31.
detached and clear-eyed, as if she were observing the whole scene from a distance.
Her husband was nothing of the man she"d thought him to be. Instead, he had lied and cheated on her, and now he was saying their marriage was over. She looked at him sitting there, his long fingers clenched together, his head lowered, giving her a clear view of the bald spot just beginning to show on the top of his head.
She remembered a verse from their wedding: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Acting with what she could explain only as supernatural power, and without so much as a single tear, she studied her husband and steadied her voice. The anger was still there, but her determination was greater. "We need counseling."
Tim"s mouth hung open. "Counseling?" He rolled his eyes, his tone louder than before. "Kari, I"m sorry this is hard for you to accept, but you need to hear me. I want a divorce, not counseling. I"m in love with someone else."
"That doesn"t matter." Kari leaned back and crossed her arms tightly in front of her. "G.o.d can forgive you."
Her husband swore under his breath and stared at her as if she"d just stepped off an alien s.p.a.ceship. "I don"t want G.o.d"s forgiveness." His voice filled the room. "Not now, not ever. It"s my life . .. however I choose to live it." She opened her mouth to say something, but he held out a hand to stop her. "I don"t want your forgiveness either. I don"t want to be married. It"s not fair to either of us." He paused, and the dejected calm returned to his tone. "I want a divorce. Nothing less."
Again a strength she couldn"t explain coursed through her. "You"re my husband, Tim. We promised each other forever. Whatever you"ve done, G.o.d can help me forgive you. We can get counseling and work it out."
Tim glared at her, got up and crossed the room, and grabbed the overnight bag he had brought home with him. He stood that way for a moment; then he let it fall once more and slowly came
32.
to stand with his feet nearly touching hers. "I loved you, Kari." He shrugged, and his eyes were sadder than they"d been since he arrived. "I never meant to hurt you with this. But I"m not staying married to you. I can"t live a lie." His voice grew softer. "I"m moving in with Angela tonight."
"No ..." The comment was out before Kari could stop it. The veneer of calm was giving way, threatening to release an avalanche of rage and pain and heartache.
She could feel her limbs shaking from her scattered emotions, and her mind raced as she considered her options.
Tim raked his fingers over the tops of his thighs as if he was trying to keep from shouting at her. Then his hands relaxed, and he spoke quietly, simply. "I"m sorry, Kari."
Without waiting another moment, he grabbed his bag again and headed toward their bedroom.
"Don"t do this, Tim." Her words trailed after him, but he didn"t look back. She closed her eyes and screamed, "Help me, G.o.d! I don"t know what to do."
For the next thirty minutes she stayed anch.o.r.ed to the chair. She heard him searching through the closet and pictured him finding his suitcase. She listened to the sound of dresser drawers and closet doors opening and closing, and finally he appeared in the living room once more.
He had a suitcase in each hand, the overnight bag hanging from his shoulder.
She felt like a dazed accident victim. "Don"t go."
Again the words seemed strangely out of place, as if they were coming from someone else. Tim was in love with another woman and wanted a divorce. He"d become the crudest man he could ever be. He"d broken their wedding vows and done the one thing that would give her a scriptural excuse for ending their marriage.
But despite her anger and grief, despite the shock that still shook her body, she knew one thing for certain: She didn"t want 33 a way out. She didn"t want to give up on her promise to stay no matter what, to love no matter the cost.
Her anger subsided. "Stay." Sorrow and fear smothered her voice. "Work it out with me. Please."
Tim hesitated, and she almost thought he might change his mind. She looked deeply into his eyes and willed him to hear her heart. Come on . . . don"t give up on us. ...
"Good-bye, Kari. I"ll call you tomorrow; we need to talk about the legalities."
He took one step toward the front door. "You can reach me at work."
Kari stood. She thought of a dozen things she wanted to say and do. She wanted to walk up and slap him across the face, spit at him, or kick him in the leg.
She wanted to punch a hole in the wall or collapse in a heap and have a complete breakdown-the one only G.o.d was holding at bay, the one she was certain to have in the hours and days and weeks ahead.
Instead, she looked at Tim as he walked out the door and said just one thing.
"I won"t give you a divorce."
34.
34.
35.
She slept on the couch, crying so hard she thought her ribs would break.
Countless times Kari considered going back to the woman"s apartment, finding Tim, asking him if it weren"t all a bad dream. Begging him to tell her it wasn"t true, that he wasn"t in love with one of his students, determined never to come home.
But in the end she stayed on the couch.
The truth was so real it was suffocating. Sometime around three o"clock in the morning, her heart began skipping about in irregular patterns. Sweat broke out across her forehead and she felt flushed. Kari recognized the symptoms. She was having an anxiety attack.
