She gave a slight shake of her head. "Maris-"
"Means nothing to me," I finished for her. "I know how it sounded. It"s how I need it to look."
"What are you saying? You don"t really want to stay here and marry-"
"I"m saying that we"re getting out of here. I"m saying that we can still go to Allu. It"s not some hopeless, distant dream. We can be together, Luna, but they have to believe we want to be here. They have to believe we"re content, and when they don"t suspect it, we escape."
The longest pause followed. Bleakness crossed her face. "What of Relhok? My kingdom? If neither one of us marries into the royal family of Lagonia, then we leave Relhok to Cullan. I don"t know if I can do that. I know weeks ago I thought I could." She gave a slight shrug. "I thought the dream of Allu was the only thing that mattered, but now . . ."
Frustration bubbled up inside me. How much of herself would she give? How much would she sacrifice? She was still willing to give up everything for a country she didn"t even know.
I refused to let her do that.
I pressed on, desperate to reach her. "Why are you so tied to Relhok? You have no memory of it." I shook my head. She bit her lip, clearly conflicted. "Do you so badly want to be a queen that you would marry a stranger?"
"It"s not that," she shot back quickly, hot color flooding her face. "I"m not that shallow or power hungry. That"s never what I wanted. If you claim to know me, you should know that much!"
"Then what is it? Tell me, Luna. Because I cannot stay here and watch you marry him."
The moisture in her eyes pooled and spilled over, dripping down those pale freckled cheeks. I swiped at the tears with my thumbs. When they didn"t stop, I leaned in and pressed my mouth over each cheek, kissing the salty tracks with far more restraint than I felt. The need to grab her and crush her to me, pull her inside myself, was overwhelming. I"d never felt this before.
"My father knows you"re alive," I whispered hoa.r.s.ely, pausing to let that sink in, hoping she fully understood what I was saying. "Have you considered what that means?"
She took a sip of air. Her mouth was so close, damp from tears and that sweet dew that clung to her. "It means the kill order on girls is lifted. That"s the only thing that matters."
"You know what I"m saying." My thumbs pressed a fraction deeper, as though I could will her to acknowledge it to me. "There is no way he would let you live now. He"ll be sending someone. An a.s.sa.s.sin, soldiers, an entire army. You"re a threat to his crown. He cannot let your claim go uncontested. We cannot stay here. Even if we wanted to, it"s not possible."
"You make it sound so easy." She rubbed at the center of her forehead as though she was feeling the beginnings of a headache. I felt a twinge of guilt. She had just survived an encounter with dwellers, and here I was hounding her, demanding she agree to put her life in my hands and escape this place with me. But if she didn"t agree, she"d likely die here. Nowhere near Tebald was safe. He was a ruthless tyrant. And my father would eventually come for her. Even dwellers wouldn"t stop him.
"We will need a strategy, but we can break out of here."
She fell to silence again. She was thinking, stewing. She took a shuddery breath and finally spoke. "I have to confess something."
Unease gripped my chest. "What?"
"I never intended to stay here." She stopped and took a deep breath. "Well, I never considered it for longer than a moment or two."
My chest loosened. "Oh. Then why are we arguing-"
"I was planning to escape . . . except without you."
Without you.
I stared at her for a moment, still holding her face even as she uttered those words that stabbed my heart. She was going to escape without me. Again. d.a.m.n it all. I suppose I should be used to her pushing me away at this point, but it would never feel good. I would never be immune to it.
A bleak kind of fury burned through me. I dropped my hands from her face and all that velvet skin, practically flinging her from me.
"Again?" I accused.
She nodded. "I knew if you stayed and married the princess, Relhok would be a.s.sured some kind of ruler that was just and good."
"You think that would be a.s.sured? Ha! Marrying Maris doesn"t change the fact that my father still sits on the throne."
"But not forever," she argued.
I shook my head. "a.s.suming my b.a.s.t.a.r.d father dies tomorrow, Tebald would then reign over both kingdoms. After him, it would be his son. And as far as I can tell, Chasan is every bit as ruthless as his sire."
She paled. Clearly, she hadn"t thought this through enough. Doubt crossed her expressive face. "I just thought that with you here your influence would do some good." Her voice faded. Her chin shot up, fire in her cheeks. "You"re right. I was wrong."
The tension in my shoulders ebbed. Finally, she was starting to see things my way.
Then, she added, "But Cullan still has to be stopped."
"We can escape together and forget about all of this. We"ll build a life in Allu. You and me." It was strange to think that weeks ago I had only ever wanted to be alone, but now I couldn"t imagine life without her in it.
