"I don"t want to move," I say, cheek pressed against the back of the girl in front as the crowd lifts me off my feet.
"OK." I hear Kaz loud and clear because the crowd has moved her closer. "But if I faint, promise me you"ll illegally crowd-surf me out of here?"
I squeeze her hand by way of a promise since my mouth is full of someone else"s hair.
When the stage lights flare, most of the band burst on, creating a s.p.a.ce around the microphone at the front of the stage, waiting for the heart of the band to start beating. Mine thud thuds in time with the ba.s.s drum. The second he steps into the spotlight, the crowd heaves amidst a swell of screams. Wexler is wearing a suit jacket, the vest underneath cut low enough to show off the new tattoo we"ve all been speculating about. The possibility of seeing more of it if I go backstage superheats my core and I start trembling.
I want to tell Kaz, but I don"t think it"s the wisest thing to shout that I"ve snogged Adam Wexler in the midst of some girls wearing tees with "I want to s.e.x the Wex" scrawled in lipstick. Or blood.
"Ruby!" Kaz is yanking at my hand. "It"s our song!"
And she throws our arms in the air, squeezing my hand tight as I jump and scream in joy when the familiar chords sound out. I look up to see our hands locked together above the crowd, silhouetted against the stage lights.
KAZ.
Ruby running up the stairs into my room shouting, "Listen to this, listen to this!" jamming one of her headphones into my ear so hard that I fell off my chair.
The email I got on my phone with the subject PLAY ME NOW! and clicking through to the video when it only had 73 views.
Dancing round the cla.s.sroom in a conga when it came on the radio one lunchtime.
The print Ruby made of my favourite lyric that she had framed for my birthday. The tears I cried because she knew me so well.
Friday nights by the DJ booth, putting in at least twenty requests for this song, giggling too hard to write the words properly on the Post-its.
The "Kaz, Kaz, Kaz!" when it came on the playlist in Owen"s van on the way here the marks on my leg after she"d gripped it in excitement at the thought of seeing them tonight.
I"m squeezing Ruby"s hand tighter with each memory, until her fingers are half-crushed. Music has made me cry for the love of it before, but now I feel like crying for the love of my best friend. My crazy, jealous, moody (possibly drunk) best friend who I love more than anyone else in the world.
More than I ever loved Tom. More than I could ever love Lauren.
"Everything Ends Midnight" but not tonight.
Not me and Ruby.
27 * MAYDAY [M"AIDEZ]
RUBY.
Seven songs in and they"ve got to be near to closing the set. As if on cue, Wexler, now jacketless, ribbed vest clinging to his body, tells us that this is the last song. His gaze sweeps the audience, as it has so many times already, and I imagine that he"s looking for me, when I know he"s really just seeking adoration. I stare at the stage, hoping, dreaming that this time he will see me.
Just as it seems he won"t, his eyes rest on my patch of the crowd.
And he points.
"For revenge," he says into the microphone. The breath whooshes from my lungs like I"ve been punched in the chest as he sings the song the crowd"s been waiting for. "When a kiss becomes a knife..."
My blood floods hot with excitement: I really, actually am going to do this, aren"t I?
When this song finishes, when the band leave the stage, I will use my fake pa.s.s and I will find Adam Wexler backstage.
And then...
At the thought of what happens next all that hot blood is redirected to a less-than-vital organ. It"s certainly drained right out of my brain because even though I"ll get mobbed if anyone hears me, I"m turning to Kaz, desperate to tell her and I"m opening my mouth, finding the words...
But she"s gone. The girl at my shoulder is not my best friend. She"s not even someone I know. I look desperately around, but Kaz is nowhere to be seen. I start pushing against the people behind me, burrowing under their raised arms, slipping through gaps between bodies and standing on tiptoes, desperate to catch sight of Kaz or Sebastian even Lauren.
Kaz has gone. Left me. Abandoned me when I needed her most, because she is the person I tell when I want things to be real. She makes them real...
Right now the only thing made real is my fear that I have lost her to Lauren.
KAZ.
How did it happen? Where"s Ruby? She was there a second ago and now I can"t find her. I"m panicking, trying to push through the crowd back to where I think she"ll be, but when I get there she isn"t anywhere to be seen. I try to line myself up with the stage. We were right below Adam Wexler, who"s reaching out towards the crowd, even though the barriers have us penned so far back he"d have to turn into Mr Tickle to stand a chance of reaching us.
