I would, through grace strengthening me, give G.o.d my undivided heart.
Lord, here I am, take me, and possess me wholly.--Glory be to G.o.d my soul lives. I feel "drawn by the lure of strong desire" to choose G.o.d for my portion. The last week has been one of trial, but I am constrained to believe the Lord doeth all things well.--We arrived in Scarbro" after being much favoured during a showery day; but praise belongs to our heavenly Benefactor.--We took a walk to the church and castle; where my dear John unfortunately lost his watch. After searching for it in vain for nearly an hour, and thinking of returning home, providence led him to the place where he had dropped it. Surely it can be esteemed no other than the gift of heaven, since it had lain an hour exposed to the public crowds that resorted thither.--The day was fine, and we spent it in sitting a little in the house, and in walking upon the sands and among the rocks, seeking for sh.e.l.ls, the beauty of which, with the wide ocean, and surrounding prospect, made me wish for the pen of a scribe and the imagination of a poet; but I found wishing to be a vain employment.
"About a quarter past eight in the morning my Eliza was born. Blessed be G.o.d he graciously supported me in the trial. O that mother and child may be devoted to Thee, thou G.o.d of infinite compa.s.sion. Give me more grace that I may walk unblameable in thy sight, and before those over whom thy providence has place me. Teach me to order my conversation aright, and to keep myself unspotted from the world. O my G.o.d, I have nothing to offer for all the blessings asked; but help me to be thy devoted servant from this moment.
"1807. My dear husband has made a purchase, which is to me a source of anxiety; but Lord, Thou knowest,--Thou rulest over all, help and direct. O let us in all our ways acknowledge Thee, that thou mayest direct our steps. Keep, O keep us from being a discredit to Thy cause; and in this particular set us right.--I am left alone with my infant, who begins to steal my affections more than I ever thought of. O G.o.d, take my poor heart, lost a creaturely attachment be too strongly rooted within my breast. Lord, Thou knowest me altogether, and the secret springs of my affection, cleanse me from all defilement; purify me from all my sins, and let me this moment yield myself entirely to Thee; and as Thou deignest to visit dust, visit me.--Time glides away; eternity approaches; and yet, alas! my mind fluctuates as the wind. O my G.o.d, shall I never be firmly grounded upon Thyself. Come, "Desire of nations," save me from anxiety respecting worldly things; let all our temporal affairs be under Thy management, and our happiness centre in doing thy will.
How vainly have I sought in things beneath To place a confidence, which faithless earth Can never recompence! O firmly fix My soul on joys above the smiling skies; Let Jesus" love inspire, and fill my heart.
G.o.d bless my dear companion. Settle and fix his affections on Thyself,--the supreme good. Let every faculty of his mind be at Thy command.
"1808. Twelve o"clock at night. Lord, my mind aspires heavenward. Let heaven, I beseech Thee, come into my soul. Let the radiance of Thy love fill me with light and life divine. Give me sensibly to feel and know, that Thou art reconciled to me, without Thy grace, effectually undone. I feel something within my heart, is it the effect of Thy love? If it is, let it more powerfully affect my soul, that I may live in constant readiness to take my flight to yon bright realms above.
But is that bliss prepared for me? O let me feel it. This afternoon my brother Richard died. Alas! how uncertain are all sublunary things!
He was just entering life, and lo! he is s.n.a.t.c.hed away. Surely the all-wise "I AM" saw evil gathering, and kindly removed him to a happier clime, safe from impending danger. Well, my Richard is gone; while I, four years older, am yet alive. Mercy, that took him, spares me with the same gracious design; "not willing that any should perish, but that all might have everlasting life." May that blessed end be answered in my poor soul, which without Thy enlivening presence feels an "aching void" which the whole world cannot fill.
"This day has been a day of affliction, but it drives me to the Lord.
My dear husband and children are entwined about my heart. Lord, help me to give them freely up, and do Thou take, and possess me whole."
The following lines were addressed to a valued friend:--
Whitehead, awake! and sweep the lyre again With touch seraphic to a Saviour slain; A Saviour, worthy of sublimest verse, A Saviour"s love too mighty to rehea.r.s.e; The purest theme that ever fired the tongue, Gave life to genius,--harmony to song; Fill thy enraptured soul with thought divine, And pour its fulness on the glowing line.
"1809.--Have had a tooth drawn. O that the dire root of sin were as effectually taken away, never more to disturb my happiness; and that pure perennial peace might succeed,--I have been visiting the sick: but oh! how inadequate to the responsible task! O my G.o.d awake my drowsy powers, and fit me for every sphere I have to fill in life.--I feel more heartfelt joy in leaning upon Christ than anything else; yet it is hard work to keep the mind disentangled from worldly cares.
Things needful to me, seem the most dangerous, and what I am most liable to be ensnared by. In visiting some infirm people my soul was deeply affected, when I considered their age, and ignorance, and my own inability to instruct them. How great is the ignorance of mankind!
O that G.o.d would apply some word spoken by his poor dust."
