Refusing to Serve Me? Then Off With Your Head!

Chapter 54 Part 1

40 Questions With the Emperor and Empress

The weather is hot and we are at the end of the story.  Since there is no closure to the story of the emperor and the empress yet, the author especially conducted this interview in order to give more insight into their lives after marriage,.

Xiao Feng:  (Gently glance at the author.)

The Author:  (Wipes sweat.)  Your Majesty may skip this.  Go on, Xiao Yi.

Xiao Yi:  They all call me An Xiao Lang….. Author daren, are you sure you didn’t mistook my gender?

The Author: …………….. (Even if I, this mother of yours could mistook your gender, the emperor who has been on the bed with you definitely couldn’t.)

The spectators: (Uproar)

Xiao Feng:  The author dares to suspect zhen’s gender?

The Author: (Wipes sweat!)  Your Majesty, I was wrong!  I have never suspected your gender, ever!

Xiao Yi: (Appears happy at other’s misfortune.)  If you are suspicious of His Majesty’s gender, why don’t you test him?

The Author: …… I am not interested in His Majesty……

Xiao Feng:  Are you saying that zhen has no charm?

Xiao Yi:  You actually dares to look down on His Majesty?  Somebody come!  Kick her out!

The Author:  (A dying dog hug it’s own head) Can you wait until I finish interviewing before kicking me out?  Perhaps, it is better if I say I am interested in His Majesty?

Xiao Yi:  Preposterous!  You actually dares to say that you are after my husband?  Somebody come and kick her out!

The Author: …………..

Xiao Feng:  (Smiles happily while watching his wife throwing a fit over nonsensical things.  There is a doting look on his face.)

3. How Did You Two Meet and Where?

Xiao Feng: Years ago, in the Biluo Forest.  She was naked.  (A reminiscing look.)

The Author:  Your Majesty remembered wrong.  It was during the banquet that night.  Xiao Lang was wearing clothes then…. (Speaking about it, men’s memories are so unreliable.)

Xiao Yi:  I received an edict to keep him company while sightseeing.

The Author:  (Lowers head and starts sweating)  Sometimes, a woman’s memory is even more unreliable.  They will automatically omits the embarra.s.sing ones.)

Xiao Feng:  Underneath the man’s clothing, she had a jade-like skin.  The only thing lacking was she was too thin.  Once she was taken care of, everything becomes perfect.

The Author:  (Men’s thoughts are always on that kind of thing…. Cough…)

Xiao Yi:  He was not a good person.

The Author:  Must be because he saw you while you were naked near the lake.  Still ain’t acknowledging that, eh?

Xiao Feng:  Does zhen needs to tell you what zhen likes about her?

Xiao Yi:  Let’s tell each other while resting on bed at night….

(The two of them looks at each other with love.)

The Author Who Turns Crazy by the Development:  Wei… Wei…. Mind your public conducts!

The Two People:  Be quiet!  You lack tact!  Why aren’t you retreating yet?

Xiao Feng:  Is there anything unlikeable about her?  (Threateningly looks at the author.)

The Author:  (Shivering before turning into a sycophant.)  No, Your Majesty’s eyes are really sharp, how can there be anything to dislike!

Xiao Yi: …… Actually….. (A coquettish and embarra.s.sed look.)  The emperor can be pretty hateful on bed….

Xiao Feng:  Which aspect is the empress talking about?  Come, let’s discuss it on bed.  Let’s experiment everything and tell me what you dislike!

Xiao Yi:  This is what I hate about you the most….. Can you spend less time doing…. that?

The Author:  (Looks at Xiao Yi in envy)  The saying that both drought and flood kills is true then….

Xiao Feng:  Xiao Yi.  Yi Er.  Of course, in front of the children, zhen calls her ‘empress’.  However, there are also times where zhen calls her ‘love’.

Xiao Yi:  (fists her hand) I refuse to call you love even if you hit me to death!

Xiao Feng:  I would never bear to hit you….

Xiao Yi:  (Blushes.)  Even during ‘that’, I refuse to call you ‘love’.

The Author:  (A dazed and curious expression.)  What ‘that’?  Can I film it?  Can I watch it?  Can I at least listen to it?

The Two People:  Get lost!  (Slapped away.  The pitiful gra.s.s climbs back up before loudly asking, “Is there any of you going to get married in the near future?  My biggest regret is not eavesdropping on couples!”)

The Crowd:  (Uproar!  The author is too despicable.)

Xiao Feng:  A piglet.  Some parts of her really resemble that creature.

Xiao Yi:  A beast.  He will display the characteristic of a beast sometimes.

The Author:  From the replies, we can tell who is the stronger and the weaker one!

Xiao Feng:  As long as it is not the late regent rising up from his coffin, everything else is fine.

Xiao Yi:  Everything I eat, drink and used belongs to him.  His entire body belongs to me, what is the purpose of giving gifts?

The Author:  Xiao Feng is so selfless, Xiao Lang is so ungrateful!  Everything that belongs to you and him are yours, even his entire person is yours?  Let me sigh a little, selfish women are really something.

