Chapter 740: Value (6)
I noticed his smiling face stiffen slightly.
The way he tapped on the table stood out. Anyone could see he was concerned.
I wondered if I had to say I was okay and that I was the same as usual, but I soon realized that the milk had already been spilled. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that I had said it unconsciously. However, it truly didn’t feel like I was doing well.
‘But why…’
Why?
‘I’m so happy.’
Sometimes I felt like I was sinking. In reality, it seemed that I was spending most of my time like that. The feeling of being left alone in an empty s.p.a.ce, the sense of breathing rapidly, the feeling of getting nauseous, my head becoming dizzy, and the sensation of constantly falling into a deep sleep.
That sensation was something that couldn’t be felt here.
If I were asked how I felt right now, it was more appropriate to say that I was happy.
It was a place where I didn’t have to blame myself and where I didn’t have to take responsibility.
I didn’t have to carry a sword. I didn’t have to kill people.
It was a place where I was with my loved ones, and just watching them make their lives successful made me smile. Even in the utopia that I had pictured in my dream, Kim Hyunsung was still not okay.
“I-I… I shouldn’t have said that…”
“Guild Master, are you okay?”
“Yes, Hyejin.”
“Hyung-ssi. Are you okay? You don’t look good.”
“Yeah… I am… fine.”
“Are you really okay? You look pale…”
“Yes. I’m… I’m okay, Ye-ri.”
Was it because I had regrets left? Maybe so. If not, it could be because of the guilt that I was running away.
‘But…’
I would say that it was a reasonable judgment. The man in front of me might agree with my choices. Lee Kiyoung was a practical man, after all.
He knew better than anyone else that I was now useless.
‘He must know.’
It was more proper for her to take care of things than the incompetent me. As she said, Kim Hyunsung was a failed human. If I defined my life in one word, it was no different than failure.
I did nothing and only lost, and this time wouldn’t be different. Even if I came forward, I would make the situation worse. If I made a mistake, I would lose again, just like how it had always been so far.
“I-I just blurted out something random, so you don’t have to take it too seriously.”
“…”
“I meant it.”
“…”
“…”
“Shall we talk for a minute?”
“What?”
“I think it would be better to talk separately for a while.”
“But…”
“I don’t think it will take that long… and others will understand.”
As I looked around, I saw them nodding.
“No, you don’t have to do that. I just said it unconsciously… Today is the meeting’s day, and you must be busy.”
“I am saying this because I want to. Let’s go outside.”
I could see him getting up first. As I stood up, dazed, I noticed that I was suddenly out of the meeting place.
The scenery was different from the continent. The neon signs were slowly lighting up, and I heard people talking. It was somehow awkward to walk around there. I couldn’t get used to being among so many people.
I could see people walking by looking at their cell phones, groups strolling down the street with friends or lovers, drunk individuals, and others who were spending time in their own way.
And I saw him blending among the crowd without looking out of place. I had always thought about it, but he seemed to naturally fit in everywhere.
Would I be similar to him? How would I look now?
As I looked slightly sideways, I saw my reflection on the gla.s.s. It was more different than what I imagined inside. Refreshingly, I realized that I didn’t fit in. There was a bitter smile at the fact that even that place couldn’t accept Kim Hyunsung, but I had to keep walking.
If I walked with Kiyoung, I might feel like I was blending a bit. Perhaps others wouldn’t feel I was out of place either.
“What do you think?”
“I’m sorry?”
“I mean this place.”
“If you say this place…”
“I mean the Earth. This place we are walking right now.”
“…”
“Are you uncomfortable?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Go on.”
“It seems very comfortable. Compared to the continent, this is not a dangerous place, and there are few things to worry about. At least it seems to be less heavy than being there.”
“If you say it seems to be less heavy…”
“Er… Kiyoung, you don’t have to take what I said earlier too seriously. It’s just something that came out unconsciously.”
“I am asking you because I know that it came out unconsciously. I don’t think you’re satisfied with the present reality… I thought there must be some other reason. Is it hard for you to adapt?”
I had never thought about it. Although I had been here for a long time, I had never really felt it.
However, it also felt like that. If I had to choose between adapting or not, I had no choice but to choose the first one.
“I can understand. Suddenly living on Earth is surprising and must be hard. We have lived on that continent for a very long time, after all. In your case, you’ve been there longer than me, so it’s understandable to be confused.”