During the time the Rev. A.E. Farrar was stationed in York, her aspirations after purity of heart reached a crisis, and she was enabled by faith to claim the promise; "Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it." For some time her convictions were so clear and distinct, that to use her own words she "durst not say she had not received the blessing." But this happy experience--the Christian"s highest privilege on earth--was soon interrupted by doubtful reasonings; still her conscience was
"Quick, as the apple of an eye, The slightest touch of sin to feel."
As an instance of her conscientiousness we mention a circ.u.mstance which took place somewhere about this time. A farmer, who owed my father a considerable sum of money, had been repeatedly importuned for payment, but without effect; and it was at length given up, as a bad debt. One Sabbath morning, while she was sitting alone, he unexpectedly called to settle his account. She said, "We have nothing to do with receiving money on a Sunday; it is the Lord"s day, and we do not think it right." "Well," replied the man, holding the money in his hand, "you might as well take it while you have the chance of it."
But neither argument, nor expostulation, could induce her to touch the forbidden notes. The man therefore pocketed the money, and went away; but not without an admonition on keeping holy the Sabbath day. No one eventually loses anything by the maintenance of principle, and the debt was honestly discharged the following week.
The solitary record of the year 1810, is contained in the following lines, which may be regarded as expressive of her own feelings.
Jesus, Thy glorious name shall still My musing thought and tongue employ; Whose presence doth creation fill.
Be Thou my portion and my joy.
Jesus! blest source of all my hope, In whom my spirit finds its rest; Whose precious blood, inspiring thought!
Hath purchased heaven to make me blest.
Where can a mortal language find, To tell such love when angels fail?
"G.o.d did so love the world," and died, That love by justice might prevail.
Drawn by this love, a witness I, That G.o.d to all the Saviour gave; Who willing are, may testify, He can unto the utmost save.
"1811.--I thank G.o.d for the blessed privilege of hearing the ministers of righteousness, but lament their word makes so little impression upon my heart. I seem a forgetful hearer, or as one that hears the word with joy, but little fruit appears to perfection. Yesterday, irritated by some frivolous cause, I was thrown off my guard, and grieved the spirit of G.o.d. This occasioned a sense of condemnation, and though now the Lord blesses me, I cannot forgive myself. O that I again enjoyed the sanctifying influences of His Holy Spirit! Until this is the case, I shall be whirled about by my enemies within. Lord make me more in earnest, that I may never rest till again the sweet power of sovereign love has possession of my heart.--I rose early to attend the prayer-meeting, and receiving grace from Him whose birth we commemorated, I fancied my hill stood strong; and that I should be able to rise above everything I might have to try me: but alas! I again proved my own weakness. My little charge were some of them sick, others cross, all wanted me; so that all my graces were put to the test. O that I had more patience, that I might sit "calm on tumult"s wheel." Lord, Thou knowest me altogether, I would not be a hypocrite, neither wound Thy cause by impatience; Thou hast promised strength for the day, and I am determined to cast my whole soul on Thee;--to have Thee for my Saviour. At the lovefeast much was said respecting family prayer. I bless G.o.d. This duty is my delight."
To a friend slighted in love, she writes--
Alas my friend! what can I say to cheer?
What sound is sweet to a distracted ear?
Turn from the creature, disappointed, turn: Lament your folly,--deeply humbled mourn, Your disregard of Him, who died to gain Your worthless heart, and bid you love again.
O! turn to him, who gave himself for you, Your love, your heart, your life, are all his due; No fickleness or change in him is known, _He_ loves and will for ever love his own; Here place your treasure, and here find your rest, Make G.o.d your all, and be for ever blest.
"1812.--Through grace I am resolved on the side of virtue. I have peace in G.o.d, and a growing desire to imitate him in my daily walk; but no marvel if all my best actions need purging from their dross. I seem all pollution; yet my soul lays hold upon the Saviour, who alone is able to purify my nature. On February 3rd, my sister Anna died, eleven years old. I was called to witness the pleasing, painful, awful scene. While kneeling by her bed, after a paroxysm of extreme agony, as she had a moment"s respite, my mother said; "Ask her if she is happy to lift up her hand." She did instantly and said, "A kiss," and so turned recollectedly to each, with a smiling countenance, while her dying lips were but just sensible of the impression; then after another short struggle she sweetly fell asleep in Jesus. So I alone am left to tell it."
1813.--After adverting to a number of painful circ.u.mstances, she adds:--"Praise G.o.d, the seizure of my own body, though by far the most painful of these occurrences, has been the greatest blessing. On the first attack I was stupified--but the Lord liberated me and supplied grace in the hour of need. Thus have I experienced how suddenly the Lord can take away the choicest of all blessings, health. Being through mercy again restored, my soul derives its happiness from G.o.d.
I see before me broad rivers and streams springing from that fountain, whence all solid comfort flows; but great weakness, much unfaithfulness, many omissions and errors in myself. Lord increase my faith, that I may enter the holiest by the blood of Jesus. For some time I have met in band with Mrs. W. We have had many precious seasons together.--A circ.u.mstance occurring which was misconstrued, put me suddenly out of temper, and caused me much pain of mind, besides displeasing others together with my dear partner. O my G.o.d, but for Thy blood, I should lose all hope of eternal happiness; yet blot not, I beseech Thee, my name out of the book of life; but if ever my heart went with my words, I entreat Thee,--
"Chase this self-will through all my heart, Through all its latent mazes there."
