WHEN a man tells his wife that he is "sorry" about anything he has done he doesn"t mean that he"s sorry he did it, but that he"s sorry she found it out.
FLIRTATION is like a pink tea, harmless but not exciting; love is like a dinner with seven kinds of wine, satisfying and exhilarating but apt to leave you with an uncomfortable feeling that you ought to have stayed away from it.
A MAN"S wife is something like his teeth, in that he seems to be aware of her presence only when it becomes annoying or painful.
ONE advantage in being a married man is that you are not haunted by the harrowing suspicion that every pretty single woman you meet may have matrimonial designs upon you.
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A MAN"S sentiment is like cologne; he always offers you the cheap kind in large quant.i.ties.
A FEW years with the "George Washington" type of husband, who goes about with a hatchet and is too honest to flatter his wife, must make her long for a nice, comfortable companion like Ananias.
BEING clever at repartee means being able to say at the moment the brilliant thing which you usually don"t think of until ten minutes later.
a.n.a.lYZING your love for a woman is like dissecting a flower; by the time you have picked it to pieces and found out what it is composed of, its perfume and beauty are all gone. Sentimental botanists get about as much satisfaction out of life as dietetics out of a good dinner.
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A SUMMER resort is a place where a man will resort to anything from croquet to c.o.c.ktails for amus.e.m.e.nt and where a girl will resort to anything from a half-grown boy to an aged paralytic for an escort.
WHEN a man becomes a confirmed old bachelor it is not because he has never met the one woman he could live with, but because he has never met the one woman he couldn"t live without.
MANY a man who promises before marriage to lift every care off a girl"s shoulders won"t even begin by lifting the ice off the dumb-waiter after marriage.
ONE comfort in being a woman is that you have the right to cry; when a man sheds tears the poor thing always looks and feels as if he had been guilty of an immodest exposure of the soul.
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DON"T fancy a man is serious merely because he treats you to French dinners and talks sentiment; wait until he begins to take you to cheap tables d"hote and talks economy.
A MAN likes a wife who appeals to his lighter side, but the average man has so many lighter sides that no one woman could appeal to them all; and even if she could there is always his darker side and a peroxide blonde waiting around to appeal to it.
A WOMAN"S idea in marrying a man is that she may save his soul; his idea in marrying her is that she may save his socks and his digestion.
PEOPLE who marry "for a joke" certainly must be blessed with an awfully keen sense of humor.
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THE girl whose hair is a little too gold, whose chin is a little too pink and whose laugh is a little too gay, apparently doesn"t realize that even a siren couldn"t attract a man if she sang too loud.
THE "measure of a man" can usually be taken in half an hour"s acquaintance, but the true measure of a woman is something that is known only to her husband and her dressmaker.
"THE worst of certainty is better than the best of doubt," says the proverb; but when it comes to man"s love for a woman the worst of uncertainty is better for it than the best of security.
A MAN"S past is written on a slate which can be washed clean at will, but a woman"s is written in indelible ink in Mrs. Grundy"s reference book.
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MANY a woman who cannot be bought with any amount of gold can be won with just a little amount of bra.s.s.
IF MEN were absolutely certain that angels wear the sort of Mother Hubbard draperies in which they are usually painted instead of French corsets and sheath skirts, not one of them would bother about trying to get to heaven.
THE poet who sang of "woman"s infinite variety" must at some time have been the only young man at a summer hotel.
THE man who lets the tailor pad his shoulders is very contemptuous of the woman who lets the dressmaker pad her skirts.
NOWADAYS love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and divorce a matter of course.
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SOME men are so material that a beautiful sunset would remind them of nothing but Neapolitan ice cream, and a flock of sheep on a green hillside would suggest nothing more inspiring than lamb with mint sauce.
IN ancient times one drink of Lethe water made a man lose his memory and forget even his name. Oh, well, one drink will do that nowadays--but it isn"t Lethe and it isn"t water.
"JOY cometh in the morning"--but more often to the widow in second mourning.
EVERYBODY has adopted modern improvements and new methods nowadays except the stork, and he goes right along carrying on business in the same old way. No wonder he has lost so much of his fashionable trade to the up-to-date dog fancier.
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A PRETTY girl in a peek-a-boo waist and a Merry Widow hat on her way downtown can sometimes create more excitement in the business district than a Wall Street panic or a fire.
BEFORE marriage it fills a man with tenderness to have a girl slip her hand confidingly into his coat pocket; but after marriage somehow it fills him only with distrust.
IT is one of the mockeries of matrimony that the moment two people begin to be awfully courteous to one another round the house it is a sign they are awfully mad.
A MAN"S idea of being perfectly n.o.ble and honest with a woman is to be able to make her think he loves her without indulging in any incriminating statements to that effect.
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MOST women appear to think that ""tis better to have been loved and bossed" than never to have been married at all.
DISAGREEABLE habits, like disagreeable husbands and wives, are so much easier to acquire than the other kind and so much harder to get rid of.
A WIFE"S indignation at the women who flirt with her husband is often tempered by her pity and astonishment that they should be so hard up as to waste time on a man like him.
THE average husband has an idea that economy should begin at home--and end at the corner cafe.
MANY a wife would be glad to exchange places with her cook on that lady"s salary days and her evenings off.
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A MAN"S idea of showing real consideration for his wife is to make sure that she won"t find out what he is doing before he does anything that she would disapprove of.
THE first child makes a man proud, the second makes him happy, the third makes him hustle, and the fourth makes him desperate.
WHEN a man declares that making love to a particular woman "wouldn"t be right," he really means that it wouldn"t be safe; but he is too polite to say that.