Xiao Feng: (Furious eyes) You dared to call my Xiao Yi selfish?  She is what people call ‘straightforwardly cute!’  I reared her for so many years, who are you to speak?

The Author:  (aggrieved.)  I am the mother, how can I not care?

Xiao Feng:  Married daughters are like thrown water!  She is mine to care, now…..

Xiao Yi:  You two crooked people……

Xiao Feng:  Aren’t you our mother?  How come you didn’t know my bad habit?

Xiao Yi:  I have too many.  Let’s talk some other day, I won’t be able to finish it today.

The Author:  This is my written character?  I am too unconfident.

Xiao Feng:  Aren’t you our mother?  How come you didn’t know what her bad habit is?

Xiao Yi: (Fawns after husband with a grin) His Majesty’s bad habit is still a good habit…. No, I mean he didn’t even have bad habits!  What is wrong with you, author!

The Author: (Almost in tears) ….. I am the mother….. The characters I wrote are too rude!

Xiao Feng:  She went missing while playing around before our marriage.  After marriage, she always runs off to her maiden home.  Now, our children have followed her habit and always runs away to her family home.  Zhen is so stressed, one day, zhen will run off too.

The Author:  Your Majesty, do you have a place to go?

Xiao Feng:  Right.  The entire land is zhen’s, there is no difference wherever zhen goes.  (sits back down.)

Xiao Yi:  (Angrily glares at the writer)  What kind of question is that?  You should have asked this kind of questions separately.  You almost instigated him to leave home!  Whenever I ran away, he would be waiting in anger at the palace.  What if he is the one who runs away?  Am I supposed to wait for him angrily in the palace?

The Author:  Daughter-ah, you haven’t answered my question.

Xiao Feng:  When I carry her back home whenever she runs from the palace.  (Thinking of that, he looks satisfied.)

The Author:  Might as well focus on what happens after you carry her back.

Xiao Feng:  Once I carry her back, you can retreat away.  The Tong Shi in zhen’s palace have been beheaded.  You seem really idle lately, would you like to give her position a try?

(TN:  A Tong Shi is a female official in charge of managing the harem.)

The Author:  (Shrinks neck.)  That job is too risky, not suitable for me.

Xiao Yi:  Bringing all three kids to our palace.  Having a sleepover and telling them bed-time stories.

The Author:  (Sincerely giving daughter an advice.)  Actually, you can do this while the emperor is at the morning court.  That way, he will not be upset.

Xiao Feng:  Aren’t you the mother?

Xiao Yi:  Aren’t you the mother?

The Author:  A mother does not interfere with bed-side matters.  You people won’t even let me eavesdrop!

Xiao Feng:  While strolling across the Great Chen’s capital.

The Author: This guy keeps on ignoring Yan Ping’s existence.  He sure have sharp eyes ah!

Xiao Yi:  We went to eat together.  We were attacked by a.s.sa.s.sin.  He almost died….  I will not go on dates anymore….. Dates are scary….

The Author:  This girl keeps ignoring Yan Ping’s existence too…. The guy even injured himself trying to protect her….

Yan Ping:  (Clutches wound while staring at the pieces of his broken heart that is flying in the air)  I am a mere ornament.

The Author:  This guy watched too many TVB dramas.

TVB Viewers:  (Uproar!)  Go and resolve your own problems!  Why involve TVB in this?

Xiao Feng:  She kept picking me food.  I ate them even though I didn’t like them.

Xiao Yi:  He keeps picking me food.  I originally wanted to talk, but there are too many food.

The Author:  Does this describe the difference between a relationship before and after marriage?  Before marriage, the women wanted the men to shut up.  They didn’t want them to speak more honeyed words.  After marriage, the men wanted the women to shut up, probably because they nag too much.

Xiao Feng:  Shut up!

Xiao Yi:  Shut up!

The Author:  Did I accidentally divulge the truth?

Xiao Feng:  She was as good as something in my bag.

Xiao Yi:  Pooh!  More like a person!

The Author: (Praise) Such a tacit agreement!  However, whilst Xiao Yi considers herself a person, the emperor does not seem to think so.

Xiao Yi:  I am willing, so what?

The Author:  A married daughter is like thrown water.  She has become self-degenerate.

Xiao Feng:  Do one really need to do things like that?  Just carry her home!

Xiao Yi:  I think it was me.  He was sick and I was at his bedside.

The Author:  The difference between men and women are really big.

Xiao Feng:  Why would I tell you something that I would only say in the privacy of our room?

Xiao Yi:  Now that I have a husband, step aside, mother!

The Author:  Does that means that before you got married, the person you liked best was me, your mother?  How come I couldn’t see that?

Xiao Feng:  Do I even need to say that?  (The way he looks at the author seems to suggest that she has gone senile.)

Xiao Yi:  (Glares at author) Weren’t you the one who made me love him?

The Author:  (Scratches head)  Are you sure?  The two of you liked each other on your own volition.  Arranged marriages are illegal nowadays.