He looks almost dangerous preying on the crowd"s adulation to feed his ego. Stripped back to his vest, his muscles stand out as he puts everything into his performance. His eyes are wild. Savage. And he"s s.e.xier than ever. I think of him whispering in my ear at the signing tent.
Enjoy the show.
I felt so special when he said it. No doubt so did all the other girls who are here now, desperate for him to notice them...
"Kaz!" There"s a shout from behind me, but it"s only Lauren, pulling me back, away from where I think Ruby will be. I don"t want to go, but Lauren looks frightened and when I reach her, Sebastian"s there too, saying we should go Lauren"s breathing really fast as if she might faint. We get to where the crowd thins out as the music fades and the band wave, before stepping offstage to deafening cheers. The sinking sun casts a golden light across the heads and hands of the crowd, dust clouds puffing up as everyone starts to shift, and I worry about little Ruby, lost amongst them.
RUBY.
"Excuse me, love. Can I see your pa.s.s, please?"
c.r.a.p.
I hold out my wrist and the security guard clocks the safety pin immediately.
"Back out into the main arena, please."
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.
"Go on. You"re not the first and you won"t be the last." The guard holds out an arm, shepherding me like I"m a lost little lamb separated from the herd in the arena, but as I"m about to turn away, someone steps out of the flow of people coming back from the stage.
"Is there a problem here?"
Frozen, I watch as Wexler fixes the festival guy with a look. There"s an energy about him that wasn"t there earlier and it"s both scary and seductive.
"This young lady hasn"t got permission to be back here."
"She"s with me."
The security guard looks at Wexler for an unimpressed second, then back at me. "You"re with this guy?"
"h.e.l.l, yeah," I mutter, because that guy is just about the most terrifyingly s.e.xy human my eyes have ever seen. Saying nothing, Wexler guides me round a couple of tents, past the bar and into a dead end behind a cl.u.s.ter of cabins. The tension inside me twists tighter and tighter until I think I"m going to be sick if I don"t release it.
He"s wired, high from his performance, and there"s a dangerous edge to him now that I didn"t see earlier. Leaning in, his fingers latching on to the grille of the barrier behind me, he brings his face level with mine. I can hear him breathing, fast and deep to match the pulse in my throat.
The tension in the air between us would be enough to get me off, but already he"s drawing closer and I"m riding the moments towards our kiss like they"re the last of my life.
KAZ.
Worried as I was about Ruby, whatever"s wrong with Lauren seemed more pressing and I didn"t have a chance to do anything more than fire off a message to Ruby, telling her that we were heading for the first-aid tent.
Even as I sent it, I couldn"t help feeling like I"d betrayed my best friend. Our moment in the crowd was more than a fleeting happiness: it was a reminder of why I"m here and who I"m with. This weekend has made me doubt whether Ruby and I have the perfect friendship, but I see now that I haven"t always been the perfect friend. Perhaps Ruby"s behaviour has been the worst I"ve ever seen because that"s how she feels? Something I haven"t taken the time to ask her about ... not properly.
Once Lauren is with a St John Ambulance official, who"s making her breathe into a paper bag, I check my phone for a reply from Ruby to discover that my message never sent.
I send it again and wait for a reply.
There isn"t one.
RUBY.
When Wexler"s mouth is next to mine, it"s a question I get, not a kiss. "Are you sure, Ruby?"
Saying nothing, I pull him towards me. This doesn"t feel like a kiss, more like s.e.x with my mouth, and I"m aware of the heel of his hand against my ear, his fingers ma.s.saging the hair at the back of my head, thumb pressing into my temple.
When I pull away to catch my breath, his pupils are huge, as if his eyes can"t get enough of me, and I feel a surge of pride, of power, that I"m the one doing this to him. That I am the one he wants.
It"s a dangerous feeling.
KAZ.
The St John"s lady tells Lauren she"d be best off having a rest and Lauren doesn"t argue, but I"m frustrated that we"ll have to walk her back to the tent and put off looking for Ruby. Her phone keeps going straight to voicemail.
Sebastian rests a hand on my arm. "I"m sure your friend"s fine."
I want to correct him best friend but I don"t. Neither Ruby nor I have been at our best this weekend.
And I am not sure that she"s fine.