Small wonder.
She turned on the table lamp and reached for the Bible she kept beneath it. Show me something, Lord ... give me peace. I can"t make it through the night.
Flipping through the pages, she settled into Psalms and began skimming verses, looking for promises of peace or vengeance or at the very least, deliverance.
Her eyes scanned Psalms 48 and
36.
49, and then from deep in the sea of pain her feet hit solid ground.
It came in the form of Psalm 50:15: Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.
Nothing about what Tim had done was honorable; in fact, she was deeply ashamed for him, for both of them. But here in G.o.d"s Word, among all the other promises that would always be true, was one that seemed written just for her. To think that G.o.d would not only deliver her but also give her a chance to somehow honor him in the midst of this disaster. It was enough to make her heart rate return to normal and the flushed feeling fade.
Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.
"Help me, Lord," she whispered into the night. "I"m so lost."
She closed the Bible, flipped off the light, and lay there repeating the verse in the dark, believing the promise within. It was the only thing that got her through the rest of the night.
In the morning, when she remembered that Tim had left her for another woman, when the reality of that settled around her consciousness like a vise grip, she called her parents" house.
"h.e.l.lo?"
It was her mother. Help her understand without asking a lot of questions, G.o.d...
please. Kari knew she sounded awful; no doubt her mom would be worried. She closed her eyes and began to talk. "Hi, it"s Kari." A fresh bunch of sobs collected at the base of her throat, and she could no longer speak.
"Kari-honey, what"s wrong? Are you okay?" Kari felt strangely rea.s.sured by the alarm in her mother"s voice, as if she"d finally stumbled onto someone who cared.
Kari coughed, trying to clear away the thick and heavy sadness blocking her airway. The anger and fear from yesterday were gone. In their place was a sadness she couldn"t begin to describe. "I need to talk to you."
"Want me to come there?"
"No." Kari"s sinuses were swollen shut from hours of weeping, 37 and at the moment it was all she could do to carry on a conversation. "I"ll be there in an hour."
Minutes later she stepped into the shower and considered what her life had become. She had no idea how long Tim would be gone or how serious he was about the divorce.
And there, while the hot water washed over her body, she allowed herself to drift back to the days when she first met Tim Jacobs.
She remembered so many good things about him-his friendly looks, his sense of humor, his intelligence. His stalwart faith. Who wouldn"t have jumped at the chance to date him?
Kari mulled over these points and realized there was one thing about Tim that had stood out more than all the others combined. Ultimately it had been the thing that convinced her to marry him.
He made her forget about Ryan Taylor.
Kari Baxter"s senior year in college had been a difficult time for her. Some days her heart had been in such a shambles that she wondered how she got dressed in the morning, let alone survived the day.
Back then Tim Jacobs had seemed like the answer to all her prayers. Especially after the way things had ended with Ryan.
Kari sighed. It would do her heart no good to dwell on Ryan. Not now. Better to skip the part where the boy who had been her best friend, her first love, made his sudden and lasting exit from her life.
It was spring when Tim made his entrance, and Kari was in her final semester at Indiana University. Though she was still reeling, she had started to think she might survive. She even made a plan to attend a campus Bible study at the Indiana Memorial Union.
Kari remembered feeling indifferent that day, as if she were merely going through the motions. She showed up ten minutes early, slipped into a booth in the lounge where the study would be held, and rested her head on her backpack.
38.
Tim was one of a few people setting up that day, and for several minutes she watched him talk with a short, redheaded girl. " He seemed older than the average student, and Kari wondered if/ he was a professor. Most campus clubs had a faculty advisor.
"I know it might not be spiritual, but the way to really lure people in is with trips." The girl spoke with her hands, her voice tinny and flirtatious. "Lots of trips. I think a camp-out at Lake Monroe would be perfect."; Kari peered at Tim and noticed he was good-looking in a simple way-about six feet tall, with dark hair that already showed some distinguished gray. Eyes full of good-humored confidence.
Tim smiled as he shook his head. "I don"t think so, Ruth."
The redhead threw him a teasing look. "Why not?"
"A bunch of college kids on a camp-out?" He shook his head. "Then what? Next year we start a campus nursery for single mothers?"
"That"s what I like about you, Tim." A blush fell across the redhead"s face.
"Always thinking."
The girl put her hands on her hips and stifled a smile. She won"t let it drop, Kari thought absently. I wonder if he knows she has a crush on him. She shot a look at his left hand. No wedding ring. At least the redhead wasn"t flirting with a married man.