with Luke"s sisters gathered around.
"At least he knows we care," Erin laughed when they talked about it earlier that day.
"Yeah." Kari grinned. "The girl has no idea."
She finished setting the table while Erin and Ashley helped their mother in the kitchen. Already the delicious smells of her mother"s cooking were filling the house: savory roast chicken, fresh steamed vegetables with basil and rosemary, and her mother"s famous whole-grain bread. This was the kind of meal they"d grown up with-designed by their mother to be both healthy and delicious.
"Foods affect the way we feel, the way we look, the way we act. Even the way we love," Mom always said, and no one doubted her. She had a master"s degree in nutrition and had 300 worked part-time as the hospital"s meal planner for a decade before she got sick. "It"s part of my job to make sure you all know how to eat right."
Kari"s stomach growled, and she patted her swollen belly. Guess you like Grammy"s food too, huh, little Jessie?
Her father got home from work and took a seat next to Tim, who was watching a basketball game on TV. Minutes later Brooke and her family arrived, and the conversations around Kari grew louder. These were the sounds Kari had missed since leaving home, the sounds Erin would miss if her husband took the out-of-state job he was considering.
Luke walked into the kitchen and tossed his backpack on the floor near the table. "I told you about Reagan, right? She"s coming by for dessert?"
Kari watched her mom stop stirring a pot of beans and stare at the backpack.
"Take it to your room, please."
Luke grabbed the bag. "I told you, right?" "Yes, Luke. We"ll be on our best behavior."
Kari saw Ashley roll her eyes as she drained the steamed vegetables. "Don"t worry, Luke. We"ll make sure our masks are in place."
"Don"t start with me, Ashley. Maybe you can be gone when she gets here."
Elizabeth sighed. "Really, you two. You might try to be nice to each other. It"s Brooke"s birthday, after all."
"Fine." Ashley kept her back to Luke.
Kari watched and wondered if their changed relationship hurt Ashley as much as it hurt Luke. She"s too angry, G.o.d. Show me how I can help her.
Luke shrugged and flashed a smile at Kari. "At least my other sisters will be nice to Reagan." He left the kitchen with his backpack and jogged up the stairs.
"Hey, Brooke, check out this play." It was Peter calling from the next room as Brooke strode into the kitchen, out of breath and frowning.
301 Brooke glanced at the television screen in the next room and nodded absently. "Mom, where"s Cole"s ibuprofen?" She grimaced. "Maddie has a fever again. We almost didn"t come."
"When did she get sick? I heard from Thelma across the street that three children were hospitalized with strep throat just last ..."
The conversations continued until dinner was ready. Then all ten of them-everyone but Maddie-gathered around the table. "Let"s pray." Their father bowed his head and waited until the room was quiet. "Lord, we thank you for this family, for letting us gather together, and for Brooke"s birthday. Thank you for creating her to be among us, and let this coming year be one of blessings and discovery for her and her family. Bless this food that it might nourish our bodies. In Jesus" name, amen."
The talking began almost immediately. "Pa.s.s the chicken."
"Mom, you did it again! Everything smells delicious." "No one can make bread like you."
"Dad have you heard anything more about the grant the hospital"s trying to get for a new wing? Supposed to be another forty rooms."
"Ashley, your old tennis coach is going to our church now. He said to tell you hi."
The discussions took place simultaneously, yet everyone seemed to understand and be able to partic.i.p.ate in all of them. There was talk among Elizabeth, John, and Ashley about an art course she was taking. Erin"s husband, Sam, wanted to know how many weeks were left until Kari"s baby was due, and Erin shared a story about one of her kindergartners who brought a frozen fish into cla.s.s on pet day.
When the laughter died down, Luke filled in by giving them a blow-by-blow report of his debate team"s recent victory.
It was a meal Kari knew she"d remember fondly in months to come, when she was busy taking care of a newborn and learning 302 how to be a family with Tim and the baby. Before long, dinner was over, and dishes were being cleared when the doorbell rang.
"Must be Reagan." Ashley tossed a contrived smile at Kari and the others.
"Everyone put on your mask."
Erin and Brooke giggled, and Luke nodded at them. "Thanks." He narrowed his eyes at Ashley before pushing back from the table. "She can sit by Kari."
Kari looked at Ashley and c.o.c.ked her head. "Come on, Ash, be nice. How often does he bring a girl home?"
Ashley leaned over the table and whispered, "I am being nice. I"m just saying let"s be on our best behavior." She leaned back and raised her eyebrows. "After all, not many girls can live up to Luke"s perfect standard."
When Luke and his new girlfriend entered the room, the discussion stopped and the table fell silent. "It"s a blizzard out there," Luke said as he tossed Reagan"s coat on a chair and brushed the snow off her head.
All eyes were on Reagan. She was tall and athletic looking, bigger boned than most of the girls Luke had dated. From the easy way they looked at each other, Kari could tell they had been friends for a while. She wondered if this was the girl her brother would marry.
Luke made introductions; then he and Reagan sat down next to each other as far away from Ashley as possible. When everyone was seated, they sang "Happy Birthday" to Brooke.
"Thirty-five, is it?" Luke teased her. She"d already opened her presents, and Luke"s had included a bottle of vitamins for seniors.
"Thirty, thank you very much." Brooke lifted her chin and smiled.
Peter leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Though you don"t look a day over twenty-one, my dear."
"Oh, please ... I hope that"s her birthday gift." Ashley shook her head and winked at Brooke. "No one deserves a compliment like that, even on her birthday."
303.
Reagan said little, just watched and listened, responding to Luke"s whispered comments with a sweet smile.
John was the first to draw her into the conversation. "Tell us, Reagan-how"d you get mixed up with this crazy guy?" He elbowed Luke, who was sitting beside him.
Reagan laughed, and Kari decided she liked her. She seemed at ease with the Baxters, and something in her eyes looked genuine, solid. Mom and Erin began serving pie.
"Well," Reagan looked at Luke, and Kari saw it. However long the two had been dating, their relationship was more serious than any of them had known. The look in the girl"s eyes was unmistakable.
She was in love with Luke.
Reagan continued, "Luke was playing a pickup game at the school gym, and I walked in with my basketball. They were short one person, but-" she cast Luke a teasing look-"someone in the group didn"t think I could play with them."
"So anyway, Mom-" Luke raised his eyebrows and dug his fork into the pie in front of him-"have I told you what a good cook you are?"