"1814.--Reflecting on the past--my mercies and ingrat.i.tude, my warnings and neglect, my privileges and non-improvements, my affliction and restoration to health, Thy love, O G.o.d, in ten thousand instances, and my small affection, I wonder why I am still the object of Thy care, but I see the cause in Jesus" blood. There the reason lies. O might I here my nature lose, and gain the Infinite."
Musing on the loss of her children, three of whom had died in infancy, she writes:--
Blest mother! thus to yield to G.o.d The gifts so lately given; Blest babes I for you have cross"d the flood, And safely "scaped to heaven.
I have been very much hara.s.sed with temptation of an awful kind,--to blaspheme the blessed Spirit. My G.o.d, preserve me. I shudder at the thought, and have necessarily been driven to G.o.d in prayer.--I have to praise G.o.d for temptation; for seeking refuge in Jesus, my only defence against my enemy, I have a firmer confidence in Him as my Saviour.
Whither, O whither, should I go?
To Thy blest wounds I flee; No refuge can I find below, My help is all in Thee.
"The illumination! a crowded city! many devices! The face of the people seems to speak peace, but Thou, Lord, seest the heart. Set my heart right.--As the clock struck three I was awoke with the words; "Put on the helmet of salvation and the weapon of all prayer." For a time fear crept over me, lest my husband and child, both from home, should return ill; but as I meditated, the pa.s.sage occurred; "All things work together for good to them that love G.o.d." I was instantly delivered; and all I could t.i.tter was, Glory be to G.o.d. As I lay praising and praying, these lines arose in my mind.
If time is so precious, and death on the wing, Oh! shelter me, Jesus, secure from his sting; Now open the fountain, and wash out my stain, That to live may be Christ, and to die may be gain.
This, this is the honour to which I aspire, The grace to attain it is all I desire; Oh! fill me with heaven, through faith in Thy blood, Then crown me with glory, and lift me to G.o.d.
I have had a precious morning--arose a little before five, and spent an hour alone. G.o.d was with me. Glory! Glory!"
"How time hurries on! Another year has almost stolen away. Where am I?
What am I? Thus much of time is gone; how much fitter am I for heaven?
I pause,--am alone,--but "Thou G.o.d seest me." On my knees, I ask Thy mercy, and implore Thee to be mine for ever. Precious Jesus! I feel Thee willing to save me, and a sweet confidence Thou wilt save me.
O! the sweetness of union with G.o.d!--My mind is troubled about the future. Sensible of my own weakness, my children"s welfare awakens my concern. O my G.o.d, take charge of my little ones. While attempting to instruct them to-day, my two little girls seemed affected. O let this be the beginning of Thy fear in their hearts, that shall never, never, depart."
Her anxiety on behalf of the salvation of her children was intense.
Her efforts were commenced with the first dawn of intelligence, and continued with unremitting ardour until they were rewarded with success. By timely instruction and caution, by counsel and expostulation, by warning and reproof, by a G.o.dly discipline, by frequent letters in which the "one thing" was never forgotten; by prayers and supplications mingled with tears, as they knelt alone at her side; by intercessions offered day and night in secret on their behalf; by enforcing the punctual observance of religious duties, such as reading the word, family devotion, and public worship; and by her own pure example, she never ceased to train them in the way that they should go. But her chief strength lay in ceaseless and effectual prayer, which was urged in the spirit of him who said, "I will not let Thee go, except Thou bless me." Is it wonderful, if her children and grandchildren are found walking in the truth? For many successive years, she was accustomed to address to each a few lines on the anniversary of their birth. These were always replete with G.o.dly counsels, and wisely suited to the age and circ.u.mstances of the individual. The periodical effusion was anxiously looked for, and highly prized. To our young imaginations, the productions of her pen glowed with all the fire of Milton, and flowed with all the softness and melody of Spenser; and if a riper judgement has robbed us of the pleasing fancy, it has been at least replaced by the grateful conviction that they were the overflowings of a mother"s heart, and by the blessing of G.o.d, contributed in a great measure to give an early bias in favour of religious truth. A specimen written at this time is here inserted.
TO MY RICHARD.
Unuttered feelings glow within my heart, Ah! in what language can I paint them best?
That you, my darling boy, may know a part, Unconscious of what fills a mother"s breast.
Childlike and innocent your actions are, No thought of guile as yet within your breast; Alas! the wily foe, not lurking far, May soon corrupt and desecrate your rest.
Might I unveil the snares, that scattered round, Beset your path from childhood to old age; But Love allwise, in mystery profound, Has hid in darkness all the varied page.
Be it sufficient, grace is ever nigh; If in the path of rect.i.tude you tread, No ill shall harm you; you will soon descry The tempter"s snare, however deeply laid.