“…”
“I think you may be feeling awkward that you don’t fit.”
That was exactly right.
“But it’s not just you. I think everyone is feeling that way. It’s not easy to blend with people and blend into society. The size of the burden we have will be all different, but most people will feel the same thing.”
“Yes… I understand.”
“I’m not telling you to be patient and to hold on since everyone is having hardships. The point I want to say is that just realizing that there are many people like you can help. Those walking over there, people with friends, everyone is the same. The people who are walking while looking at their cell phones are all people like you.”
“…”
“They’re individuals who we haven’t ever even spoken to, but everyone here might mutually understand. If you think of them as the same as you, that will be possible. It may not be enough, but I think that is the first step. If that’s not enough, let’s think closer.”
I could see him smiling widely.
“A little bit narrower, our guild members who came from the continent with us will be able to become our understandings.”
His eyes narrowed, and his mouth opened.
“More narrowly than that, I will be able to become Hyunsung’s understanding.”
He seemed to be telling me to get rid of my worries and concerns.
“You also…”
“I don’t think there are any humans in the world who aren’t afraid of that. Everyone seems to be doing well, but they’ve probably thought about it at least once. I am no exception.”
“Ah…”
“That’s why I can tell you. I was the same. I thought some people could understand and help me. Of course, you were included in it.”
“What?”
“Didn’t we do and shared many things? Am I…”
“Oh, no. You’re not wrong. You’re not wrong… at all.”
“That’s a relief.”
It felt as if the bugs that were eating me up inside were disappearing gradually. My anxiety disappeared like snow melting, and my heart that was vigorously beating, seemed to calm down slowly.
I smiled unknowingly. It was nothing special, but it was more comforting and relaxing than any other rea.s.surance I heard.
“I’m the one relieved. I am. I didn’t know you were thinking like that…”
It was just after that that the situation was reversed.
“How would I not think so? Of course, it’s not like I fully understood you, and you fully understood me, but…”
“…”
“Didn’t we carry each other’s burdens?”
“Ah…”
“You also carried my burden with me.”
“Um…”
“I thought that if it were you, you would understand me. I thought you were thinking like me.”
“Um… um…”
“The reason I can presumptuously say this is because I had carried your burden with you. Of course, it wasn’t enough.”
It wasn’t that. I had never felt that.
“Um… Ah… um…”
“The reason I have been able to get along well here is that you have been my support.”
However, I had never been a support to him. He carried my burden with me, but I had never carried his burden.
Rather, I ran away.
I ran, and now I was here.
“No… I… I…”
My head started to get dizzy. I was short of breath, but I couldn’t breathe properly either. Things around me couldn’t get into my eyes properly, and I couldn’t hear his voice well. A terrible sense of shame surrounded my whole body.
‘A human trash.’
“I am…”
‘A selfish human. A man who is extremely selfish and cares only for himself.’
The face in front of my eyes seemed to be talking with his mouth wide open.
‘I thought you would carry my burden together with me. I thought you would support me as much as I carried your burden with you.’
“So…”
Tears were filling up in my eyes. I couldn’t really tell where I was at that moment. As I turned my head hurriedly, I could see myself standing with my sword.
“What are you doing here, Kim Hyunsung?”
As I hurriedly turned to the other side, Kim Hyunsung, 22 years old, held a corpse whose shape was unrecognizable.
“Are you running away again? You said you wouldn’t run away. You made up your mind that you would never run away or avoid it. You pledged like that after losing your hyung.”
As I turned, a monster with horns on his head spoke.
“It’s not you that’s carrying his burden. It’s me. You are running away. You’re just running away because you don’t have the courage to do anything, you selfish b.a.s.t.a.r.d.”
‘No, I…’
“He sacrificed everything for you. He threw himself in front of danger to carry your burden. What’s the result? It’s me, but I can’t help but hate you. You don’t deserve to stand next to him. It’s good for a rat like you to rot in h.e.l.l for a lifetime.”
‘I didn’t mean to do that. I didn’t mean to do that. My actions make sense. I’m going to ruin everything. I will ruin everything.’
“What did you do for him? What did you do for him while he was struggling to take care of you, you selfish sc.u.m?”
‘I… I…’
“Now, it’s your turn to sacrifice.”
-Kim Hyunsung. Now, it’s your turn to sacrifice.