She dropped her head, hiding her face so that I couldn"t see her clearly.
"Luna," I whispered. She made me crazy and reckless. I reached for her, closed my fingers around her arms, and pulled her to me. As though I could somehow absorb her into myself . . . remind her what it was like between us. Remind myself. The reality of what it felt like to hold her in my arms had dimmed.
She faced me, her expression set into something grim. "I"ll escape with you, but I"m going to Relhok. With or without you."
I kissed her, drinking in her sigh rather than arguing with her anymore. Maybe a part of me hoped to influence her, seduce her, get her to say she would go anywhere with me, but I had forgotten what kissing her was like. The first brush of her lips seduced me.
Pulling back, I held her face, skimming her features, engraving them into my soul. I waited, giving her time to pull away if that was what she really wanted.
She didn"t pull back. Her fingers circled my wrists, tugging me back to her, so I kissed her again, drove my fingers into her shorn hair, curving my palms around her skull. Her pulse bled into me through the connection of our mouths, the rhythm pa.s.sing through my palms.
I had ceased all thinking and let sensation take over. The back of my neck pulled tight, goose b.u.mps breaking out over my skin and chasing all the way down my body. A heavy tightness pooled low in my spine as we backed up together. I didn"t look up. All my focus was on her mouth. Her scent. The callused pads on her small palms. I vaguely registered a slight b.u.mp as we reached the bed.
Then we were on the bed, and all the desperation, all the near sc.r.a.pes spiraled into this need for each other. We had overcome every impossibility and were still alive and still together. Maybe it couldn"t last, maybe it wouldn"t, but for now we had this.
Solitude. Hands. Mouths. Warm lantern light gilded her skin as I peeled the edge of her nightgown down to reveal a smooth shoulder. She sighed at my mouth skimming her skin, and then her hands were in my hair, her nails lightly sc.r.a.ping through strands and reaching my scalp, sending shivers up and down my neck.
I inched back slightly, just to look at her, to see her beneath me. Her features so soft, her pale skin flushed pink over the smatter of freckles. I was breathing hard as she brought her fingers to my lips, touching, tracing the shape. I kissed each one; her palm, her wrist, the back of her knuckles.
"Luna, how do you taste like this?" I breathed against her skin, my tongue licking, savoring her flesh.
She sighed in response, and I brought my mouth to hers again, kissing her harder. Her lips slanted against mine hotly, searing me. She knew how to kiss, how to affect me. Our breaths crashed and collided. Her hands moved faster, skimming my arms, my back, dipping lower.
My heart hammered like a wild bird in my chest. Everything felt new. With Luna it was love. It spiked my need, made everything more desperate, more feverish. She thought she didn"t need this. Need me.
Everything flew faster then. Hushed words, groping hands, dragging mouths. I tried to hold back, thinking I was too rough, moving too fast, but she nipped at my lips with a growl and then all was lost. I was lost.
There was nothing but sliding skin and smell and taste. The sound of my name on her lips. Her nails scoring my flesh. Her warm breath in my ear.
I buried my hands in her hair, ma.s.saging her scalp, holding her to me and kissing her until my lips grew bruised and swollen. I pulled back, watching her, not missing the dark heat in her eyes. Her fingers dug into my shoulders and my name rasped on her lips in a way that lit a fire in my gut.
I settled my weight into the warm coc.o.o.n of her body, swallowing her kiss, her moan. Her. I thought I was flying out of my skin. She did that to me . . . made me feel like I was soaring. Like I was free.
TWENTY-TWO.
Luna
I LAY ON my back, Fowler"s arms loosely wrapped around me. I could smell his skin, clean and musky beside me. I knew he would have to go soon. The castle would wake and a maid would come to my room. It wouldn"t do for her to find Fowler here. That would create a whole new set of problems we hoped to avoid. Even knowing this, I snuggled deeper into his arms.
His fingers trailed through my hair, which ended near my ears. It still felt strange that it was so short. Each time Fowler started at the roots and stroked his way down the strands I was reminded that it was gone. Fitting, I supposed. That girl was gone, too.
"It bothers me that you think you don"t know me." His voice rumbled beside me. I flinched slightly.
"I was angry when I said that."
"Because if you don"t know me then no one does. And that matters now. Someone has to know me or it"s as though I"m not even here. I don"t exist."
I inhaled and released my breath in a steady stream. It felt good to hear him say that. When I first met him, he didn"t care about what happened to anyone . . . even himself. He didn"t want to care about me. He definitely didn"t want to love me. But he did. I ran a finger down the center of his chest. "I know a way out of the castle."
His fingers ceased moving through my hair. He propped an elbow beside my head and hovered over me. "You what?"
A smile tempted my lips. "There"s a hidden door in the kitchens leading out of the castle. At least that"s what I was told." I knew I should maybe suspect the source, but she didn"t have any reason to lie to me about that. I believed her. Or at least I believed it was worth investigating.
He laughed lightly and pressed his mouth to mine. Coming up for air, he murmured, "It shouldn"t surprise me that you know this."
I looped my arms around his neck and said loftily, "Well, I did dive underground and rescue you from a horde of dwellers."
"Yes, you did, and now you found a way out of here. You can do anything, Luna."
"You"re correct," I teased. "Don"t forget that."
"Don"t worry. I wouldn"t be able to forget anything about you."
My smile faded. I wasn"t the only girl he found unforgettable. There was another one. Another girl he couldn"t forget. I moistened my lips, deciding it was time to ask him. After everything we"d been through, after tonight, if I couldn"t say what was on my mind then I was a coward.
I finally got the words out. "Tell me about Bethan."
His hand stilled, and I tensed in the stretch of silence, every moment that pa.s.sed convincing me he wasn"t going to say anything. Or he was going to change the subject. Disappointment weighed on me.
"I-I"ve never talked about it." He gave a brief, humorless laugh. "Not that I"ve had a slew of friends since I left Relhok. It"s only that sometimes . . . the guilt . . . well, it eats at me."
"Guilt? Why do you feel guilty?"
He took his time before answering. His voice rumbled out of the dark. "Bethan died because of me. For weeks she wanted to run away to find the Isle of Allu. She believed in every story she ever heard of it. It was all she could talk about. She wanted to flee. She was so frightened of staying in Relhok City, but I wouldn"t listen. I thought we had time . . ."
"Why was she frightened to stay there?" In my mind, the walls surrounding Relhok had to offer some comfort. More protection than anything to be found in the Outside.
"She was afraid of my father. She knew he didn"t approve of us. And she was afraid of the lottery. Every fortnight, my father sacrificed a human to the dwellers." His pained sigh wormed its way inside me, making me shudder. "I should have listened. She was right. My father wasn"t going to permit me to love anyone that did not benefit him. It was simple enough to rig the lottery so that her name was pulled. I couldn"t stop him. I couldn"t save her."
His words echoed around us in the vastness of my room. A swell of silence rose between us before I said, "You can"t blame yourself for the actions of others. Your father is guilty. Not you."
He sighed again. "I know that. It"s taken me a while to accept it, but I do know that. That"s not why I feel so guilty."
"It"s not?" I pulled back slightly, not understanding.
"No."
"Then why do you feel guilty?"
"She asked me to go and I couldn"t. I didn"t." He took a breath, his fingers moving through my hair again, sifting through strands and making me melt against him. "But you . . . you could ask me anything and I would do it, Luna. For you, I would do anything. For that, I feel guilty." My heart constricted at his confession. "I feel more for you than I"ve felt for anyone."
Words abandoned me. All those jealous, selfish thoughts I"d had about this mystery girl made me feel small and shamed. She was dead. I had no right to begrudge her relationship with Fowler. Just as I had no right to feel so elated over Fowler"s admission.
Since I couldn"t say anything, I did what I could. I kissed him.
TWENTY-THREE.
Fowler
NOW THAT I was permitted to leave my bed, I conducted a discreet reconnaissance of the palace over the next couple of days. Maris was my constant shadow, but that didn"t stop me from a.s.sessing, weighing options, and considering the best way for Luna and me to get to the kitchens undetected.
I was learning the layout of the palace under the guise of strolls with Maris. The number of guards, the number of servants; the patterns and routines of everyone inside these walls were becoming as known to me as the back of my hand. I had to know this place and all its comings and goings-especially as they pertained to the kitchens. We"d have only one chance. There could be no surprises.
Luna and I hadn"t had an opportunity to talk alone since I was in her room two nights before. I fought to keep my distance, not trusting myself to keep my feelings for her buried. Just as Maris was always near me, Chasan hovered close to her side.
And yet everything had changed between us. I didn"t need to say a word around her to know this. She knew it, too. She sensed whenever I was nearby. Her features would soften. The glow in her skin hinted at secrets. Her lips would fight smiles when she heard my voice or when I brushed a hand against her arm or hip. Casual touches no one would notice. But she knew, and so did I.
At night, I lay awake, my brain busy dreaming of Luna and contemplating our escape. If we left undetected, whilst everyone slept, we could have several hours" lead.